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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband furious after grocery shopping

392 replies

HolyCow83 · 30/08/2022 23:18

DH and myself take in turns to cook evening meal for ourselves, me 4 days a week him 3 days. Im on mat leave right now. We have 2 small kids, I make their food most evenings.
i do grocery shopping online most weeks. DH does not like this as thinks i am controlling and he doesn’t know what to cook if he didn’t do the shop. We have a grocery list and each can write something when we need it.

This week he requested to do the shop (at the actual shop) when we needed it. He agreed to go tonight. I went for a run and he fed the kids, as I do once a week. When I came home he did bath time, put toddler to bed and I put baby to bed. Then he went and did shop, for 2h. At 10pm I’m hungry so make pasta and eat although it’s his turn to cook. 10.30pm he comes home and I help put things away (I’m tired, this is pretty much bedtime). I notice he’s bought reduced fat coconut milk and just ask him not to take offence but that he gets full fat in future as it’s just not as good. He goes crazy yelling waking up the baby, throwing yoghurt on the floor saying I’m controlling and he “can’t stand it anymore”. I do not get it. I didn’t ask him to shop at night time. I usually do kids dinner it’s just tonight he did it. He always gets in such a crazy stress these days. Aibu?

OP posts:
Gensola · 30/08/2022 23:19

He is abusive

Justanotherwinter · 30/08/2022 23:20

Typical man that wouldn’t last a day in a womens shoes

Underanothersky · 30/08/2022 23:20

Sounds like he's the controlling one.

TheFoz · 30/08/2022 23:21

There’s way more going on here than just a grocery shop.

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 30/08/2022 23:22

You need to find out what is causing the ‘crazy stress’. That’s what’s important, not who was right or wrong about coconut milk, that’s just a symptom. Can you talk to him about what is going on in his life? Is there anyone else who could talk to him?

oviraptor21 · 30/08/2022 23:22

Poor behaviour on his part but did you need to nitpick about the coconut milk?
He fed the kids, did toddler bed, then went shopping and got back at 10.30. I'd be pretty passed off if my dp then complained about something as inconsequential as the type of coconut milk.

oviraptor21 · 30/08/2022 23:24

*pissed off even

BEAM123 · 30/08/2022 23:24

That's ridiculous behaviour from him.
However, if he is doing the shopping just let him get on with it and do it in his own way, he is also an adult (despite his tantrum) and may have as good a reason for wanting low fat coconut milk as you do for wanting full fat.

FuchsAndMöhr · 30/08/2022 23:26

I genuinely couldn’t muster the energy to argue over coconut milk.

You are both BU!

Whowhatwherewhenwhynow · 30/08/2022 23:26

Way more context is needed for anyone to really give any advice.

He could be controlling but so could you. Hard to tell from such little info. Certainly his behaviour sounds extreme.

you say you mentioned the coconut milk, but how many things do you mention like this? I have a friend (ex friend now because I couldn’t stand her behaviour) who would make comments like this constantly to her husband. Literally she would say something negative about every single thing he did…..like literally every 5 minutes it would be “why is this left here”, “why you starting dinner so early”, “why are the cans in the cupboard like that”, “why has you put the picnic blanket here”… on and on.

my point is. The wider context makes a big difference to the scenario you explained:

memorial · 30/08/2022 23:27

Low fat coconut milk? I think there's more going on here

Cherchezlaspice · 30/08/2022 23:28

I am almost never on the husband’s side (I’ll hold my hand up to this), it your last thread was you complaining about him putting your DD to bed half an hour later than you do and how this was driving you mad.

Do you think you might be a bit controlling? Taking both pats together, it does seem a bit ‘your way of the high way’. They would be quite stressful to deal with. If he wants to buy reduced fat coconut milk, let him.

His response is disgusting, however. Throwing things about and screaming isn’t healthy or acceptable behaviour.

blisstwins · 30/08/2022 23:28

TheFoz · 30/08/2022 23:21

There’s way more going on here than just a grocery shop.

This.
are there other signs he is checked out? Looking for an argument? This is not normal.

Glitteratitar · 30/08/2022 23:29

There’s definitely more going on here for him to think you’re controlling in terms of when you do the shopping and also how you them criticise his shopping.

RoutineLow · 30/08/2022 23:30

oviraptor21 · 30/08/2022 23:22

Poor behaviour on his part but did you need to nitpick about the coconut milk?
He fed the kids, did toddler bed, then went shopping and got back at 10.30. I'd be pretty passed off if my dp then complained about something as inconsequential as the type of coconut milk.

Victim blaming bullshit. I wondered how long it would take for someone to say this.

There's nothing that excuses such a ridiculous and venomous outburst. Especially not a remark over coconut milk. Throwing things and waking the kids? Come on.

Glitteratitar · 30/08/2022 23:30

your last thread was you complaining about him putting your DD to bed half an hour later than you do and how this was driving you mad

I remember that thread. You were really annoyed he would put your daughter to be just half an hour late. Do you criticise and try to control a lot of his life OP?

Mamamia7962 · 30/08/2022 23:30

This all sounds very hard work. Why don't you both decide in advance what meals you want for the week and then whoever does the shopping just buys what's on the list.

ForfuckssakeEXHstopbeingatwat · 30/08/2022 23:30

It may not have been the best time to mention it but the reaction is massively OTT and as others have said, probably a symptom of the general "stressedness" you've described as a fairly normal state of being. Sounds like you're working hard to split everything down the middle and be fair with regard to all the parenting and chores etc but it does sound pretty regimented, down to the exact split of nights to cook etc. A calm discussion is definitely needed around why he feels controlled, what would he rather do..work on it if you can. There's hopefully some middle ground.

Cherchezlaspice · 30/08/2022 23:32

Cherchezlaspice · 30/08/2022 23:28

I am almost never on the husband’s side (I’ll hold my hand up to this), it your last thread was you complaining about him putting your DD to bed half an hour later than you do and how this was driving you mad.

Do you think you might be a bit controlling? Taking both pats together, it does seem a bit ‘your way of the high way’. They would be quite stressful to deal with. If he wants to buy reduced fat coconut milk, let him.

His response is disgusting, however. Throwing things about and screaming isn’t healthy or acceptable behaviour.

but your last thread
taking both posts together
That would be quite stressful

Christ, I clearly can’t write tonight and should go to bed.

Glitteratitar · 30/08/2022 23:32

RoutineLow · 30/08/2022 23:30

Victim blaming bullshit. I wondered how long it would take for someone to say this.

There's nothing that excuses such a ridiculous and venomous outburst. Especially not a remark over coconut milk. Throwing things and waking the kids? Come on.

Show quote history

Sometimes people who are in a controlling relationship snap when they’ve had enough, usually over something minor. It’s not at all victim blaming but maybe recognising that OP is possibly on the controlling side.

Original poster
HolyCow83 · 30/08/2022 23:33

Basically if it wasn’t the coconut milk I think anything I said would have tipped him. Because he spent the whole evening doing chores and unless I’m hugely appreciative it’s just not good enough. I spend all day looking after the baby and doing kids washing and this evening’s run is something I do once a week. He does put toddler to bed every night but I always put the baby. I don’t feel I nitpick at him a lot, I just thought “unless I point this out he’s never going to know I cook with the other coconut milk”. But clearly that was mistimed. I’m just worried that he’s yelling at night and chucking yoghurt on the floor and I felt like he was going to hit me although he said “no I would never do that”. I feel with young kids he basically knows I can’t leave him so he treats me however he wants to. Our life just feels like endless chores now.

OP posts:
SomePosters · 30/08/2022 23:33

Losing his shit at you wasn’t cool but neither was going in and picking through his shopping and telling him it was wrong.

shoe on the other foot what would you say if he helped you unpack and critiqued your choices?

he had said it was important to him to make some food choices and when he did that you came and said they were wrong.
seems to me you need to think about a) why you did that and b) how you think that could be perceived?

losing your temper and throwing stuff around is not acceptable however. It’s just not. We have to set the bare minimum here surely

you either need to reconnect or start planning an exit strategy but winding each other up and not hearing or meeting each other’s needs isn’t working

sofap · 30/08/2022 23:33

TheFoz · 30/08/2022 23:21

There’s way more going on here than just a grocery shop.

Yep. Half a story. Not even half

MissingNashville · 30/08/2022 23:33

If this is all there is to the story, he’s being ridiculous. But if he ‘can’t stand it anymore’, I’m presuming there other things going on, not that that would justify yelling and throwing things.

Can he not just do a shop online? You sound like you’re scared of him to have to ask him to ‘not take offence’ about buying a different coconut milk. This makes me think he loses his temper over minor things.

frazzledasarock · 30/08/2022 23:35

seriously posters would get angry if their partner said please don’t get fat reduced coconut milk it’s not as nice?

I’ve said this to DH and he remembers it and doesn’t buy it because it is horrible. DH never took offence.

it’s also utterly insane to do a shop at 10pm! He sounds ridiculous. Is he trying to prove a point and annoyed that you’re right and his way isn’t realistically doable every night?