Fucking hate this term

[MolliciousIntent]

Conversation today with an acquaintance, who is a SAHP, has oddly kinda upset me. I've just gone back to work after 6m mat leave and mentioned that I'll be going into London for work now and then - she said "oh it's been ages since I went to London, but then again I am a full time mum."

I'm probably just tired and stressed, but it felt like a bit of a guy punch. I'm a full time mum too. I just work as well. I've seen SAHMs described as full time mums before, now I think about it, and it makes me feel weird.

Do people really think working mums are part time parents? Or was she just having a dig?

I said any more than men

As in why specify women?

Why not people?

If people want to doss about and never get a job is that OK too?

Should we support that choice and not be judgemental of someone who decides to never work and live off benefits?

"Why a 'little' wife"

Indeed pinklavender.

Bitter people essentially.

Takes so little to be a great dad. Or a shit mum.

Aint that the truth!

Yes, people should be free to choose how to spend their life.

Of course people should be encouraged and incentivised to get a job and pay taxes. That's a very different discussion though!

It really isn’t. Your choice of language is dripping with contempt. For someone supposedly happy with their lot, your posts are really surprising.

@pinklavenders

Its really not a different conversation.

Why should 'people' be encouraged and incentivised to get a job and pay taxes but not women?

Why are women allowed to choose what they want to do?

What should I be bitter about?

Contempt means something is viewed as worthless right?

Well, that fits.

I'm not sure how you've got jealous/bitter from dont value it.

Why would I be bitter about something I don't value?

But as long as people refuse to acknowledge that societal norms assume women will be the SAHP (if either parent doesn’t work) and if not a SAHP the primary child carer, the income disparities you describe won’t change. Not that they are sex based - there’s no reason a woman can’t earn in a day what her husband earns in a year.

I also wonder what would have happened had your husband had the same desire to stay home with his children as you did? Would he have been allowed to!?

But as long as people refuse to acknowledge that societal norms assume women will be the SAHP (if either parent doesn’t work) and if not a SAHP the primary child carer, the income disparities you describe won’t change. Not that they are sex based - there’s no reason a woman can’t earn in a day what her husband earns in a year.

Yep. 100% this.

I also wonder what would have happened had your husband had the same desire to stay home with his children as you did? Would he have been allowed to!?

Such an interesting question..

It’s wonderfully ironic isn’t it, considering Topgub’s whole raison d’être on this thread is that she’s working. And yes, Topgub, I’m sure you’ll say you’re on AL or whatever, but you must have a lot of it to spend it like this. You’ve hardly been away from the thread for 2 days.

How much time can a WM spend on the internet before they’re not a WM? No more stupid a question than some I’ve seen on here.

These discussions would be better if posters ‘played the ball not the man’

I think people are assuming if you work then every child is in childcare and I was lucky that this was not the case for us.
Dp worked days and I worked nights we didn't need payed childcare.
We were lucky in that respect

Are you implying you’ve been off work for the last couple of days, commenting on this thread?! IF that’s true, do you seriously not have anything better to do? It seems very sad

Worthless.

Its coming out now isn’t it. Why did you waste time dicking me about for pages of this thread when you could have just said ‘yes, I hold SAHMs in contempt’. That was my whole point and you pissed me about over it. Debating with me whether or not you’d expressed agreement that you were being contemptuous. Twat.

OMG you’ve summed it up perfectly.

Way too late now though

I also wonder what would have happened had your husband had the same desire to stay home with his children as you did? Would he have been allowed to!?

I know this wasn't intended for me but it did make me think.

I have wondered this, and my DH has also said it, he earns/earned a lot more than me and it would have been foolish for him to become the full time parent in our circumstance. I also wanted the role more.... But I do wonder what would have happened if he pushed for it. So, in a way he trapped himself by being the higher earner. But it was the right choice for us, and he always said he was going to work for a break, so he understood.

I have read stories of women doing the same, being the higher earner and feeling that their income was too important to the household to have the option of full time parenting, and it is unfair, and can lead to resentment.

A lot of things have to change in society for men/women to have equal opportunities and pay. Flexibility in the workplace, shorter working hours, accessible child care, education in schools about options available. Also something that wasn't accessible in my day that could help would be part time flexible childcare. Most of what was available was full days or half days, and if you were part time you got bumped down to the bottom of the list. I know friends who had their children in nurseries for more hours than they needed to be there because it was the only way you could get a place.

Working from home seems to be an option that is widening because of the pandemic (I work from home when I feel like it, go in when I don't).

I don’t even know what you’re trying to say.

Perfectly put!

I mean it’s not very ambitious, is it? There’s 1000s of productive things you can do in this world, but instead you just want to cook meals and clean your home? If that was your goal as a child, it seems like gender conditioning frankly. I had ambitions of having a family…but also going to uni and having a career.

What on earth do you think happens to children of SAHP when the other parent is home from work?
My children had both parents when I worked and they have both parents now that I don't. Working parents are good parents too, you of all people should know that.

Haha
YABU leave her alone and focus on yourself, may be have a nice drink or book a massage.
It's not easy being a stay at home patent, you go slightly or very mad and people do disrespect you a lot AND its not easy working full-time because you're juggling.
I've been both.
Don't flame another woman, another mum because you were having shit day.

Why should 'people' be encouraged and incentivised to get a job and pay taxes but not women?

Because every family should contribute to society by working and/or paying taxes.
*
Why are women allowed to choose what they want to do?*

Just like men, women should be free to choose how they want to life their life.

I think it's a recognised term and I don't think she meant anything by it.
Of course you are always a mum wherever you are.
I suppose FT mum just means you are with DC 24/7 365 days of the year. And that's tough work, I did it when DC were small and was sometimes envious if friends that worked as I didn't get a moment to myself, no sick leave, no privacy to go to the loo!
I'm now a working mum and I'm still a mum but I'm not with my DC 24/7 anymore but I wouldn't get offended by a sahm calling themselves at full time mum as I suppose it means they are providing all of the childcare all of the time. It's not about love.
Your friend might be a bit wistful of your London job .
Us mums should be kinder to each other , good luck with your return to work.

Weirdly mums are much more supportive and nicer to each other when kids all teens. It’s the early years that bring out the claws!

Parents of teens are always one conversation away from disaster and we all know that even those with “nice” kids. Much more blitz spirit,