To be upset that I have to sleep on the sofa

[ladywithnomanors]

I’ve been with my DH for 17 years. Over the last 3 years I have gained about 3 stone in weight due to bereavements within the family, I have been very depressed. As a result I now snore and it disturbs my DH so much that I now sleep on the sofa. This makes me feel like crap. I understand that my DH needs sleep but I feel like a second class citizen demoted to the sofa. AIBU to be upset ?

I think that poster is trying to say that it's not reasonable to suggest that the snorer tries losing weight.

Even if OP does lose weight and it works, though, it'll take time and they both need sleep in the meantime. Which is why investing in a decent sofa bed seems a good solution. And OP does need to try not to take it personally. Sleep is not a luxury.

I am sorry for your losses. And gains… that must be tough.
I have this situation but I am sofa sleeper and not because I am the snorer!
it is very upsetting for both people involved and I say that as the person kept awake and woken up constantly …..it’s so exhausting, therefore I have sympathy for your husband as well.
only thing that helps are ear loops. Tried all the sticky strips to reduce snoring they are an expensive waste. Ear loops get 2 pairs incase you loose one.

Sorry for your losses OP; how very sad for you. I totally understand the need to find comfort from food at such a time however if your snoring is as a result of you being overweight (as you suggested) then I'm afraid it's down to you to sort. If you don't feel in the right head space to start losing weight, you need to buy a temporary bed to sleep in, if another isn't available in the home.

It's not fair that your DH loses sleep; it can be highly detrimental to health to have consistent and long term sleep deprivation! I'm speaking from 20 years experience with my DH who snores horrendously and I feel no guilt whatsoever in nudging him or telling him to sleep elsewhere, particularly when he felt he didn't need to do anything to improve the situation. (he subsequently has sorted it)

Sorry OP, but the onus is on you to sort but a simple temporary resolution would be to find a camp bed or such like so that at least you both sleep comfortably.

My friend has sleep apnoea BTW @ladywithnomanors and she's not particularly overweight, so if someone isn't obese they can still get it.

What is wrong with you?

I wear earplugs and I can still hear my husband snoring 🤷🏻‍♀️

Thanks for your input. I’m well aware of how I gained the weight - from overeating, you’re correct. However the reason I overeat is due to depression from losing my Mum to cancer and my brother at the age of 40 suddenly.

To the helpful posters -
I have 3 bedrooms but also 3 children so there is no spare room unfortunately.

We are due to get get a new sofa as our current one is 17 years old 😮 . A sofa bed is definitely something I’ll consider.

I have joined online SlimmingWorld, so I’m hoping that will help. I do walk but not as much as I should. I have had bereavement counselling through work for my Mum. My brother’s bereavement is too new to consider anything at the moment.
Thanks for all the kind comments

Wow you are a deeply unpleasant person, and very uneducated if you don't think grief and mental health can affect weigh gain/loss.

There’s no guarantee that if you lost weight you’d stop snoring so if you can’t move to gain an extra bedroom, you and DH need to take it in turns on the sofa bed.

Its no ones fault, but snoring is just awful for the other person. Get medical advice and try everything. Maybe possible to have an additional bedroom added, or a more comfortable sofa bed.

Do any of your children sleep soundly enough and have enough space that you could go on a folding bed in their room?

OP, ignore the grade A arseholes who posted purely to scold you about your weight & be absolute twats about your bereavements.

Also - forget about special pillows, nasal sprays etc & make an appointment with your GP. Explain your circumstances, & ask for a referral to your hospital's sleep apnea clinic.

If you are diagnosed with sleep apnea, you will be prescribed a CPAP machine.
Not only will this banish the snores, but at last, you will get a decent full night's sleep, & start to feel refreshed from it. Most apnea sufferers are unaware of how poor their own sleep quality is. But it's not just the victims of their snores who are losing sleep. Apnea sufferers are waking (usually without knowing it, but the sleep pattern gets fucked whether you are aware or not) up to 30 times a night.

Get it checked out, & good luck with your mental health as you come through the worst of the bereavement. The weight will sort itself out when you are feeling better, & a large part of that will resolve itself through quality sleep - & being tucked up in bed beside your DH again.

What is wrong with you that you feel the need to say that to someone who's clearly struggling with their mental health due to a bereavement?

Does it make you feel better to kick someone when they're down?

Get off the stage.

@mountainsunsets

The same is said for husbands of wives who come on here complaining about their snoring husbands

They're told he is a pig, he needs to lose weight and stop snoring etc. etc.

When it's just about snoring, yes.

This is SO much more than that and your response was totally unnecessary and unjustified.

Of course it's the OPs fault

Unless she is being kept as a foie gras duck and force fed of course.

Snoring is not necessarily caused by being overweight.

I'm on the low end of normal from bmi and I snore.

When you are depressed or feeling low you sleep deeper that can cause Snoring too.

My DP recorded me one night and I was like a train.

I know, MN loves a reason to pile on fat people. Funny the worst snorer I know is slim

Of course it's the OPs fault

Unless she is being kept as a foie gras duck and force fed of course

ODFOD 😇

How many people do you regularly share a room with?

DH is very underweight and snores if his CPAP machine mask slips.

TBH the doctors are baffled as to why he snores because the vast majority of snorers are overweight. All of the other patients we saw in the waiting room of the sleep clinic were very overweight. However, there are always other reasons why people snore apart from being overweight.

@ladywithnomanors I'm sorry you have had some really unpleasant replies on this thread. You have had some useful suggestions also, and I hope you find a solution that suits you.

Please don't think your DP doesn't want you. I have walked in his shoes in terms of trying to sleep next to a snorer and I can confirm that it makes you want to murder them
However, it was me that decamped to the spare room, and there I stayed until DH got his CPAP machine.

My dh is 10 and a half stone..regular height..and snores something shocking. Actually thin not slim. Its not always due to weight. I also have a friend who is quite obviously underweight and she is a terrible snorer. If a group of us go away for a weekend she insists on a single room for herself as she doesn't want to inflict her snoring on anyone.
My dh also talks in his sleep and sometimes sleep walks but he still isn't sent to the couch. I think a lot more women endure this without sending their dh to the couch.

I'm not sure why couples persist in sleeping in the same bed when there are other options, when there is chronic sleep deprivation due to the other partner snoring. There's no lose that couples must share a bed at all, let alone all night.