To be upset that I have to sleep on the sofa

[ladywithnomanors]

I’ve been with my DH for 17 years. Over the last 3 years I have gained about 3 stone in weight due to bereavements within the family, I have been very depressed. As a result I now snore and it disturbs my DH so much that I now sleep on the sofa. This makes me feel like crap. I understand that my DH needs sleep but I feel like a second class citizen demoted to the sofa. AIBU to be upset ?

It's sounds more that your issue is the separation rather than the sofa itself ?
Honestly If you dh is anything like me than it's impossible to sleep with someone snoring next to you. Honestly when my dh occasionally snores I genuinely harbour homicidal thoughts: it's far better to sleep separately properly than to sleep deprive each other. I'd get a sofa bed and take turns though .

go to the doctor and arrange an appointment to see someone about getting a CPAP for sleep apnoea, then you will both get a good sleep in your bed, and you will feel so much better

But it wouldn't be fair on your DH if you slept in the same room as it would only be you sleeping....

The other thing i must say, I'm as fat as him, we both need to lose weight! But apparently I don't snore and he does. It's not his fault, but it seems I was somehow not a snorer. So we decided to lose weight together as a team. It's ongoing. But he snores far less even after losing 1.5 stone.

I understand why you’re upset but I’m with your dh on this. You need to find a more comfortable solution and an official sleeping place for you - sofa bed?

my dh snores really badly (overweight and drinks too much) and I can’t share a bed with him. We’re lucky enough to have a spare room so I almost always sleeping there. Holidays are torture. I usually end up sleeping on a sofa in another room then. I end up on the sofa here when we have guests so I hate having guests to stay!

Get him ear plugs ?

As the wife of a snorer you are being unreasonable. DH's snoring has really affected our relationship and my sleep patterns, despite the fact we bought a mattress that I sleep on in another room now. I was literally on my knees with exhaustion, I would just sit and sob from sheer tiredness every single morning. There's a reason they use sleep deprivation as a type of punishment.
The difference is, DH has a medical issue that he's awaiting surgery for that is causing him to snore (thanks massive NHS backlog), although he has tried various interim solutions and at least when he started to take action I felt acknowledged because up until that point it felt like he didn't give two hoots about me, and that's probably how your husband feels right now. You have the power to do something to help your situation.

"Him even trying different things made me feel like the affect on me was noted"

Then @Mumspair1 " I also went through a very bad phase of snoring, my dh never once made me feel bad about it."

Two sides, same coin: communication, accommodation. Effects on both parties acknowledged and attempts made jointly to mitigate.

But whatever is needed to get there, OP is still an equal person and deserves half-shares in bedtime.

DH snores and I'm afraid when it's really bad I banish him to the sofa.

He refuses to see a doctor or get any help so my sympathy for him is non-existent, really. Can you get yourself to the GP and see if you can access some bereavement support as well as help for your snoring and such?

I'm really sorry for what you've been through and that you lost your mum and brother

Could you join him in bed once he's fallen asleep, or does your snoring actually wake him from his sleep?

My DH snores and if I fall asleep before him I'm usually ok. If he wakes me at night then I slope off to the spare room.

My partner is a snorer and we have tried a million solutions and nothing worked long term until he got a massive wedge pillow like the picture.

He has a normal pillow on top of this wedge and he very rarely snores now. I was going out of my mind from tiredness before this pillow, and honestly so was he since he would snore so loud he'd wake himself!

Not everything works for everyone but I think it's worth it to try all the options within your means as it's not good for either of you, or your relationship to carry on as is.

I agree sleeping separately seems like a good idea under the circumstances. That said, rather overbearing of him to simply banish you to the sofa rather than moving there himself- after all, he's the one taking offense! - or taking turns. If the problem is that you don't have a spare room and he remains unreasonable, no way would I settle even for a decent sofa bed. Suggest you toss out the sofa, order a proper bed and make the living room your own - if necessary put up some screens to protect your privacy. If he doesn't like it, tough shit.

Some harsh posts on here! You have a number of reasons to feel upset OP. You have had a tough time lately, and added to that are maybe not feeling great about the weight gain. Now you don't get to share a bed with your partner, which is an upsetting feeling. AND you are on the sofa which is uncomfortable!

My ex used to insist on me sleeping in a different room. Not because I snored but just because he preferred sleeping alone. It was a truly horrible feeling - o felt very sad and rejected.

My current DH snores but I would NEVER ask him to sleep apart from me - I think the closeness and intimacy that comes from sharing a bed is way more important - for both of us - than my occasional broken sleep.

Could your partner try ear plugs? Does he know how shitty this is making you feel?

I will look at getting one of those pillows thanks

I gained 7 stone and had awful snoring and apnea.

Not once did DH ever ask me to sleep elsewhere. That's awful. It's your bed too!

And for those saying how hard it is to share with a snorer, can I ask if you've ever fallen asleep with the TV on? In the middle of a loud film? We can all sleep with lights on, with film and music, it's the being annoyed that keeps one awake!

I can't, never have. I need blackout and silence to sleep.

I'm sorry for your struggles OP. In the meantime, while you process life. It might be worth looking into something more comfortable to sleep on.

I have my own bedroom because of my husband's snoring. We would have bee divorced by now if I hadn't. He has a CPAP and it's a godsend but I like my own room too much to give it up.

Compromise is I think the answer for the minute

I'm not remotely overweight and I snore.

So the posters blaming you can just do one.
I'm sorry you've been through a rough time, and that you're being supported to lose the extra weight.

The only external thing that will help is a dentist fitted mouthguard that keeps the airway open at night. They're not cheap, but definitely worth it so you can part company with the sofa.

I’m so sorry for all the sadness you have suffered, OP

@DelphiniumBlue I honestly can't sleep next to a snorer because it is a repetitive unpleasant loud noise and I am quite noise sensitive. It's not because I'm annoyed. I could fall asleep if I'm really tired with the TV on but that depends on what I'm watching. There's no way I could fall asleep to the irritating noise of family guy for instance. However, I could fall asleep listening to JK Simmons talk! He has a very soothing voice! So really it depends on the noise and snoring is not generally considered a relaxing sound.

So sorry for your situation and loss 💕 you need a comfortable sleeping situation for now, but a.bit of equality - why is it so often the wife who moves, whether she's the snorer or not?! Can you set up a nice bed, spare room, sofa bed? Sleeping with a snorer is actually soul destroying and exhausting, but the snorer sleeps through so doesn't suffer the effects

I'm sorry to hear about your bereavement OP. I agree that snoring is annoying but I don't see that you should be the one to sleep every night on the sofa . My DH is a snorer but I was normally the one who crept to the sofa in the middle of the night - he was asleep and oblivious . We now have a spare room (DC moved out) so can both sleep in comfort . I'm guessing you don't have a spare room ?

See the doctor. I have a CPAP after over 25 years of snoring. It’s life changing.

Be kind to yourself OP.

I’m sorry love, but if your snoring is stopping your DH sleeping then it really is like torture. I can’t sleep through loud snoring even with ear plugs. It’s not fair to expect someone to live with constant sleep deprivation. Can you get a proper sofa bed or one of those deep inflatable mattresses so you can be comfortable until you can tackle the snoring? You might also be sleeping very poorly without realising it.

DH snores - hard for me and I was sleep deprived. For other reasons he got one of those raised pillows so he doesn't sleep lying flat - also really helps with the snoring! Before that I was getting annoyed and sleeping in the spare room - felt very isolating and also he felt bad when he couldn't help it. Look into something like that? Both of us are trying to lose a bit of weight but that takes time and we don't always manage to stay on track - no need to beat ourselves up about it though - focus on trying to find a medium term solution and be kind to yourself

How is snoring self inflicted I weight 8 stone and snore like a bull dog, my nose got broke when I was 12 ever since I snore really really loud,nothing to do with weight .