To ask what "outside help" you have?

[Gemma273]

I feel like I'm literally drowning in housework, life, just everything tbh. We have 2 children and zero help whatsoever, my husband and I have juggled WFH (both of us full time) since the pandemic with our now 3 year old and I've just had a baby. I am able to do work at night that allows me lots of time with my dc during the day. I feel like everything just accumulated during this time and I can't get on top of it. Husband is very hands on with housework and kids so no faults there.
All other families we know seems to be nailing it all but my husband pretty much summed it up, all the people I've been thinking about have "outside help" - one friend has her parents come and do breakfast and dressing her 2 kids every single morning to help them out and has them overnight one night every weekend, another has her Gran do all her washing for their full family and she goes there 4 out of 7 nights for dinner. Also most of them have their children in nursery even if they don't work, just to give them a break and all of our friends kids have regular overnight stays with family at least twice a month.

I'm not really sure what I'm hoping to gain from this post but in a way wanted to vent but also to realise it is normal and most people don't have lots of help.

Gosh no wonder you're exhausted.

I'm a sahm and I have a weekly cleaner. We go to my mom's for lunch 2 or 3 days per week and then she also packs dinner for us to bring home on those days. Once a week we go to my mil's for dinner. My husband is the weekend chef and if he doesn't feel like cooking then we order takeaway or eat out.

Would you consider hiring a cleaner? It's much easier to just tidy up and clean along the way when someone else is doing the heavy lifting.

My DPs have DD (2) one day per week. DS (4) is at nursery that day. Whilst this sounds like a help, it’s really not that useful. DH has to drop DS at nursery at 9.30 (short day as it’s covered by his 30 hours), drive DD 35 mins in the opposite direction, it’s usually 10.30 by the time he can get away from DPs, so he’s rarely home before 11. Giving him approximately 5 hours before the kids return to get a full day of work done. Plus DD either doesn’t nap or naps ridiculously late (in the car at 4pm!!) so bedtimes are challenging. It would probably work out cheaper to put her in nursery that day, save the diesel, and be able to do more work (he’s self employed) but they like having her.

Other than that, any help (grandparents only) is sporadic. We are going away for our first weekend without DCs next month and it has been an utter nightmare to organise childcare between our parents!! (They are doing it and I’m very grateful but the level of disorganisation and flakiness is stressful)

I have 3 dcs , loads of family but absolutely no help in the 11 years I have been a parent , not even for ad hoc stuff , my parents are older now but would never have had any of my dcs overnight or even for an hour.

I live in Ireland and the area I live in has a huge , huge shortage of childcare, I just got an email from my wraparound saying they don’t have places (I booked them in months ago) 🤷🏻‍♀️ now after all. We have really struggled to find any help , there isn’t babysitters sites here , childminders in Ireland are pretty much all unregulated and prioritise family and friends so if you aren’t from this area you are last on every list, our friends do not do babysitting swaps, we have tried getting help in the house but found the babysitters unreliable, cancel , pull out last min , get other jobs. I’m so so glad my dcs are all older now than babies and toddlers , we can actually work a bit from home with them there.
People around me have so so much help from family, it’s genuinely like another world , it’s a huge advantage. Me and my dh are a real team and swap over constantly, I think there is such a difference though between the worlds of those with family support and those who have absolutely none.

Monday to Thursday the 2 grandparents looks after our 2 DC, they have breakfast at their house so theres no cleaning up at ours to do, i WFH so usually i get up and get the DC ready while DH gets ready, he then brings them to GPs, i then have a shower and get ready. We have a cleaner that does 2hours once a fortnight, i tidy the house and strip the beds for her coming, she puts clean bedcovers on two beds, cleans the mirrors, cleans the bathroom, downstairs toilet, hoovers, dusts and mops, it all helps so much.

I usually have time on my breaks and lunch to put a wash on or put some clothes away.
Sometimes I really look forward to a Monday as i feel like it's a chance to get my house back in order

Sometimes I really look forward to a Monday as i feel like it's a chance to get my house back in order

I'm really looking forward to next Monday for that reason!

My mum lives down the road and will have the children if I have an appt etc, but apart from that, nothing.
I don't believe in expecting family to do the work for you. You choose to have a family, it's your responsibility to deal with it - washing, cleaning, taxiing, life admin.
I wouldn't dream of asking someone else to do my laundry, and more fool those that do this sort of thing for others.

None.

Was a lone parent. Kids with additional needs. No family left.

I just had to get on with it.

@inappropriateraspberry , I hear you too, although I can be jealous I know a few grandparents, let’s be honest grandmothers who are finally retired and have brought their kids up and now back to minding kids again and I know not all are happy about it… If I am still alive and still fit by my retirement I want my time to be my own , to do things that I want to do. But I would definitely mind kids in an emergency and babysit if my dcs were exhausted and needed some support (health permitting) so I don’t relate to the never , ever offering a tiny bit or support but would also never expect people to feed and mind my children for long periods for free.

Get some childcare on the go. I know you think you can manage everything without it, but it seems you can't (not a judgement).
Due to the way I work I would sometimes pay for childminder hours I didn't need. I started using those hours eventually for the reasons you've said.
Put the inevitable guilt over the cost and perceived lack of necessity to one side and give yourself the time and space to get on top of things practically and mentally.

Remember while everyone who has family help appears to have it easier, they accept the help because they'd struggle too without it.

I hired a nanny who didn't mind throwing the vacuum round or loading the washing machine. I worked 12 hour shifts, including weekends and Christmas , so I couldn't have done it without her, or my husband who did far more childcare and housework than I ever did. We now just have a cleaner.

Im a SAHM with 3 children, Not because we are loaded but because one has SEN and his needs mean i cant work. DP works long hours 6 days a week. My mum works full time, Both of them are great and help where they can but i dont get much practical support on a day to day basis. I reached the point where i was so exhausted and felt like i was drowning in childcare, housework, shopping, washing, cleaning and caring responsibilities (the paperwork that comes with a disabled child is astonishing) that i hired a cleaner for 2 hours a week. It means all i have to do is keep on top of it throughout the week and its made a massive difference to my mental health.

I have loads of help because I live in Asia where helpers/nannies/cleaners are the norm. Some people also have drivers, gardeners etc.

I was in the UK for 18 months with no help and it was tough, even with us taking turns to be part time, using 15 hours of nursery etc. When I had my second I couldn't afford to work, despite both of us being professionals in salaried work. That was what prompted the move abroad (we had lived abroad before with just one child but didn't have help at that time).

I won't go back to the UK (or anywhere without an affordable nanny culture) until my kids are grown. I know I'm insanely lucky. I have a live-in nanny who my kids and I love to pieces. When I became a single parent (3 kids, one just a baby) I took on a second helper because the school run would have been tricky (not impossible). I just can't imagine having that option in the UK, I'd have to be very rich!

I'm not bragging, I'm saying I couldn't cope well without help and I have nothing but admiration for those who do. My sister was a single parent of 3 kids and relied on my mother for help when they were small, and now they are teens still needs my mother from time to time as she works shifts. She wouldn't be able to work without some sort of help sometimes, from family or neighbours etc.

I have two DC, one in primary school and one in pre-school. DH works FT and I work 3 days a week (term-time only) as I have a disability that makes working full time very difficult.

We don't have paid help like cleaners, gardeners etc but my DP's help with childcare.

Youngest goes to pre-school 3 days a week, and 2 of those days are my non-working days. This means that I get 6 hours to myself twice a week to sort the house out, do laundry, life admin, attend medical appointments and occasionally rest if I'm having a bad pain day.

My DM and DF look after the youngest on the 2 days a week that I am in work and he's not in preschool, and one of them will drop off/collect older DC on these days too. I realise we are very lucky to have this help. It was their idea, they both retired early so felt they needed to keep busy and they are very fit and healthy or DH and I wouldn't have agreed to it.

What does your pool guy do twice a week? We have a filter in ours that cleans the water, and husband checks the water Ph once a week and pressure cleans the tiles. Sometimes adds pool salt, that's it.
No idea what else could be cleaned?

We're gone beyond that stage now. But we had almost no family help back then - just whatever paid help we organised.

We both work FT and were fully office based up u til covid. So when Dd was small, she went to Creche near the office (so problems with the commute were ok as she was with us - not getting stressed about being late to get her). If she got sick (not infrequent!), we did a daily juggle of diaries to see who could move things for which half the day and did 1 early start, lunchtime swop, 1 late finish, and both catching up later when dd was in bed. The home person might get some done if dd napped.

We did get cleaners once a fortnight to keep the house under control. But mostly it was about us being organised.

It was expensive (and just in the housing crash too). When dd was 4.5, DH had to take a project which meant he was overseas (half the globe and min 2 flights away but luckily only 1-2 hours time difference depending on winter/summer). He spent 2 weeks there and 2 weeks here (working all 4 weeks) for 4.5 years and we did get an au pair to help with daily school drop off and 2 after school club collections per week for 3 of those years.

It was tough until Dd was responsible enough to get home herself after school (late in Y5). But we just got on with it. Lots were far worse off than us. We had routines which helped. I gave myself permission to let standards slip in certain areas as we were on our own. I did things like buy lots of clothes so dirty laundry was not so urgent midweek and could be caught up at weekends. We tried to keep takeaways to once a week max - but if they were needed, they were needed.

My priorities were to get everyone out the door in the mornings on time, everyone fed mornings and night (as healthily as possible), and to keep the kitchen and bathrooms clean. And clean clothes as needed. As I commuted by train, that's when I paid bills and set up online grocery shops. And I did a lot of reading for work at home at night to keep on top of things.

No, we live in Asia.

Husband and I work full-time with 7 and 4 year old. We have childminder for wrap around care, weekly cleaner, gardener and lawn mower. No family help as too far away. Why did you not pay for childcare for your 3 year old? Most employers wouldn't be happy if they knew you were working whilst watching a toddler. During lockdowns we did just that when childminders and schools closed and it was hell on earth.

Husband works full time, I work part time which is maybe 30 hours. One child is starting school in September and the other goes to preschool but for less hours than I work so I have to make up time with some evenings and weekends.

We are supposed to have a cleaner but we've struggled to find and keep one so haven't got one at the moment.

My parents used to help more but they don't have time anymore.

and you'll find that the responses you'll mainly get, are from people who have no help. I think those people can sometimes have a chip on his shoulder tbh and that's why they proudly like to say that.

Eh ??
Or just maybe, they are simply answering the question that the OP has asked ?

My husband and I both work full time. Two grown up DC who live away but two school age DC still at home and a dog.
We each wfh one day a week. The kids go to breakfast and after school club on the three days that we are both out of the house at work. We have a dog sitter who collects the dog and takes her to her own house and walks her twice before bringing her back at the end of the day for those 3 days. I would like a cleaner but have had 3 bad experiences now and so it's actually less hassle for us just to do a big clean on the weekend splitting the chores.
Sadly we have no family nearby to help with childcare and so we rarely get time alone together. It's been the same for the last 18 years though so we are just used to it. We take it in turns to have nights out and occasionally we will use a babysitter but not very often as it adds an extra £50 to the cost of the night out.
We have a window cleaner but do the gardening (basically just mowing the lawn ourselves as low maintenance).

No help whatsoever here. We managed 4 meals out the two of us in 7 years. It's super hard, and I feel very resentful and jealous when the neighbours daughter in law can drop her baby for a couple of hours to get her nails done (not that I'd ever pay to have my nails done, but that's not the point) . Just like that. It must be so much more relaxing to parent this way,when you know your backup is solid. I have an autistic child and my days can be very intense. My me time is often my commute to and from work!

You can’t look after your children properly and work at the same time. Assuming you are both working, your DC need to be in nursery and one of you needs to be on parental leave, caring for and bonding with the baby until they’re old enough for nursery.

No outside help here, no cleaner etc. I work 4 days, DH works 5 days. DS goes to nursery 9am - 5pm on the 4 days I work.

No good can come from looking after children while working! It’s not fair to the little ones and is not physically possible and you will run yourself into the ground. You’ve benefitted from no childcare costs to date, but suggest when your return you need to consider putting in place a proper childcare arrangement for both children. It’s the inevitable cost of having children and a job unfortunately. Great for those who have in-family help at zero cost but it needs to be factored in this is a cost of you working. You will then in turn free up some time in the evenings for the other stuff you’re not getting to. Relax and enjoy your maternity leave ! If any time where you could let things slide a little then this is it!

I never did. Hindsight I wish I had. However, I worked ft out of the home and dc went to nursery.
I'd have chucked myself under the nearest bus if I'd had to do all that I did at night and have dc full time during the day.

Single parent here, 2 kids, one has additional needs, I work part time. My house is a total bomb shell and I can’t keep on top of it ever!! I don’t have outside help regularly. My children go to their dad’s when he’s available to have them - not very often with work patterns at the moment. If I want to ‘go out’ or have an appointment they go to my mum’s but she has health issues so not a regular commitment. I’m also the main carer for my dad now as he is going downhill with his memory. He’s financially able that I’ve got him a cleaner but I still do his weekly shopping and take him to medical appointment and help with his needs as they arise. My mum is quite independent still despite her health but I obviously check in on her regularly. Although I work part time my week days are generally taken up with my own meetings I need to attend for a group I volunteer for and attempting to sort the house. I look at peoples homes on fb and despair at the constant clutter and mess in mine!! Resigned myself that this is it for the next few years.