Fucking hate this term

[MolliciousIntent]

Conversation today with an acquaintance, who is a SAHP, has oddly kinda upset me. I've just gone back to work after 6m mat leave and mentioned that I'll be going into London for work now and then - she said "oh it's been ages since I went to London, but then again I am a full time mum."

I'm probably just tired and stressed, but it felt like a bit of a guy punch. I'm a full time mum too. I just work as well. I've seen SAHMs described as full time mums before, now I think about it, and it makes me feel weird.

Do people really think working mums are part time parents? Or was she just having a dig?

I didn't say your previous logic, by previous logic as in what OPs friend meant.

If SAHMs are secure in their choices and value their role why does society need to give them a pat on the back?

Working parents will take offence as it's being implied that they are PT parents.

*but.

MN needs an edit function!

@SoupDragon

What will you be when your children leave home?

I think you are sensitive to anything that could be interpreted that you are a bad mum because you went to work when your baby is just 6 months old which is tough. Perhaps you dont want to but you are forced to by the circumstances. I dont think the other mum wanted to make you feel bad or make herself look better. She just gave a reason why she doesnt get to travel into London.

I don't agree that just because a phrase is widely used you can't object to it. That's literally how both language and society evolve.

I also think how widely used it is depends v much on your circles. I haven't heard it IRL for some years now, even though I have many many friends who are mums (SAHM and WOHM) of all ages.

Loving the theory that working is a choice. I'm a single mum and have to work. No doubt I'd get my arse handed to me on here if I didn't (yet if I was married to a well off man and not working I'd be a hero but that's another debate). Re not taking care of children while at work. When I'm working I'm taking care of my children. I can't think of how earning money for housing and feeding them is not counted as taking care of them. Not to mention all the lunch time phone calls to doctors, dentists, SENCO etc. I always have one eye on the clock and feel split between the two roles constantly. I'm certainly not relaxing having a coffee and a chat as some SAHM seem to think. YANBU.

I'm sure the op knows her situation?

There was no need for the friend to say it.

It wasn't relevant in any way

Can I ask what part wasn't supposed to be relevant in the conversation?

You knew what she meant, and she was just explaining she doesn't have a reason to get out. I'm slightly surprised she never takes the kids into London, but there are probably reasons for that.

Once my child was in nursery, he was being looked after by others so there was a period when we weren't responsible for him, you can call that part time parenting if you like and it wouldn't upset me, nursery are quite literally "in loco parentis". I've always been very aware that it does give a lovely relaxing bit of work time where you can wee on your own, drink coffee while it's hot, not be talked at constantly for hours on end, not wipe anyone's bum, as well as not explaining the finer points of what happens when wee goes down the toilet and how water comes back out of the tap. Sometimes people do sneer a bit about mums or dads at home with their children as though it's easy and no effort to keep growing minds occupied and happy, you would think they would know from looking after their own kids weekends and holidays that it really isn't.

I think you're upset because you feel the term was a dig, when actually she was only trying to clarify her own life in a way that didn't feel shit to her. You should feel proud of being a working mum, providing for your child and being there for them. It shouldn't hurt to let her have a crumb of pride in her own way of life too.

Used to drive me mad as it was nearly always accompanied by a comment about the sacrifices they'd made as they couldn't bare to leave their children.

It does improve as they get older.

😂😂

No. If I had to be a SAHP I'd have probably put my child up for adoption about 3 years ago

<joke> not really.

Working is part of the role of parenting ie providing for your child. Dads that work are not part time fathers.
If you have children you are a full time parent whether you work or not.

She didn’t say full time parenting though did she?

Or ‘I’m parenting full time!’ Now that would sound pompous and judgemental!

@Thinkbiglittleone

The bit where she shoe horned being a 'full time' mum into going to London?

How is that even a thing?

😅😅

I've spent the whole thread wondering what this phrase has to do with the autumn term.....the penny has only just dropped 😅🤦🏻‍♀️

Anyway, I think it's clumsy wording but not intentional. Both sides can be very prickly and OP comes across as quite prickly in her responses.

SAHM/SAHP often feel as if they need to justify why they're at home, and can face a lot of criticism for the choices they've made. Mums who return to work can feel a lot of guilt, and bristle at any suggestion that they're doing less parenting. Both sides are capable of being a bit smug and superior, and both sides often feel judged for the choices they've made.

You know your friend. Was it likely to be snarky? If it wasn't, then I'd let it go. You're just returning to work and probably feeling a huge mix of emotions, which is understandable.

I don't know anyone who seriously thinks that you stop being a parent when you go out to work. it's just a phrase that's been used for years to describe a role where a woman with children doesn't work.

When you send your kids to school, you agree for staff to act 'in loco parentis'. There are literally other adults responsible for a child, in place of their parents.

Your parenting duties suspend and pass to someone else whilst you are working.
Her parenting duties are 24/7
So yes, you actively parent (or actively Mother) part time. Of course you are always her Mum but whilst working you are not actively being her mum.
Someone is standing in for you whilst you are not there.
It’s a clumsy term I guess and some times when someone says this they feel a bit inadequate that they don’t have an employed job. They feel that the other person is looking down on them thinking ‘oh, is that ALL you do?’
Been there many times.

Full time mum is a stupid and offensive term - would people really refer to and think of someone as a part time mum??
SAHM mum I can understand and feel that’s better terminology.

When people talk about work and hot coffee and wee breaks I always conclude their experience of working parenthood is different from mine.

Working not as a parent was like that. Working as a parent is trying to get 8-9 hours worth of stuff squeezed into 7 hours, phoning the SENCO and buying a red nose on my too-short lunch 'break', paying online for school dinners and catching up on my work emails on my bus to work, arriving home with kids in tow at 6pm bursting for a wee I've been trying to find 2 mins for since 2pm. And my job is relatively flexible!

Personally I'd rather have been able to stay at home with my children longer. There is sort of a mental 'break' from both work and motherhood ("a change is as good as a rest"and all that), but my working day now that it is bookended by motherhood is absolutely the opposite of restful. I am squeezing so much more in than if I was only doing one and the other, precisely because I am also always a mum.

There is a massive difference between the phrase SAHM and full-time mum!

If your child is at school/nursery/childminder/nanny you are not a part time mum, the minute that child is sick or something happens every one of those care givers will phone you to pick them up etc.

Are all sahms solely responsible for their kids 24/7?

Does 'parenting' not include providing for?

The bit where she shoe horned being a 'full time' mum into going to London?

Surely only the same as the OP "shoehorning" in that London was for work?
It was a simple conversation, some people just like to read to much negativity into things.

How is that even a thing?
If you go back years it's been a "thing", it's a term that has been used for donkeys, it's even been having threads on here for years about working mums strangely being offended by it.

I am a full time mum and full time worker. I win.

Think the term full time mum is accurate she didn't call you a part time mum that's what we as society imply.

She is parenting full time you are not you are working some of the the time. It doesn't make you a part time mum as you are always a mum
But you are only parenting part of your child life. It's not a bad thing I work three days a week and I accept that am not a full time mum I actually don't want to be 🤣.

Lockdown with three children proved to me I wasn't parenting full time before I actively enjoy my lunch break in work less so with a toddler throwing food at me.

It's a bit like driving, I am driver but I am not actively driving all the time. I wouldn't say am part time driver no such thing of course but am also not full time driver like say a lorry driver.

Enjoy your trips to London bet your friend can't even go to her bathroom alone.

No need to be upset or offended, doesn't make you any less of mother just a different type of parent. ❤️❤️

She'll be plain old unemployed with no pension in a few years, I wouldn't get too worked up about what she said, you are in a far better position.

@Thinkbiglittleone

No.

How is it even a thing that you can't go to London because you're a full time mum?

And, no.

I'm pretty sure going to London for work was relevant to the convo about work.