AIBU for not going to my sisters wedding or paying for it?

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I have three sisters. Sister 1 is 35. She’s the main one here so I refer to her as Catherine. My other sisters 2 and 3 as ages 27 and 29. I am 34. Our dad died when I was 17. As I was his only son and older the younger two I took on a sort of fatherly roll for them in certain situations. One of them being my sisters weddings. When my sister 2 and 3 got married I walked them both down the aisle and gave them away. I also paid for their weddings.

Meanwhile Catherine has always said her entire life that she never wanted to get married and was anti-marriage so it never came up. Until last month when my sister announced that she is getting married. She and her fiancé have apparently already picked a wedding date (they want a winter wedding on the same day they first started dating). They have also already booked their venue and caterers. She is expecting me to reimburse her the costs.

The thing is my wife and I are expecting twins. We hadn’t wanted to tell our families until far later in the pregnancy because it is high risk. My wife and I also live in the states. Given that she would be heavily pregnant by the date of the wedding I do not want to be halfway across the word in a different country from her. Also due to the many upcoming expense we are expecting I will also not be able to afford to pay for Catherine’s wedding.

For those above reasons my wife and I agreed it would be okay to let Catherine in on secret about the pregnancy so she would know that I wouldn’t be able to be there or contribute much to the costs.

Catherine did not take it well at all. She says I am being unfair and playing favorites like always ( I think she says that because I looked after them more because they were younger). She says I should have planned better by telling everyone sooner about the pregnancy and that I should have had money set aside for her wedding because they can’t afford the wedding themselves and she probably won’t be able to get her deposits back. She also says that since my wife's due date isn't for another month after the wedding that it shouldn't even be an issue. She is now saying she will cut me off if I don’t treat her equally as our other sisters and come to the wedding as well as pay for it.

AIBU?

Catherine doesn't have a leg to stand on.

Some ideas in this thread, like deciding the amount back in time when first sister was getting married and dividing it by 3 are ridiculous, the OP isn't their parent, he helped when it made sense for both sides. And chances to earn their own money are different between 20 years old and 35 yo.

Even if she was getting some money, booking first and sharing the invoice second isn't a way how to do it.

Asking whether the other sisters are able to support now would make sense, but there is no obligation for anyone.

I have read a lot of this and tend to agree with some suggestions. That maybe your other siblings club together or you split 7k by 3 purely as a good will thing and not because there is any obligation. I think it’s incredibly presumptuous of your sister to expect the wedding to be paid for and not to check anything before proceeding to book. Your circumstances have changed a lot and it’s very selfish of her to expect you put your life on hold so that it doesn’t clash with her plans as that’s how her reaction to your lovely news comes across.
if she wants you at the wedding she could consider changing her dates, the one thing you can’t do is predict or control when your babies will arrive particularly when it’s so near to the wedding

I say 7k as that’s roughly what was contributed to the others

She is 35 not 3. Catherine needs to grow up, if she had any notion that you would pay for her wedding she needed to talk to you before making any plans rather than assuming you would, things change over time and you have said the other married young. You have your own family to prioritise now, don’t let her guilt you.

When my father was single he gave his extended family lots of money, expensive gifts and etcetera. After he married my mother that all stopped. Unfortunately, there were quite a few upset people that thought the gravy train would go on forever. What a single person could do is different than what someone married with a family can do and if adults can't figure that out then tough luck. Plus nothing is ever equal. My parents bought my youngest brother a starter home. I didn't get a starter home. Guess what? I didn't and don't care. I'm 13 years older than my youngest brother and it wasn't my money. Ignore all the I can understand her hurt feelings, split it three ways and etc. Good luck with everything and congratulations to the both of you.

I just don't understand why anyone thinks that the others should pay towards it at all - no good will gesture is required.

Who paid for the OP's wedding, I wonder? Should the three sisters also club together to give him £7k towards that so that everyone is fair and square? Or does the oldest sister need to stump up for this because she won't have contributed to any of the others?

It's nonsensical. Nobody owes anybody anything. Nobody has done anything wrong, except Catherine behaving like a spoilt brat. No good will gestures are required.

You are not being unreasonable. Your sister is a 35 year old adult. She said for years she was anti marriage and didn't want to get married. She can't decide this late in her life that she's changed her mind and now expects your money. Maybe if she hadn't of been so anti marriage for years you'd have prepared for the possibility of her getting married, but you have a wife and twins on the way that are uour responsibility. It is not fair to ask you to take away from your family to pay for a grown 35 year old womans wedding. At her age she and her husband both should be financially stable to the point they can afford their own wedding and if at 35 they can't afford a wedding maybe the should rethink marriage. I think it's selfish she even expects it after making it clear she didn't want to get married for so long. The only thing i can feel sympathy for her on is if she's upset that you can't be there to walk her down the aisle but she also shouldn't expect you to abandon your wife in a high risk pregnancy with twins.

What an odd family dynamic.
Your sister is being unreasonable. But, I find it odd that you forked out for your other sisters weddings in the first place. It was very generous of you.

YANBU. I can understand your sister being upset about you not being able to be there, but the money side of it? Hugely unreasonable of her to book things and expect you to pay without discussing it first to confirm / come up with a budget - the fact she's out of pocket is 100% on her.

At 35 she should have saved money herself rather than banking on you, or at the very least clarified if you would be able to pay for hers - life changes, situations change and your ability to finance a wedding has likewise changed. The massive expenses of having a baby in the US, let alone the higher risk twin pregnancy, should be your priority.

The kicker for me is the emotional blackmail by threatening to cut off your relationship with her. You shouldn't contribute anything based on this alone, hugely entitled, manipulative borderline abusive behavior that should not be rewarded in any way. I honestly don't know if I could continue a relationship with someone who would blackmail me into forking out cash I don't have to pay for something they want. Hopefully when she calms down she'll see this is not ok behavior and apologize.

Also, just to be clear - YANBU to not attend, twins often come early. If it means that much to her for you to be there she'll change the dates or postpone a year. Will give her more time to save up too.

Very good point on postponing; she’s galloping into this marriage not just be booking it before having the ability to pay but she barely knows the man. Tell her you’ll pay for the next one instead.

This.

But why?

The OP is not a parent. There is no reason why he has to treat his siblings equally. He chose to help out the younger ones when he was in a position to do so. That does not create any obligation on him whatsoever to do the same for the older one. Why would it? He doesn't owe any of them anything.

My twins were born 5 weeks early. I also belong to a mother of multiples group. Most of them had their children around 8 months or earlier. So I definitely think you won't be able to attend if they don't change the date.

However, while you're being reasonable for not wanting to pay because of upcoming expenses, you are being a jerk by not contributing anything. While some people would graciously understand your position, it sounds like your sister isn't one of them. I hope you are able to find some way to contribute some to her wedding.

Good luck with your twins! Having them is crazy and wonderful!

Jerk? How it comes?
Why would a brother living abroad have any financial responsibility over his older sister's wedding?
Moreover, a wedding which was planned for a date he can't attend and without any consultation with him.

I'm confused. It was very generous of you to pay for your other two siblings weddings when they were younger, but you are

you are being a jerk by not contributing anything.

You really aren’t, OP. Your DS is a rude, grabby, entitled CF.

Why would a brother living abroad have any financial responsibility over his older sister's wedding?

This. And was the older sister a jerk for not contributing to the younger sisters' weddings?

Absolutely this. The older sister expecting her younger brother to pay for her wedding, years later when she is a grown woman, and he is due twins. It’s insane tbh, she sounds insufferable.

She's 35 and she should understand that your circumstances have changed. She should understand you can no longer afford to pay and be grateful that she didn't need to contribute to her younger siblings weddings with her being the eldest of the lot of you.

As the oldest of my siblings, I can say that it feels awful when you are treated differently than your other siblings and yet you almost always are. As an adult, I am in an easier financial situation than my sister's and have come to realize that I would rather my parents help them more than they do me, as they are the ones who actually need it.

The only reason why I say it is a jerk move is because he is not treating his sisters even remotely the same. Do I think he should pay for her whole wedding? Absolutely not. I would hope that his sister would understand that his circumstances are such that he can't afford to do so. But I do think it would make his sister feel equally loved if he was able to contribute something. It is his money and he can do what he likes. But he can't pretend that contributing absolutely nothing to the wedding because of his changed circumstances is treating his sisters the same.

Of course, this is all assuming that he does not want his sister to cut him out of her life. If things were or are difficult between the two and he feels little to no affection for her, then I wouldn't worry about it at all. Since he posted on here, my assumption was that he wanted to maintain a relationship with her. Everyone here can enumerate the facts that she is older, didn't give brother the expectations of ever having a wedding, should have asked him before booking anything, etc. and that is all true. But just as he is free to do what he wants with his money, she is free to feel however she does as a result.

Imagine cutting someone out of your life because they didn’t pay for your wedding.

No one needs anyone like that in their life.

Still nope.
Are you really suggesting that he should take money away from his wife and new family, because a grown woman won't be able to feel loved without them?

He treated his sisters the same. When he was able to support their young weddings, he did. Now he isn't and this isn't a young wedding, so she can't pretend it is a same situation.

I understand it with parents and help with house deposit or inheritance, but in this case if the sister decides to feel hurt about it, she shows that she doesn't really love her brother. Otherwise she would be happy for him and refuse any money (even if he offered) as it would be clear to her that he has now his primary responsibility elsewhere.

Sorry OP. Didn't realise I had posted an unfinished post.

I just think you did a very generous thing for your younger sisters when you could afford it. Your circumstances have changed and you can't possibly be expected to do the same for your older sister. It is very entitled and almost sexist of her to expect you to do this. I can see why she is upset, but she should have talked to you first and accepted your situation. I hope she realised this and you are on good terms again.

Your sister is 35, and presumably established in a career, as is her husband. Your other sisters were much younger when they married, and you paid as you had spare disposable income. Things have changed. Your priority is now your wife and soon to be children, your sister should understand this. It would be thoughtful of your younger sisters if they stepped up and helped their older sister out. Do not get browbeaten into paying for this wedding. Maybe suggest that you pay for the flowers, or champagne toast, as a kind brotherly gesture.