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AIBU?

Fucking hate this term

1000 replies

MolliciousIntent · 31/08/2022 19:03

Conversation today with an acquaintance, who is a SAHP, has oddly kinda upset me. I've just gone back to work after 6m mat leave and mentioned that I'll be going into London for work now and then - she said "oh it's been ages since I went to London, but then again I am a full time mum."

I'm probably just tired and stressed, but it felt like a bit of a guy punch. I'm a full time mum too. I just work as well. I've seen SAHMs described as full time mums before, now I think about it, and it makes me feel weird.

Do people really think working mums are part time parents? Or was she just having a dig?

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AIBU

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Theimpossiblegirl · 31/08/2022 19:05

I agree, it's clumsy and inaccurate. Can also come across as a bit smug. Stay at home mum is fine, but of course working mums are full time mums. We don't stop being mums when we're not with our children.

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MadMadMadamMim · 31/08/2022 19:06

I understand the irritation. I'd have probably said, "Aren't we all, love? Would love not to have to work on top!" but then I'm a bit gobby.

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Emanresu9 · 31/08/2022 19:06

yabu. She is parenting full time. You are not parenting full time. You have a job. You are only with the child parenting some of the time.

I mean, it’s accurate. I don’t have an opinion on which is better or worse they’re just different choices but she IS a full time mother/parent and whilst you’re still a mother you aren’t doing solely that, full time.

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BeautifulDragon · 31/08/2022 19:06

It was a comment on her own situation and nothing to do with you at all.

I can see why this could be sensitive for you, but ultimately people can describe themselves however they want.

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Br1ll1ant · 31/08/2022 19:06

I get it, but you’re not doing the ‘mum’ thing all day, every day. You have other responsibilities.
it’s just a phrase, probably from someone trying to justify their choices to themselves to some extent. Don’t overthink it. You’re the mum you are, and it’s the best one for your children.

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vodkaredbullgirl · 31/08/2022 19:08

Just ignore her, you dammed if you do and dammed if you don't.

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MsTSwift · 31/08/2022 19:08

She is though as she is doing her own childcare during the day. It’s abit paranoid to think it’s a dig at you!

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Badgirlriri · 31/08/2022 19:09

Ugh, hate when people write on FB “workplace: full time mummy”

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Testina · 31/08/2022 19:09

It bothers you because your child is 6 months old and you’re just going back.
When your child is 6 years old, you won’t even register comments like that.
It’s not even a sly dig, just a way of phrasing that she’s a SAHM. Let it go!

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RJnomore1 · 31/08/2022 19:10

Don’t get upset because she feels she needs to justify herself op.

and even if she doesn’t work there’s no reason she couldn’t go to London, it was an odd comment I suspect made because she feels hemmed in.

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Sunnyqueen · 31/08/2022 19:10

I'm sorry but she's not said anything wrong. She is there with her child mumming 24/7. You go to work a large chunk of the week during which someone else is looking after your child. You choose to work full time so that's the life you've chosen.

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MolliciousIntent · 31/08/2022 19:10

Emanresu9 · 31/08/2022 19:06

yabu. She is parenting full time. You are not parenting full time. You have a job. You are only with the child parenting some of the time.

I mean, it’s accurate. I don’t have an opinion on which is better or worse they’re just different choices but she IS a full time mother/parent and whilst you’re still a mother you aren’t doing solely that, full time.

So, I stop being a mother between the hours of 9 and 5? Does it start again when I breastfeed during the day, or if I have lunch with my toddler, or is it a constant thing? If I work 40 hours a week I'm considered a full time employee, seeing as I'm doing the night wakes with my baby can I not count those hours towards my full-time mum quota, or is it only daylight care that counts?

OP posts:

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NewDiary · 31/08/2022 19:10

You’re a mum all the time but you’re not parenting all the time. It feels a bit as if you’re looking for something to be offended by- like a SAHM objecting to the term “working mum” because it implies SAHMs just sit around all day. Life’s hard enough without putting the worst possible spin on everything.

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Choopi · 31/08/2022 19:11

I don't think it was about you. She was describing herself and she can call herself what ever she wants really. You can call yourself a full time mum too if it means that much to you.

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Sweetmotherofallthatisholyabov · 31/08/2022 19:12

As with most things in life, it's not about you. It's about her.

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PeasOff · 31/08/2022 19:12

I think people who are SAHPs call themselves full-time mum/dad to make themselves feel better as they feel inadequate at times.

When I was a SAHM I never once thought to use that term.

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Zumatalaa · 31/08/2022 19:13

I voted YABU simply because you shouldn't care. I laugh at such silly statements.

I have been both and never declared either. I live, work sometimes, and I raise children now I have them.

Some people like labels, makes them feel self assured. Let them be.

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cavia · 31/08/2022 19:14

MadMadMadamMim · 31/08/2022 19:06

I understand the irritation. I'd have probably said, "Aren't we all, love? Would love not to have to work on top!" but then I'm a bit gobby.

Much more polite than I'd have said the same sentiment. Not everyone has a choice "to go back to work and let someone else look after their kids" Sometimes we need to, hate every second and still have to act like a SAHM even though we're out of the house however many hours a week. Don't feel ashamed tho OP, you're justified to feel like you do x

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MynameisJune · 31/08/2022 19:14

Sunnyqueen · 31/08/2022 19:10

I'm sorry but she's not said anything wrong. She is there with her child mumming 24/7. You go to work a large chunk of the week during which someone else is looking after your child. You choose to work full time so that's the life you've chosen.

You realise some people don’t have a choice, they have to work to live?

@MolliciousIntent most of the people on here saying YABU are probably SAHM themselves or have been. There’s some on MN that think working parents are only parents when they’re actively with their children. Don’t give them any thought, just do what is best for your family.

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cestlavielife · 31/08/2022 19:15

"When your kids go to school will you be a part time mum too?"

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Morello339 · 31/08/2022 19:16

Can I just get some clarification on SAHMs who have school aged children...they aren't 'mumming' 24/7 anymore. So do we consider them part time mum's now? Or just regular unemployed adults?

Or is it just working mums we consider part time parents?

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Topgub · 31/08/2022 19:17

Ach, I wouldnt let it get to you.

Some sahms seem to feel a constant need for validation and to justify their existence.

It says more about her insecurities than anything else.

Funny how no one questions if dads are full time dads if they work.

Or of sahms are still 'mumming' 🤢🤢 full time when gheir kids go to school.

Of course you don't ever stop being a parent, work or not.

There's no magic amount of hours you need to put in to be a mum /parent

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CurlyhairedAssassin · 31/08/2022 19:17

I didn't have a job for about 3 years when mine were little (was fortunate to have the option - my salary and prospects were shit and life was just about affordable then on one wage, for a while, so it was a no brainer). I often felt worthless compared to career women, or even those who just worked PT, as if I was offering nothing to society, and did nothing of any use to anyone (except my kids, who obviously didn't appreciate any of it). No-one offered to have the kids at all so I could go off to London (or anywhere else) for the day etc, just because/to get out of my routine/to do something for myself (apart from DH who was great and took the odd day's leave here and there when he could). I think others saw it as I was just "always there", so didn't need childcare for "worthy things" like job stuff. We were also totally skint so I wouldn't have had the money for even the train fare.

So basically, I very very rarely got any change of scene. My life was very "small". I used to be jealous of DH working away and having a hotel room for the night and doing his own thing/chatting to different people/having a meal out.

Please don't assume there is any veiled meaning to what she's saying. She could just literally be jealous, meaning she doesn't have the opportunity to do that.

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Theimpossiblegirl · 31/08/2022 19:17

So a sahm would cease being a full time mum if they had a break/day out/weekend away?

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AiryFairy1 · 31/08/2022 19:18

I thought you meant the autumn term at school, days beginning and ending in the dark, mud, annoying trick treaters, Christmas sweater day - yanbu … off I pop >>>>>>

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