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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband pisses himself when drunk

210 replies

Lwveeee213 · 27/08/2022 23:23

My husband always pisses himself when he’s drunk. He’s ruined so many beds, couches etc. it was getting harder to hide from my children DS 13 and DD 8. As he once slept in DD bed as I didnt want him in our bed, so DD slept with me when he was drunk and did it in her bed along with our old couch on the same night. I have had to keep making excuses when it’s happened ‘dad spilled water on the couch. Dad spilled tea on your bed etc’ . Anyway tonight he’s pissed himself in his pants. I made him go in conservatory as I knew it would happen with him being drunk and anyway both children have seen, saw his pants and they both knew what he’s done. I’ve told husband it’s the last straw, probably not the best time to tell him when he’s drunk, he got a bit aggressive and shoved me out of the way. My daughter was scared and in tears and my son was comforting me. I feel now I can’t carry on with him as my children are getting older and I can’t hide it anymore and feel them witnessing this is doing more harm than good even if it is a rare occurance. Tonight will probably remain in their memory forever. I feel so bad like I let everyone down if I divorce him but this seems to be the final nail in the coffin!!!
please no judgment

OP posts:
Suzi888 · 28/08/2022 18:05

See a solicitor.💐

The bed wetting is extremely grim, the domestic violence is worse, so much worse…. He is going to damage your children and your enabling him to do it (if you stay). He will get worse.

Either he gets help from his G.P or you leave -I’m not sure I could get past being shoved to be honest. He sounds like a pig of a man.

mistermagpie · 28/08/2022 18:21

ThisWormHasTurned · 28/08/2022 17:53

I knew my marriage was done when STBXH urinated on the carpet instead of the loo. It wasn’t the first time he’d missed the loo but at least he’d made it to the bathroom.

Honestly, life is so much better now he’s moved out. I can relax in the evening, not worrying every time he wakes to go to the loo at night for example.

I think you’re at ducks in a row time. Solicitors, financial advice. He won’t change, he has no motivation to. All you can do is change your situation.

Same. My ex husband was a binge drinker and this kind of thing happened all the time. The last night we slept under the same roof he shit in our bed and all over the floor. Best thing I ever did chucking him out.

Redbone · 28/08/2022 18:34

So sorry that you have to put up with this. I’m sorry to say that this will not get any better. For the sake of your children divorce him.

LAMPS1 · 28/08/2022 18:39

Well done OP for telling your parents. That’s a massive thing to have done. I’m sure they will help now they know the truth and you must be relieved.
And remember - you haven’t done anything wrong at all. He is lashing out and verbally abusing you as a defence mechanism because he is too cowardly to face the truth of his dreadful situation with alcohol.
Get yourself and your children away from him as soon as you can and get legal advice. There will be a new and much better ‘normal’ for your children without this continuing trauma for them.
Don't ever let him sweet talk you back.

GabriellaMontez · 28/08/2022 18:44

Sorry to hear he's drinking again today. Ring the police if he's violent again. Don't hesitate.

Happy to hear you've started to discuss this irl. It's the beginning of escaping this animal.

Oysterbabe · 28/08/2022 18:46

Can you stay with your parents? It is not normal to be drunk in front of your young children. What a horrible childhood for them. End it.

Tallerthanmost · 28/08/2022 18:54

You have to wonder, if this isn't his "rock bottom" then how far will you let it go.

Alcoholics can't help themselves, they need pushed into confronting it.

(10 Yr sober alcoholic / ex drug addict, never pissed myself.... He is drinking way more than he is letting on if that's the case)

Notanotherwindow · 28/08/2022 19:15

Allowing your children to live with this any longer would be nothing short of emotional abuse. It's hugely damaging to them to see this and you need to set and enforce a standard of behaviour now, for their sake.

Do you want your daughter growing up with the expectation that this is normal in a relationship and how she should expect to be treated?

Do you want your son to grow up with this abusive, drunken arsehole as his role model? Thinking that this is an acceptable way to behave and that this level of drinking is normal?

They model themselves on you. Not what you say is good or bad but how you conduct yourselves and where you draw the line.

Your kids model themselves and their own relationships on you.

RedRec · 28/08/2022 19:35

I have never been happier to see an update. Really well done, OP, for talking to your parents about this.

Frazzled2207 · 28/08/2022 21:15

Lwveeee213 · 28/08/2022 17:40

I just wanted to give an update. He has been drinking again today and passed out in bed again. I’ve been out with the kids and been to my Mums and told her what’s happened, also told my dad and they both agree it’s not on and I need to reassess my marriage to him.
he told my son he didn’t love me earlier, I stood at the door whilst my son was seeing him in bed before we left.
the fact they have to witness it is just not on!
My son just wants things to be normal. He doesn’t want us to split but I’ve had to explain to him today that this isn’t normal behaviour and not acceptable

Pleased your parents were supportive

as others have said please do now get your ducks in a row. Could staying with your parents be an option? At least short term? I really couldn’t live with a person in the state you describe. Otherwise If you pack his stuff up does he have somewhere he can stay until you sort stuff out? Ideally turf him out but I know it’s not that straightforward

please see a solicitor as soon as you can

Coyoacan · 29/08/2022 00:08

I’ve had to explain to him today that this isn’t normal behaviour and not acceptable

I'm glad you are not allowing your son to think this is normal adult male behaviour.

mamabear715 · 29/08/2022 01:28

@Lwveeee213
It sounds like the scales have fallen from your eyes.
Stay strong & keep updating us. Been there myself with an EXH. Hugs..

daisychain01 · 29/08/2022 02:03

So now you are convinced he won't change what action will you take OP?

your children will look back one day and ask themselves why their mum didn't take them away from such a traumatising environment and exposing them to horrific situations with their drunken sop of a father.

if you really took this seriously you would have run out of ultimatums by now, got off Mumsnet and make the first steps towards leaving him. Will that happen, do you think? Can you get some RL support to make things change so you aren't dragged down by him?

daisychain01 · 29/08/2022 02:06

You now need to move from realising it and knowing it, to changing this situation, you're the only one with the power to get him out of your and your childrens lives for good.

Ostagazuzulum · 29/08/2022 02:14

I've been through this with my exH.

Boxowine · 29/08/2022 02:20

Oh honey, please try to find some support for yourself. I know mental health resources are pretty thin so a therapist may be out of the question but do you think there may be an Al-Anon chapter near you? It's for family members of alcoholics. It might be helpful to you to be able to talk to other people who have been impacted by someone's substance abuse. You are not alone.

Ostagazuzulum · 29/08/2022 02:25

Fortunately we didn't have children.
First night I stayed over at his he did it then woke me in middle of night and made me get a shower. I was so confused. I've no idea why I carried on seeing him let alone marry him.
It started over every month, then regular at least once a week, beds, sofas, carpets, hotel rooms. I've slept in bath before as I had no dry bed to sleep in. He became really angry if I tried to deal with it. I was so embarrassed by it. I couldn't understand why he'd drink if he did it. I realise now he had a drinking problem, but I was so naive then. The beginning of the end was when he had a friend stay over, he'd got drunk and fell asleep on the sofa and wet himself. I tried waking him up in the morning to clean up as I was embarrassed his friend would see and worried he'd be embarrassed and he responded by punching me repeatedly so I had to flee the house to a neighbour who was a friend. It wasn't first time he hit me, but always happened when he was drunk if I remember rightly. For some reason that morning changed a mindset with me. We split a few months later but I look back now 20 years later no idea why I put up with that.
He remarried after we divorced, my heart breaks for his new wife as I know what she'll be dealing with.

I understand what you're going through a bit. He doesn't care enough for you and kids to sort problem or stop drinking.
The violence won't stop:
Leave sooner than later. It'll likely get worse and your kids don't need to see that. I wish I'd left much sooner.
I

Original poster
Lwveeee213 · 29/08/2022 05:59

I actually remember when we first got together he wet the bed then tried to blame me. He’s always managed to talk me round when he’s sober. This has been the same cycle for 16 years only now we have two children and it’s seeping into their lives too.
I’ve been lied awake for hours going over everything in my head.
ive been sleeping top to tail in my daughters bed upstairs. The kids rooms are upstairs and ours is downstairs so we have managed to stay out of his way as he was in bed all yesterday.
im hoping when his head clears he will go to his mums. He tried talk me round yesterday and beg me to get him food which I didn’t and then he turns again saying ‘well I pay for your food!.
honestly my chest hurts with the stress.

OP posts:
HungryandIknowit · 29/08/2022 06:33

See a solicitor.

Pipsquiggle · 29/08/2022 06:50

See a solicitor ASAP.

Very pleased you have spoken to your parents about it.

Your are doing the right thing for you and your children

Twinsmummy1812 · 29/08/2022 07:08

wetting himself while drunk is horrible and he needs to learn his limit so it doesn’t happen. The fact that he’s not feeling revolted in himself is very weird.

However, it is his attitude to you during and afterwards that has been disgraceful and now your children are being exposed to it too. I know you know this but I’m mentioning it to give you extra strength for whatever you decide to do next, I think it’s so much easier to stand up for people you love than yourself sometimes.

If, in the cold light of day he is not remorseful and doesn’t sincerely apologise to you and the children then it might be that you need to be apart and he needs to leave. My advice would be to send the children to your parents first but have another adult with you when you ask him to leave, maybe even the police, because I don’t think he will go easily.

I wish you all the best OP. Remember you have done nothing wrong or deserve this in any way. He may have a drinking problem but unless he is willing to own up to it nothing will change and I fear things will escalate badly x

Singleandproud · 29/08/2022 08:41

@Lwveeee213 totally normal for your son to want you two to be together. Children like consistency even if if it is not in their best interests. They worry about the change, worry about who will look after dad. When you split after an initial settling in period you will find you are all happier.

There is a script many men go through when their wives decides to leave and it sounds like your H is going to be One of those men. Prepare for him yo get really nasty, to tell you he's keeping the children, that he will commit suicide if you leave him. There's a whole thread on it somewhere.

MNetters often recommend a book by an author whose last name is Lundy, can't remember her first name or the title. You may find it useful if someone else can give you more info on it.

Autumnmoons · 29/08/2022 08:53

Oh OP, how upsetting for you and the kids. I so feel for you, I can’t imagine how upsetting it is. I also find his response and bed wetting totally bizarre? Why would a grown man of able body be ok with… pissing the bed?? It’s filthy! To ruin mattresses and sofas?! Once is a mortifying mistake, twice is outrageous and multiple times is disgusting. His mum with the waterproof sheets?! I’m so sorry you’re having to deal with that and also, his appalling response and behaviour. He clearly has a problem with binge drinking that even his own children seeing him urinating on himself in a stupor won’t cure. Not to even mention his wife, who I assume he wants to have an intimate relationship with at some point? YANBU whatsoever and I’m glad you’ve confided in your family. You need real life support now and I hope you get it, you deserve it. Not his unkindness and malicious words via your children (which is despicable)

You also mentioned him waiting for you to clean it up! I so hope that was not the case, he can sort his own filthy mess the dirty Ba…

sending love you to - you don’t deserve this xxx

TeeBee · 29/08/2022 11:32

God, he's despicable isn't he? Down the line, your kids will totally understand why he had to be removed from the family home. That is utterly unsustainable. He is vile and abusive.

MadeForThis · 29/08/2022 18:28

What a nasty drunk and an awful dad.