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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband furious after grocery shopping

392 replies

HolyCow83 · 30/08/2022 23:18

DH and myself take in turns to cook evening meal for ourselves, me 4 days a week him 3 days. Im on mat leave right now. We have 2 small kids, I make their food most evenings.
i do grocery shopping online most weeks. DH does not like this as thinks i am controlling and he doesn’t know what to cook if he didn’t do the shop. We have a grocery list and each can write something when we need it.

This week he requested to do the shop (at the actual shop) when we needed it. He agreed to go tonight. I went for a run and he fed the kids, as I do once a week. When I came home he did bath time, put toddler to bed and I put baby to bed. Then he went and did shop, for 2h. At 10pm I’m hungry so make pasta and eat although it’s his turn to cook. 10.30pm he comes home and I help put things away (I’m tired, this is pretty much bedtime). I notice he’s bought reduced fat coconut milk and just ask him not to take offence but that he gets full fat in future as it’s just not as good. He goes crazy yelling waking up the baby, throwing yoghurt on the floor saying I’m controlling and he “can’t stand it anymore”. I do not get it. I didn’t ask him to shop at night time. I usually do kids dinner it’s just tonight he did it. He always gets in such a crazy stress these days. Aibu?

OP posts:
stillvicarinatutu · 30/08/2022 23:59

HolyCow83 · 30/08/2022 23:53

@stillvicarinatutu Well basically if he didn’t ask the I would just do it online as normal. I just do it online because otherwise we run out of food

So rejoice at him taking some initiative and let him get in with it ? Saves you a job surely ? And if he's cooking he's right to want to do the shop ? Your on mat leave - is he working ? He sounds like he's doing his share to be fair and to criticise him for the wrong can of mol is a bit shit . Sorry . But I think you might be in the wrong here .

Luredbyapomegranate · 30/08/2022 23:59

FrecklesMalone · 30/08/2022 23:52

You are both unreasonable (you for nitpicking at a silly time, he for tantruming). But be kind to yourselves a baby and a toddler is fucking hard work for everyone.
It's relentless and exhausting, boring and unrewarding. The relationship suffers so much from the imbalance and everyone feels hard done by

Try and find a way to spent some regular time just the two of you. Get a babysitter or babysit swap with someone else with kids. It's so so important. Go for walks together or to the pub. Do it every week.
When he calms down wait until it's a good time and apologes for the comment but say you don't want to ever get to the point where he reacts like that again.

This is good advice.

Possibly combined with some serious conversations about what you can do to reduce the strain so you don’t let your marriage slide and/or counselling if necessary.

MissingNashville · 31/08/2022 00:00

You need to be honest with yourself. Is he abusive, are you scared of him? Or are you both just shattered and handling it badly.

If you don’t want to leave him, I hope it’s ‘just’ the latter and you need to work out how to communicate properly, because it’s no way to live and not an acceptable environment for children.

Original poster
HolyCow83 · 31/08/2022 00:02

@FrecklesMalone gosh how do you do it. I get both ready for bed but baby is crying and toddler wants a story at the same time. Which do you do first?

OP posts:
Namenic · 31/08/2022 00:06

I don’t understand why he wanted to do the shopping - why he felt you were being controlling by doing the online shop. I think something is going wrong with the communication and is a symptom of a wider problem. The shouting is wrong though.

You probably need to go to marriage counselling.

Londonactive · 31/08/2022 00:06

Issues are waaaaaay deeper than coconut milk here. You guys need to sit and speak, with a therapist.
He is clearly holding a lot of resentment over something

stillvicarinatutu · 31/08/2022 00:09

Namenic · 31/08/2022 00:06

I don’t understand why he wanted to do the shopping - why he felt you were being controlling by doing the online shop. I think something is going wrong with the communication and is a symptom of a wider problem. The shouting is wrong though.

You probably need to go to marriage counselling.

If he's meal planning and cooking then I totally get why he wants to do the shopping. When it was my turn to
Cook I wanted to cook my choices so I'd shop . If someone else
Shops and then expects you to
Cook how do you know what's in their mind ? I I'm cooking I shop .nonn no issue now I live alone .

Lessofallthisunpleasantness · 31/08/2022 00:10

Well, we have only heard this from your point of view. It sounds like he was being unreasonable. Maybe have him log on to Mumsnet and give his version of evens.

FrecklesMalone · 31/08/2022 00:11

HolyCow83 · 31/08/2022 00:02

@FrecklesMalone gosh how do you do it. I get both ready for bed but baby is crying and toddler wants a story at the same time. Which do you do first?

I used to bath them all (not every night) then all into PJs, feed baby while reading stories, sing (fecking endless) songs. Lights out. Wine.

Lulibee · 31/08/2022 00:12

Was it out of character? He must have been exhausted doing all of that on top of a full time job. He sounds stressed. Try to calmly get to the bottom of what’s happening to him.

stillvicarinatutu · 31/08/2022 00:13

Yku know he's working , doing what appears to be his fair share of the donkey work and child care and op berates him for the wrong tin of milk ?
I kind of get it . I'd have probably chucked the tin not just a yoghurt.
I'm not saying it's goth to throw a strop but god were all human and it sounds like he's just got to the end of his tether being told
What to do - what to cook , how to shop and what to buy .
I'm saying this
Kindly but the op seems to be micromanaging her dh even when he's trying to do his
Share ?

FatAnneTheDealer · 31/08/2022 00:19

He did the shop. He shouldn’t have yelled, of course, but he did the shop and then you criticised him. That’s not okay either.

(Also it sounds like he is totally pulling his weight re home/family responsibilities.)

HikingforScenery · 31/08/2022 00:20

stillvicarinatutu · 31/08/2022 00:13

Yku know he's working , doing what appears to be his fair share of the donkey work and child care and op berates him for the wrong tin of milk ?
I kind of get it . I'd have probably chucked the tin not just a yoghurt.
I'm not saying it's goth to throw a strop but god were all human and it sounds like he's just got to the end of his tether being told
What to do - what to cook , how to shop and what to buy .
I'm saying this
Kindly but the op seems to be micromanaging her dh even when he's trying to do his
Share ?

I agree with this

Trying20 · 31/08/2022 00:23

This reply has been withdrawn

This post has been withdrawn by the OP

Pixiedust1234 · 31/08/2022 00:27

You are getting a bit of stick here op, but I got battered when I asked why my dh screamed at me out of nowhere. Apparently I was the micromanaging one. I got screamed at again tonight because I didn't listen and agree with him. ((All I said was I was surprised plasters went out of date, he said its because they are sterile, I said the box we have is a cardboard box, that wont keep them sterile)). Yes, literally shouted at the top of his voice.

You won't stop him screaming at you. Its because he doesn't want you to question his authority, his place as head of family, how he is omnipotent. Its not about the milk at all. Open your eyes and start looking at your relationship. Its not equal.

stillvicarinatutu · 31/08/2022 00:31

Well I don't think it's him stamping his authority if I'm honest

If I were him I'd just say right you shop and you cook if my choices are so wrong .

I know what I'd prefer.

leccybill · 31/08/2022 00:31

Maybe he was just hungry? Did you save him some pasta?

MissTrip82 · 31/08/2022 00:36

Nobody should be yelling or throwing things.

But good grief I’d be annoyed if I got home from shopping late after working and kids bathtime etc - and I laughed at the ppl incredulous that you’d shop then, were shift workers and shop at all sorts of odd times because 10am on a Wednesday doesn’t work - and my husband nit picked over such a minor thing.

oviraptor21 · 31/08/2022 00:38

I disagree.
The one and only time I shouted at a partner and threw something (in this case tomato ketchup) was because I'd reached the end of the tether with his behaviour. This was 30 years ago. I knew at that point the relationship was over.
I wasn't trying to assert my authority. Just hugely frustrated at being undermined at every turn.

FatAnneTheDealer · 31/08/2022 00:44

And @FrecklesMalone has given good advice and example.

Trying20 · 31/08/2022 00:47

This reply has been withdrawn

This post has been withdrawn by the OP

stillvicarinatutu · 31/08/2022 00:50

Maybe he was also frustrated at being undermined when clearly trying to do his share .

Op - I mean this kindly but you need to look at your behaviour here and maybe he has a point in saying you are controlling. I know it's hard sometimes to relinquish control but the kind of not picking you describe led to me leaving my partner . I just got so sick and tired of it .
You must have picked up the wrong thing at the supermarket at some point ?
I bought low fat crème freche last week but tbh couldn't tell the difference when I cooked with it .

I think you need to cut him some slack . Have you talked to
Him ? I'd apologise tbh . There wasn't any real need to criticise when he'd made an effort to out the toddler to bed , shop and cook .

I presume the fact you made pasta means he hadn't eaten either ? Did you save any for his evening meal? Or did you expect him to do his own at 10.30 pm ?

I think you need to realise he was actually pulling his weight . In the same circs I have lost it too if the only thing my dp could say was "you've got the wrong tin of coconut milk " 🤷🏻‍♀️

blockpavingismynightmare · 31/08/2022 00:54

I could not live like this. You both need to talk and start to appreciate what the other one does. It reads as if you are both angry and nitpicking and there is an underlying sense of resentment which needs to be addressed

CombatBarbie · 31/08/2022 00:59

There's enough responses about behaviour but can I make a suggestion.

If he prefers going to shop then let him go for his meal prep. You continue online for your days and the kids/house etc.

But the onus is on him to check what he actually needs instead of video calling because that would drive me insane.

Our shopping list is on alexa (we shop at aldi mainly) if its not on the list it doesn't get bought, simples. Last week was a smart remark about no coke but I got wine. My wine was on the list, the coke wasn't. I'm not a maid, skivvy, his mother etc. With the amount of devices around the home my DH and the kids have no excuse.

Nekomata · 31/08/2022 01:48

The fact that he calls you controlling is a huge red flag for me. Controlling people just love telling their partners that they are the problem.

Short term: How about you do your shopping online and he does his in the shop? Even if he's a dick about it, insist that you want to do your own shopping online.

Long term: Don't have any more children with him and start to look for a way out of the marriage. As much as possible, don't react to his outbursts, just remain calm and focussed.

He's not a good man. He's not a good husband and he's not a good father.