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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Husband pisses himself when drunk

210 replies

Lwveeee213 · 27/08/2022 23:23

My husband always pisses himself when he’s drunk. He’s ruined so many beds, couches etc. it was getting harder to hide from my children DS 13 and DD 8. As he once slept in DD bed as I didnt want him in our bed, so DD slept with me when he was drunk and did it in her bed along with our old couch on the same night. I have had to keep making excuses when it’s happened ‘dad spilled water on the couch. Dad spilled tea on your bed etc’ . Anyway tonight he’s pissed himself in his pants. I made him go in conservatory as I knew it would happen with him being drunk and anyway both children have seen, saw his pants and they both knew what he’s done. I’ve told husband it’s the last straw, probably not the best time to tell him when he’s drunk, he got a bit aggressive and shoved me out of the way. My daughter was scared and in tears and my son was comforting me. I feel now I can’t carry on with him as my children are getting older and I can’t hide it anymore and feel them witnessing this is doing more harm than good even if it is a rare occurance. Tonight will probably remain in their memory forever. I feel so bad like I let everyone down if I divorce him but this seems to be the final nail in the coffin!!!
please no judgment

OP posts:
Mumspair1 · 28/08/2022 08:30

You allowed this to go on far too long and now your kids feel traumatized. Stop making excuses for him and do the right thing by your kids. What else would it take for you to wake up to the situation?

LemonDrop22 · 28/08/2022 08:34

As for his Mum, yes it may be minimisation and enabling due to low/messed up standards, but it's also probably the case that she wants his issues minimised, swept under the carpet, worked around and accepted .... Because she wants him in a home and family looked after by somebody else .. she wants to make sure he stays somebody else's problem. She doesn't want to see him a separated/divorced man back living with them or in a flat on his own etc. Which is where he'd repeatedly end up if he was out on the dating /relationship market and women saw his behaviour around drinking, pissing himself, being aggressive, bullying, intimidating etc.

She's happy to minimise and normalise so you stay with him and he's not her problem, and no-one wonders why his partner has gotten rid of him. He's looked like a well adjusted, functioning resectable family man for years (in spite of not being) because of you... At your expense really.

notanothertakeaway · 28/08/2022 08:36

This is no way to live

What leapt out at me was your son trying to comfort you. That's not right. As a parent, it's your job to comfort, support and protect your children

Your DH thinks this is funny. It doesn't sound as though he wants to change

PermanentTemporary · 28/08/2022 08:39

Right, if his mum provided waterproof sheets it may be be because her husband is the same.

Think about your children. Do you want to be sending their partners waterproof sheets in 20 years' time? Or do you want to be able to say to them 'you don't have to live with someone who is an alcoholic with no physical control over their body, and I know that because I refused to do so'.

Don't get involved with ridiculous arguments about how often he does it, whether he needs help, whether he's under stress. He is an alcoholic. We're all under stress. You don't have to live like this.

CJsGoldfish · 28/08/2022 08:41

I cannot imagine putting up with this vile behaviour for YEARS.
The fact that he continued to do it and thinks it's no big deal, funny even, says all you need to know about how much he respects you and your children.
What a disgusting human being.

GabriellaMontez · 28/08/2022 08:41

He got drunk and shoved you in front of your daughter.

Thus is disgusting and an escalation of his previous behaviour.

No more discussion. Make plans to separate. You and your children deserve better. Don't allow your daughter to believe this is normal.

FusionChefGeoff · 28/08/2022 08:43

I can't believe he's somehow managed to normalise pissing himself?!!!!

I am an alcoholic in recovery and I have to admit I wet myself but only twice and only after extreme benders - and also only right at the end of my drinking so it was one of the main things that shocked me into action about getting help.

This is not normal.

It's not ok.

Look after yourself and the kids and get him out as he sounds a long way from admitting he has a problem.

LemonDrop22 · 28/08/2022 08:44

You also don't want your son or daughter to grow up thinking it's a normal, acceptable part of live & relationships to have someone shove you and force entry to rooms you're essentially avoiding/trying to distance yourself in while they're drunk. He's essentially bullying and terrorising your family while drunk (and when you try to work around his pissing himself issue) ... It's not something you want them to think you put up with. It's a really low, unhealthy relationship bar to set for them.

It sounds like it's being going on for years, you've tried your best to hide it and work around it and protect them, but that's not really possible ongoing , as you can see now.

TeeBee · 28/08/2022 08:45

He sounds a shit husband and a shit father. Get him out before his children have no relationship with either of you. Get some standards. Would you want this normalised behaviour for you children? He needs to find somewhere else to live. He's disgusting.

EkinWho · 28/08/2022 08:50

This sounds awful. I'm sorry you are going through this. I agree that the children witnessing that escalates things and they need to be put first. It is not normal or acceptable to behave like that. It's disgusting and he must have no self respect. Your husband needs to stop drinking altogether, no excuses or second chances.

Tangelablue · 28/08/2022 08:50

You are not letting anyone down. He is letting you and the children down again and again. He's had long enough to stop drinking and chose not to.

GetThatHelmetOn · 28/08/2022 08:51

That’s the problem with excusing bad partner’s behaviour for so long, you think that you are letting people down for divorcing them when you actually have been letting them down for far too many years for putting up with such level of drinking and related stuff.

Divorcing requires far more courage than staying in a shit marriage, I see more dignity in women who walk away from these situations than those who stay for the security a bad partner’s salary provides.

Mumofnowgrownkids · 28/08/2022 09:02

First thing to do is to get a breathable waterproof mattress protector for any bed he may sleep in. Then consider your options as regards the relationship.

germsandcoffee · 28/08/2022 09:28

I couldn't live with someone who chooses drink over dignity !
You shouldn't have to live in a pissy house and the fact he scared the children is disgusting.

PermanentTemporary · 28/08/2022 09:36

@Mumofnowgrownkids why isn't he getting the waterproof mattress protector? If he had urinary problems post cancer or due to a disability he probably would. But he's denying he has a problem, refusing to accept he's behaving abnormally.

siucra · 28/08/2022 09:38

I too believe that life's too short to continue with a problem drinker. You need to have a home in which a grown man is not getting drunk and also pissing himself. Would you like your daughter to live with such a person when she is older? Life really is short and in my experience alcoholics don't change. And don't feel bad about moving on with your life, he's had ample opportunities to change, to do better, and has chosen not to do so. You life will be spent trying to hide this disgusting behaviour and you deserve peace and happiness.

ShirleyJackson · 28/08/2022 09:41

Gross bastard. I wouldn’t feel clean until either he or I was out of that house.

Your life will be so much better without this incontinent fool. His standards are lower than a snake’s tits.

PersonaNonGarter · 28/08/2022 09:43

OP, who else knows that he does this?

You need to tell some friends IRL who can help you and support you. As you’ve identified, hiding the problem hasn’t solved it.

Theimpossiblegirl · 28/08/2022 09:44

He's not going to change. You and your children need to be away from him. Put them first.

If they told their teachers about this, it would be a safeguarding issue and social services would be contacted. They cannot live like this.

What are your options? Can he go back to his mother? It's time to be practical.

billy1966 · 28/08/2022 09:47

Your poor children.

They know well what is going on.

I hope your children reach out for some support.

pointythings · 28/08/2022 09:55

He knows he pisses himself when drunk.
He still won't stop getting that drunk.
He won't admit he has a problem.
He has assaulted you while drunk.
He is traumatising your children.

There's only one answer and it's called divorce. Get started on it now.

Chamenangee · 28/08/2022 10:04

This was my childhood.

I was younger than your DC when I started to wonder why our chairs and couches were often damp, and why we had sheets of newspaper under the cushions. I remember hearing my mum getting out of bed in the middle of the night to go sleep downstairs. Once we were staying at my grandparents house (dads parents) and I knocked a cup of juice over at the dinner table. My dad (who was as horrible sober as drunk) went mad, saying what a mess I'd made- I can still remember my mum hissing at him in fury saying what about the mess he'd made in the bed, and seeing a 'look' on my nans face.

One Sunday, my uncle had given my mum and us kids a lift home from shopping in town. He sat down in the armchair and leapt up as if he'd been scalded saying it was wet. He left shortly after, and my mum went upstairs to where she obviously discovered my dad passed out. When she came downstairs, she announced that our chairs were always wet because 'your dad gets drunk and pisses all over himself'. Later she was distraught and apologetic for telling us like that.

But actually, it would only have been a matter of time, as he got worse and worse. Doing it in front of us, in public, you name it. Our house that had always been scruffy, became squalid. (If I ever have a bad dream, I'm back in that house.)

It was shameful, disgusting and humiliating.

Mum eventually left, but not before I'd moved into a bed sit at 16. My father, left to his own devices, well you can imagine. He is now in 24/7 care, with wet brain dementia.

I urge you to leave OP.

dressupinyou · 28/08/2022 10:05

I'm confused that the main issue seems to be him pissing himself. Why is the main worry not that he's aggressive and frightens your children @Lwveeee213?

Titsflyingsouth · 28/08/2022 10:09

I honestly can't see any way back from this, Op.

My disgust about the peeing aside, your husband's behaviour is putting the safety of you and your kids at risk and causing emotional harm. How you act now will send a powerful message to your kids, especially DD, about how one should respond to bullies. Do you really want your DD to get the message that women should accept this kind of behaviour from men?

I know it will be hard in all sorts of ways, but better to walk away. Your kids will feel safer and respect you for it.

ManateeFair · 28/08/2022 10:11

Lwveeee213 · 27/08/2022 23:50

Ive just checked and was 16th july he was last drunk in front of the kids as I took a video. He didn’t wet himself that night but that was a month ago. He seems to think it’s funny?? He’s wet himself so many times. We’ve been together now 14 years and I’ve lost count. When he first ever did it he tried to blame me?? Sad thing is his mother accepted it and even gave us waterproof sheets for our mattress! so sadly he thinks it’s ok !

OP, he is not going to stop. He is aware that he pisses himself when he gets drunk, but continues to get drunk. His mother has normalised this, so presumably he’s been doing it since he was a teenager. He doesn’t care and he won’t stop. Filming him won’t make him stop. He’s literally pissed in his own child’s bed before. He knows what he does and he isn’t bothered. He’s vile. He’s also an aggressive drunk, which is a huge concern.

This is harming you and his children. Nobody should have to live with this behaviour, and I strongly doubt it’s possible to find someone attractive when you’ve witnessed them do that constantly and had to clean up after them. I don’t think this marriage is salvageable.