Husband furious after grocery shopping

[HolyCow83]

DH and myself take in turns to cook evening meal for ourselves, me 4 days a week him 3 days. Im on mat leave right now. We have 2 small kids, I make their food most evenings.
i do grocery shopping online most weeks. DH does not like this as thinks i am controlling and he doesn’t know what to cook if he didn’t do the shop. We have a grocery list and each can write something when we need it.

This week he requested to do the shop (at the actual shop) when we needed it. He agreed to go tonight. I went for a run and he fed the kids, as I do once a week. When I came home he did bath time, put toddler to bed and I put baby to bed. Then he went and did shop, for 2h. At 10pm I’m hungry so make pasta and eat although it’s his turn to cook. 10.30pm he comes home and I help put things away (I’m tired, this is pretty much bedtime). I notice he’s bought reduced fat coconut milk and just ask him not to take offence but that he gets full fat in future as it’s just not as good. He goes crazy yelling waking up the baby, throwing yoghurt on the floor saying I’m controlling and he “can’t stand it anymore”. I do not get it. I didn’t ask him to shop at night time. I usually do kids dinner it’s just tonight he did it. He always gets in such a crazy stress these days. Aibu?

See I think if the boot was on the other foot and the op was saying she had been shopping and got the wrong milk - despite working while her husband is taking paternity leave and having put the toddler to bed while he went out running there would be a different response.

Sometimes- not always - but sometimes gender doesn't make someone right . I only say this because I left a relationship for the same reasons but I was the one getting the shopping wrong and getting criticism for it .
Surely if he's cooking the meals that week he should be able to menu plan and shop ? Without someone breathing down his neck ? It does kind of resonate with me and while I didn't throw anything there were times when he would critique my meal choices and shopping that made me feel like chucking more than a tin of coconut milk at his head . I didn't obviously. But it was him that was controlling and not me . It's not beyond the realms of possibility that the op is the controlling partner and her dh has truly had enough of being told what to buy, when and how when he's the one cooking?

For the purpose of debate. This is how I see it from the husband’s side and would be his post: -
……………………….
Controlling Wife always on at me….

You know I work so hard and do everything I can to please my wife but sometimes its just not good enough for her. If it wasn’t for the children I think I would leave her.

I have two small children and DW is currently on Maternity leave with our youngest and at home all day. I try and support as much as possible and do my fair share of all the housework and cook every other night. Because DW controls the shopping online, sometimes I find I don’t always have the things I need when its my turn to cook and frankly I’m left to create a miracle in the kitchen, so I say, for next week do you mind if I go to the store and pick up some shopping for us. I was thinking I might get some healthy options and maybe cook her something special as a surprise treat, we don’t get out as much these days.

Tonight was the night I was going to the store and it was also my turn to cook but when I get home from working hard all day, she was moaning about something and the little one still hadn’t had his dinner and she wants to go on a run which she likes to do to clear her head and keep fit, so I say don’t worry you go off on your run I will sort it from here. So, I sort the children’s dinner out and she’s still out on her run, so I bath them, read a story and put our DS to bed and wait for her to return so I can leave the house get the shopping. At this point time is getting on and I still haven’t gone to the store or started dinner for us.

Anyhow, she gets back and I go to the store but it’s a right nightmare of a journey, heavy traffic, I rush around the store picking stuff up, she wants to get fitter so I pick up the lower fat coconut milk, I think we could try that as it might be healthy option and head home to cook dinner for us but the journey has taken longer than I expected.

When I return, she has selfishly cooked herself dinner and left nothing for me. I start putting the shopping away and she’s criticizing my purchases. I was tired, sorted everything and she’s having a right go. She always finds ways to criticize me normally by starting the sentence “don’t take offence but…” then she sees the low-fat coconut milk and before I can say anything has a right go over that, telling me it’s not as good and I shouldn’t have brought it and should have brought the full fat brand.

Well, I had just had enough, I was so upset I dropped the shopping on the floor and the yoghurt carton broke, I told her that her controlling ways are just getting to me now, its too much and I just can’t stand It anymore.

I just feel that I’m working my socks off at the moment, but whatever I do just isn’t good enough for her, she is very controlling, and I feel totally unappreciated.

Not sure what to do, any advice appreciated .

AIBU
………………………………
Amazing how different the picture might actually be from the other side….

You need to redo your division of labour in the house. Yes you had a full day but so did your husband. Why did he do everything?

This is way more than milk. Your marriage won’t make it much longer unless you sit down with him and figure it out. I would recommend you get a therapist.

I don’t think you are controlling, it’s more that you have preset expectations which you have not communicated and don’t flex on those expectations.

He was hangry. Clearly.

Eww coconut milk ....

You need a real chat about what’s going on because this is all just the symptoms rather than the actual issues. He sounds very stressed and his reaction is OTT and not ok. Why are you doing the shop so late.. it sounds to me like you’re both at the end of your tethers really - I wonder if your lifestyle needs some tweaks so it’s manageable. I’d say food shop is more important that a run - it’s a joint effort the two of you and (going off the little context given in your post) I wouldn’t be going for a run on a day where the workload is that high the shop is being done at 10pm and no dinner is made etc. This might be an overstep but I get the impression you aren’t approaching the workload as a team and he’s struggling to cope for whatever reason. X

..when I say *you not approaching it as a team I mean you OP not the pair of you. I wouldn’t split the cooking or shop if one of us was at home and the other at work (If that is your set up) x

I'd be well annoyed if DH commented on the coconut milk I picked once I'd put the kids to bed and then went shopping.

Why not both have access to your shopping app, that way you can both add to it through the week and just check out before delivery? That's what me and DH do

write "FULL FAT coconut milk" on the shared shopping list
we don't meal plan. We look in fridge for what food is at risk of going off, and eat that
It's kind of illuminating how other people manage their household food
I've stayed a lot in stranger's homes, Airbnb, it shocks me a little How Much food single people (hosts) have in their fridges, no wonder people can't keep track of what they have unless they meal plan

Would be even more likely to have lots of unused / excess sauces/jars etc. in fridge if OP & her DH start doing excess shops. Doesn't that undermine point of meal-planning even more?

Where was he and what was he doing when he was out?

It doesn't take several hours to grocery shop.

Crazy stress and flinging accusations at you mean he has some narrative in his head to justify at least a flirtation with someone else.

Math I usually like your posts but this is truly bonkers. He video calls op while shopping. I can easily spend 2 hours in Tesco . Especially since they've fi king moved everything. There isn't always an agenda . So
Times the op - even a woman - is just being a dick .

Yes, the video calling is very clever.

But I have done the entire Christmas to New Years shop in a heaving supermarket on Christmas Eve and it hasn't taken me two whole hours.

Accusing the OP of being controlling, wanting a hero's reception for doing bloody chores - a narrative is clearly in place in this man's head, and throwing yogurt and shouting enough to wake the baby shows he is a good way down the road toward utter disrespect.

I would suspect the narrative is the one where the put upon man is not getting the appreciation he deserves for his hard days in the office even to the point where he is expected to contribute st home. He has to bathe the toddler and put him to bed, tidy up the house and cook half the week, while his wife sits on her fanny all day playing with the babies and getting nothing done, then swanning out for a run, thus depriving him of the audience he needs for his efforts at parenting and keeping his house from becoming a tip.

I would say there's a willing pair of ears encouraging this.

Is the baby relevant here? Both me and DH did some crazy shit when we were sleep deprived. We had the stupidest arguments over nothing which stopped happening once we both got a good night’s sleep.

I think the instant jump to the conclusion a man who is justifiably pissed off mict be having n affair is disingenuous to mn . Really . Sometimes women aren't automatically right on here and I hazard a guess this is one of those times .

Oh ffs math ! Come on ! Please look at this objectively.

Husband is doing his bit . He's working . Op isn't . He's supporting his wife's running and gone shopping because he wants to chose the food he's about to cook.
He's tired presumablybeen at work all day , he's put a kiddie to bed while op
Goes running then gone shopping
Because he's cooking the meals .

Is his wife out shagging while on her run maybe ?
Because that's as batshit as what you're suggesting.

With a baby and a toddler life will feel like endless chores and you will probably get grumpy with each other. It's blooming hard work.

While it is NOT OK to shout and throw things, like others, I sort of understand where he is coming from - he'd had a long day was probably tired and hungry and felt you had nit picked. Although it was a bit daft of him IMO to go on a long shop in the late evening especially without having much of a break. It's not clear from your answers if this is a one off or does this happen a lot? If it does, then that's definitely also not OK and you need to sit down and talk and you both possibly need some help to get some kind of break.

I was fully prepared to back you up. Then I read your last post, where are you are sick of him putting your toddler to bed too late. Ie 30min later than normal. I’m starting to feel he can’t do anything right around the home in your eyes. The coconut milk was the final straw.

Was he hangry? My oh is insane when he hasn’t eaten. Totally unreasonable as is my dd17 - it’s like feeding tigers then they go back to being pussy cats.
Also if been and done the shopping that late and my oh was banging on about coconut milk I would be a tad grumpy.

You’ve got to start working better as a team, your current setup doesn’t work at all.

This stuck out to me: “Our life just feels like endless chores now.” …stop doing so many them. Let some stuff slide. And for goodness sake if you go for a run once a week, don’t time it with food shop day. It’s great that you’re doing it, but try and make life a little easier for yourself.

As for bed time… I can do all three by myself if I don’t do them all at once, I just do them one after each other. Baby 1 bathed and fed while toddler and baby 2 play upstairs, baby 2 bathed and fed while toddler gets in bath, babies both settled to sleep while toddler is in bath, toddler out of bath and in bed.

I agree it needs more management time wise.

1 cooks whist the other does bedtimes and alternate.

Sounds like your trying to tag team children all day and then have time to yourselves too late in the day.

Also online shop. You don't need to write a list each. Have 1 list and let him go to shop if he wants or have an online order you both add what you want to it.

Just buy 2 types of coconut milk if you both want different 🤷‍♀️