Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask what "outside help" you have?

213 replies

Gemma273 · 28/08/2022 21:20

I feel like I'm literally drowning in housework, life, just everything tbh. We have 2 children and zero help whatsoever, my husband and I have juggled WFH (both of us full time) since the pandemic with our now 3 year old and I've just had a baby. I am able to do work at night that allows me lots of time with my dc during the day. I feel like everything just accumulated during this time and I can't get on top of it. Husband is very hands on with housework and kids so no faults there.
All other families we know seems to be nailing it all but my husband pretty much summed it up, all the people I've been thinking about have "outside help" - one friend has her parents come and do breakfast and dressing her 2 kids every single morning to help them out and has them overnight one night every weekend, another has her Gran do all her washing for their full family and she goes there 4 out of 7 nights for dinner. Also most of them have their children in nursery even if they don't work, just to give them a break and all of our friends kids have regular overnight stays with family at least twice a month.

I'm not really sure what I'm hoping to gain from this post but in a way wanted to vent but also to realise it is normal and most people don't have lots of help.

OP posts:
Fupoffyagrasshole · 29/08/2022 00:25

Zero help all our family live in a different country

we stay on top of it ourselves ! We declutter very regularly - old toys / baby things given away as soon as not needed anymore
sort or have a one in one out thing with a lot of stuff 😂

a load of laundry a day and we fold the dry laundry while watching tv in the evening on the sofa and put it away before bed ! So it never gets out of control really

then we use the organised mum method for rest of the cleaning so husband and I blast a room in about 20 mins each evening!

we batch cook on a Sunday then have heaps of food in the freezer so don’t have to stress about dinner always have something handy and that saves time after Work

with toys and stuff belonging to daughter I have an ikea toy until my thing and we literally Chuck everything that’s lying around into the boxes and back in unit after she’s in bed and the rooms tidy then

send the robot hoover round most evenings after dinner too so place stays somewhat clean 😂

antelopevalley · 29/08/2022 00:31

No outside help. Did use paid childcare though when they were younger.

caringcarer · 29/08/2022 00:38

I am a foster carer so work full time with child with send but used to teach full time in secondary too. I find I manage workload much better now just working in house and driving dgc around.

bosher · 29/08/2022 00:39

We moved overseas when our DC were 2 and 5 months old and have had no free help since then.

The DC were in nursery while we worked and now they are both at school and have some wrap around care. It was very expensive and DH had to work weekends so that he could have 2 days off in the week to reduce the childcare costs. In the early days a couple of kind colleagues did do some babysitting for us now and then but this was not a regular occurrence and was only because they felt sorry for us as we were so frazzled.

Now that they are at school and we know some of the school parents, we have a reciprocal agreement with another school mum who is on her own with kids of a similar age and will do a child swap once a month so that we get a break. We also do this over the school holidays to keep costs down but during the toddler years when this was not possible, it was relentless!

We have a cleaner once a fortnight which helps and we use a meal prep service like Hello Fresh three days a week so that we don't really have to think about meal planning on those days.

We now WFH some of the week and tag team so that we do not WFH on the same days which allows us flexibility in picking the DC up and taking them to various activities etc.

It was really hard in the early days as it felt like everyone else had some type of outside help from grandparents and other family members. It does get easier as the children get older but the baby and toddler years without help are a challenge.

Mumwithsons · 29/08/2022 00:42

No outside help at all. Would love a cleaner! My mother needs my help, not the other way around. Single parent and working mum too for most of my children’s lives.

SarahAndQuack · 29/08/2022 00:47

I only have one child. We've never had help in terms of casual babysitting - family are too far away. Once my mum had DD for two days when I was working, and once she had her for a half day when I had a job interview. When I was working full time my mum paid for two afternoons for DD to be in nursery, and that was lovely. We just realised that we couldn't manage with both of us working full time. Since DD started school, I've been working three days and week and DP is full time (realistically, she works six days and sometimes seven). It's made a huge difference. I think it is incredibly hard when both of you work full time, and you are doing an amazing thing.

Gooseysgirl · 29/08/2022 01:01

Very little help here, we both work full time and use wrap around childcare for the kids who are both school going. Our lovely BIL occasionally helps us out with school pick ups and we deeply appreciate it. We have a cleaning lady who comes once a fortnight and I will make many other sacrifices before I will give her up!!!

Smileandtheworldsmileswithyou · 29/08/2022 05:18

We have a cleaner who works every day, a live in nanny and a driver to do the nursery runs with our eldest. The youngest is at home with the nanny. We both work full time but this means we don't ever have to do any domestic chores at all, apart from cooking, which we enjoy. I sometimes do a small bit of washing up but thats it.

chopc · 29/08/2022 05:40

@Smileandtheworldsmileswithyou are you in UK?

Josette77 · 29/08/2022 05:48

Single mom, no support BUT I find being hyperorganized helps. My ds has complex special needs and is often home with me, so I try to have my house as organized and uncluttered as possible. Otherwise I would feel too overwhelmed. Getting rid of excess belongings is my recommendation for your home. It will be way easier to maintain!!

TheBatwoman · 29/08/2022 05:51

We don’t have regular outside help with our twins, just the odd bit of babysitting from kind family/friends who take pity on us. We didn’t expect to either mind, as our parents aren’t local. Plus they did their time with us!

Binkybix · 29/08/2022 05:54

That sounds like a lot on your plate - I found working at home during lock down very stressful work 2 of us working full time and 2 under 5 at home.

You sound like you do a lot! We had help from family when ours were small (ad hoc, not regular but they were very hands on and would do a couple of nights in a row), plus a childminder. It made so much difference!

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 29/08/2022 06:54

What does your employer think about you juggling WFH and childcare? (I can’t imagine mine being very happy if I took a three year old into all the classes that I teach on a daily basis).

Rinatinabina · 29/08/2022 06:58

No family help or babysitting options. We have nursery and a cleaner. Tbh I’m not surprised you feel overwhelmed, trying to care for a toddler while working (and pregnant) must have been really hard.

Pipsquiggle · 29/08/2022 07:00

No family nearby.

2 DS both in separate primary schools - which is an absolute ball ache. We moved to a new area when oldest was in Yr2. Catchment usurps siblings.

We both work full time

We have a cleaner and part time nanny (drop off /pick up). A third of my wage pays for this.

When I didn't work, I didn't have the above but did everything when DC were at nursery /school

It's hard. If I had to make a choice between nanny and cleaner, I would probably choose cleaner (but my DC are slightly older now)

Cait73 · 29/08/2022 07:01

Whataboutno · 28/08/2022 21:35

We have no help but have low standards, very low 😁😅

This really helps lol

TeddyisMydog · 29/08/2022 07:02

4 kids. Me and my partner both work, I'm currently working 2 jobs. No outside help

echobunnies · 29/08/2022 07:03

We don’t have any family help but do use childcare (youngest is at nursery, eldest is now at school + after school club twice a week).

There’s no way I could work if I didn’t have childcare, even with a fairly flexible job. I’d go crackers!

I do know what you mean about feeling envious of those with family help, I do know some people whose parents help out a lot. I’d really like to do the same for my own children if they have kids as it must make such a difference.

PinkButtercups · 29/08/2022 07:06

My family all live close by but don't have outside help. Id never expect my mum to help with breakfast or do my washing. Your friends sound like CF tbh's!

PinkButtercups · 29/08/2022 07:07

Not sure why it added the s!

MassiveSalad22 · 29/08/2022 07:07

3 kids, 7, 4 and 4 months.

No help other than nursery 2 days but he’s starting school now.

My parents have had each of the older to stay twice and once respectively, separately so I still have the other one to look after, and that’s twice/once in the kids’ whole lives. So yes nice for the kids but I wouldn’t class that as ‘outside help’.

No cleaner although once a year will get a gardener in to come and chop the weeds and hedges back. Did have a cleaner for about 6 months once but didn’t like it.

FIL lives very close but is toxic. MIL is in a home.

MassiveSalad22 · 29/08/2022 07:08

(Should add that I am happy with our arrangement and anyone coming round to help in the morning would no doubt get in the way and piss me off and make me feel incapable 😄 DH very hands on when he’s here!)

tealandteal · 29/08/2022 07:09

Both DH and I worked full time and studied up until June when I finished my studies and went on May leave. DS was at school though which gave time to concentrate on work. We don’t have any outside help but what does help is:
Shopping being delivered- you just need time to put it away
Meal plan for the week, I always order the ingredients for 7 easy to cook meals and then decide which I fancy on the day.
Also have milk delivered from the milkman
Robot hoover
Ww pick one room a week to properly tidy and spend an hour or two on the weekend on that.

LividLaVidaLoca · 29/08/2022 07:10

None that we don’t pay for.

So we pay for nursery 3 days a week (and keep it during the holidays). We pay for a cleaner, gardener (not sure what he does except mow the lawn and blow some leaves but it all helps) and window cleaner.

Tbh, I’ve spent a lot of time lately thinking about Grandparent Privilege.

A huge proportion of people are very, very lucky to have free, keen and frequent grandparent childcare, whether for guaranteed days a week or even just occasional nights out/weekends away.

A friend with a toddler recently said “ah, does anyone else hate when grandparents are away on holiday because you don’t get a break!” and honestly my eyes were on stalks thinking “you don’t know how lucky you have it”. But that’s her reality and that’s just life. I’m

As we don’t have this (due to the holy trinity of death, dementia and distance) the only nights I’ve spent away from my toddler were the three nights I was hospitalised with an ectopic pregnancy recently.

And ngl, I tried to find the positives in that even while I was utterly bereft 😳

Maireas · 29/08/2022 07:11

You've got a 2 week old baby. Cut yourself some slack.
We never had any help at all, we had no-one, nor could we afford to pay for it. You'll manage. Just make sure that everyone is fed, watered and clean.
That's largely up to your husband for the moment, you focus on the baby.
If the upstairs is a mess, it doesn't matter.