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AIBU?

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Original poster

To say something about DN behavior?

196 replies

MatronicO6 · 31/08/2022 09:04

Have a nephew first grandchild in family so got a lot of attention for himself for a 4 years. He has always been energetic and lively but I am absolutely shocked by his behavior on recent holiday.

Things he has done:
In every restaurant runs around shouting, crawls under table, when finally sitting at table he loudly shouts inappropriate things (mummy farts, daddy has a willy) so whole restaurant can hear. We got some horrified looks from nearby tables whose meal was clearly interrupted

Would refuse to leave playgrounds. Had to go to every playground he saw and then refuse to leave. Basically affecting following plans/dinner reservations etc

New 3 month baby sibling he would demand to be with whatever parent had the baby. So baby would have to be put down. At one point when his mum was breastfeeding at a quiet cafe he banged and screamed at window to get her out.

Destroyed property of Airbnb. Threw games on ground and refused to pick up.

Ignored parents constantly. Every time they asked h to do something he would ignore, pretend he didn't hear or walk away

Despite ordering sausage or burger at every meal when offered at a bbq he suddenly didn't either and demanded mum go get him beans,which she had t drive to a British shop forin Middle of feeding other baby

On top of that found out when he goes to others houses who has a toy he likes he will refuse to leave until he is given said toy.

The whole holiday was a nightmare because of him, every day was just exhausting. And all his mum and dad do is gently tell him he shouldn't do that or this after about ten mins of him throwing stuff. I could go on and on but these are main takeaways from this holiday.

Feel like I need to say something to B and SIL but don't know if it's my place! Would you want to be told or let them get on with it?

OP posts:
Midpmcoffee · 31/08/2022 09:06

It’s not your place
Do not say anything
Do not go on holiday with them again

richcouncilhousetenantfreehouse · 31/08/2022 09:06

You know they know right? Unless they're completely ineffectual? He's 4 and he has a new baby sibling and he was in a strange environment

What will it gain telling them?

Midpmcoffee · 31/08/2022 09:07

You also have a 3month baby according to another thread?

Justanotherwinter · 31/08/2022 09:07

Do you think they don’t know all this already?

SavoirFlair · 31/08/2022 09:08

I would want to be told. But I’m in the minority.

You’ll also get the usual detectives in here who will tell you, who knows your DN, about the additional needs he clearly has.

the question is how you do the telling. If you do it as a laundry list of times when parenting could have been better then they will get their backs up.

if you frame it as a genuine difficulty for yourself which it appears to be, then perhaps you’ll get more airtime

but this is 2022.. People hate being told anything.

SavoirFlair · 31/08/2022 09:09

Justanotherwinter · 31/08/2022 09:07

Do you think they don’t know all this already?

Yeah they know. But they’re wilfully blind to it and happy to inflict their darling DC on everyone else.

They need to be told how it affects others.

NancyJoan · 31/08/2022 09:09

They already know, and obviously think it’s fine. Just decline invitations in the future.

Midpmcoffee · 31/08/2022 09:09

SavoirFlair · 31/08/2022 09:08

I would want to be told. But I’m in the minority.

You’ll also get the usual detectives in here who will tell you, who knows your DN, about the additional needs he clearly has.

the question is how you do the telling. If you do it as a laundry list of times when parenting could have been better then they will get their backs up.

if you frame it as a genuine difficulty for yourself which it appears to be, then perhaps you’ll get more airtime

but this is 2022.. People hate being told anything.

Do you not think you’d be able to see this with your own eyes?

do you have children out of interest?

ManateeFair · 31/08/2022 09:10

It’s not your place to tell them how they parent their child overall, but I would certainly make it clear that you can’t continue to go on holiday / eat out with them while he behaves like this because it’s simply too stressful.

OldEvilOwl · 31/08/2022 09:11

I'm sure they know. I cant see what good pointing it out will do

RudsyFarmer · 31/08/2022 09:11

I’m intrigued what you want them to do? How would you deal with this child?

SavoirFlair · 31/08/2022 09:11

Midpmcoffee · 31/08/2022 09:09

Do you not think you’d be able to see this with your own eyes?

do you have children out of interest?

Show quote history

Oh fgs @Midpmcoffee yes I have two DDs.

I wouldn’t let it get to that stage listed in the OP, but yes - I have had feedback on my eldest DD at times when she was boisterous and I have taken it on board.

It’s part of what used to be called society a long time ago, but now is lost under a sea of defensiveness and “parents know everything there is already to know about their DCs”.

luxxlisbon · 31/08/2022 09:12

A 4 year old doesn’t ruin a holiday, your brother and SIL’s parenting did.

converseandjeans · 31/08/2022 09:12

I don't think you can say much. Were your parents on holiday too? It would be better coming from them.

He does sound like a nightmare. Avoid social situations & holidays with them. I can only see him getting worse tbh.

MolkosTeenageAngst · 31/08/2022 09:13

Well it’s hardly going to come as a surprise to them is it? What would you gain by telling them? Thy can see how their son acts, they either don’t care, they’re happy with the way things are, or they’re trying to change it but struggling. Either way, you pointing out his behaviour isn’t likely to help anyone.

That said, he does sound hard work and not very enjoyable to be around. YWNBU to distance yourself from the, a bit, definitely don’t go on holiday with them again and maybe try and not have to be around him so much.

AvonCallingBarksdale · 31/08/2022 09:13

Why don’t YOU say something to him when he’s running riot, or help a new mum out by entertaining him? Used to drive me mad if DS was playing up when DD was a baby and relatives would sit, pursing lips and raising eyebrows - I used to say, “feel free to step in and give me a hand here!” It takes a village and all that. Or, yeah, tell your SiL what she’s already fully aware of 🙄

TooMuchToDoTooLittleInclination · 31/08/2022 09:14

Midpmcoffee · 31/08/2022 09:07

You also have a 3month baby according to another thread?

And?

ManateeFair · 31/08/2022 09:14

Justanotherwinter · 31/08/2022 09:07

Do you think they don’t know all this already?

They know how he behaves but they clearly don’t know how it affects other people. Some parents just don’t get that just because they think it’s OK for their child to rule their lives, other people won’t want to let him rule theirs too.

JenniferBarkley · 31/08/2022 09:16

You won't gain anything by saying something.

My four year old is pretty good and we're pretty strict, but her behaviour has gone to pot the last few weeks with the lack of structure over the summer. Add in a new sibling, a holiday to a strange place with a big extended family and big expectations on his behaviour like eating out everyday and the child was probably feeling all over the place and overstimulated.

The parents are probably exhausted and embarrassed. They could've been more effectual but he would've just kicked off even more.

Leave them be.

SavoirFlair · 31/08/2022 09:16

AvonCallingBarksdale · 31/08/2022 09:13

Why don’t YOU say something to him when he’s running riot, or help a new mum out by entertaining him? Used to drive me mad if DS was playing up when DD was a baby and relatives would sit, pursing lips and raising eyebrows - I used to say, “feel free to step in and give me a hand here!” It takes a village and all that. Or, yeah, tell your SiL what she’s already fully aware of 🙄

Why is everyone proclaiming loudly that the SiL is “aware”…?

is “awareness” really the issue here? Or is a lack of proactivity and discipline?

I love how I was questioned if I have DC for daring to go against the orthodoxy of “she’s aware, keep your beak out”.

Hugasauras · 31/08/2022 09:18

They were there so they know. What they don't seem to do is care about it. Do you think you saying something will change how they parent? Or will it just inflame the relationship while not changing anything? If the latter then I would stay quiet and just not go away with them again. Perhaps if they asked why I would be honest then along the lines of finding his behaviour difficult, but not offer my thoughts unsolicited.

JenniferBarkley · 31/08/2022 09:20

AvonCallingBarksdale · 31/08/2022 09:13

Why don’t YOU say something to him when he’s running riot, or help a new mum out by entertaining him? Used to drive me mad if DS was playing up when DD was a baby and relatives would sit, pursing lips and raising eyebrows - I used to say, “feel free to step in and give me a hand here!” It takes a village and all that. Or, yeah, tell your SiL what she’s already fully aware of 🙄

This is a good point.

Midpmcoffee · 31/08/2022 09:20

@SavoirFlair

you are the lone voice. Does that make you question your stance?

girlmom21 · 31/08/2022 09:22

Their parenting is more concerning than his behaviour.

TooMuchToDoTooLittleInclination · 31/08/2022 09:22

Maybe they just decided not to spend the whole holiday telling a 4 yo off who is out of routine, being summer, on holiday in unfamiliar territory, unsettled & insecure with HIS parents being 'taken away' by the new & improved model. Maybe they thought ignoring his behaviour was the best idea.

im not saying I agree with them, and I used to get embarrassed going out with my DB & SIL, so I stopped & just went to their house, or my parents etc.

or I took them out by myself & they were much better behaved.

I have no idea what you think you'll gain by 'speaking out'. It'll only cause a row with you being accused of not liking your DN.