Husband furious after grocery shopping

[HolyCow83]

DH and myself take in turns to cook evening meal for ourselves, me 4 days a week him 3 days. Im on mat leave right now. We have 2 small kids, I make their food most evenings.
i do grocery shopping online most weeks. DH does not like this as thinks i am controlling and he doesn’t know what to cook if he didn’t do the shop. We have a grocery list and each can write something when we need it.

This week he requested to do the shop (at the actual shop) when we needed it. He agreed to go tonight. I went for a run and he fed the kids, as I do once a week. When I came home he did bath time, put toddler to bed and I put baby to bed. Then he went and did shop, for 2h. At 10pm I’m hungry so make pasta and eat although it’s his turn to cook. 10.30pm he comes home and I help put things away (I’m tired, this is pretty much bedtime). I notice he’s bought reduced fat coconut milk and just ask him not to take offence but that he gets full fat in future as it’s just not as good. He goes crazy yelling waking up the baby, throwing yoghurt on the floor saying I’m controlling and he “can’t stand it anymore”. I do not get it. I didn’t ask him to shop at night time. I usually do kids dinner it’s just tonight he did it. He always gets in such a crazy stress these days. Aibu?

perhaps the recipe he intends to try specifies low fat coconut milk? Why not give it a whirl and see how it turns out.

I would be peeved if we were taking turns and DH was micro managing my purchases for my recipes...

Well I prefer lighter coconut milk.
I also feel if I had done all that and my husband said that to me, I would have been cross too. Maybe his reaction wasn't great but pick your battles.

Definitely more context needed. You need to talk to him about why he feels ‘controlled.’ I mean I’d do bloody cartwheels if I didn’t have to do the shopping every week but not if it was the symbol of some kind of power struggle in my relationship.

Also would really recommend picking your battles. Why nitpick over coconut milk for goodness sake??

@HolyCow83 do you want to leave him?

shoe on the other foot what would you say if he helped you unpack and critiqued your choices?

Tbf in the coconut milk situation, I'd have either said "sorry, I didn't realise the full-fat was better" or "Oh, I bought it to try and be a bit more healthy, if it's really so bad then maybe I won't get it again, I'll see if I like it".

But then if there is a usual list of things we buy and full-fat coconut milk is one of the regular items or it is specified full-fat, then I would buy the full-fat. If I were going to randomly decide to buy low-fat for the household, then I would tell my partner first before I went shopping "oh, I thought we could try half-fat?". I wouldn't just decide to change the list.

Also I don't think he needs praise for "doing all that". He could have done an online shop like OP, he was the one who decided he needed to go the shops and so late as well!

I don’t plan to leave him I just don’t know how to cope with the shouting, I really don’t.

Wow. He’s done all that with the kids and is knackered and stressed and possibly fed up. Tables turned, I wonder what we would be all saying about him. He chose a stupid time to go food shopping before eating.
talk to him. Somethings tipped him over the edge and it isn’t milk!

He has to stop shouting how loud was he that he woke a sleeping child ffs?

Low fat coconut milk is shite to cook with

Op
If it's his turn to shop and cook just leave him to it ?

I had this and I bloody hated it - my dp didn't like me on line shopping and he would huff and puff over everything that got delivered- even when it was my turn to shop and cook . It drove me mad . Ok I didn't Chuck a yoghurt but I did leave him . The treading on egg shells , the not doing anything right in his eyes - how do you know he didn't just kick up the wrong tin ? I did this last week with salad and and just got the wrong one - didn't notice till I was putting it away .

If it's his turn - leave him to it and do t micromanage. Tbf this micromanaging behaviour from my ex drove me insane .

My DH is the same. Loses it if over the tiniest thing, then says I’m nagging / controlling / winding him up. When all I did was make a suggestion / comment / ask for something to be done. Like he can do with me, anytime. And I don’t lose my shit? He is unable to actually discuss / have a two-way conversation. Always has to get the wrong end of the stick!
It when you said to him “don’t take any offence, but...” that I knew it was a familiar situation. I often find myself saying the same, as I know he’ll do exactly that... It’s extremely difficult to live with, OP. Especially the shouting in front of the kids. It’s always worse when I take any “me time” (usually when I’m sick) as he has to look after DS & gets stressed.

The daft you say "he requested to do the shop" kind of says something tbh . Does he have to ask permission?

The fact *

Why can't you put both children to bed while he goes shopping?

There’s more to this than just coconut milk op. What’s the back story? You guys need to talk about what’s really going on here.

You are both unreasonable (you for nitpicking at a silly time, he for tantruming). But be kind to yourselves a baby and a toddler is fucking hard work for everyone.
It's relentless and exhausting, boring and unrewarding. The relationship suffers so much from the imbalance and everyone feels hard done by

Try and find a way to spent some regular time just the two of you. Get a babysitter or babysit swap with someone else with kids. It's so so important. Go for walks together or to the pub. Do it every week.
When he calms down wait until it's a good time and apologes for the comment but say you don't want to ever get to the point where he reacts like that again.

So where was he? Because he wasn't at the shop for two fucking hours.

@stillvicarinatutu Well basically if he didn’t ask the I would just do it online as normal. I just do it online because otherwise we run out of food

@Aquamarine1029 Ha yep I’m afraid he was! Videoing me and asking me if we’d run out of items etc. Believe me neither of us have energy for an affair 😂😂

Also definitely get so that you both can put the kids together at the same time. It's completely possible and will free up time. If you are still breastfeeding then annoyingly only you can do it until that stopped but DH can clear up or cook for the following day. I had 3 under 3 and managed to get them all to bed together (DH worked most evenings for years.)

I can easily spend 2 hours on a weekly shop, that’s the reason I do online.

Sounds like you need to let go a little and he needs to behave better. when was the last time you both did something you liked? Does he get an evening when you do the baby and the toddler so he can go out for a bit?

@HelloBunny Yup this sounds similar :-/