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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask what "outside help" you have?

213 replies

Gemma273 · 28/08/2022 21:20

I feel like I'm literally drowning in housework, life, just everything tbh. We have 2 children and zero help whatsoever, my husband and I have juggled WFH (both of us full time) since the pandemic with our now 3 year old and I've just had a baby. I am able to do work at night that allows me lots of time with my dc during the day. I feel like everything just accumulated during this time and I can't get on top of it. Husband is very hands on with housework and kids so no faults there.
All other families we know seems to be nailing it all but my husband pretty much summed it up, all the people I've been thinking about have "outside help" - one friend has her parents come and do breakfast and dressing her 2 kids every single morning to help them out and has them overnight one night every weekend, another has her Gran do all her washing for their full family and she goes there 4 out of 7 nights for dinner. Also most of them have their children in nursery even if they don't work, just to give them a break and all of our friends kids have regular overnight stays with family at least twice a month.

I'm not really sure what I'm hoping to gain from this post but in a way wanted to vent but also to realise it is normal and most people don't have lots of help.

OP posts:
1stTimeMama · 28/08/2022 21:52

I have no outside help, 5 children who are home educated, husband works abroad BUT I don't work. There's no way I could fit that in.

Heronwatcher · 28/08/2022 21:55

I should also say that yes we took maternity/ paternity leave (I did 8 months my DH did the rest). I agree that having no childcare at all is going to make it difficult even though we only had childcare for when we were actually working.
If you’re looking for tips (you might not be), I agree you could both take a few days off, have a good clear out of the house and rationalise your stuff, try to get on top of laundry and some cooking at the weekends (batch cooking etc), and streamline as much as you can- so your DD eats the same food as you (and baby does when they are old enough), no cooking multiple meals, and not all clothes need to be washed every time you wear them.

Luredbyapomegranate · 28/08/2022 21:56

Gemma273 · 28/08/2022 21:50

Sorry just to clarify, I am now finished up for work on maternity leave so not working at present, had baby 2 weeks ago. We have however juggled working full time with the 3 year old up until I stopped for mat leave and 1 week ago she got her 3 year funded place at nursery so hoping things will ease a bit now. We literally never stop but it never seems enough and I have lowered my standards greatly, downstairs is relatively tidy and stays tidy but if anyone went upstairs in my house I'd be mortified, it's a tip and my mission to get it sorted now wee one is at nursery.

Well when you go back I would seriously get a CM or crèche for the little one, at least 3 days a week. Life will be more manageable if you can work more Normal hours.

bert3400 · 28/08/2022 21:58

We have a cleaner 6 hours every week, we also have a gardener and pool guy twice a week , we also have a dog walker twice a week.....our house/garden is huge and we could not manage to maintain it while working FT. If you can afford help I would get it, it alleviates so much stress and makes for a happier home. We don't live in the uk

Candleabra · 28/08/2022 21:59

You can’t wfh and look after your children. If I was your employer I’d be seriously pissed off. You need proper childcare when you get back from mat leave

Classicblunder · 28/08/2022 21:59

We both work and therefore have childcare for those days. We have a cleaner once a week and ad hoc gardening when it gets very overgrown. We also outsource basically all home maintenance. No free help or overnight stays with family etc.

I still find it quite full on and our house would be a tip if we didn't have a cleaner.

Classicblunder · 28/08/2022 22:01

When did you sleep if you usually worked at night and looked after your child during the day?

Runaround50 · 28/08/2022 22:02

Myself and OH had zero help when the kids were little.
My family were too far away and OHs are dead.
I was battling breast cancer at the time.
I paid the local nursery to take DD whilst I looked after DS.
Housework was done to a basic standard.
Then OH developed a heart condition. We had to get on with it unfortunately.

SuperlativeOxymoron · 28/08/2022 22:04

I already knew we were lucky, reading some of these replies has seriously reinforced that knowledge.

Dh and I work full time (him hybred with home being his biggest base, me term time)

Ds goes to nursery 2x a week and to grandparents 3x

So really only childcare support, do you both just work from home full time and not send the children to nursery? Please do it, you will feel like you can achieve more outside of your working hours.

wibblywobblybits · 28/08/2022 22:05

Hang on, I'm confused. Before having DC2 you worked full time and also took care of a toddler full time? Did your work know about this! How on earth was that allowed?

LBOCS2 · 28/08/2022 22:05

Childcare so we can work. I WFH and my DC are 9 and 6 - and they still go to after school club as it enables me to properly concentrate on what I'm meant to be doing; I find it very distracting to have them around (or even break up my day at 3pm to go and collect them).

Before we moved into our doer-upper in 2019 we had a cleaner; we're getting to the point where we could have one again I think. I occasionally get a gardener in to do a good tidy up of the garden when it gets a bit much - every 6mo or so.

When you go back you need childcare and lower standards - and a fortnightly cleaner to do the 'bigger' bits helps ease the pressure too (bathrooms and bed changing were the things we needed doing, the rest we managed on a daily basis!)

iwishiwasafish · 28/08/2022 22:10

Working full time without any kind of childcare is not the norm for the majority of people. In fact many jobs specify that if you are working for home you are not, while working, the primary carer for your child.

ldontWanna · 28/08/2022 22:12

None and OH works away during the week.

But I only have one child and very low standards.Grin

LafayetteCwenchinglyMcQuaffen · 28/08/2022 22:15

In my opinion you need childcare whilst you are working. It's not fair on your children, or you. My mental health has never been so bad as when DH and I were trying to juggle WFH and childcare during lockdown.
We have a cleaner 2 hours/week, shortly reducing this to fortnightly as mortgage has increased. Otherwise no other help. Family live hundreds of miles away.

Hedonism · 28/08/2022 22:16

iwishiwasafish · 28/08/2022 22:10

Working full time without any kind of childcare is not the norm for the majority of people. In fact many jobs specify that if you are working for home you are not, while working, the primary carer for your child.

Exactly this. One of the (many) awful things to come out of the pandemic years is that wfh with small children seems to be something that people now try to do. It doesn't work and is not fair on anyone as a long term solution.

Meandmini3 · 28/08/2022 22:18

3DC and no outside help with the children other than nursery on our work days and school. We have a gardener but no cleaner or family help.

Abcdefgh1234 · 28/08/2022 22:20

I dont have any helps despite my MIL libing next to us. She just pain in the ass. I’ve got 2 DC and SAHM. My husband working a lot so not very hands on. I do everything by myself. My husband is busy man but we are fortunate enough to have very healthy income every month. I could afford cleaner but i dont like stranger to clean my house.

QueenofLouisiana · 28/08/2022 22:21

Dogwalker on days when I can’t WFH, I am allowed to do paperwork at home a couple of times a week.
No childcare needed as child is 17.
weaning us off an unhealthy reliance on eating out/ takeaways (and saving money) by experimenting with Gousto boxes. Pleased so far.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 28/08/2022 22:21

One of the (many) awful things to come out of the pandemic years is that wfh with small children seems to be something that people now try to do. It doesn't work and is not fair on anyone as a long term solution.

Couldn't agree more. Trying to wfh whilst children under about 10/11 are at home is a terrible idea and not good for anyone. My mental health was also, like a pp, terrible in the pandemic trying to wfh with children (my youngest was 6 at the time) around. Not fair on them either.

Working at night when you’re caring for children all day is also terrible for your physical and mental health. You need childcare whilst you’re working. Definitely.

I won’t wfh with my 8 yo here in the holidays, if there’s any time when he’s with me (holidays split 50:50 with exh) and I’m not on annual leave I book a holiday club. Or occasionally as mentioned up thread we do stay with family, but more often use a holiday club. It’s worth paying for to me.

Crankley · 28/08/2022 22:22

I assume your employers were unaware of you WFH and caring for a 3 year old. I doubt they would be happy.

Hesma · 28/08/2022 22:23

Just me and 2x DD, no help apart from they go to Dad every other weekend.

shazzybazzy34 · 28/08/2022 22:24

Never had an ounce of help.

Scepticalwotsits · 28/08/2022 22:25

Zip Nadda from friends or family. We use breakfast club when we need to go to the office and after school as well. We book two days each week for this and have to take them or we lose the spots

vincettenoir · 28/08/2022 22:25

I feel the same way as you sometimes. I know lots of couples who’s parents are in their 70s and bankroll them and give them loads of free childcare and other support. It must be so much easier for parents that have that level of assistance.

I think you have had a particularly difficult situation though. Working full time with a toddler must have been impossible. I think preschool will give your family some breathing space.

Nightmanagerfan · 28/08/2022 22:27

Two DC - 3 and almost 1. I’m still on maternity leave and my eldest goes to nursery three days a week. We pay for a fortnightly cleaner, as well as paying for help in the garden and with jobs around the house when we need it. We pay a local sixth former for odd jobs if need be, eg weeding the front driveway.

I do get lots done on nursery days, and managed more before the youngest started crawling.