To ask what "outside help" you have?

[Gemma273]

I feel like I'm literally drowning in housework, life, just everything tbh. We have 2 children and zero help whatsoever, my husband and I have juggled WFH (both of us full time) since the pandemic with our now 3 year old and I've just had a baby. I am able to do work at night that allows me lots of time with my dc during the day. I feel like everything just accumulated during this time and I can't get on top of it. Husband is very hands on with housework and kids so no faults there.
All other families we know seems to be nailing it all but my husband pretty much summed it up, all the people I've been thinking about have "outside help" - one friend has her parents come and do breakfast and dressing her 2 kids every single morning to help them out and has them overnight one night every weekend, another has her Gran do all her washing for their full family and she goes there 4 out of 7 nights for dinner. Also most of them have their children in nursery even if they don't work, just to give them a break and all of our friends kids have regular overnight stays with family at least twice a month.

I'm not really sure what I'm hoping to gain from this post but in a way wanted to vent but also to realise it is normal and most people don't have lots of help.

We have no help from family. DS goes to nursery but just for the hours I work so there's no 'spare' time. While WFH I'll do a wash/sort a dinner in the slow cooker or run round with the hoover whilst on my lunch break. Planning is key, doing meals that do a couple of nights etc.

On weekends/evenings, DH and I alternate who's doing childcare and who's doing chores. One does bedtime routine, the other does dishes/sorts lunches/puts food delivery away/tidies up etc. Divide and conquer.

Can you pay for help, cleaner child minder etc

We have no help. I cope by prioritising and lowering my standards. Clean clothes and cooking from scratch are high priority, dusting and tidying are not. It’s not ideal but the best I can manage at this point.

I feel for you. My mum was amazing when my DC were small. DH family live too far away. Mum died a while back and my ‘mothers load’ to quote Motherland is now enormous, what with work on top.I don’t have a cleaner or gardener ans sometimes it feels like endless chores are all we do.

None on a day to day basis.
My best friend would help in an emergency, but that's it.

2 kids under 8. Both working 4 days a week, high pressure jobs but reasonably flexible. No family support (both sets of parents died early), cleaner once a fortnight. Ad hoc babysitting when we go out. Children in school and do clubs maybe 2x a week each which we have to take them to. They have done after school club once a week at times when we needed to work longer hours but not doing that now. The kids were also in nursery mostly 8.30- 5.30 3 days a week before they started school, but my DH and I worked at those times.

I’m a single mum, just for context.

Do we include paid help here? I have a cleaner once a week and Ds (8) goes to a CM after school as I work full time.

My family don’t live near by. We do sometimes go and stay during the holidays, and sometimes I work during that time with my parents looking after the kids.

We have childcare for when we work, and a cleaner for 3 hours every other week

We have a small garden that's not too bad to maintain thankfully

Why don't you use a childminder or a nursery? That seems bizarre everyone I know does

Are your kids in childcare ?

No help, DC1 is 10 this year and they've never stayed at GPs without us.

Friends will occasionally do babysit swaps. DH and I usually manage 2 or 3 nights out together a year if we're lucky.

We used to have a cleaner 1 hour a week but it ended up being stressful trying to tidy in time for cleaning and they weren't very good.

I've realised a huge part of staying on top of things is having less stuff, and sacrificing family time in order to clean and tidy. It also doesn't help that DH works long hours so we probably lose 2 hours a day of "man hours" compared to average.

This, as well as having DC with extra needs, means we just can't carve out enough time to declutter properly, and our children are very sentimental and cry if we get rid of any crappy toy or even pieces of paper! So it all has to be done when they aren't there.... But they always are.

None. I'm a lone parent, been on my own since DC was a baby, no family help. Always worked, done all cooking and housework. I managed because I had to. DC is teen now so it's easier in terms of housework and childcare but harder emotionally.

Are you on maternity leave or are you trying to work around looking after a baby and a toddler? Because that would be madness.

You need childcare while you are working. What you are doing is not sustainable.
Prior to covid the idea of wfh with 2 preschool kids is unheard of. It was nessesary during lockdown but not a sustainable model.

Outside of nursery while working we have no outside help.

We have no help whatsoever. 3 kids and both WFH full time. Haven't had a night out together since 2017. My parents are both dead and my husbands are so uninterested, I've given up on them. We saw them in February this yr after we pestered/begged them to come out for a meal. Haven't seen them since. They are too busy with my SILs kids looking after them most weekends as SIL is in recovery for Alcoholism, (2 yrs sober) .
My kids don't even ask about them any more, they have no contact with them, not even a phone call or text.
It is what is, it's never going to change, but its overwhelming sometimes to think we are completely and utterly on our own if anything were to happen and we needed help with something.

I'm a sahm to 2 young children and dh works full time in a stressful nhs job.

Zero family nearby to help. I have friends who I can ask for occasional childcare but obviously nothing regular as they all have young kids themselves (and I am always happy to return the favour).

As our youngest is a baby we have cleaners but it's literally only for 60-90 mins a month.

That's it! I often feel like it's very much just dh and me with the kids which can be hard but I adore my life the way it is and am very happy and tired.

I have no support network from friends or family. I do have a cleaner although she now is more house keeper and helps me with whatever I need for 7hrs a week ( more if i ask nicely). I am self-employed and work from home. Dh works shifts. We pay her extra for babysitting. I also have a babysitter if I need. In the past I have pay for a service wash or ironing to be done but I try not to as its expensive. I have shopping delivered especially in school holidays. If I had a garden I would have a gardener.
Out source as much as you can afford. We dont drink and not had holiday abroad for a few years. Just keep it hush as people judge.
I have four kids 8, 5, 1 and 2months. I couldn't leave work as self employed meant I lose customers.
I was talking to a similar parent the other day. They had lots of outside help. They said why make life more stressful then needed. It made me feel tonnes better.
My advice is see what you need in your life and how much it costs. Then if you can do it.

You need childcare.

We had childcare (paid for) and a cleaner when the kids were small.

My Mum is on the end of the M1 if it's crisis point (DS1 blue lighted to hospital, DH 5000 miles away, she dropped everything to look after DS2).

Nothing except Mum in a crisis now kids are old enough to help with cleaning and can watch TV by themselves while DH works from home.

3 children all teens now and we never had any outside help. Closest family hundreds of miles away and we see them every few months. When the children were younger our neighbour would babysit a few times a year. No cleaner either thank god. It's fine, hard work but child always are IMO.
It sounds like you are being very hard on yourself OP.

Yes this is what I was going to ask. If this is the case get some childcare can you?! You will get a lot more done.

and a cleaner, in an ideal world

Same here.

No outside help here. I'm in Ireland.

Our schools don't provide school breakfast clubs, school dinners or after school clubs either.

We also have to look after children during 10 week summer holidays too without holiday camps so I'm currently not working as I can't do both.

My career is non existent now.

Sorry just to clarify, I am now finished up for work on maternity leave so not working at present, had baby 2 weeks ago. We have however juggled working full time with the 3 year old up until I stopped for mat leave and 1 week ago she got her 3 year funded place at nursery so hoping things will ease a bit now. We literally never stop but it never seems enough and I have lowered my standards greatly, downstairs is relatively tidy and stays tidy but if anyone went upstairs in my house I'd be mortified, it's a tip and my mission to get it sorted now wee one is at nursery.

Everyone who I know who can afford outside help has it. People who can't don't but it means they either are very very organised or it's all chaos and stress. I've only seen the chaos and stress version myself.

We have 3DC and no help ever. I do envy those with parents who help with childcare and general support.

We have no support if there is an emergency. Hence needing two babysitters.
Oh and I did juggle my job round my kids without nursery before covid. So it can be done.