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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband furious after grocery shopping

392 replies

HolyCow83 · 30/08/2022 23:18

DH and myself take in turns to cook evening meal for ourselves, me 4 days a week him 3 days. Im on mat leave right now. We have 2 small kids, I make their food most evenings.
i do grocery shopping online most weeks. DH does not like this as thinks i am controlling and he doesn’t know what to cook if he didn’t do the shop. We have a grocery list and each can write something when we need it.

This week he requested to do the shop (at the actual shop) when we needed it. He agreed to go tonight. I went for a run and he fed the kids, as I do once a week. When I came home he did bath time, put toddler to bed and I put baby to bed. Then he went and did shop, for 2h. At 10pm I’m hungry so make pasta and eat although it’s his turn to cook. 10.30pm he comes home and I help put things away (I’m tired, this is pretty much bedtime). I notice he’s bought reduced fat coconut milk and just ask him not to take offence but that he gets full fat in future as it’s just not as good. He goes crazy yelling waking up the baby, throwing yoghurt on the floor saying I’m controlling and he “can’t stand it anymore”. I do not get it. I didn’t ask him to shop at night time. I usually do kids dinner it’s just tonight he did it. He always gets in such a crazy stress these days. Aibu?

OP posts:
phishy · 31/08/2022 20:07

Cherchezlaspice · 31/08/2022 19:51

No, the analogy works. Saying ‘I’d do that’ acknowledges that they’d react in the same way, it’s not saying it’s the appropriate reaction.

Saying ‘fuck’ when stubbing one’s toe might not be the appropriate reaction in front of one’s 10 year old. It’s possible to acknowledge that while also acknowledging that one might react in that way, in that circumstance.

Much like it’s possible to acknowledge one would react like OP’s husband, while also acknowledging that it isn’t a healthy or appropriate reaction.

Show quote history

You can tie yourself up in knots trying to make it work but it doesn’t.

If you say you’d have thrown the yoghurt too, then you do think it’s the appropriate action because you acknowledge that you would do it.

Comedycook · 31/08/2022 20:11

Keen to do the food shop and it took him two hours? I'd be suspicious he took that time to meet someone or call someone in private?

Westernesse · 31/08/2022 20:12

Comedycook · 31/08/2022 20:11

Keen to do the food shop and it took him two hours? I'd be suspicious he took that time to meet someone or call someone in private?

Deranged.

Trying20 · 31/08/2022 20:13

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phishy · 31/08/2022 20:15

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I’m saying if you would have thrown the yoghurt too then you think it was appropriate.

Own it.

Trying20 · 31/08/2022 20:16

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Teand · 31/08/2022 20:18

I’m saying if you would have thrown the yoghurt too then you think it was appropriate.

Not at all. Sometimes I am aware that I act in inappropriate ways. So, if I imagine a situation, I can say something like "I'd probably have done X too". It just means I know I sometimes act badly.

hedgehogger1 · 31/08/2022 20:20

Get Tesco delivery saver. Then neither of you has to go to the shop at bed time

Trying20 · 31/08/2022 20:24

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phishy · 31/08/2022 20:25

@Trying20 what lovely language. No wonder you identify with the shouty, aggressive DH.

phishy · 31/08/2022 20:26

Teand · 31/08/2022 20:18

I’m saying if you would have thrown the yoghurt too then you think it was appropriate.

Not at all. Sometimes I am aware that I act in inappropriate ways. So, if I imagine a situation, I can say something like "I'd probably have done X too". It just means I know I sometimes act badly.

But if you still think you’d have done it with the benefit of hindsight, then you do think it’s appropriate.

Trying20 · 31/08/2022 20:26

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DustinsHat · 31/08/2022 20:31

HolyCow83 · 30/08/2022 23:40

I don’t plan to leave him I just don’t know how to cope with the shouting, I really don’t.

You say, stop shouting at me, it is abusive and I will be ring the police if you continue.

BaronessEllarawrosaurus · 31/08/2022 20:32

phishy · 31/08/2022 20:26

But if you still think you’d have done it with the benefit of hindsight, then you do think it’s appropriate.

Show quote history

In my case it would be acknowledging that I'm a flawed human being who can react badly. I know I react badly, I know I could easily have thrown the yoghurt but I also know it's not the correct behaviour.

DustinsHat · 31/08/2022 20:34

Comedycook · 31/08/2022 20:11

Keen to do the food shop and it took him two hours? I'd be suspicious he took that time to meet someone or call someone in private?

I love doing the food shop, DH never buys any delicious snacks.

Cherchezlaspice · 31/08/2022 20:34

phishy · 31/08/2022 20:07

You can tie yourself up in knots trying to make it work but it doesn’t.

If you say you’d have thrown the yoghurt too, then you do think it’s the appropriate action because you acknowledge that you would do it.

Show quote history

I’m not tying myself up in knots, it’s very straightforward. Saying you’d do something isn’t the same as saying it’s the appropriate thing to do. Multiple people have explained this to you. The fact that you’re still not getting it is interesting.

lancsgirl85 · 31/08/2022 20:39

In my case it would be acknowledging that I'm a flawed human being who can react badly. I know I react badly, I know I could easily have thrown the yoghurt but I also know it's not the correct behaviour.

Yep. Another one who understands this. Saying I might have also behaved that way is not the same as saying I think that behaviour is appropriate and correct.

You can simultaneously recognise that you might get pulled into a pattern of behaviour yourself whilst also acknowledging "but I know it's not acceptable to act that way".

That's just having insight to your own patterns of behaviour and realising that you are a flawed human who gets stuff wrong at times.

phishy · 31/08/2022 20:44

Cherchezlaspice · 31/08/2022 20:34

I’m not tying myself up in knots, it’s very straightforward. Saying you’d do something isn’t the same as saying it’s the appropriate thing to do. Multiple people have explained this to you. The fact that you’re still not getting it is interesting.

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But you all are tying yourselves knots.

First Brefugee says no one said they would also ‘start screaming and throw shit around.’

Then when it was pointed out that some posters did say they would have thrown shit around, you’re now all changing it to, ‘yeah, I would have but it wouldn’t have been appropriate.’

The fact that you all need to keep changing what was said is interesting.

Comedycook · 31/08/2022 20:56

No I'm not deranged as one poster said....and like another poster said, I also love food shopping. But. If the ops husband never normally does it and is all of a sudden keen to and it takes him a while, then yes, I'd be very suspicious that he was looking for an excuse to be out of the house.

Cherchezlaspice · 31/08/2022 20:59

phishy · 31/08/2022 20:44

But you all are tying yourselves knots.

First Brefugee says no one said they would also ‘start screaming and throw shit around.’

Then when it was pointed out that some posters did say they would have thrown shit around, you’re now all changing it to, ‘yeah, I would have but it wouldn’t have been appropriate.’

The fact that you all need to keep changing what was said is interesting.

Show quote history

I haven’t changed anything at all. I engaged with you about an analogy and explained it. Then I explained it again. Same explanation.

Trying20 · 31/08/2022 21:04

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stillvicarinatutu · 31/08/2022 21:29

I took that he works from home as op says in her other thread he comes down when he finished work at 7 - this implies he is upstairs working.

It all sounds horribly claustrophobic and if he can't do anything right ( op berates him in the other thread because he spends an extra half hour on bedtime for the toddler reading her stories when op insists he should have her to bed within 30 mins of him finishing work - then coupled with this thread I can quite understand why he would enjoy leaving the house for a couple of hours even if it's to go to bloody Tesco .
The op seems to have a very regimented set of "rules" the her husband keeps breaking. I've been in that position and I can't say I'm surprised he lost the plot after doing a fair bit to allow the op to go on her run (also regimental- weekly run same night every week) , then berating him for the wrong tin of milk ?
I was in that man's shoes for 5 years and I walked in the end . Being undermined at every turn when doing your best isn't any way to live .

Trying20 · 31/08/2022 21:46

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Teand · 31/08/2022 22:06

But if you still think you’d have done it with the benefit of hindsight, then you do think it’s appropriate.

No. I know myself well enough to predict that in the heat of the moment I may act in ways that in retrospect I regret. I'm not sure what's logically inconsistent with that.

stillvicarinatutu · 31/08/2022 22:13

trying absolutely no need to apologise- I think your posts have been measured and sensible.

I'm single now but yes the relief of being able to break "the rules " and find some peace is liberating.
My ex was very controlling, and I ended up constantly on egg shells trying to the right thing - but it was never right .
To the point where when I was up at 5am to work if I left a cup and a spoon in the sink he would photograph it and send me it to show me what I'd done "wrong" . He could however leave a trail of devastation in the kitchen but that was overlooked. I simply couldn't win . A friend of mine once said "he only wins if you lose " and she was right . I just felt for the dh in this particular scenario because it did resonate . Under that kind of constant pressure you do snap sometimes- I did . I'm living peacefully now - as I wish to - no telling off for buying the wrong thing or not washing my cup the instant I used it . Single but content .

Thank you x