Husband furious after grocery shopping

[HolyCow83]

DH and myself take in turns to cook evening meal for ourselves, me 4 days a week him 3 days. Im on mat leave right now. We have 2 small kids, I make their food most evenings.
i do grocery shopping online most weeks. DH does not like this as thinks i am controlling and he doesn’t know what to cook if he didn’t do the shop. We have a grocery list and each can write something when we need it.

This week he requested to do the shop (at the actual shop) when we needed it. He agreed to go tonight. I went for a run and he fed the kids, as I do once a week. When I came home he did bath time, put toddler to bed and I put baby to bed. Then he went and did shop, for 2h. At 10pm I’m hungry so make pasta and eat although it’s his turn to cook. 10.30pm he comes home and I help put things away (I’m tired, this is pretty much bedtime). I notice he’s bought reduced fat coconut milk and just ask him not to take offence but that he gets full fat in future as it’s just not as good. He goes crazy yelling waking up the baby, throwing yoghurt on the floor saying I’m controlling and he “can’t stand it anymore”. I do not get it. I didn’t ask him to shop at night time. I usually do kids dinner it’s just tonight he did it. He always gets in such a crazy stress these days. Aibu?

Given your previous post it does sound like you micromanage. I think getting negative comments like that after a tired day aren’t constructive. It obviously came across as unappreciative and that only your way goes.

I dont know anything about either of you so I can't possibly say that either of you are controlling or abusive. But I do know that it isn't normal for a grown man to have a massive tantrum and start chucking food around waking the children. This needs to be addressed. He sounds at breaking point.

Our life just feels like endless chores now.

With little ones it basically is. On the other hand it was a tremendous privilege to care for two boisterous happy (usually) girls. Exhausting certainly

Perhaps the two of you need time to unwind.

Remember the way he does things isn't necessarily the way you do. You both need to understand and accept it.

There's no need to scream, throw things and act like an infant. If he can't cope, he should talk to you like a normal human being.

@phishy you're obviously hell bent on OP being right, why did she tell him to not buy reduced fat coconut milk again if she would allow him to order it on line?

She's not got a tough life, mat leave, he shares chores, shares bed tones and toddlers goes to a childminder.

Yes still she's not picking?

Oh hang on she's a woman so must always be right? Yeah?

Both of your planning skills need work, why plan to shop the one night a week you go for your run? Why did you make your dinner at 10pm when he had left for a food shop at 8:30pm - were you waiting for him to come home and make it? Were you surprised that he didn't make it when he was not even in the house to make it?

When something is wrong in the food shop, just make sure to write the correct thing next time? Full fat coconut milk. Little things go wrong all the time, it is easier to roll with it than complain about everything.

According to your other thread your DH works till 7pm and then spends too long putting toddler to sleep? So does he have to work till 7pm? Is that his contracted hours? If so then you need to change the kids routine to match it, or you need to put toddler to bed maybe? It sounds like he is making an effort and in my opinion everyone needs a bit of breathing space between work and home. It all sounds a bit tedious to be honest. If he chooses to work till 7pm then that is a different conversation.

It all sounds like a bit of a pressure cooker and you need to start communicating and planning better.

If he didn’t get in until 10.00pm from the food shop what time did he expect you both to eat? In at 10.00pm, fifteen minutes to put shopping away then start cooking,.
2 hours to do a food shop? Where was he during those two hours? How much food did he buy to warrant 2 hours? The only time I spend 2 hours food shopping is at Christmas.

He probably wanted to do the shop in person to have a bloody break. Of course he shouldn't have shouted, but I would have been annoyed if DH moaned about the shopping. You sound controlling you both need to evaluate your behaviour.

DP takes 2-3 hours to do our food shop in person because he likes to have a good browse around homeware and the clothes section etc before he even gets to the food shop part!

Did you ask him why he got the reduced fat coconut milk before you complained about it? My supermarket is often out of stock of the full fat and there's only the reduced fat one left.

It is possible for you both to shop online. We mostly shop online because we don't have time for DP to have his two hour peruse of the supermarket every week! I put everything I want in the basket then DP will add the things he wants then one of us will check out. If you think you are going to run out of time, check out your order then press the amend button for the second person to add their stuff.

Giving his ears a rest I should imagine!

Ignoring the bigger issues, why can't you both just do the online shop? Why does anyone need to be in a supermarket at 10pm? You can both add want you want to the online shop, before it's delivered, and you can make sure you always get the proper coconut milk. If he doesn't have the login for the online shopping account, give it to him.

It all sounds very miserable and there doesn’t seem to be much give and take. If one of us needed to go shopping in the evening then the other would do bedtime and the other one could go shopping. I probably would have gone running another day- not saying you should HAVE to change your plans but we try and help each other. Did you save him some tea?

He shouldn’t have reacted like that though. I think only you will know if it was a final straw type reaction or if he is really an awful man.

When did things turn into a tit for tat type situation? Is it sleep deprivation or more than that?

My H takes hours if he has to shop and spends way more money on things we don't normally buy.

Thing is, people are saying op is controlling by not liking the milk. But they have a list, they can both add to said list, and the twat/husband started by ranting that he doesn't like what she buys and wants to do it himself. So despite her having presumably put full fat milk on the list, he bought something else. This is either because he is stupid, he wanted to annoy her deliberately or they didn't have it in stock. Given his then complete meltdown like a fucking baby, I'm going to assume it's one of the first two.

Could be more to it, maybe op does nitpick a bit, but you end up having to when you're married to an idiot that after 3 years still can't be bothered to remember where the towels go.

You are both being unreasonable.

He overreacted.

You came across at nitpicking - why mention the low fat coconut milk at 10:30pm when he had obviously tried his best and discovered grocery shopping is not as easy as he thinks it is

I should explain, it's an example on the towels bit for my post. Forgot to say that.

That thead is so sad. The DH comes home from work and wants to spend some time reading to DD and spending time with her and you think that warrants a post on MN as he isn't making sure she is asleep 20 mins after he has got in.

If I was you DH I'd be wondering why I was bothering as I'd get more time with my kids if we split.

For future reference, light coconut milk is half milk half water. So YABU to buy light coconut milk at all - just buy the normal stuff and water it down. Two cans of light for the price of one.

I know that’s not the point but hey ho.

How on Earth do you know he's a bad father? A bad husband? Controlling? There's very little information in the post and only from the wifes point of view. Maybe she's the one controlling wanting to decide everything. Maybe not. We just don't know.

All I know is that some people on this site is very quick on deciding that the husband is at fault. Sometimes that is true but not always.

Where do you think he was?

His behaviour is horrible but maybe it would help if you both actually write a menu plan rather than just a shopping list. Game changer for us.

Throwing and shouting like that was wrong. But it sounds like he does do a lot, and to be honest, reading the other comments about the other threads, i wonder OP if you have had discussions about how he thinks you're controlling before?

Did he want to do the shopping at that time/point because he just wanted to get out of the house? it sounds like he wanted to spend time with the kids too as well and just took on too much.

For the coconut milk - I'd have been cross in his shoes too. Why do you get to choose all the ingredients when he does just about half the cooking? All you had to do (hindsight is a wonderful thing) is at the piont it was used to say "it's nice but i prefer the full fat")

How long have you been on maternity leave? is he feeling the stress of being the sole breadwinner surrounded by news of rampant inflation and a fuel crisis? Maybe he (like me) needed to be in a shop and see it for himself to get a handle on it.

It really doesn't excuse shouting and throwing yoghurt, but it sounds like at that moment he just snapped but it had been building up, so anything could have set him off?

You said you have 2 kids so you can't leave. You can if you feel you must.

It's really hard to tell what's going on from your post. It feels like there is more happening.

Assuming someone isn't always flying into abusive rages (like my ex - so I know it could be the case), people usually throw things when they have a build up of frustration that needs to be released.

Can you just sit down and talk to each other?

I've experienced it before where I feel frustrated when DP does all of the meal planning and grocery shopping, because I feel like I have no control over what I put in my body. I've also experienced him telling me I'm too critical, because I will constantly point out little things and make suggestions 😂

It might be a case of you being more self-aware and acknowledging if you really do have controlling tendencies? I do! I can be a total control freak. I know this about myself and try to let things go. So maybe it's worth reflecting?

Either way, it also sounds like there is a lot of resentment between the two of you and that all the chores and drudgery is stripping the joy out of your lives together.

Instead of dividing chores, can you share them and make them more fun? Cook together and chat, play music, etc., instead of taking it in turns? Plan meals together for the week, or each do your own food shopping if you prefer to do different things?

Would you consider relationship therapy to work through things, if you're struggling to communicate with each other? The shopping / coconut milk / etc. is just a symptom of the problem, rather than the actual problem.

Op your op makes me so so so happy that i am a single parent. Honestly - none of this hellish drama. And most importantly - my children don’t grow up with parents that don’t really like each other, let alone love each other

Op your op makes me so so so happy that i am a single parent

assuming this shouting was a one-off because he is under stress (it's an option) i think OP has a pretty good deal, he pulls his weight with cooking, cleaning and parenting. So nothing to do with being single or not. Just a matter of getting to what caused it.