To be upset that I have to sleep on the sofa

[ladywithnomanors]

I’ve been with my DH for 17 years. Over the last 3 years I have gained about 3 stone in weight due to bereavements within the family, I have been very depressed. As a result I now snore and it disturbs my DH so much that I now sleep on the sofa. This makes me feel like crap. I understand that my DH needs sleep but I feel like a second class citizen demoted to the sofa. AIBU to be upset ?

have you seen the gp about your snoring?

it is sometimes includes sleep apnea which is dangerous to health and would need treatment. if treatment is a cpap machine - that's quite noisy as well and sleeping apart might be needed.

I agree that you (as a couple) need a second comfortable sleeping space so both of you get s good night's sleep.

Rather than buying a sofa bed, look into a day bed which can have a proper mattress. I agree with PP that it’s shitty that you’ve been kicked out of the bedroom by your DH. I hope he’s giving you support in other ways to help you with your bereavements and that your relationship is otherwise good, or I’d be seriously reconsidering things.

Snoring while pregnant is I think more due to hormones that affect your sinuses than weight gain. Do you have allergies? Do you suffer from acid reflux at all? I use beconase and anti histamines for allergies which help keep me unblocked at night. I also sleep on a wedge pillow that helps stop acid reflux which also contributes to snoring. Try not eating at least 3 hours before bed (will help with weight loss too!). I am a habitual snorer these things really help.

Sleep is important, better you sleep in different rooms. If there isn't another room you can put a bed in, then invest in a sofa with wide deep seating so you can sleep comfortably.

Oh and when we lived in a smaller house, we bought a sofa and paid more for a very good sofa bed mattress which my dp used when I was snoring (I was pregnant so he couldn’t kick me out!)

buteykoclinic.com/buteyko-clinic-online-courses/. This can REALLY help!!

If you are struggling with motivation to do this, can you enrol your partner to help, to follow the course along with you, to read the book and to help you with the exercises? It might help with empathy from his side too.

I am sorry you are in this situation. Sending a hug.

The bloody thing blows on my face all night and I'm constantly nudging him to shut his mouth, or there's a force 10 gale down the back of my neck if I turn over

It shouldn't be doing that. If the masks fits properly there should be an airtight seal.

We don’t get banished to a ‘spare room’ we each have our own rooms, decorated how we want and we both get a decent nights sleep. Closeness hasn’t been a problem, we just don’t sleep (or as another poster said, lay unconscious at night) together. TBH if we had stayed in the same room we wouldn’t still be together

OP have you been to your GP for a check up? You might also have nasal polyps which can cause snoring, however it has to be said that weight gain has enormous bearing. If separate rooms isn’t an option then at least get a comfortable sofa bed and arrange the room so you feel less ‘banished’.

on the other hand , it can be easier to say ‘poor me’ than to do something about weigh gain, but you do have the power to change things and maybe your DH felt that being banished might be just the thing you needed to push you make that change? Sadly sitting down and discussing the matter properly wasnt something he thought of and he has just made you more miserable.

I developed an allergy in a damp mouldy flat I shared with a BF. The chronic rhinitis caused me to start snoring. BF claimed the bed and I slept on a camping bed in the livingroom, feeling really dejected. I really hear you, OP.
Luckily, my GP was very supportive and recognised the impact on the relationship and the knock on effect on my well being. Ultimately, it took moving out of the mould trap to sort it, but I'm wondering whether seeing your GP might be positive and whether they might be able to support you with weight loss.
Best of luck, and I hope you things start to move in a brighter direction soon.

No sickness and health in your world then. Fairweather relationships only, eh?

I snore like a prize hog. I wouldn't expect anyone to put up with that. I now have a cpap machine which has stopped it.

Dh snored for years. Now I do too. It is a problem.

I wouldn't sleep on the sofa if my husband gained weight and started to snore, absolutely not. You know what is causing the snoring and you can do something about it if you want to. That's not being unkind, obviously there was a trigger for your weight gain but why should your husband suffer on the sofa, do you expect it because he's the man or something?

Wow some of these comments are harsh AF!

YANBU! Why should you be the one to always go to the sofa? If you generally can't share a bed a the moment then a little old fashioned turn taking would work wonders.

And ignore the MN fatphobics! You have been through terrible losses. Losing weight if harder without sleep or if your mental health and isn't good. Deal with your grief first.

'Sleeping' next to a snorer is no joke. I have often slept on the sofa when at home and if I don't fall asleep before my husband, I've got no chance.
I had less than four hours sleep last night because he was snoring like a bloody train, I could hear him over the four albums i listened to on Spotify and a huge air con unit in our hotel room. It's a million times worse when we're on holiday and there's no escape, I've been in tears and genuinely thought I could bloody kill him.
Your husband is not being unreasonable for wanting a decent sleep, but he could offer to take turns on the sofa.

My husband is a snorer and it’s very rare we share a bed overnight.

He’s always moaning about the fact I won’t share the bed with him…..I don’t think he resides how incredibly selfish it is for a snorer to expect their partner to go without sleep night after night just so they can be a ‘real couple’ who sleep in the same bed together.

I’m with your husband but I suggest you find somewhere more comfortable and long term than the sofa.

I’m sorry to hear about your bereavements and it’s perfectly understandable you turned to comfort eating at such a tough time. It’s good you are now working towards better health - maybe a visit to the doctor as well as home remedies could help you.

I can also understand you feel ‘demoted’ in a way, but you also seem to feel this reflects on how close you and your DH are. The other side to that coin though is - well, not sure you’ve ever spent any extended time next to a peacefully sleeping snorer, but in my experience that can become far more damaging to a relationship because it’s really frustrating for the person being kept awake and it is hard not to feel resentment especially if that happens over an extended period of time.

Good sleep is vital for you as you heal emotionally and for him as well generally - so separate areas to sleep is a good idea as you tackle the issue. I do think it would be wise to invest in a decent sofa bed if you can and to take turns during the week and perhaps agree to a weekend night you can go to sleep in the same bed? Can you try coming to that sort of compromise so you both get turns in the bedroom and also a night at least where you share? Hopefully as time goes on you will find the snoring improves and this could be a good way in the meantime to keep some closeness and compromise with one another.

DP and I both snore, we cannot sleep in the same room because we keep each other awake. We are lucky that we have space for us both to sleep in separate rooms.

I guess your DH has decided he keeps the room because you created this problem (not on purpose and not your fault at the time).

You could change this though, if you lost the weight you put on. Exercise is good for MH as well as fitness and weigh loss, have you thought about a daily walk, 20-30 mins every day to start with. Eating healthily and losing weigh would also help your MH too.

I’d hate sleeping on the sofa can you get a spare bed? I found the structure and social element of slimming world super helpful to get back on track with diet and exercise, and start losing some weight. When going through grief or/ and depression I’ve found it’s good to have a project too.

My dh snores, I try to fall asleep before him and then I don't notice it. I would never throw him out of bed though. Its cruel behaviour. I can list many potential solutions that are available on google.

You said you don't feel like a couple anymore, is there more to this? Is he supporting you after your bereavements? Is he affectionate and loving?

I would rather move out than sleep on a sofa every night like the family dog.

This. The solution to all of the problems is entirely in your hands. If you want to be a proper couple again you need to sort things out. My sympathy is very much with your husband. Living with a snorer is horrendous.

OpI'm sport for your loss.
Have you seemed counciling
Weight loss is not just deciding to do it!
Add that this weight/food issue is emotionally happen I g it's 10 x as hard and has become a disorder of sorts...
Don't be drastic,that won't help..non of this diwting crap that wont last.youll end up restrict binging cycle.or stupid starvation diets that won't work and kill you quicker.because it's not about weight loss or food here,it's about you using food it to cope with loss.thats a totally different ball game and exactly how eating disorders start.
You need to find new ways to cope.
To do this you need to sort your emotional health out regarding your loss.
In the meantime think not what you need to take out let say but what can you add in to your diet.what actual "health "behaviours and nutritious choices coukd yiu make.
What could you do at the point you want to over eat due to grief.
Have compassion for yourself.
Don't blame or shame on yourself.
Don't feel guiltvwhen you over eat when you get upset.
You need time.and real kindness for yourself.food has given you comfort at a time you've felt non or devastation.
It's very normal for emotions to gauge food.we eat when happy and when sad.its how food is allowed to be used.its good to be this way and perfectly healthy.its not a sin! But when it's the only thi g you've come to rely on,that when it becomes ill.
So what comes next is time,support and grief.allow it.allow yourself to feel your feelings.food won't stop that loss,it will only mask it for it to return later.you need to work through it.

I’m in the same situation and I really struggled before coming to terms with it. Could you buy a foldaway bed to be more comfy? Or do you have any room you could put a bed so you have a more permanent base?
I know it’s hard but I really have found trying to exercise and lose weight helps.

My DH snores like a bear. It is impossible to sleep through. I appreciate that the snorer isn't doing it on purpose but it is massively detrimental to the other partner.

In the short term, consider getting another bed of some kind in another room. In the long term, if you want to be back in bed with DH, you need to try and get the weight off.

Some harsh posts I'd agree but plenty advising the OP on what sort of help to seek around the snoring.

My current DH snores but I would NEVER ask him to sleep apart from me - I think the closeness and intimacy that comes from sharing a bed is way more important - for both of us - than my occasional broken sleep.

Then you sleep with an occasional snorer not someone with sleep apnoea. The two are completely different. Sleep deprivation is a form of torture for good reason.