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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset that I have to sleep on the sofa

187 replies

ladywithnomanors · 31/08/2022 22:52

I’ve been with my DH for 17 years. Over the last 3 years I have gained about 3 stone in weight due to bereavements within the family, I have been very depressed. As a result I now snore and it disturbs my DH so much that I now sleep on the sofa. This makes me feel like crap. I understand that my DH needs sleep but I feel like a second class citizen demoted to the sofa. AIBU to be upset ?

OP posts:
Vonniee7 · 01/09/2022 01:24

My husband snores really loud at times. He wears a nose strip and I have ear plugs (eggz
i think they're called), they're the best ones I've had and make it tolerable. If it does get too bad I go to the spare room, there is nothing worse than no sleep

Ray92 · 01/09/2022 01:29

My husband snores and farts ridiculously loudly all night. I'd never ask him to sleep on the sofa.
I think asking you to do so, especially after the year you've had is very insensitive.
Sending love 💞

Lessofallthisunpleasantness · 01/09/2022 01:30

Impossible to sleep with a loud snorer. Try to lose the weight but in the meantime can you get a proper bed or a more comfortable sofa? My DH snores alot and I do often move to the sofa or another bed if one is free.

MissyCooperismyShero · 01/09/2022 01:40

I've slept in the spare room for years because of DH snoring. You should take turns on the sofa, but no way could I sleep with a snorer.

Coffeetree · 01/09/2022 01:45

I regularly slept in the spare room because my ex snored. If anyone suggested "wHY doN'T u UsE earPlUgz" I wanted to punch them. Like earplugs will make any difference when someone is shouting in your face for eight hours.

But you deserve a bed too.

LovePoppy · 01/09/2022 01:50

Get tested for sleep apnea

get a c pap

MichelleScarn · 01/09/2022 01:53

Currently awake because of dh snoring, it's driving me up the wall. As pp has said it's the unpredictableness of the noise of a snorer, the snorting, the grunting that has me on the edge!!

Canthave2manycats · 01/09/2022 01:59

Listen, I hear your DH's pain!! Mine snores like a warthog and has done for years! I banished him to the spare room when I was pregnant with #2. I'd been so desperate I'd ended up sleeping on the floor downstairs to get away from him. We did go on to have #3....! We've probably slept separately for 24 years. This has literally saved us from killing each other...

In our first married home, I used to try to sleep on the sofa and turned the central heating on, because it made enough noise to drown the fecker out lol!

However, you shouldn't have to sleep on the sofa every night - really bad for your back apart from anything else! Is there anywhere you can put another bed, or at least a sofabed?

Apparently, I am reliably informed that I now snore too, and I am not overweight.

I lost both parents in the space of 5 months, so I can understand the toll that grief takes on you - and please ignore the less than sympathetic posters.... You and your DH need to work on a solution between you xx

stayinghometoday · 01/09/2022 02:13

Sleep is a necessity like drink and air. You can literally die from lack of sleep! So I'm with your DH on that one. I also used to snore due to weight gain. You can cuddle before bed time. The couch sounds uncomfortable, can you get a murphy bed or a sofa bed? Even just a proper mattrass (ikea is cheap but nice) would make you much more comfortable.

Berkslife · 01/09/2022 02:22

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PurpleMarie · 01/09/2022 02:26

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Oh aren’t you just wonderful. Is it really so impossible to believe that people deal with grief differently?

Enjoy your poached egg and brown rice, little miss superior.

DinosaurDuvet · 01/09/2022 02:27

I wouldn’t take the sofa thing personally, it makes good sense so everyone gets adequate sleep ….but you should take turns on sofa.

I always wonder why noise affects other people’s sleep so badly, a bomb could go off and I would sleep through it.

Berkslife · 01/09/2022 02:41

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Ponderingwindow · 01/09/2022 02:50

Snoring is not a personal flaw and no one should be punished for it.

taking the sofa in turns would be fair. Even looking for a new place to live that would let you have 2 beds would be reasonable.

PurpleMarie · 01/09/2022 02:51

I take it back - not little miss superior, just little miss nasty.

maybe if you ate a bag of crisps once in awhile you’d be a little nicer to people.

knitnerd90 · 01/09/2022 03:03

PhilomenaPringle · 01/09/2022 00:29

go to the doctor and arrange an appointment to see someone about getting a CPAP for sleep apnoea, then you will both get a good sleep in your bed, and you will feel so much better

I really don't want to cast negative vibes, but my dh drove me mad with his snoring for years. Finally diagnosed with sleep apnoea and has a cpap machine, which provides him with a good night's sleep but for me it's almost worse than the snoring. The bloody thing blows on my face all night and I'm constantly nudging him to shut his mouth, or there's a force 10 gale down the back of my
neck if I turn over. It's like a Boeing 777 in reverse thrust. Finally conceded that there is no simple way to get a decent night's sleep in the same room. Or simply no way to get a decent night's sleep etc. . .

I've taken the sofa but only because it's very comfortable and I really don't mind. It's a haven of squashiness and silence. Might not be everyone's idea of marital bliss but it is ours, and most particularly mine. I sleep so very much better when I can control the sounds around me.

That sounds like your DH's mask doesn't fit properly. My DH has apnoea and wears a CPAP and I can't feel a thing.

There's a lot of things that can cause snoring besides weight, so seeing the doctor is a good idea. If you can't sleep well on the sofa, it's going to make you more tired and less likely to lose weight anyhow.

Trying20 · 01/09/2022 03:04

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This post has been withdrawn by the OP

OGLittlePickerWithTheMassiveKnickers · 01/09/2022 03:54

Bose sleephones. Expensive, but worth it. They were recommended to me by the wife of a snorer. Game changer.

MatchaTea · 01/09/2022 04:19

Take turn sleeping one the sofa. One week each

alliwantissleeeep · 01/09/2022 04:50

I'm so shocked by some of these responses. Don't know why I'm still shocked by some of the comments I read on MN.

I'm so sorry for your losses and the really difficult time you've been through.

People snore even when they haven't put on weight and aren't banished to (or expected to) sleep on the settee.

I think it's really unfair you sleeping on the settee when you can't be getting a proper rest on there either.

And the answer to this can't just be 'lose weight'. Those comments are just shitty.

If it's going to be that you are sleeping separately then it's only fair you take turns on the settee.
Your partner can also wear earplugs.

MinnieMountain · 01/09/2022 05:55

Try not to feel bad about sleeping separately OP.
I’m another peri-menopausal can’t take HRT person. DH and I sleep much better separately (I was nudging him multiple times a night). Doesn’t make us less of a couple.

BlackSwan · 01/09/2022 06:01

DH snores and I sleep in the spare room, have done for years. I value my sleep highly.

Sunny866 · 01/09/2022 06:03

My DH’s snoring has become terrible over the past 6 months. He sleeps in the spare room as a result and I have such a good sleep on my own. I still feel like we are very much a couple. We don’t lose any quality time simply by both being “unconscious” in the same/different bed. I’m not sure what will happen in a couple of years when DD moves into the spare room. But for now it works. Sleeping with a snorer is awful if you are a light sleeper like me. I feel so much better and productive after a good solid nights sleep. I think it’s fair you are in separate spaces until the snoring is sorted but you should take turns on the sofa.

Goatinthegarden · 01/09/2022 06:06

ladywithnomanors · 31/08/2022 23:03

I’m trying to lose weight to help with the snoring . Unfortunately I list my Mum and then a year later my brother so my mental health is shot . I can completely understand his point of view but it feels like we’re not even a couple anymore.

I mean this very kindly, as I suffered a horrible bereavement last year; but exercise really helped my mental health afterwards.

Moving around outside in solitude is just so good for my well-being. Also, after nursing someone through a debilitating illness, pushing my body to its limits and seeing the results of getting fitter was very cathartic. It seems almost like a tribute to my dad (who tried so hard to keep being mobile) to be making the most of my health whilst I have it.

Cervinia · 01/09/2022 06:06

It probably is weight related. DH was obese and I decamped to any spare bed for years. He lost five stone, I put on two and now I’m the snorer. No fun.

Im trying hard to shift it, but we got a reclining bed and it helps the snoring being propped up. Hope the pillow works x