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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say something about DN behavior?

196 replies

MatronicO6 · 31/08/2022 09:04

Have a nephew first grandchild in family so got a lot of attention for himself for a 4 years. He has always been energetic and lively but I am absolutely shocked by his behavior on recent holiday.

Things he has done:
In every restaurant runs around shouting, crawls under table, when finally sitting at table he loudly shouts inappropriate things (mummy farts, daddy has a willy) so whole restaurant can hear. We got some horrified looks from nearby tables whose meal was clearly interrupted

Would refuse to leave playgrounds. Had to go to every playground he saw and then refuse to leave. Basically affecting following plans/dinner reservations etc

New 3 month baby sibling he would demand to be with whatever parent had the baby. So baby would have to be put down. At one point when his mum was breastfeeding at a quiet cafe he banged and screamed at window to get her out.

Destroyed property of Airbnb. Threw games on ground and refused to pick up.

Ignored parents constantly. Every time they asked h to do something he would ignore, pretend he didn't hear or walk away

Despite ordering sausage or burger at every meal when offered at a bbq he suddenly didn't either and demanded mum go get him beans,which she had t drive to a British shop forin Middle of feeding other baby

On top of that found out when he goes to others houses who has a toy he likes he will refuse to leave until he is given said toy.

The whole holiday was a nightmare because of him, every day was just exhausting. And all his mum and dad do is gently tell him he shouldn't do that or this after about ten mins of him throwing stuff. I could go on and on but these are main takeaways from this holiday.

Feel like I need to say something to B and SIL but don't know if it's my place! Would you want to be told or let them get on with it?

OP posts:
greywinds · 31/08/2022 10:15

You know when they say it takes a village to raise a child? That's not a village of adults sitting back and judging other parents in their family.

Original poster
MatronicO6 · 31/08/2022 10:17

greywinds · 31/08/2022 10:07

You don't see what having a new baby sibling has to do with his behaviour, and you all told him off and made your disapproval clear but didn't distract, or actively help?

You and the rest of the family are part of the problem. I wouldn't mind an engaged adult correcting my child but someone just telling them off without offering anything positive would certainly not be met well by most people.

First of all the behavior started before baby was born, even before baby was on way. Didn't mention other behavior as it wasn't on holiday and think it is too outing.

We did plenty of distracting actually bought him activity books, games to play at table. Didn't matter, demanded mum or dad and ended up ripping up or destroying things.

Also pretty hard to babysit him when we have our own baby to prioritise!!! BTW new baby didn't get a look in as so much attention was on him.

OP posts:
Midpmcoffee · 31/08/2022 10:17

Why don’t you just not go on holiday with them again?

are you close to them? Any other issues?

sparepantsandtoothbrush · 31/08/2022 10:18

greywinds · 31/08/2022 10:15

You know when they say it takes a village to raise a child? That's not a village of adults sitting back and judging other parents in their family.

Well that's why the OP is asking whether she should say something so clearly she does know that

And what's with all the detectives thinking it's strange OP and her sibling had babies at the same time? Both of my DC have cousins the same age as them, its hardly unusual

GhostFromTheOtherSide · 31/08/2022 10:20

Thing is that we live in a society where a brat is either considered spirited or must have SN.

While you might not necessarily say something to the parents, the reality is that we have got to a point in society where children are not allowed to be corrected, not allowed to lose, not allowed to be upset in any way shape or form and that is setting them up for a terrible adulthood.

We have a generation of children who have never been expected to accept being told no, and those children are in for a hell of a shock wen they grow up and enter the real world.

People are telling the OP that she and her family should be responsible for stepping in, so god forbid that the parents be seen as in the wrong for refusing to parent their bratty child, no, it’s all the family’s fault for not stepping in.

But here’s the thing: in a few months that child will be starting school. And his behaviour will see him isolated by other parents. He won’t be invited to parties, sleepovers, parents will want their children to avoid him because of his behaviour. And then it will be those children and parents who get the blame as opposed to the parents who have refused to parent the child in the first place.

I wouldn’t suggest they parent their child differently, but if they invite you out again I would say no, and would say that it’s because of their child.

orangeisthenewpuce · 31/08/2022 10:20

I'd have said something on the holiday. Many times. Refused to leave the park? He's 4. Why didn't they just pick him up and remove him that way.

Peashoots · 31/08/2022 10:24

I’d have said something in the restaurant. Honestly I’d have probably left through embarrassment. At this point op I don’t really see the benefit of saying anything, but I wouldn’t be going on holidays with them again. Sounds an absolute nightmare.

HMReturnsBag · 31/08/2022 10:26

Pretty sure they already know and either:

a) DGAF; or
b) (more likely) care very much but are trying to minimise the impact on others by avoiding outright confrontations and instead adopting a low-key approach while on holiday with you. Not sure that this is the right approach but it can be difficult trying to discipline children with an audience of people who are already pissed off at the disruption.

So, I wouldn't say anything- what would it achieve? If it bothers you, don't go on holiday with them again.

Original poster
MatronicO6 · 31/08/2022 10:27

orangeisthenewpuce · 31/08/2022 10:20

I'd have said something on the holiday. Many times. Refused to leave the park? He's 4. Why didn't they just pick him up and remove him that way.

I don't know why they didn't pick him up and put him in car. We ended up leaving playground as we said we weren't waiting.

OP posts:
zingally · 31/08/2022 10:27

He sounds a brat. But he's been made into a brat by weak and ineffectual parenting.
I'd give a lot of grace for a new sibling on the scene. But it sounds like more than that.

As for him stopping plans like dinner reservations because he won't leave a playground? How many adults are standing around waiting for him? Leave him there with his parents, and the rest of you carry on! "We're going to miss the dinner reservation if we don't leave now. We'll go and get started."

As bratty as he sounds, he's not really your problem.

Mummyoflittledragon · 31/08/2022 10:28

I’d perhaps leave it a couple of weeks and ask how he’s settling in at school then see if you can talk about his behaviour in this context. Maybe your brother / sil will tell you they’re glad to have space for the baby now. This sort of approach will be easier to lead the conversation to saying you’ve noticed him acting out now he has a sibling… I note you say it was happening beforehand but you need to pick your battles so to speak.

If they don’t sort it out over the next year, you ask if they aren’t concerned his being naughty at school affecting friendships as he could get a reputation.

As for your comment that the babies were good as gold, I don’t understand. They’re babies and have no concept of their behaviour and that of others. It sounds like your dn need some guidance and parenting.

Neverendingdust · 31/08/2022 10:29

He sounds horrendous. I’d tell them out of embarrassment for myself, but be prepared for them to have a whole list of excuses and get of jail cards at the ready.

Don’t go on holiday with them again is my best advice and just hope he doesn’t grow up to be a vile kid you have to endure every time you see them.

SleeplessInEngland · 31/08/2022 10:29

Telling the parents will achieve fuck all. Just don't socialise with them in public places like restaurants. If he wants to trash the place he can do it to his own home while you're visiting.

SalviaOfficinalis · 31/08/2022 10:30

His parents behaviour sounds horrendous.

If you did say something, what would you be planning to say? And would it be to DB, SIL or both?

AnnieDav · 31/08/2022 10:31

One of my friends takes a very extreme gentle parenting approach and her DS’s behaviour is similar to the above. He has no additional needs, just absolutely no clear boundaries and is ‘allowed’ to feel all his feelings and wants loudly and without question. It is exhausting to be around. But it’s her choice to raise him like that and not my business so I now just minimise the time I spend with them.

(I have children of my own and work with children so I am not a child hating monster with no empathy!)

debwong · 31/08/2022 10:34

YABU for spelling "behaviour" wrongly so many times

Midpmcoffee · 31/08/2022 10:34

I really would be interested to know how your relationship is with your brother and SIL otherwise.

MzHz · 31/08/2022 10:37

They’re crap ineffective parents. Don’t holiday or spend time with them with kids again. It’s that simple.

if they ask, tell them. They won’t ask because they know.

I hate parents like these

shedwithivy · 31/08/2022 10:38

I think if you say something it will just cause a falling out and they will just see it as you not knowing what you are talking about as your baby is still tiny and you haven't experienced the toddler/preschooler/juggling 2 stage.

I suspect they are ready for a holiday themselves but are finding that holidays with kids are actually harder than at home in some ways, especially with newborn and jealous older sib playing up for attention.

It doesn't excuse not having better control of him, but it is difficult trying to tailor a holiday around out-of-routine children and the things adults want to do such as meals in restaurants.

Probably best to rethink going away with them again until kids are older, or try to plan days which avoid the issue and enables everyone to relax - eg picnic in a park rather than park before restaurant.

Lullabies2Paralyze · 31/08/2022 10:38

My auntie told me off for various things as a child (nothing as extreme as this child sounds, more just stuff I’d say without thinking). We have a good relationship still.

your nephew is still family and if his parents aren’t going to do anything then if I were you I would. Then it might draw attention to his parents that it’s not acceptable and they might start trying to reign him in a bit

Mumspair1 · 31/08/2022 10:42

RudsyFarmer · 31/08/2022 09:11

I’m intrigued what you want them to do? How would you deal with this child?

Don't bloody drive to get him beans, he eats what he's always eaten or has a yoghurt.
Let him tantrum when he doesn't get his way and ignore him. When he shouts inappropriate things, firmly tell him to stop and If he doesn't then pick him up and remove him from the restaurant. You know, basic parenting. Not wishy washy please stop darling hehehe.

WhatNoRaisins · 31/08/2022 10:53

I get that 4 year olds misbehave but it sounds like he rules the roost with the adults pandering to him. Not taking him out of parks when everyone is supposed to be getting dinner is ridiculous.

Letting a 4 year old rule the roost is like letting a 4 year old drive the car, it sounds like fun but it's actually very scary for them to have that sort of control at such a young age.

shazzybazzy34 · 31/08/2022 10:56

GhostFromTheOtherSide · 31/08/2022 10:20

Thing is that we live in a society where a brat is either considered spirited or must have SN.

While you might not necessarily say something to the parents, the reality is that we have got to a point in society where children are not allowed to be corrected, not allowed to lose, not allowed to be upset in any way shape or form and that is setting them up for a terrible adulthood.

We have a generation of children who have never been expected to accept being told no, and those children are in for a hell of a shock wen they grow up and enter the real world.

People are telling the OP that she and her family should be responsible for stepping in, so god forbid that the parents be seen as in the wrong for refusing to parent their bratty child, no, it’s all the family’s fault for not stepping in.

But here’s the thing: in a few months that child will be starting school. And his behaviour will see him isolated by other parents. He won’t be invited to parties, sleepovers, parents will want their children to avoid him because of his behaviour. And then it will be those children and parents who get the blame as opposed to the parents who have refused to parent the child in the first place.

I wouldn’t suggest they parent their child differently, but if they invite you out again I would say no, and would say that it’s because of their child.

This!

Mumspair1 · 31/08/2022 11:04

GhostFromTheOtherSide · 31/08/2022 10:20

Thing is that we live in a society where a brat is either considered spirited or must have SN.

While you might not necessarily say something to the parents, the reality is that we have got to a point in society where children are not allowed to be corrected, not allowed to lose, not allowed to be upset in any way shape or form and that is setting them up for a terrible adulthood.

We have a generation of children who have never been expected to accept being told no, and those children are in for a hell of a shock wen they grow up and enter the real world.

People are telling the OP that she and her family should be responsible for stepping in, so god forbid that the parents be seen as in the wrong for refusing to parent their bratty child, no, it’s all the family’s fault for not stepping in.

But here’s the thing: in a few months that child will be starting school. And his behaviour will see him isolated by other parents. He won’t be invited to parties, sleepovers, parents will want their children to avoid him because of his behaviour. And then it will be those children and parents who get the blame as opposed to the parents who have refused to parent the child in the first place.

I wouldn’t suggest they parent their child differently, but if they invite you out again I would say no, and would say that it’s because of their child.

Absolutely this. Also these children who are pondered to and rule their homes grow up to be ineffectual adults, the ones who can't come with anything and end up with a range of 'anxiety and mh issues'. I would just not go out with them again. He sounds like an absolute brat and really unpleasant to be around.

greywinds · 31/08/2022 11:04

Do you feel great @MatronicO6 that so many people are going on about what dreadful parents they are - what have you achieved here?

So you get a pass from distracting because you too have a baby, but it's ok to judge then because the behaviour happened pre baby.

I don't know what you're trying to achieve - don't go on holiday with them, none of you is enjoying it and you aren't going to fix a thing by heaping on disapproval.