To ask what "outside help" you have?

[Gemma273]

I feel like I'm literally drowning in housework, life, just everything tbh. We have 2 children and zero help whatsoever, my husband and I have juggled WFH (both of us full time) since the pandemic with our now 3 year old and I've just had a baby. I am able to do work at night that allows me lots of time with my dc during the day. I feel like everything just accumulated during this time and I can't get on top of it. Husband is very hands on with housework and kids so no faults there.
All other families we know seems to be nailing it all but my husband pretty much summed it up, all the people I've been thinking about have "outside help" - one friend has her parents come and do breakfast and dressing her 2 kids every single morning to help them out and has them overnight one night every weekend, another has her Gran do all her washing for their full family and she goes there 4 out of 7 nights for dinner. Also most of them have their children in nursery even if they don't work, just to give them a break and all of our friends kids have regular overnight stays with family at least twice a month.

I'm not really sure what I'm hoping to gain from this post but in a way wanted to vent but also to realise it is normal and most people don't have lots of help.

Oh OP another thing I have found to be revolutionary is - unfortunately everyone is right - have less stuff!! I took a month or so and took a room/cupboard/drawer whenever I had half an hour and decluttered it ruthlessly! Now I just need to keep on top of the clutter and rooms take 5 minutes to square up and tidy. It’s amazing and freeing! And it always takes less time than I think to declutter an area.

I work 3 days per week, one 2yo son. Husband works full time quite long hours.

Son is in nursery the 3 days I'm working. I WFH 2 days so can often do washing and meal prep.

We have a cleaner once a week for 4 hours, 3 hours cleaning and 1 hour of cooking. She makes a big bolognase or chili etc to do us 2 nights plus lots in the freezer for the toddler.

We have a local babysitter we use once or twice a month for date night or going out with friends.

We have a baby on the way and I'm looking for a mothers help type person to come on the two days my son is not in nursery so I can spend some one on one time with him and help me juggle everything when I have two of them at home.

Even though I have cleaning, some childcare and some meals prepared I still don't have any time for myself to do hobbies or exercise or whatever. All my spare time is doing family things or admin. Need to get live in help 😅

My DM lives a mile up the road and is a total mother hen, to me and to my two DSs. Cooks for us at least once a week, takes away laundry and irons it, has the DSs over night every other week. Used to be every week when they were babies. When I worked FT when my DSs were younger she had them 2 days a week as we couldn't afford more than 3 days of nursery at the time. I've never asked for the help, she just does it because she loves us and it brings her joy to help. I'm very lucky. But I'd say most of my friends who live near me also have a lot of help from their parents too.

I have just come out of a protracted period of not quite having enough (paid for) childcare to cover my FT work, and honestly the weight off is extraordinary. I have been really lucky that hybrid working plus an understanding employer plus being sufficiently experienced to juggle things has even made that viable (and to be clear, I'm talking about popping out to do a 3pm pickup 2x a week, and then working with smallish DC in the background). Discreetly keeping that window free from meetings, and then finishing getting stuff done (sometimes including meetings after I'm back from nursery run) has been horrible. I've been a slightly subpar employee and a very subpar (single) mother.

The headspace of knowing everything (work-related) is covered now is enormous. I am a less stressed, more thoughtful parent. My flat is tidier already. My finances are slowly getting better as I've had time to transfer debt, start selling stuff etc.

To the actual OP, other than the past two years (!) I've always had full time paid for childcare. I can't afford a cleaner but my flat is smallish and my standards are low-ish. For a time we had too much takeaway because cooking was the last straw i couldn't cope with. My mum has had my eldest overnight perhaps 2x a year on average since he was 2, again less frequently since March 2020 although she's had both children overnight at least once since then. She works full time though so even if it was her thing (i don't think it is) she wouldn't be able to pop round and 'do breakfast' or have them for tea or whatever. With just my eldest i quite often did a childcare swap with his good friend (also a single child of a single parent) but that's become a bit different since I had my second, plus covid changing everything, and in any case the friend goes to family abroad every school holiday so isn't around for a large chunk of the year.

It's really hard - I hope now you're on mat leave you can start to relax and do just one job (ie motherhood) at a time, it is transformative IMO.

We have a gardener and full time childcare. The rest we do ourselves. No family around. We work full time. So many people we know get help though ( cleaner and/or family)

We have a gardener 1/2 day/week, and a nanny- housekeeper 20 hours/week- 5 hours on 4 days - she does the cooking, laundry, cleaning, school pick ups and generally holds us together! And for anything else DM lives 10 minutes away. DH works FT and I work 80%

When my DD had her first, I had the baby overnight from around eight weeks old. My DD would drop her at around 7 and pick her up the next day at 11, sometimes twice a week. It gave them a break. I'd go to hers and take the baby to do her shopping and be around so I could hold the baby while she got the washing etc sorted. My GC had a bowel condition and it was hard going. She actually stayed with me when she had her second. I'd get up in the night when the baby wanted just walking/rocking. Then I'd get up early with the toddler and take the toddler out when they had their afternoon nap. I'd do the housework. I didn't take the second baby out until she was 18 months, I saw to the toddler. When I babysat I'd clean the house during the afternoon nap. I now do childcare while my DD works. I pick up nearly half of the mental load. I have the youngest every Friday overnight. My eldest DD has the older one and she has them both over Saturday night. Me and my children were brought up in a hands-on extended family, so this is our norm. I'd say that it's usual to have help in the area I live in.

We have no family help but have always paid for childcare after maternity leave (not sure how you’re coping working and looking after a toddler). I also went back to work less than full time. Youngest starting school this year but paying for wraparound clubs some days. We have a cleaner, window cleaner and gardener. We’re lucky to afford it and it means our weekends are not spent doing chores! The other option is we work less and do all that stuff ourselves but that wouldn’t make financial sense for us. It’s such a busy time with a toddler and a baby. You do need help and if it’s not from family, like most others, you have to pay for it somehow. Now you have some free nursery hours and (honestly) school is not that far off, it will get a little easier.

We have robot hoover, a cleaner, gardener and window cleaner. No family help

My top tip is to declutter ruthlessly. It's far easier to clean eg mantelpiece or kitchen surface if it's empty

I hear you OP. We are in the same position.

We have a 2 year old daughter and 11 day old son. Both sets of our parents live in other European countries and for various reasons they can't get over to help us through this newborn period. Other family either don't care, haven't offered or live too far away to help. We don't have a spare room for visitors to stay overnight either. Our friends all have young children of their own, they work and have other responsibilities.

Since having a baby 11 days ago, the most sleep I've had in any 24 hour period is 4 hours. My DP is mostly great with housework and children but I had a major meltdown the other night and he's had to step up even more as I am utterly exhausted and trying to recover from a C-section which isn't going well either.

I honestly don't know how people do it, and to think there are many single parents doing this alone, you guys are miracle workers - I can't work out how you do it!

It's all so bloody hard, at what should be one of the happiest times in any parent's life.

None.
I’m a single mum of 3, I work 2 jobs and have no family locally. My kids do see their dad, but the time they are with him I squeeze in as many shifts at work as I can - the unsociable hours that I can’t do when I have them, it pays better.
If I could afford a cleaner, I definitely would have one - just for a couple of hours a week.
Just because other people seem to have it all under control or have it worse, doesn’t mean you’re not allowed to struggle with it all! If you need help, can afford help or have it readily available, there’s no shame in utilising it!

We both work full time but child is at nursery when we are doing that, we wfh but no way we could actually work and look after child at the same time.

Nothing. Was a single parent , working full time.

(Paramedic) we have no family support at all, and I work in a job where no paid childcare exists to support the hours I work. DH WFH 4 long days per week. I have been working one 12 hour shift a week for the last 4 years, next week when DD starts reception I will be doubling my hours to 2 shifts (24 hours) a week. I am hoping I won't feel like I am out of the loop all the time and battling to keep on top of my skills, I might even start applying for promotions which are advertised as "part time hours considered" as I might not be laughed out of the interview requesting a fairly normal part time hours of 24 hours a week compared to my previous 12. I will also now meet the admissions criteria for my Masters.

Compare this to one of my colleauge who has 2 & 3 yo. He is working huge amounts of overtime on top of his and his wifes full time hours, and will often work the same time as his wife works in A&E. When they both work either set of grandparents will have them for the day and overnight before and after (early starts and late unreliable finishes).

The unsocial hours side of the NHS and emergency services would cease to function without grandparents, as many more would be like me and have to put their career on tread-water for 5 years+ (we get pulled off the emregency work as soon as we are pregnant) so it is that long, even with just one kid, since I last worked a proper number of hours.

But life isn't fair, and there is not much I can do about it. We chose to live a long way from family, my DF died when I was pregnant, and my mother isn't a nice person.

My only advice OP is to look at you finances and see if you can afford part time hours, or to pay for help either cleaners or childcare, although now is probably not the time for dramatic changes to finances unfortunately.

My husband lived and worked in a different country when mine were that age.

I used a nursery to go to work. Nursery per hour is cheaper than cleaning and has the benefit that your house doesnt end up in such a mess either as tge messy actuvities and somevmeals are there. but obviously you need more hours.

I do sympathise with people who don't have family to help out. And definitely with people who had to work from home with young kids in lockdown. But this isn't the issue.

People who work full time pay for childcare while they're working. You don't just drop them off for free. Obviously if they didn't there would be thousands of people in your situation. It's not sustainable or reasonable to do this...therefore people don't! I think your situation is on you.

Don't worry too much about housework on mat leave and try not to compare to others.

None. No family or friends to have them. Grandparents have barely had them longer than 2 hours 2 times in their lives and the DC are teens.
It's hard sometimes the house is a mess and sometimes I'd take a day leave to clean or tidy the house in school hours.
But to be honest I just get on with it.
Maybe the organised mum method would work for you? Each work day has a set room to tidy and clean and a time limit.

I have never had outside help, but tbh, your friends sound like a nightmare! Having your parents come round each day to dress your children. Unless they are disabled and require the help (then I take back my comment) - I feel embarrassed for them!

Only time we had help was when DD was young and I had pneumonia. DH arranged for MIL to look after DD while I rested, but she ended up taking me to doctor. After that my own DM came around for 2-3 hours a day for three days I think, picking up shopping and making sure I had a drink - not really any help with DD though. I had pneumonia again when she was around nine and got no help then.

I'm on my own with my 3 year old grandson who's lived with me since he was 9 months old

None of my friends have babies/toddlers so they've all disappeared and due to my age my family aren't best placed to help, my Mum's well into her 70's I try to look after her too

So I get NO help at all but raising my grandson was my decision I didn't have to do it, I'll just crack on

We have a gardener but that's it. I've never had any other help even when I was a single parent and worked full time. At one time I helped other parents by taking in ironing and doing it at weekends. For a fee.

I did have childcare help from my mum when the children were small. She didn't do housework though.

I felt the same as you and recently got a cleaner to come in once a week. It's honestly been life-changing.

It's easy to keep on top of the little things, and such a weight off to get the kitchen, bathroom and beds done once a week.

I was exhausted and spending my entire life and all my energy either cleaning or feeling uncomfortable with the mess - no time to sit and relax and put my mind to anything else. I'd never had a cleaner before so it felt really odd but I would never look back now. I can actually think about other things and feel like a human rather than a 24/7 housekeeper.

(Will add I am a single parent with no family help. I did have someone help with childcare for 3 hours 3x per week when youngest was a baby, but not anymore.)

No none paid help here either. Nursery, wrap round day care for school and a cleaner kept us sane. I knew loads of people who had grannies and aunts on tap and not only got weekday childcare, but weekends away and I was jealous.