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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset that I have to sleep on the sofa

187 replies

ladywithnomanors · 31/08/2022 22:52

I’ve been with my DH for 17 years. Over the last 3 years I have gained about 3 stone in weight due to bereavements within the family, I have been very depressed. As a result I now snore and it disturbs my DH so much that I now sleep on the sofa. This makes me feel like crap. I understand that my DH needs sleep but I feel like a second class citizen demoted to the sofa. AIBU to be upset ?

OP posts:
SunnyD44 · 31/08/2022 23:48

Can you get a bed to sleep on?

I understand why you can’t sleep In the same bed as your DH right now but it is not ok to sleep on the sofa every night.

One of the biggest barriers to loosing weight is not getting a decent sleep.
So if you are not getting a decent sleep on the sofa then you’re going to struggle to lose weight.

I would try and squeeze a single bed in somewhere if possible.

EmeraldShamrock1 · 31/08/2022 23:48

It's a shit situation for both of you unfortunately.

I'm really sorry for your loss.

Have you spoken to the gp.

I bought a steam humidifier for DS room on amazon he snores really badly, nothing to do with weight and it has improved his snoring by clearing his sinuses and throat.

Snoring is damaging to the person suffering from constant disturbed sleep to sleeping on the sofa.

I hope you get it sorted.

WeepingSomnambulist · 31/08/2022 23:50

Whenever a woman post on here about her husband snoring, the response are unanimous. She is told to kick him out of the bedroom until he does something about it because there are things that you can do. If he wont then he is called selfish and the poster is told not to feel guilty for sending him to sleep elsewhere.

It should be no different here. You're the snorer and you're not doing anything about it so you should be the one to sleep elsewhere. Go and see your GP, use the sticky things on your nose, try the spray, the pillow etc. But you cant expect him to put up with it just because you feel pushed out.

Musti · 31/08/2022 23:50

My ex snored every night really loudly. It affected my sleep every single night. I wore earplugs and slept on the sofa but it should have been him. It is horrible being woken up by snoring.

Wafflesnsniffles · 31/08/2022 23:50

Sorry you have been having such a tough time op.
What about you and your dh doing a get fit routine together? That way you would spend time together doing something positive - you would eventually reach a "no snoring" goal and he would have helped you get there (instead of just moaning at you for snoring and banishing you to the sofa!) x

LBFseBrom · 31/08/2022 23:51

I often sleep on the sofa, it doesn't bother me but if your sofa is uncomfortable, perhaps buy a new one that is comfortable. In the meantime you could put something on the sofa to cushion you, like a folded duvet. Sweet dreams. Do you only have one bedroom.

My late husband was a snorer. I did buy him stuff to spray the back of his throat and it did work but not all night.

mountainsunsets · 31/08/2022 23:52

And for those saying how hard it is to share with a snorer, can I ask if you've ever fallen asleep with the TV on? In the middle of a loud film?

Yes to both, but it's not the same as snoring. TV's and films are constant noise, snoring is sudden and jarring and has no predictably to it, so you're constantly on edge waiting for the next snort to wake you up or startle your.

devuskums · 31/08/2022 23:53

@ladywithnomanors my partner snores, its absolutely horrendous. I try not to blame him for the snoring because I know how hard it is to lose weight, but the sleep deprivation does make me feel absolutely awful. People comment on how well I look when he works away for a few days!
Recently he has started using a snoring spray and I have started experimenting with a noise app...white noise, brown noise...the fan noise seems particularly successful so far (touch wood!!) It has to be on quite loud to drown out the snoring though.
Good luck, I hope you find a solution. It's not your fault. And so so sorry for your losses. I know grief has a way of creeping back multiple times a day to slap you in the face xx

OldFan · 31/08/2022 23:55

I couldn't sleep on a sofa it's so uncomfy, and must be worse the more room you need.

Get yourself a comfier bed of some kind.

And see your doctor to see if you have sleep apnoea. x

itsnotmeitsu · 31/08/2022 23:57

There's snoring and snoring. If it's a repetitive sound that isn't really loud you can probably get used to it. If it's really loud snorting and reaching a crescendo over and over then it may drive you insane unless you decide that the threat to your sanity is more important than spending most nights in separate rooms. There's no way ear plugs work against snoring. Perhaps noise-cancelling earphones could (know nothing about them). If you don't have the sleep deprivation every night it makes a big difference to the times when you do spend time together in the bedroom.

PurpleMarie · 31/08/2022 23:58

Qwertyyui · 31/08/2022 22:58

My DH snores and I sleep in whichever kids bed is spare. I'd feel weird him sleeping in my DDs bed and he wouldn't fit in the bunk bed! When all the kids are here I either sleep with my DD or he sleeps on the sofa. Is there nowhere else you can sleep? Can you take it in turns on the sofa? Can you get a sofa bed so it actually feels like a bed? Have you contacted your gp?

To be honest snoring has massively driven a wedge in our relationship as lack of sleep is horrendous. He has 5lb to lose before the doctor will investigate and it cannot come off quick enough. If I had to sleep in the same bed he would either be dead or single by now.

My DH snores and I sleep in whichever kids bed is spare. I'd feel weird him sleeping in my DDs bed

this is weird …

Original poster
ladywithnomanors · 01/09/2022 00:01

WeepingSomnambulist · 31/08/2022 23:50

Whenever a woman post on here about her husband snoring, the response are unanimous. She is told to kick him out of the bedroom until he does something about it because there are things that you can do. If he wont then he is called selfish and the poster is told not to feel guilty for sending him to sleep elsewhere.

It should be no different here. You're the snorer and you're not doing anything about it so you should be the one to sleep elsewhere. Go and see your GP, use the sticky things on your nose, try the spray, the pillow etc. But you cant expect him to put up with it just because you feel pushed out.

I have been trying to duo things to help.
Plastic things up my nose. Lying on my side , Im not morbidly obese or anything - I’m a bit over weight from comfort eating .

OP posts:
MaryHoldTheCandleSteadyWhileIShaveTheChickensLeg · 01/09/2022 00:02

shinynewapple22 · 31/08/2022 23:38

I'm sorry to hear about your bereavement OP. I agree that snoring is annoying but I don't see that you should be the one to sleep every night on the sofa . My DH is a snorer but I was normally the one who crept to the sofa in the middle of the night - he was asleep and oblivious . We now have a spare room (DC moved out) so can both sleep in comfort . I'm guessing you don't have a spare room ?

I don't see that you should be the one to sleep every night on the sofa

Why should her husband have to sleep on the sofa when he's not the one disturbing anyone's sleep?

I'm guessing you don't have a spare room?

I'm not sure if that's ^^ a serious guess or not? Why would the OP have started a thread about sleeping on the sofa if she had a spare room?

EmeraldShamrock1 · 01/09/2022 00:02

OP one great thing you can do for your mam in her memory is to do your upmost best to feel good about yourself.

Your DM would want you to feel happy and loved, not depressed or anxious.

You done an amazing job by looking after your mum towards the end.

I understand the shell shock.

I lost mine last year and made a decision to do 3 random nice things a week for myself and others.

I talk to my DM in my head everyday and laugh when I see things she'd find funny.

A broken heart is a loved one, it's the price we pay for feeling loved. 💔

In my mind the pain is worth the experience of having had a loving DM.

Talk to DH. You both need to be more attentive outside of the bedroom and buy yourself a cosy sofa bed.

Babyroobs · 01/09/2022 00:04

My dh sleeps on the sofa most nights due to his snoring. He prefers this to getting kicked out in the middle of the night when it becomes unbearable.

VeridicalVagabond · 01/09/2022 00:14

Could you get a nice sofa bed or futon in the interim while you're working on your mental health and weight? We got a small one and stuck it in the office because my DH is an occasional snorer, but when he DOES snore he does so like an elephant being put backwards through a wood chipper. I'm one of those "8 hours undisturbed or I become a serial killer" kind of sleepers so he's banished to the sofa bed if he thinks it's a snoring night, but it's at least comfortable! We just cuddle in our own bed first then go our separate ways if he's got a cold or been drinking or any of his other triggers.

Also I'm so sorry for your losses.

Booklover3 · 01/09/2022 00:14

I would get tested for sleep apnea.

my husband has sleep apnea. He doesn’t bother to use his CPAP machine and he snores terribly. We no longer share a bed. He sleeps on the sofa. The kids refuse to sleep in the same room as him.

Im really sorry about your bereavements 💐

damnyourdogs · 01/09/2022 00:21

My partner snores terribly...he's about a stone overweight, and it's worse when he drinks. I'm menopausal and having a terrible time with hot flushes...and I can't take HRT due to previous cancer. I suffered for 3 years when he visited with up to a week of no sleep (we don't live together) until I finally cracked and told him we had to sleep separately. I now have a daybed in the living room and it's his bedroom when he's here. We are now both sleeping better (but I still wish the hot flushes would fuck off).

VioletVesper · 01/09/2022 00:21

EmeraldShamrock1 · 01/09/2022 00:02

OP one great thing you can do for your mam in her memory is to do your upmost best to feel good about yourself.

Your DM would want you to feel happy and loved, not depressed or anxious.

You done an amazing job by looking after your mum towards the end.

I understand the shell shock.

I lost mine last year and made a decision to do 3 random nice things a week for myself and others.

I talk to my DM in my head everyday and laugh when I see things she'd find funny.

A broken heart is a loved one, it's the price we pay for feeling loved. 💔

In my mind the pain is worth the experience of having had a loving DM.

Talk to DH. You both need to be more attentive outside of the bedroom and buy yourself a cosy sofa bed.

What a lovely message ❤️

Goldencarp · 01/09/2022 00:24

I’m exactly the same. I’ve been sleeping on the sofa for about a year. I actually don’t mind all that much to be honest. It’s peaceful downstairs at night 😁

PhilomenaPringle · 01/09/2022 00:29

go to the doctor and arrange an appointment to see someone about getting a CPAP for sleep apnoea, then you will both get a good sleep in your bed, and you will feel so much better

I really don't want to cast negative vibes, but my dh drove me mad with his snoring for years. Finally diagnosed with sleep apnoea and has a cpap machine, which provides him with a good night's sleep but for me it's almost worse than the snoring. The bloody thing blows on my face all night and I'm constantly nudging him to shut his mouth, or there's a force 10 gale down the back of my
neck if I turn over. It's like a Boeing 777 in reverse thrust. Finally conceded that there is no simple way to get a decent night's sleep in the same room. Or simply no way to get a decent night's sleep etc. . .

I've taken the sofa but only because it's very comfortable and I really don't mind. It's a haven of squashiness and silence. Might not be everyone's idea of marital bliss but it is ours, and most particularly mine. I sleep so very much better when I can control the sounds around me.

DillDanding · 01/09/2022 00:37

YABU. My husband has started snoring after 27 years of peace. He has put on weight, about a stone. He weighs 76 kg. Not exactly fat but enough to make him a snorer.

I can’t stand it. If he doesn’t stop (he’s now dieting), I will be banishing him to a spare bed. At the moment, I’m sleeping with earplugs in, but they give me sore ears.

Dibbydoos · 01/09/2022 00:40

I snore - allergies and overweight 🙄.

I heard botox might help sort it out. I haven't spoken to anyone cos the injection is into the soft palate in the roof of the mouth, but I am considering it....

HoppingPavlova · 01/09/2022 00:46

Could you not replace the sofa with a really good sofa bed?

squashandrun · 01/09/2022 01:12

I'm so sorry, OP. I was in exactly the same situation as you a few years ago - lost my lovely mum after caring for her, gained 3 stone, felt horrendous all the time and me and my (now ex) partner took it in turns sleeping in the spare room because my snoring was so bad.

If you can, I'd suggest investing in a few bits to make sleeping on the sofa more comfortable. Perhaps a single-mattress topper, a nice candle/lamp, a softer pillow, some lavender spray. I know none of that helps with the snoring itself but honestly right now I think all you need is to be kind to yourself and focus on your mental health. The weight will come off when you are happier again - even if that feels a long way off right now. FWIW, I still miss my mum dreadfully but it did eventually get better, the weight came off and now I sleep alone in a huge, comfy bed - hurrah. I even recorded myself a few times to see if I still snored, and I don't! Wishing you all the best.