To ask what "outside help" you have?

[Gemma273]

I feel like I'm literally drowning in housework, life, just everything tbh. We have 2 children and zero help whatsoever, my husband and I have juggled WFH (both of us full time) since the pandemic with our now 3 year old and I've just had a baby. I am able to do work at night that allows me lots of time with my dc during the day. I feel like everything just accumulated during this time and I can't get on top of it. Husband is very hands on with housework and kids so no faults there.
All other families we know seems to be nailing it all but my husband pretty much summed it up, all the people I've been thinking about have "outside help" - one friend has her parents come and do breakfast and dressing her 2 kids every single morning to help them out and has them overnight one night every weekend, another has her Gran do all her washing for their full family and she goes there 4 out of 7 nights for dinner. Also most of them have their children in nursery even if they don't work, just to give them a break and all of our friends kids have regular overnight stays with family at least twice a month.

I'm not really sure what I'm hoping to gain from this post but in a way wanted to vent but also to realise it is normal and most people don't have lots of help.

We now have family who take DS for one day a week while we work, and he goes to nursery two days. Before that we had no help at all but had nursery from when he turned two. Before that we had no help. It's tiring but at least you get to earn money without missing important bonding time when they're small

Certainly not all people have help from nearby relatives, but I've always envied those who do!! My parents are 4hrs away and my in-laws live abroad. Since my youngest turned 4, my parents do have them for 2wks in the summer hols though which is fab.
I've always worked full time; my husband stayed home full time with each child til they were about 2. During the years when we both work full time, we have a cleaner and the kids are in after school club every day and holiday club several weeks a year.
The main thing that keeps me sane is that pretty much everyone is winging it and "having it all" is a myth. Outside appearances are false. Most mums I know aren't coping well but we just do our best and some things have to slide. I never iron for example, and the dishes always pile up since splitting up with husband. The mental load is the worst. I seem to be doing life admin every evening - it's very rare that I ever sit down and switch the TV on!! Yet my husband watches it for 3+ hours every evening both before and after we split up...

We are lucky but also made specific choices before having children about living near a willing support network. I sympathise with those for whom that isn't possible.

Mine are 5 and 2 - one day per week at nursery. My husband does every drop off as he starts later than me and my mum or MIL does the school pick up. I can do pick ups from nursery and from DM/MIL's house for 5pm. They'll often give my son his tea as well.

MIL has DD2 all day on Friday and prefers to pick up my son from school on Fridays and then she keeps him until Saturday afternoon. It's their thing. My DM is retired to slots in to plug gaps between me and DH who does a mixture of late starting shifts and WFH. DH has a 7 day work pattern so is often off midweek whereas I work Mon- Fri.

👍👍👍

We have paid outside help - a good nursery, a combination of camps/wraparound care, a cleaner fortnightly.

My parents do some ad-hoc babysitting but I don't like to ask. If they help, great, if they can't, then that's fine too.

If you both work full time and have pre-school age children then it is normal to have full time childcare! Anything else is pretty much impossible. Unless you work opposing shifts, never see each other and never get a break. Totally unrealistic.

When my daughter was a baby my husband and I both worked full time but had half time child-care (mornings only). We took turns to take her home in the afternoon (hoped she would nap), and then caught up on work in the evenings. It was very hard! Once our second was born they both attended nursery full-time, though still relatively short days.

Not having outside-help from family is common. Not having childcare is not!

The only outside help I have is paid childcare, currently wrap around care, previously childminder. I don’t know why if you both work full time you wouldn’t pay for that, having juggled both during the pandemic it’s not sustainable to work full time and child care full time.

other than that, nothing. I work full time, I’m a lone parent. I juggle everything else, my standards are lowered and I just do what I can.

I don't have any help, but I only work part time.
Its hard but I'm not sure how you are doing it to be honest both working so much.

Your 3 yr old in nursery will help. Have a frank discussion with husband about way forward - making a list of chores & allocating them, considering a cleaner 2 hrs pw, getting a parent to babysit so you can blitz, declutter, do a charity run etc. If you can get on top of upstairs mess, it will be easier to keep on top of it. I know it's hard, but it's a finite problem, within 4 yrs they'll both be at school then in 20 years will have graduated. Yay.

No outside help, however we do now have a cleaner once a week for 3 hours. My kids are older as well so can help out a lot. We have no childcare though and the school runs plus after school activities are a juggle. We also both WFH full time. The pandemic and being at home all the time caused a huge strain. It’s really hard.

If you have a baby shouldn't you be maternityor be be on paternity leave?
If you choose to not pay any money out for child care that is up to you. Both children can go to nursery for a while, your 3yo qualified for free hours, send it to nursery to play with kids its own age.

I kept my older kids in nursery when the baby was small. Couldn't have coped otherwise. I did drop a day I think, maybe two. By the time baby was one, DH had been made redundant and we've made do with one salary since. TBH he's shit at keeping on top of housework.

I have two kids, 4m & 15m.

My mum has my 15m DD once or twice every week. My younger sister will often come round once a week to take one of the kids out. Soon my mum will start taking 4m DS, she just needs to do BLS training because of his complications.

I am on my own though and their dad sees them 3 times a week at my house so not exactly a break

Nothing. No one.
We both FT with a toddler.
It's fucking exhausting trying to keep on top of our lives. 😫

You’ve just had a baby so kind of need to accept it’s a bit chaotic until things resettle again. I found the early years tricky because we would have changes every few months/years as childcare changes with maternity, school etc.

if it’s just housework then I would find a routine. If it is bigger than that, then a conversation or few with your husband about sharing is needed. But bear in mind, early days - you’ve got a new family dynamic to work through!

I think this is entirely normal to feel this way, if you’ve just had a baby two weeks ago, and have no childcare for your other little one. I think it’s hard to do anything with a newborn so I’d give yourself a break about doing stuff for next six months.
If you can afford it, I’d get a cleaner, which makes things liveable and a babysitter for once a week.

None. Neither set of grandparents is interested and we never see them, and we hire no help.

Kids come home from school and are at home while we finish work (both WFH). That's only about an hour, though.

We take them to school. And cook all the meals and do the cleaning.

I remember having my second baby in the summer just before my first turned 3. All the usual baby and toddler groups were off for the summer. But 10 days after the birth my eldest started nursery for her free 12 hours so I was up and about dropping and collecting with a new born - barely left the house first time round for a good month!! Then after a couple of weeks a friend asked us to help out with their toddler as child care had become unavailable so as my DH was leaving for work at 7am another 3 year old was dropped with me (whilst my kids were still asleep) so I then had to sort the baby and 2 3 year olds for the nursery drop. Thanks fully the friend paid for their child to stay the full day so going back at lunch time was just to collect one. DH worked 8-8/9-9/10-10 shifts on rotations and was on public transport for work and often didn’t get home til after bed and bath was done. Some days were exhausting and the house was a permanent tip. Second maternity leave was definitely not the same as first. Harder work with a toddler. 10 years later although I’m now single and have been quite a few years.

We have no help and it’s greatly affecting our decision about having a second child. We really want too but are both so terrified we have hardly been near each other since I had my coil removed. 🙃
Well done for everything you are doing! Without comparing to yourself with the bits of other peoples peoples lives that they let you see I bet you’d be proud of yourself for having fed your family and kept them alive whilst also keeping your downstairs tidy. Go you!
a couple of things,
have you ever seen the upstairs of these people who are nailing it? Do you know how up to date with their washing they are? How many times a week they say f it and get a takeaway because they forgot to buy food that goes together.

Also, when it comes to upstairs, just pick one corner, a drawer or cupboard sort that and then stop. Don’t overwhelm yourself.

No help at all, 4 kids, both work, juggle it and the place isn’t as tidy or organised as I’d like but we try our best. Don’t worry what everyone else is doing!

One DD no longer living at home. DH and I have both taken early retirement- cleaner comes in once a week - shirts go to dry cleaner and other ironing done by cleaner. Feel a bit guilty that I gave an easy life

Hang on - you wfh but have no childcare? That's crazy. You can't work and care for small children at the same time - it's not fair on them, you or your employer. Most employers specific if you work from home you must have childcare in place. If you're working at night and do childcare in the day, you'll be exhausted.
I wouldn't class childcare as "outside help" if you're both working full time - it's not help, it's essential services to allow you to work!

You have to buy in the help you need - you can't work and also do childcare. We have no family help at all but paid for nursery from the end of maternity leave to cover the days when we were both working. Neither of our employers allows staff to work if there's a primary aged child also at home without childcare (lockdowns and covering occasional ill health excepted)

Yes, it was very expensive but tax free childcare helped (works out at 20% off) and the cost reduces once the free hours kick in.

Yabu
You can't expect to have outside help when you have a kid

You want to start a family? Then YOu need to take care of this family.
Grandparents etc are not an extra set of hands that could help out with things
They are there to enjoy an occasional visit
Etc

And I say that as a person with no outside help at all. I never resented anyone for it. Because I choose my family and I'll take care of my own family no matter how tough it is. Its the life we choose.

There are free outside help things though.
Like...mumsnet. to vent!
Haha

My parents do wrap around childcare for DS. They’ll pick him up from preschool and look after him until DH gets back from work. Otherwise we’ve done it all ourselves. Required some serious juggling during lockdown but we managed just about