Fucking hate this term

[MolliciousIntent]

Conversation today with an acquaintance, who is a SAHP, has oddly kinda upset me. I've just gone back to work after 6m mat leave and mentioned that I'll be going into London for work now and then - she said "oh it's been ages since I went to London, but then again I am a full time mum."

I'm probably just tired and stressed, but it felt like a bit of a guy punch. I'm a full time mum too. I just work as well. I've seen SAHMs described as full time mums before, now I think about it, and it makes me feel weird.

Do people really think working mums are part time parents? Or was she just having a dig?

I think she sounded jealous of you going out to work and focussing on other things 💕

She’s just trying to justify her own life, nothing to do with you at all.

Can people really see not see the point. No one is saying it's better or worse and of course you are a mum all the time, but you are not taking care of your child full time, that's all it means.

It's a shame some mums try to change the intent of these comments or find the need to try and start the working mum vs stay at home mum.

You do you, to be the best mum and others will do what's best for them.

Sorry but you are being a little ridiculous.

Parents with kids at school aren't parenting during the day but of course they're still parents.
Full time Mum is just an imperfect descriptive term to describe a variety of similar circumstances.

Hardly something to get upset about.

Mum isn't a job title so no one is a full or part-time one. You are either a mum or you're not. So YANBU just due to that alone!

I mean, it’s accurate. I don’t have an opinion on which is better or worse they’re just different choices but she IS a full time mother/parent and whilst you’re still a mother you aren’t doing

@Thinkbiglittleone

but you are not taking care of your child full time

Does that matter?

When's the cut off?

How long do you have to be away from them before you're not taking care of them full time?

YANBU OP. Reminds me of the colleague I had who sent round a circular email to all staff stating that she wouldn’t be returning from mat leave because her baby was too precious to go to nursery. Made me, with my three-year-old with complex special needs and my baby both in nursery, feel absolutely tip-top. 😳

The only thing you need to know is the minute you give birth you will be judged no matter what parenting decision you make. Best to rise above it and move on. You will never do it right according to some people and they will never do it right according to you but ultimately everyone is just doing their best.

What the does going into London have to do with being a SAHM presumably she can go there whenever she likes?

She might or might not have meant it as a dig - it can be used either way. It’s an imperfect phrase. You’re a mum all the time, of course. You’re both working - her looking after her child all the time, and you working out of the house during the day and then looking after your child when you get home. So “working mum” or “full time mum” are both daft really, but what else do you say? SAHM is easier to type than to say.

Forgot to add that by this comment Sahm would be doing nothing whilst child is at school etc - she obviously isn't looking after her child then

Not really surprising if they imply parents with actual jobs are lesser parents.

@PeasOff So you're saying a husband & wife who make the decision as a family, that they can afford for the wife to stay at home until the kids start school (or maybe they'll home school?) instead of the children going into expensive childcare, is in the EXACT same category as, for one of many examples, a lazy 19yr old who lives at home with their parents and cannot be bothered to work because they don't need to to survive?*
Hardly!

*I am absolutely not saying that all 19yr olds are like that or that all unemployed people are lazy, it was just two different extremes as examples!

Sometimes it's a dig.
Sometimes it's justification for not having a job

It's always thoughtless.

Perhaps she meant that if she went into London, she’d have to take her child with her; she wouldn’t pay for childcare just to take a trip into London.

So by previous logic applied to being a 'FT mum', if they're not parenting their children whilst they're at school, does that make them PT parents?

It is a stupid term - you don't suddenly stop being a parent if you aren't with your child every second of the day. Do SAHP stop being parents if they go to the gym and leave their DC in the creche?

Not worth making a fuss over though. The majority of parents work out of necessity. Personally I always preferred to keep my financial independence.

@ThePumpkinPatch

Its not that dissimilar.

Both lifestyle choices funded by some one else

Well both are unemployed - doesn't matter as to the reason why or why the choice was made really, does it? Still made the choice.

I try very hard never to say 'working mum' or 'SAHM' or 'full time mum' or any of those things because it's all inaccurate and offensive. Mothers are caught in a trap caused by gender roles and society's judgements (and, most of all, other mothers' judgements).

The fact that none of us can find inoffensive commonly understood ways of describing our particular circumstances is a consequence of that. As is the fact that you will not find a single dad, anywhere, no matter what his working or dadding status is, who has ever expended a single solitary calorie thinking about how to describe his role.

You hate full-time mum, as others have said she probably hates SAHM (I always did when I was one - I'm not agoraphobic or frightened of outside, I just happened to be working extremely hard for no money).

Anyway. Point being, getting pissed off with other mothers about this stuff is usually a bit besides the point, although totally human.

It's the same old debate hammered out again & again.

there's no 'right' answer to any if it. Everyone just needs to get on with doing what they want or need to do & don't be so sensitive.

I don't think "full time mum" is meant to put anyone else down - I think a lot of women feel odd about not having a paid job, and they are making the point that they are not unemployed. You going back to work probably reminded this lady that she has not gone back to work, and she is reassuring herself about that decision.

She didn’t say full time parenting though did she?

Technically no one is a full time anything because you have to sleep, eat, weekends etc.