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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIUB to have woken my DH today ?

293 replies

trampolinegame · 27/08/2022 07:18

He works a lot. Has maybe one day off a week, sometimes one day every two weeks.

When he is home, he's not particularly helpful with the kids or forthcoming.

I take care of everything else. Nights/ days. We have a small baby and a toddler. On his days off I always let him sleep as long as he wants, while I wrangle the kids by myself. I sleep with the baby and he gets the nice bed to himself, every night. Uninterrupted sleep. While I slog it in the rubbish bed with the baby. Because he has to be up early for work etc.

I have to ask him to do everything if he does partake at all in family life. He'll never just change the babies nappy while he's home or play with the toddler really. He just retreats. Always has other stuff to do for work etc.

Anyhow, this morning I saw he had again closed his bedroom door on us. He fell asleep with the door open, but then obviously closed it when he heard the baby this morning or in the night etc.

It just pissed me off. He's done it before. One morning I was really losing it from lack of sleep and I was just shouting to myself and rather than coming to help / see what's happening, he just closed his door on us / me.

Anyway, so this morning I just opened his door and let the toddler go in. He's now really angry with me.

OP posts:
MummyofTw0 · 27/08/2022 07:21

Not at all
Welldone x

knackersToIt · 27/08/2022 07:21

Yes I think you need to have a serious discussion with his about family life. It's best to talk when you're not in the first heat of anger though, so let this blow over but say to him that you need to talk. This is not sustainable long term.

Ohmych · 27/08/2022 07:21

You aren't being unreasonable it's not fair he can check out of family life. He needs to step up and do more.

Blanca87 · 27/08/2022 07:21

Why tolerate this shite?

Maireas · 27/08/2022 07:22

What's his job?

parrotonthesofa · 27/08/2022 07:22

He sounds really crap. It's nice that he gets to sleep in on his day off usually and when he gets up he should be fully active with the family. Do you ever get a lie in? Especially as you are the one doing the nights!!

parrotonthesofa · 27/08/2022 07:24

Agree with knackers. Once the kids are in bed tonight, sit down calmly and have a talk with him about this.

Original poster
trampolinegame · 27/08/2022 07:24

I tell him all the time ! He just always uses work as the thing. He says he resents me massively for being like this with him.

OP posts:
Original poster
trampolinegame · 27/08/2022 07:25

parrotonthesofa · 27/08/2022 07:22

He sounds really crap. It's nice that he gets to sleep in on his day off usually and when he gets up he should be fully active with the family. Do you ever get a lie in? Especially as you are the one doing the nights!!

I never get anything. And yes exactly, that's what I've been saying to him. He should be fully engaged.

It always feels forced on him though.

OP posts:
mountainsunsets · 27/08/2022 07:26

Why is he working such long hours? Surely that's not sustainable long-term.

Do you work?

category12 · 27/08/2022 07:26

You're not unreasonable - but in the long term I think you need to do something different in your life/relationship than unleash the toddler. 😃

It's not much of a partnership at the moment and his lack of interest in family life is very disappointing.

He does seem to work a lot. Is this from necessity or is he a workaholic? If he worked less, would he have the energy and inclination to be involved at home or would he still be disengaged?

Original poster
trampolinegame · 27/08/2022 07:28

His work can't be changed at the moment and I can't really go into details about that.

I usually work full time, but I'm on maternity leave at the moment.

OP posts:
Sunshinegirl82 · 27/08/2022 07:28

When is your lie in OP? He gets time off from his job (including every night when he sleeps in peace) but it seems as though you work 24/7.

Have you spoken to him about this?

Maireas · 27/08/2022 07:28

You both decided to have two children, very close together - when you discussed and planned this, did he factor in his working practices or plan shared responsibility?

Sparkletastic · 27/08/2022 07:29

Tell him needs to stop being such a shit dad or work out how he will manage his precious job whilst juggling shared custody of the DCs.

Original poster
trampolinegame · 27/08/2022 07:29

I think he can't be bothered. Even if he didn't work as much. I can see it when we have family time when he does have time off. Always trying to get out of stuff / disengaged from us. I have to ask everything. Even when he does it, he doesn't seem happy.

OP posts:
WhatWouldTheDoctorDo · 27/08/2022 07:30

I'd tell him you resent him massively for being a shit DH and father...

Or more calmly, sit down for a serious chat about your relationship and his involvement in family life. See if he's prepared to change. If not, you need to decide whether you're prepared to accept it or not, and if not, work out what that means for your future. Neither of you sound happy here.

parrotonthesofa · 27/08/2022 07:30

Unleash the toddler Grin love it.

Maireas · 27/08/2022 07:31

trampolinegame · 27/08/2022 07:29

I think he can't be bothered. Even if he didn't work as much. I can see it when we have family time when he does have time off. Always trying to get out of stuff / disengaged from us. I have to ask everything. Even when he does it, he doesn't seem happy.

What was he like when you were planning the children, though? I'm guessing he must have discussed responsibilities? What's changed?

category12 · 27/08/2022 07:32

trampolinegame · 27/08/2022 07:29

I think he can't be bothered. Even if he didn't work as much. I can see it when we have family time when he does have time off. Always trying to get out of stuff / disengaged from us. I have to ask everything. Even when he does it, he doesn't seem happy.

Heart-breaking .

My ex was like this. Disinterested. I used to "joke" about days out together being "forced family fun" but it wasn't funny really.

Original poster
trampolinegame · 27/08/2022 07:32

WhatWouldTheDoctorDo · 27/08/2022 07:30

I'd tell him you resent him massively for being a shit DH and father...

Or more calmly, sit down for a serious chat about your relationship and his involvement in family life. See if he's prepared to change. If not, you need to decide whether you're prepared to accept it or not, and if not, work out what that means for your future. Neither of you sound happy here.

I talk to him about it all the time. Apparently I just moan !

OP posts:
Maireas · 27/08/2022 07:33

He says that "you moan".
It just means he doesn't want to listen to you.

Sunshinegirl82 · 27/08/2022 07:33

It doesn't sound like things are great OP, he sounds completely disengaged from his family.

If you were separated then you might actually get the occasional break although he sounds like the type who would avoid having any real contact with his DC.

Do you have any family supper outside of him? Could you afford to buy in some help for a morning or two a week to give you some downtime?

LateAF · 27/08/2022 07:35

I don’t understand any man who could let his wife and baby sleep in the rubbish bed while they get the nice bed for two. Either everyone gets the nice bed (you, DH and baby), or if DH insists on sleeping separately he should take himself to the spare room. Get into the nice bed with the baby tonight and don’t explain or apologise.

Sparklfairy · 27/08/2022 07:37

Dismissing you by saying you're moaning is just his way of saying like it or lump it but I won't change.

He doesn't care if you're unhappy.

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