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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say something about DN behavior?

196 replies

MatronicO6 · 31/08/2022 09:04

Have a nephew first grandchild in family so got a lot of attention for himself for a 4 years. He has always been energetic and lively but I am absolutely shocked by his behavior on recent holiday.

Things he has done:
In every restaurant runs around shouting, crawls under table, when finally sitting at table he loudly shouts inappropriate things (mummy farts, daddy has a willy) so whole restaurant can hear. We got some horrified looks from nearby tables whose meal was clearly interrupted

Would refuse to leave playgrounds. Had to go to every playground he saw and then refuse to leave. Basically affecting following plans/dinner reservations etc

New 3 month baby sibling he would demand to be with whatever parent had the baby. So baby would have to be put down. At one point when his mum was breastfeeding at a quiet cafe he banged and screamed at window to get her out.

Destroyed property of Airbnb. Threw games on ground and refused to pick up.

Ignored parents constantly. Every time they asked h to do something he would ignore, pretend he didn't hear or walk away

Despite ordering sausage or burger at every meal when offered at a bbq he suddenly didn't either and demanded mum go get him beans,which she had t drive to a British shop forin Middle of feeding other baby

On top of that found out when he goes to others houses who has a toy he likes he will refuse to leave until he is given said toy.

The whole holiday was a nightmare because of him, every day was just exhausting. And all his mum and dad do is gently tell him he shouldn't do that or this after about ten mins of him throwing stuff. I could go on and on but these are main takeaways from this holiday.

Feel like I need to say something to B and SIL but don't know if it's my place! Would you want to be told or let them get on with it?

OP posts:
Cupofteaonesugar · 31/08/2022 11:05

Please don't say anything OP.
The parents will be aware of the behaviour whether they admit it or not.
Someone else chiming in will make them feel horrendous. It must've been so stressful for them as parents.
You saying soemthing is only going to make them feel worse and it won't change the child's struggles.

greywinds · 31/08/2022 11:06

What's more likely is the complete estrangement of your DB and his family, or fights between DB and SIL and a bad air hanging over family things. You should think of the relationship health of your long term family - judging people at their lowest isn't going to do anything positive.

DN is 4, either it'll get better naturally or he'll get a SN diagnosis at some stage and they'll give up dragging him out for disapproval.

greywinds · 31/08/2022 11:08

Ps giving them some colouring books/games isn't what I meant by a proper positive relationship and distracting. Maybe DN needed to go for a walk outside with actual attention, not be forced to sit and behave.

AnuSTart · 31/08/2022 11:09

My best friend's kids were just like this and I said something when finally I'd had enough. We didn't speak for a couple of years. It was awful.
She realises now but at the time she seemed (and was) quite oblivious.
By all means say something about this brat but accept that you may not come back from it. Also avoid going out with them again.

greywinds · 31/08/2022 11:10

Op has already said something, several times by the sound of it.

greywinds · 31/08/2022 11:14

Wow so those with anxiety and mh issues have been pandered to by their parents. Just wow.

BogRollBOGOF · 31/08/2022 11:16

I've got friends where we can mutually intervene with each others' children, but we were always on a similar wave length.

You usually know when someone is going to be receptive to parenting feedback, and if they're not it's a waste of time and only going to cause tension.

So many times I've heard "you can't tell me what to do, you're not my mum" and that always backfires. Children grow up, they have to cope in schools, extra curriculars, then later in workplaces. Society has expectations boundaries (like the restaurant) and excessively indulging and failing to set out clear expectations fails the child and it rarely has happy outcomes for a parent who ends up with an older, poorly controlled child. I've seen a lot of children abruptly leave youth groups weeks after they were pulled up on low-level behaviour because they/ their parents just don't deal with criticism.

I certainly don't have angel children, one has sensory issues/ SNs and I've done more than my fair share of actively parenting him- tbh if he's struggling in a restaurant, I'm not going to enjoy lingering anyway. There's no point in liberally sharing his unhappiness with everyone else in the room! (He generally behaves well in settings with clear boundaries)

But where a parent doesn't want to address their child's behaviour, it's very difficult to get any productive response from them, and not worth the aggro of mentioning it directly. About the most you can do is suggest adjusting a meet-up so it is more child friendly (e.g. picnic rather than eating in)

greywinds · 31/08/2022 11:16

Can you not see that the SIL went to get the beans because if her DN had the tantrum and didn't eat you'd all have hiked your judgement up even further?

This dynamic is all bad for all of you.

Creepymanonagoatfarm · 31/08/2022 11:19

If he starts school soon they won't accept that sort of behaviour - so let them call the dps out on their feral offspring..

girlmom21 · 31/08/2022 11:19

greywinds · 31/08/2022 11:16

Can you not see that the SIL went to get the beans because if her DN had the tantrum and didn't eat you'd all have hiked your judgement up even further?

This dynamic is all bad for all of you.

It's clearly a behaviour that's been developed over time though.

saraclara · 31/08/2022 11:23

There are obviously quite a lot of people on here with poorly behaved children if all they want to focus on is OP 'being judgy'. I bet everyone in that restaurant and in the park was judgy too.

OP has tried to help but as it's a SIL, I imagine that she's treading on eggshells. She's simply asking here if she should do more and how.

midgetastic · 31/08/2022 11:25

Take it as read that she isn't happy with the child behaviour , understand that it's tricky with the new baby as well and ask her how you can best help
Does she need techniques to help , does she want you to be evil aunty...

greywinds · 31/08/2022 11:28

She isn't asking if she should do more she's asking if she should say more. Not really the same.

No, no poorly behaved kids here mine are constantly reported as angels in school and by family.

I do understand a toxic and unhelpful dynamic when I see it though.

AryaStarkWolf · 31/08/2022 11:28

I wouldn't bother, they'll just defensive because their parenting is shit. Just don't go away with them anymore (or at least till he's older and is better behaved (hopefully)

shazzybazzy34 · 31/08/2022 11:30

greywinds · 31/08/2022 11:28

She isn't asking if she should do more she's asking if she should say more. Not really the same.

No, no poorly behaved kids here mine are constantly reported as angels in school and by family.

I do understand a toxic and unhelpful dynamic when I see it though.

No, no poorly behaved kids here mine are constantly reported as angels in school and by family

Have you any idea how wanky you sound?

greywinds · 31/08/2022 11:33

About as wanky as people wanting the op to go after a new mum with helpful criticism?

Sunbun19 · 31/08/2022 11:35

MatronicO6 · 31/08/2022 10:02

Actually 4 month old now. Her and other baby were good as gold

Show quote history

That's because they're babies, they can't really misbehave can they

Brefugee · 31/08/2022 11:35

telling them won't help. They know. And either they are useless in which case it won't have any effect. Or they are trying and it won't have any effect.

Just avoid them. Frankly, i refuse to be around children like that now, whoever they are.

waterrat · 31/08/2022 11:37

Dear god they are exhausted parents with a 3 month old - cut them some slack. The first year of having a baby and toddler was one of the worst of my life

girlmom21 · 31/08/2022 11:37

waterrat · 31/08/2022 11:37

Dear god they are exhausted parents with a 3 month old - cut them some slack. The first year of having a baby and toddler was one of the worst of my life

She said the older ones behaviour was shit before the baby was conceived.

greywinds · 31/08/2022 11:38

When the DN would've been what, 2-3? Well known behaviour high point for all kids.

Meraas · 31/08/2022 11:40

first grandchild in family so got a lot of attention for himself for a 4 years

It sounds like you’re annoyed that your own baby is not getting any attention.

You knew what DN was like, so why on earth did you go on holiday with them?

Brefugee · 31/08/2022 11:42

how did we get to this place in society where no one, not even relatives, can ever help someone else to be better or to recognise a potential issue?

yeah, it's exhausting. But i agree with PP that it may be a good idea to point out that this child is going to get a rude awakening at school.

FWIW at that age i used to say something to my sibling's children if they behaved badly. And if it didn't stop i often just left whatever we were doing because i get that children sometimes play up - but if the parents aren't working on it? meh. Life's too short.

saraclara · 31/08/2022 11:44

Most people are very understanding of toddler behaviour, providing that the parents are proactive and try to mitigate its affect on others. We're all been there.

But that is not what OP is describing, and in real life pretty much everyone who's on this thread would be frustrated had they been in the OP's position or one of the people in that restaurant, because the parents WEREN'T trying to manage him and mitigate the problem.

SunnyD44 · 31/08/2022 11:45

I would be very careful about questioning peoples parenting as it never goes down well!

My DD is an angel and I always try and reflect on my parenting but my sister said that my DD shouldn’t have a PC in her room as she’s on it too often and I got really defensive! Which is very unlike me.

Some of the things you say are a normal child but some of it sounds like he’s very spoilt.

I wonder if when they got pregnant with the new baby they felt guilty so let him do what he wants.

At the restaurant I would have absolutely said something but the other times I wouldn’t have.

The park is just ridiculous they should have picked him up screaming and crying if necessary.
And putting the baby down to pick him up is very silly.