Husband furious after grocery shopping

[HolyCow83]

DH and myself take in turns to cook evening meal for ourselves, me 4 days a week him 3 days. Im on mat leave right now. We have 2 small kids, I make their food most evenings.
i do grocery shopping online most weeks. DH does not like this as thinks i am controlling and he doesn’t know what to cook if he didn’t do the shop. We have a grocery list and each can write something when we need it.

This week he requested to do the shop (at the actual shop) when we needed it. He agreed to go tonight. I went for a run and he fed the kids, as I do once a week. When I came home he did bath time, put toddler to bed and I put baby to bed. Then he went and did shop, for 2h. At 10pm I’m hungry so make pasta and eat although it’s his turn to cook. 10.30pm he comes home and I help put things away (I’m tired, this is pretty much bedtime). I notice he’s bought reduced fat coconut milk and just ask him not to take offence but that he gets full fat in future as it’s just not as good. He goes crazy yelling waking up the baby, throwing yoghurt on the floor saying I’m controlling and he “can’t stand it anymore”. I do not get it. I didn’t ask him to shop at night time. I usually do kids dinner it’s just tonight he did it. He always gets in such a crazy stress these days. Aibu?

Does he usually react like this when he’s stressed or upset?

He chose to go it late at night and sick about doing grocery shopping. It was his choice instead of letting OP get on with ordering everything off the shopping list online. Or doing and online shop himself.

he’s not doing an amazing wonderful job, he’s doing a late night shop and demanding OP spend two hours on the phone with him telling him what groceries to buy! He didn’t come home do all the ‘donkey work’ and then have to go do a grocery shop being a wonderful husband.

it was his choice to do the household chores that way.

OP pointing out the light coconut milk is not nice to cook with wasn’t wrong or offensive.

The husband is being a dick. When DH goes shopping I expect a text sometimes to double check if they don’t have an item from the list in stock but I do not expect to be subject to a video call talking him through what he shoul buy.

I’d have had my dinner and climbed into bed by 10pm when I had a newborn and toddler to tend to. The night wakings with a newborn was enough that I needed food earlier and as much as sleep as possible whilst the baby let me.

the husband sounds like the controlling one and an utter arsehole.

@itsgettingweird they have one grocery list they each add their things to it.

The husband wants to go grocery shopping in person. Who knows why!

@Blackheath95 - with some toddlers you get a window of opportunity to get them off to bed and peacefully asleep. Maybe the toddler gets fractious if bedtime gets moved too far back? Sometimes that window is a short one.

........
How did he manage to spend two hours doing a grocery shop? I'd like to know what was on the list.

I'm not necessarily suggesting a sexual affair, but emotional affairs can result in the same hostility toward the spouse and generate the same sort of narrative that emerges in a fully-fledged affair.

He is completely in the wrong throwing a tantrum and shouting at you , disrespectful
You gave him a tip about coconut milk , so effing what??? His reaction is way over the top.

My ex would call me "controlling" or "bossy" but let me give you some examples of the things i would say ..

.Can you not wear your dirty trainers on the cream carpet (spoiler he didnt listen and stepped in dog poo twice, leaving me to clean up)

.Can you flush the toilet, you keep forgetting your poo in there

.Can you not give our 4 yr old dd hard boiled sweets, especially in the moving car

.You need to put dds seat belt on properly and not just around her waist because it can kill her (he still ignores this)

I can go on but do you get the picture?
He sees it as nagging but its really his behaviour that is the problem

Alot of men do this actually, a way to put down a woman is to say shes nagging, controlling or a bxtch, even when what she says is right.

He sounds narcissistic too, they always feel like you're attacking them because they are so fragile
i bet he was expecting you to kiss his feet when he fed and put the kids to bed , did a little grocery shop , maybe he was expecting a parade?

We’ve only one side of this and I tend to go just off first post on any thread as any follow up post tend to be drip feed to get thing to go OP way when people don’t agree

both post you’ve done sounds like you micro manage and pick fault with him

we all do things differently it’s all about compromise
the guy had put a fair shift in that day and picking fault at 10.30 think it would piss anyone off

He was out grocery shopping till 10:30pm through his own choice. He could have shopped online.

he put one child to bed OP put the baby to bed and the dickhead husband subsequently woke baby with his shouting and throwing things about.

why is it if a man does anything in his own household with his own children it’s a huge big deal. OP feeds and outs the kids to bed usually.

Bet she doesn’t dick about going out shopping for two hours on nights she is meant to be cooking to make a big song and dance about how much she does and how liberating she finds traipsing around tescos at 10pm making her husband wait for his dinner and talk him through what she should buy.

if he wants to shop in person why does he need to video call you through it, why isn’t he capable of doing a shop and taking a list so he doesn’t miss anything out?

does he usually look for reasons to have an argument?

He reacted badly but I think he sounds like he does loads in the house more than must men

I remember your last thread
www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4618000-husband-always-puts-dd-to-bed-late

Honestly i think you are controlling and he just snapped. It was suddenly too much for him.
He should have not shout, but you need to sit down and solve the way you are micromanaging everything.

This relationship sounds utterly joyless at every turn. Regimented split of all chores, constant disagreements, nitpicking, micro management of each other, walking on eggshells. I get that the hardest times are when you have babies and toddlers and daily life is exhausting and draining, my relationship didn't survive those years. You need to look at why things are getting to this stage and make some changes or one (or both) of you will reach the point of no return.

OK ladies, let's be fair here.

1. Who has not gone over the top and acted irrationally when tired, hungry, and stressed out?
2. You don't know her, maybe she IS a controlling nags, or is critical, and the coconut milk was the. last. straw.

I can assure you my ex-husband wouldn't have fed the children and then spent hours grocery shopping, ESPECIALLY if I were off on mat, nor would he have been participating in chores. Rather than picking on him or correcting him unnecessarily, I'd be loving him up and thanking God for husband that was at least trying.

I have a friend like that, she also non stop moans about him to me. He got up with the toddler but the play was too noisy, he took the toddler out but not for long enough, he did breakfast but wrong cereal.

Agree more going on than coconut milk.

I think he did quite a bit going to work, feeding DC, bedtime and then food shopping?

Is that less than a woman would do?

He goes crazy yelling waking up the baby, throwing yoghurt on the floor

I felt like he was going to hit me

These are the most worrying bits, because he will likely escalate it from here. If he gets away with shouting at you and being aggressive enough for you to feel like he was going to hit you, then he will do it again.

Tell him coldly and calmly this morning that if he ever does this again then you will be calling the police.

There's something not quite right here, it sounds like the husband reached the end of his tether and exploded.

If I was in his shoes, I'd fed the kids etc whilst DH went running and then went shopping whilst he cooked something for himself and then when I got back he started nitpicking what is brought, the police wouldn't find his body.

I don't know why some posters are struggling to comprehend that he took two hours to do shopping, I can easily take that look if I'm having a mooch and OP has said that he video called her whilst he was shopping so he wasn't fucking a colleague.

He might be having an affair, he might not but nobody knows, I know that if my DH behaved like OP I would be daydreaming about leaving him.

DH used to work evenings for extra money when I was on mat leave, feed the baby whilst doing the story.

OP had already cooked for the dc. And he didn’t need to go food shopping or 2 hours, he could have just left OP to order it online and added to the list.

It’s also very telling that OP stayed up past her bedtime to help him put shopping away, and likely linked to her point that it’s just not good enough if she’s not hugely appreciative.

Reading OPs other posts @phishy, I don't think she has a tough life...

Toddler goes to childminder, she's whinging that her DH takes half an hour to long to do bedtime, he doesn't finish work until 7, does bedtime straight away.

I think it's very telling the amount of control she wants over his actions?

Some people prefer to shop in person? It's clear that what OP wants trumps what her DH wants? If he'd have put reduced fat coconut milk on the shopping list, you reckon he would r got it? I doubt it.

He shouldn't have thrown food, shouted, but OP sounds like she nit picks a lot.

OP I got half way through your first post and thought oh the poor husband he is being micro managed and controlled. Then I seen that you were the poster losing your shit because he put the child to bed half an hour later.

You appear oblivious to your behaviour and actions towards your husband. Do you have anxiety? I strongly suggest that you get help from your gp and counselling. Your husband shouldn't have acted in that manner but I can completely understand why he did. He went to get a food shop to get away from the house and situation.

Just because you have children doesn't mean life runs to a ridged timescale, one that you dictate. Honestly you are pushing him away. If he leaves you and has access to the kids there is no way you could handle that because you would have no say or control.

I honestly feel really sorry for your husband because nothing he does is ever good enough for you and the minute he steps out of your way of doing things, you run to mumsnet and paint him out to be a monster.

Honestly just leave him and let him find someone who appreciates and loves him faults and all.

The coconut milk was the straw that broke the camel's back for him.

I am surprised how many people are so quick to judge… yes, it wasn’t nice of him to throw yogurt on the floor and yell but sounds like it was that straw that broke camels back. And it doesn’t necessarily mean that it was all about your relationship , he could have had had a stressful day when lots of things happened - work, tiredness, something else, a very long shop might suggest he got frustrated there, and then he exploded…. We all do it sometimes.

in terms of you being controlling, it does sound that there might be an issue there but everything else in your relationship seem to point that it’s a fairly good partnership- you take turn to cook, both look after children. Sounds good to me.

This isn't sbout the shopping. It sounds like the straw that broke the camels back though.

I’ve just read the other thread, and it sounds like OP thinks her 4yo dd is tired as she goes to bed too late (8pm) and has dropped her naps.

I think if dd was getting enough sleep when going to bed at 8 then it wouldn’t be an issue.

It’s not control to not want your child to be tired. That doesn’t mean she doesn’t realise how important it is for DH to do bedtime and spend time with his dd.

Of course he can shop in person, but it was his choice to shop in person, OP didn’t tell him to do it.

And why wouldn’t OP order reduced fat coconut milk if DH wanted it for his own recipes? She says he can add to the shopping list so what makes you think she wouldn’t buy it if he asked for it?

I think it is hard to know what is going on from snapshots.

If the OP feels in danger from violence or any abuse then that is very serious.
Having two young kids is stressful, for SAHP, part time working parents, full time working parents.
You were both tired.
I can't imagine putting away groceries at 10.30 pm.
If my OH came home with shopping at that time he would find me asleep in bed.

It sounds like a person at the end of his tether, sick of being told what to do and exactly how he should do it and then have somebody nitpicking and any small choice he has made is criticised.

It is even more telling on the other thread, he gets in from work at 7pm, immediately starts bedtime and OP is aggrieved that he reads an extra story and isn’t finished by 7:30pm. Her way is the only right way.

Perhaps you should order the groceries you need and he can go out to shop for his nights as a short term solution. Marriage counselling in the longer term sounds like it might be a good idea.