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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask what "outside help" you have?

213 replies

Gemma273 · 28/08/2022 21:20

I feel like I'm literally drowning in housework, life, just everything tbh. We have 2 children and zero help whatsoever, my husband and I have juggled WFH (both of us full time) since the pandemic with our now 3 year old and I've just had a baby. I am able to do work at night that allows me lots of time with my dc during the day. I feel like everything just accumulated during this time and I can't get on top of it. Husband is very hands on with housework and kids so no faults there.
All other families we know seems to be nailing it all but my husband pretty much summed it up, all the people I've been thinking about have "outside help" - one friend has her parents come and do breakfast and dressing her 2 kids every single morning to help them out and has them overnight one night every weekend, another has her Gran do all her washing for their full family and she goes there 4 out of 7 nights for dinner. Also most of them have their children in nursery even if they don't work, just to give them a break and all of our friends kids have regular overnight stays with family at least twice a month.

I'm not really sure what I'm hoping to gain from this post but in a way wanted to vent but also to realise it is normal and most people don't have lots of help.

OP posts:
Okeydoky · 28/08/2022 22:28

No regular family help as they're too far away. But we prioritise buying in help over a lot of other things. So we have childcare when we work, a cleaner that comes several times a week, a gardener etc.

chopc · 28/08/2022 22:38

If you can afford it, outsource as much as possible. My kids are a lot older but whilst they are not dependent on me for care, they make more mess and eat more. I have a housekeeper/ cleaner twice a week (large house), a gardener twice a month and get a handyman in to do odd jobs around the house. The biggest headache for me is the food. Even if we menu plan it doesn't always work out. Did try Gousto but again didn't work for us. I know the solution will be to tell the kids to make whatever they like with what we have in the fridge/ freezer but I feel I should do it as their mum .....

JackandSam · 28/08/2022 22:40

Cleaner does 4 hours per week. Also full time child care (nursery/ wrap around care), but that's for when I'm working.

Currently trying to employ a "mother's help" for some laundry and child care help.

MissingNashville · 28/08/2022 22:46

I was a SAHM when our children were young so no childcare. If I had worked at home, it wouldn’t have been possible without some sort of childcare.

We’ve always had a cleaner, but she does lots of other random bits for us too, she’s been known to walk our dogs, take them to the vet, has taken deliveries, made our kids dinner. She is amazing and we love her.

Lovetogarden2022 · 28/08/2022 22:47

I'm self employed and my dh works full time. My parents have my daughter once a week, sometimes twice, but that was only once she was 1. I too found (find!) the housework and working and general life very overwhelming and that's with 5-10 hours a week of childcare.
My DH also pointed out to me that most of the families I was comparing with had A LOT of help.
Obviously nothing wrong with it, but I do think it's disingenuous when they aren't upfront about it and have you thinking that they're struggling along just like you are.
I know families who've never taken the plastic cover off their washing machine and dryer as their families do all their laundry for them. Other families who have meals delivered to them by family members. One woman who's a mutual friend, her parents arrive most Saturday and Sunday mornings and spend the entire day cleaning the house, sorting the garden, cleaning the windows, doing DIY around the house etc. To add as well, this woman has a cleaner, gardener, handyman and childcare and lots of disposable income should any unforeseen issues arrive and she still had the nerve to tell me how it was such a struggle being a mum whilst I had no help at all and about £20 in my bank account.
Sending lots of love and support to you

FindingMeno · 28/08/2022 22:48

My parents were wonderful help when my dc's were little and I was at work.
Other than that, I don't even have a window cleaner.

RoseMartha · 28/08/2022 22:50

when my girls were that age none. I was lucky if my then husband emptied the bin and mowed the grass.

Not that I have any now either. The girls have mh and sn so pretty much I do it all.

Hiphophippityskip1 · 28/08/2022 22:50

No outside help, no family help or childcare ever. 3 kids plus 2 steps. Getting our house super organised and teaching everyone that we are a team and must all help out from as young an age as possible helped too. Regular decluttering stops the mess building up too

worriedniece · 28/08/2022 22:52

Do your employers know that you don't use childcare?

SallyWD · 28/08/2022 22:54

We've never had any outside help with childcare whatsoever. Our families live hundreds of miles away. The only outside help we have is a cleaner who comes once a week.

Summerfun54321 · 28/08/2022 22:54

You had a baby 2 weeks ago and up until then were juggling full time work with no childcare. Give yourself a break and stop being so hard on yourself. There’s going to be a few more chores with 2 children but you now have a lot more time on your hands to tackle it. Relax and enjoy spending time with your baby, congratulations.

ginghamstarfish · 28/08/2022 22:54

For the first time in my life - we have a man come to cut the grass. We are in a rental for 6 months while buying a house, and there is no shed or anywhere to put s lawnmower so ours is in storage. Old chap knocked on the door and said he'd been doing it for the landlord and asked if we wanted him to continue. He's 88 and does this full time! Charges £8 which seems like a bargain.

SassyPants87 · 28/08/2022 22:56

If you can afford it a cleaner is a god send! Me and my husband defo would have got a divorce by now if we hadn’t hired a cleaner! 😂

autienotnaughty · 28/08/2022 22:57

No help here, ds goes to after school club when I work.

Canthave2manycats · 28/08/2022 23:06

Never had any help. Families were too far away and my parents both died when our three children were 2/3-9. FIL died just after our youngest was born but he had zero interest in them anyway. MIL didn't really bother with them much either - she was all about SIL's boy. Consequently they weren't upset when she passed away when eldest was 15.

Couldn't afford cleaners/gardeners/window cleaners while we were paying through the nose for childcare. Due to the age gaps, we needed childcare for 18 years - just in time for uni to hit!!

We got through it - somehow! - we were lucky because our kids were seldom sick. If they were, we had to split it between us. When they got too old for childcare while still too young to leave home alone, I took unpaid leave in the summer.

They are all grown up now but we still haven't got over the financial hangover. Maybe before we retire...

KarmaComma · 28/08/2022 23:07

No help from family, if that's what you're asking?

Before school age, we both worked full time and we paid for nursery care for the kids. Never had free childcare, nor weekend/overnight childcare.

Sounds utterly impossible to do 2 FT jobs as well as FT care of child, though.

TokyoTen · 28/08/2022 23:08

We didn't have help from family- either unable to or too far away. But we've always have had a cleaner and I keep the house very tidy. Everything has a place, I won't buy anything unless I know where it will live, I chuck/donate regularly.

FabFitFifties · 28/08/2022 23:09

None

Flubber88 · 28/08/2022 23:22

If you cannot cope why have another baby?

BogRollBOGOF · 28/08/2022 23:26

No external help. Family not local and of the wrong lifestages anyway, either too young and working FT or elderly and frail.

We used nursery/ afterschool club until they were 4/6 but DH had a phase of a lot of work abroad and my job was too demanding to do everything solo so I left. DS1 coped with nursery but hated wrap around care which we now know was due to SNs. My job gave because the situation was not happy/ healthy/ sustainable.

Very occasionally/ dire emergencies I've got some friends nearby, but their lives are busy too. Most people around here seem to have local, sprightly, freshly retired, interested grandparents on the scene so use them for back up so there's no requiting of favours.

It's nice now the DCs are getting older and on the cusp of developing a little independence so don't have to be glued to me for everything.

Young children/ work require appropriate childcare arrangements.

CheesyChipsOnWembleyWay · 28/08/2022 23:30

All the help we had when the kids were babies was paid for. No grandparents, and were were/are carers for extended family members.

We are luckily in that our wonderful childminder has stepped into the aunty role where family didn't bother. Still do everything ourselves as I wouldn't want to take the piss.

It takes a lot of organising. kids have varying activities after school 3 days a week, plus most weekends. So long as kitchen, bathrooms and beds are clean, anything else gets done when it gets done.

Kite22 · 28/08/2022 23:33

NuffSaidSam · 28/08/2022 21:24

Are you saying you both work full time and use no childcare? That's not normal or healthy.

This ^

I mean, we didn't have the luxury of parents who took the children, and we couldn't afford things like cleaners or gardeners or decorators when the dc were little, but obviously we paid for childcare when we were at work.

If we went out in the evening, we paid for a babysitter then as well.

Whycantibetangy · 28/08/2022 23:49

No family support, we had a combo of childminders, nursery then school and after school/holiday clubs. The cost was more than our mortgage and it was HARD! Its easier now they are teens and childcare no longer required.
Hang in there OP

CuddlesAndChocolate · 28/08/2022 23:58

I started threads before on something similar and you'll find that the responses you'll mainly get, are from people who have no help. I think those people can sometimes have a chip on his shoulder tbh and that's why they proudly like to say that.

Well I will do the reverse and say that we do get help from my mum. She helps with some childcare so we can work and will occasionally do some washing.

I'm not proud to admit that I do struggle as a parent sometimes and need the help. Dh and I both have clinical mental health conditions, we both work in responsible roles and our eldest has sen.

In all honesty, my mum is incredible and we'd be lost without her.

NewYorkLassie · 29/08/2022 00:13

All the help we have we pay for. Parents live too far away to help regularly (the closest are 3 hours away) but will help the odd occasion if pre arranged (e.g. when our nanny is on holiday).

How are you both planning to work FT with two kids at home?

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