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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset that I have to sleep on the sofa

187 replies

ladywithnomanors · 31/08/2022 22:52

I’ve been with my DH for 17 years. Over the last 3 years I have gained about 3 stone in weight due to bereavements within the family, I have been very depressed. As a result I now snore and it disturbs my DH so much that I now sleep on the sofa. This makes me feel like crap. I understand that my DH needs sleep but I feel like a second class citizen demoted to the sofa. AIBU to be upset ?

OP posts:
Afterfire · 31/08/2022 22:57

Why do you have to sleep on the sofa? Can’t you take turns? Is there any way you could put another bed somewhere? My dh snores and I feel like killing him at times but I’d never just banish him to the sofa.

Qwertyyui · 31/08/2022 22:58

My DH snores and I sleep in whichever kids bed is spare. I'd feel weird him sleeping in my DDs bed and he wouldn't fit in the bunk bed! When all the kids are here I either sleep with my DD or he sleeps on the sofa. Is there nowhere else you can sleep? Can you take it in turns on the sofa? Can you get a sofa bed so it actually feels like a bed? Have you contacted your gp?

To be honest snoring has massively driven a wedge in our relationship as lack of sleep is horrendous. He has 5lb to lose before the doctor will investigate and it cannot come off quick enough. If I had to sleep in the same bed he would either be dead or single by now.

quietnightmare · 31/08/2022 22:58

That's hard and understandable why you feel like that. You are both equally important

Not to be rude but would trying to loose some weight help not just physically but mentally due to what you have been through?

Take it in turns

Stay in the bed together but could he use ear plugs and you use those strips for you nose

Have you seen a doctor and see what they say

White noise machine if your other half can sleep with that on it may drown your snoring out

could he go up to bed half hour earlier and get to sleep first

Different sleeping positions

Yoga

Check for Algergies

New pillows ?

Mouth guard

This is a hard one as it's not your fault

hangrylady · 31/08/2022 22:58

As the wife of a snorer YABU.

drpet49 · 31/08/2022 22:58

I’m with your DH on this one.

hangrylady · 31/08/2022 22:59

Afterfire · 31/08/2022 22:57

Why do you have to sleep on the sofa? Can’t you take turns? Is there any way you could put another bed somewhere? My dh snores and I feel like killing him at times but I’d never just banish him to the sofa.

You're a nicer person than me!

itsjustnotok · 31/08/2022 23:00

OP have you done anything about the snoring? My DH snores badly and it disrupts my sleep massively but he has started on a new fitness regime and is gradually losing the weight. If you’re not already…maybe look into making some changes.

Original poster
ladywithnomanors · 31/08/2022 23:03

I’m trying to lose weight to help with the snoring . Unfortunately I list my Mum and then a year later my brother so my mental health is shot . I can completely understand his point of view but it feels like we’re not even a couple anymore.

OP posts:
AlexClo · 31/08/2022 23:03

Sorry but the snoring is self inflicted, your dh shouldn't be having his sleep disturbed because you haven't been able to manage your weight. Maybe buy a sofa bed instead to make it a bit more comfortable for yourself?

GooglyEyeballs · 31/08/2022 23:05

Snoring is so super disruptive and frustrating if it's keeping you up at night, so I really sympathise with your other half. You imply its related to you gaining 3 stone, it's quite a lot to gain over the period of time that you've mentioned, perhaps a healthier lifestyle might improve this for you? Seems your weight gain is psychological in nature as you say it's due to family loss, have you had any counselling/therapy/medical support of any kind to cope with what you're going through?

MatildaTheCat · 31/08/2022 23:07

Could you start the night together and move when he nudges you? You could come back into your bed for morning tea/ cuddles if that works.

sleeping with a snorer is really difficult but you should have somewhere comfortable to sleep instead.

Original poster
ladywithnomanors · 31/08/2022 23:08

AlexClo · 31/08/2022 23:03

Sorry but the snoring is self inflicted, your dh shouldn't be having his sleep disturbed because you haven't been able to manage your weight. Maybe buy a sofa bed instead to make it a bit more comfortable for yourself?

I know it’s my fault . My mum died of a terminal illness off which I nursed her through her last weeks and my brother died suddenly in horrendous circumstances. I have had bereavement counselling but it’s not a quick fix. I just feel crap about the whole situation tbh .

OP posts:
RampantIvy · 31/08/2022 23:08

Sorry, but trying to sleep next to a snorer is a nightmare. DH's snoring got worse and worse and developed into severe sleep apnoea. He now has a CPAP machine and I am back in our bedroom after decamping to the spare room.

It sounds like you have had a tough time, but it just doesn't work sharing a room with a snorer.

FiveDollarMilkshake · 31/08/2022 23:08

cant believe the posters here blaming you for your weight gain, so sad you lost your mum and brother, of course everything has gone to shit. That’s dreadful.

Hankunamatata · 31/08/2022 23:09

This was me but we got a spare mattress for the sitting room floor. It was a kick up the bum to start fast 800 and drop a couple of stone

olympicsrock · 31/08/2022 23:09

I don’t think people are being kind here. It will not help p lose weight to be sleep deprived. Both you and DH need a bed if you can only afford one then you take it in turns.Yes , try to lise weight but In the meantime - would a blow up bed be more comfortable? Could one of the DC sleep on a blowup bed so that both adults can have a bed?

giveovernate · 31/08/2022 23:10

MatildaTheCat · 31/08/2022 23:07

Could you start the night together and move when he nudges you? You could come back into your bed for morning tea/ cuddles if that works.

sleeping with a snorer is really difficult but you should have somewhere comfortable to sleep instead.

Wtf?

Atmywitsend29 · 31/08/2022 23:10

My DH snores. I wouldn't dream of making him sleep on the sofa every night.
Can't your DH wear ear plugs at night?
Or go to sleep before you do?

RewildingAmbridge · 31/08/2022 23:11

OP have you tried the sprays you spray down your throat? DH tried mouth guard, tennis ball sewn into the back of a t-shirt, noise steps, a nose clip thing, but the thing that works is the spray you can get it from boots.
Him even trying different things made me feel like the affect on me was noted

Mumspair1 · 31/08/2022 23:12

Sorry about your loss op. I think your dh should give you a few nights in the bed as well. It's not as if you just didn't bother and gained weight, you went through a very traumatic and emotional time. I also went through a very bad phase of snoring, my dh never once made me feel bad about it.

RewildingAmbridge · 31/08/2022 23:12

Fwiw DH snored so loudly it woke me up with ear plugs and even noise cancelling earbuds playing sleep sounds. We used to sleep in separate rooms mostly but that's not ideal, much better now.

Original poster
ladywithnomanors · 31/08/2022 23:15

RewildingAmbridge · 31/08/2022 23:11

OP have you tried the sprays you spray down your throat? DH tried mouth guard, tennis ball sewn into the back of a t-shirt, noise steps, a nose clip thing, but the thing that works is the spray you can get it from boots.
Him even trying different things made me feel like the affect on me was noted

I will look at getting a spray. I have tried some things but nothing really works. I snored when I was pregnant too so I definitely the no it’s a weight thing .

OP posts:
Brigante9 · 31/08/2022 23:19

Reverse? My DH snores (not overweight) and I decamp to the spare room. If I didn’t have a spare room, I’d buy a decent sofa bed. You both need your sleep, but yabvvu to complain when the issue lies with you and he can’t sleep because you snore.

Buttingtons · 31/08/2022 23:19

It's not your fault op. But it's not his either.

He could definitely be more compassionate and offer to have the sofa some of the time. Would he do that?

As someone who has lived with a snorer I must say it's very hard as the other person too. I've been in tears at the lack of sleep at times, while he's been having a seemingly lovely deep sleep, and I've had no sleep. That's with ear plugs and sleeping pills. They didn't cut it, I could still hear him. I was going mad with lack of sleep.

I think the only solutions are to share the sofa, and you take steps to look after yourself and heal your mental health until you can become in a position to lose weight.

I never ever wanted to shame my partner, and I loved him exactly the same and had a lot of compassion for his weight gain that caused the snoring. But honestly even a supportive loving partner can go absolutely insane over lack of sleep.

DelphiniumBlue · 31/08/2022 23:20

FiveDollarMilkshake · 31/08/2022 23:08

cant believe the posters here blaming you for your weight gain, so sad you lost your mum and brother, of course everything has gone to shit. That’s dreadful.

Agreed.
I might add, that I've put up with DH snoring like a train for years. He's recently saying I am snoring too, and he decamped to the spare room for a while, which really annoyed me. Anyway, he's back now, and as he falls asleep with headphones on listening to podcasts, I don't think he's suffering too much. I was actually really insulted given how I have had to deal with it ( his snoring)for decades.. we only recently got a spare room..
It doesn't have to be you that sleeps on the sofa. And weight gain is not the sole cause of snoring.
And for those saying how hard it is to share with a snorer, can I ask if you've ever fallen asleep with the TV on? In the middle of a loud film? We can all sleep with lights on, with film and music, it's the being annoyed that keeps one awake!