To be upset that I have to sleep on the sofa

[ladywithnomanors]

I’ve been with my DH for 17 years. Over the last 3 years I have gained about 3 stone in weight due to bereavements within the family, I have been very depressed. As a result I now snore and it disturbs my DH so much that I now sleep on the sofa. This makes me feel like crap. I understand that my DH needs sleep but I feel like a second class citizen demoted to the sofa. AIBU to be upset ?

Forget the weight for now unless its causing you specific health concerns.

Focus on learning to deal with your loss and the snoring. For the first, do you have the option of some specific bereavement counseling or a bereavement group in the local area (they are common, might be listed on neighbourhood groups or community centres or church notice boards)? If so, it can help you talk through or just listen and find ways to process the losses.

For the snoring you need to see your GP as the route to assessing for sleep apnoea. Apnoea is not always weight related - that is a myth. You do however need to check this as suffering from apnoea can make you feel constantly tired, down, depressed and put on weight.

In the short term - do you have a spare room or at least a decent sofabed so that both of you get some sleep whilst you seek help for coping with bereavement and possible apnoea.

Is your GP withholding help to investigate apnoea until he loses weight?

Does the GP know that weight gain is a common symptom of apnoea and treating it can help significantly with weightloss? And that the apnoea is affecting the whole family?

My current DH snores but I would NEVER ask him to sleep apart from me - I think the closeness and intimacy that comes from sharing a bed is way more important - for both of us - than my occasional broken sleep.

But you must be able to understand that for many people, it's not just occasional broken sleep. It's night, after night, after night of not getting enough sleep. It's being on edge constantly because you're expecting them to snore, of feeling pressured to drop off first so you can at least get a couple of undisturbed hours in.

You end up exhausted, unwell and frustrated. It causes huge amounts of resentment as they're lying their oblivious and unconscious and, yet again, you're wide awake because someone is snorting and snoring less than a foot away from you.

Do you want him to sleep on the sofa an you in the bed or that you're both in the bed?

Occasional is one thing.

All night every single night is a form of torture for the one wide awake unable to sleep. Dh starts snoring within seconds of falling asleep. I never manage to get to sleep first before he starts.

This must win the award for the most unkind post of the year. There are many, many reasons for snoring, including allergies. Even if someone has put on weight, again there are a multitude of reasons for doing so. Did you not read that the OP has had several tragedies recently. No-one should need to sleep on a settee on a regular basis, whatever the circumstances.

Maybe get a sofa bed? They can be super comfortable. I feel for you but also for him. Sleep deprivation is horrendous.

My husband was seen at the ENT department at the hospital due to his snoring. We were taken seriously. His snoring was so loud and persistent. For example on holiday we had people in adjoining hotel rooms, and rooms down the corridor complain about the noise. No one ever wanted to stay in our spare room, due to the noise. He has various ENT physical problems which means loud snoring is inevitable - eg. ear problems, blocked eustachian tubes, nose abnormalities which means he can really only mouth breathe. They've all worsened as he has aged.

He had various types of surgery. However, he declined the operation to remove the soft palate at the top of his mouth and epiglottis. Too major, and there is a risk of problems when eating as food can leak out of your nose.

They also recommended a mandible device called a Snorban. You can get them on Amazon. They're fitted a bit like a mouth shield for playing hockey. Please do try a Snorban. (If you're a major snorer the strips, sprays etc will do nothing.)

The snoring is much reduced in volume but he still sleeps in the spare room every night. We have a happy marriage. We both get lots of sleep.

So I think there can be light at the end of the tunnel.

It is hard to believe that when you are grieving, and feeling cast out from your marital bed.

I am married to a snorer. I don’t think we’d still be together if we had to share a bed. Severely disturbed sleep has a huge impact on mental and physical health; if we go on holiday I have to go bed in the afternoon just to get a couple of hours, and when we have visitors, I sleep on the sofa ( I’m shorter than DH, so sleep better on the sofa than he does, and far far better than I would in bed with him).

You don’t need to sleep next to each other to feel like a couple; go to bed together for a cuddle and a chat, then move. And get back in with a cup of tea in the morning.

Yabu. Trying to sleep next to a snorer is awful. I would start losing weight to resolve the issue then you're both happy.

No-one should need to sleep on a settee on a regular basis, whatever the circumstances.

I would counter that no-one should be expected to go without sleep on a regular basis, whatever the circumstances. Honestly, it is torture. I have slept on hotel bathroom floors, and even the landing outside a hotel room to get away from it.

Well the obvious thing is to get a place with 2 bedrooms. But you need to start with a sofa bed so you at least get a decent night’s sleep.

Snoring is a pain in the backside yes. But surely your wife’s mental health trumps that? I’m so sorry you’ve been treated this way OP. I can only imagine the pain of losing your mother and brother in such tragic circumstances. As others have said, even before looking at losing weight I’d see if I could get some therapy/counselling to address your mental health and give you an opportunity to process what has happened. This is so important and will help you on your journey to healing.

Likewise I’d talk to your husband about how sleeping on the sofa is making you feel. Maybe he thinks you have offered this freely and doesn’t appreciate the (understandably) bad affect this is having one your relationship.

It is not your fault this has happened OP. Anyone saying otherwise needs to take a look at themselves. Please prioritise yourself and look into getting some help for your mental health. If weight loss is then something you want to explore you will be in a much better place to do this once you’ve eased the pain of your mental health first.

Snoring is a pain in the backside yes. But surely your wife’s mental health trumps that?

His mental health matters too and sleep deprivation every night can destroy it.

The snorer leaves the room here. Sleep deprivation is torture.

She has been through two very upsetting bereavements, her mother and her brother. It sounds like as a result of this she has gained some weight and started snoring. It does not sounds like this was an issue before they tragically passed away. Compassion for your partner beyond your own immediate physical needs, particularly if this hasn’t been going on for decades, does trump getting a solid 8 hours every night in my opinion.

I don't think you should have to sleep on the sofa no. I'm sorry for what has happened to you. Why doesn't your partner wear earplugs? I'd wear earplugs rather than force my partner to sleep on the sofa. That's horrible.

fucking Hell! I’m only up to page one (so will rtft) but I can’t believe the nastiness I’m reading already. I see the fat phobia and shaming is out in full force again. Yes it’s all your fault OP, how dare you be so disgusting to be overweight following bereavement! How right that you should be banished to the sofa of shame! No! Fuck off!

your DH is being completely unreasonable. Yes snoring is distruptive, but it’s completely unfair that you should be having to sleep on a sofa every night while he takes the bed. You need to come to a mutual fair arrangement.

im so sorry for the losses you have suffered. Anyone piping in with “just lose weight” really just doesn’t understand, so please ignore those unhelpful comments. Being shamed, being exhausted from lack of sleep, dealing with grief…none of those things help with losing weight (which honestly I think you shouldn’t even consider if it results in diet mentality, what you need is to focus on things you can do to improve your overall health). To be well mentally and physically you need to be well rested, have the energy to make foods which are more nutrient dense so you’re getting good fuel for your physical and mental health needs. Please know that you have done nothing wrong. You’ve had a shit load of crap thrown at you this last year and your dh should be supporting you, not kicking you out of bed to sleep uncomfortably on a bloody sofa.

i hope the thread has moved on (I’ll catch up now), and that you have received more empathy and some good solutions. You deserve to sleep in a bed, and rest. I’m sorry you’ve had to read so many shaming unhelpful comments on here.

I'd up the exercise and cut the sugar to lose the weight. Then you'd stop snoring, and be back in the bed. Snoring is hellish for others trying to sleep. I think excerise would be great for your mental health. Jogging, aerobics youtube work out, hula hooping which I'm doing to help my middle age spread!

My exhusband was a terrible sleeper, when he did sleep he also snored loudly, but I would think, thank goodness he is asleep, because I loved him and wanted the best for him whereas when I snored, he would blame me, and I ended up on the sofa! It is always the snorers fault, never the person who is kept awake by circling thoughts and guilt...(as in my exhusbands case) I think snorers should stand up for their right to have a good noisy nights sleep and light sleepers should deal with their insomnia by getting fit enough to have a healthy night's sleep!😘

Your husband is no gentleman though is he, what kind of man leaves his wife on the sofa every night?! I could not be with someone like that.

Unfortunately the fat phobia carried on...

See a specialist about the snoring. If you didn't do it before and do now it means something's wrong. Take as read you should try to lose weight anyway, of course.

I think snorers should stand up for their right to have a good noisy nights sleep and light sleepers should deal with their insomnia by getting fit enough to have a healthy night's sleep!😘

So the snorer has the right to be noisy at night and the person who is being kept awake's solution is to exercise to exhaustion so they sleep?