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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIUB to have woken my DH today ?

293 replies

trampolinegame · 27/08/2022 07:18

He works a lot. Has maybe one day off a week, sometimes one day every two weeks.

When he is home, he's not particularly helpful with the kids or forthcoming.

I take care of everything else. Nights/ days. We have a small baby and a toddler. On his days off I always let him sleep as long as he wants, while I wrangle the kids by myself. I sleep with the baby and he gets the nice bed to himself, every night. Uninterrupted sleep. While I slog it in the rubbish bed with the baby. Because he has to be up early for work etc.

I have to ask him to do everything if he does partake at all in family life. He'll never just change the babies nappy while he's home or play with the toddler really. He just retreats. Always has other stuff to do for work etc.

Anyhow, this morning I saw he had again closed his bedroom door on us. He fell asleep with the door open, but then obviously closed it when he heard the baby this morning or in the night etc.

It just pissed me off. He's done it before. One morning I was really losing it from lack of sleep and I was just shouting to myself and rather than coming to help / see what's happening, he just closed his door on us / me.

Anyway, so this morning I just opened his door and let the toddler go in. He's now really angry with me.

OP posts:
ExcaliburBaby · 27/08/2022 08:13

Oh and why shouldn’t he clean toilets?

Climbingthelaundrymountain · 27/08/2022 08:14

14 years of this shit and my husband and I are living separately. Sort it out now if you can. If not cut your losses because you'll waste half your life waiting for him to step up.

newbiename · 27/08/2022 08:15

SunnyD44 · 27/08/2022 07:55

YABU

He gets a maximum 1 day off a week and you want to wake him early - that’s not fair.

I always make sure I have a lie in once a week and I have 2 days off every week.

Why not agree to a certain time of what’s an appropriate time to wake up at?
Waking someone up at 7am is not a lie in.

When does she get a lie in ? She does everything for the kids

TimeSlipMushroom · 27/08/2022 08:18

Sparkletastic · 27/08/2022 07:29

Tell him needs to stop being such a shit dad or work out how he will manage his precious job whilst juggling shared custody of the DCs.

The good old threat of shared custody again.

Reminder: non resident parents are not legally required to see their children and can do as they please

SunnyD44 · 27/08/2022 08:19

Just to be around and keep me company would be enough really.

So you woke him up early just so he could keep you company?
Can you not see why he’d be annoyed with that?

He works very hard for the family. And you say he can’t change his job so it’s not like he is choosing to work this hard.
He must be completely exhausted.

I’m a single parent working FT and even I have a lie in once a week.

Why not agree to a 9am lie in?

It’s only a couple more hours but his body probably needs it and then once he’s up he can take over childcare or keep you company for the rest of the day.

Zonder · 27/08/2022 08:21

LateAF · 27/08/2022 07:35

I don’t understand any man who could let his wife and baby sleep in the rubbish bed while they get the nice bed for two. Either everyone gets the nice bed (you, DH and baby), or if DH insists on sleeping separately he should take himself to the spare room. Get into the nice bed with the baby tonight and don’t explain or apologise.

Absolutely this.

Clymene · 27/08/2022 08:26

SunnyD44 · 27/08/2022 08:19

Just to be around and keep me company would be enough really.

So you woke him up early just so he could keep you company?
Can you not see why he’d be annoyed with that?

He works very hard for the family. And you say he can’t change his job so it’s not like he is choosing to work this hard.
He must be completely exhausted.

I’m a single parent working FT and even I have a lie in once a week.

Why not agree to a 9am lie in?

It’s only a couple more hours but his body probably needs it and then once he’s up he can take over childcare or keep you company for the rest of the day.

Where's the OP's lie in? She's working 24/7

Original poster
trampolinegame · 27/08/2022 08:29

I understand with his schedule I will do most of it. I just wish when he was here, he actually wanted to be and showed more interest, willingness and passion for his family.

Instead he seems bored, fed up and we argue all the time.

OP posts:
converseandjeans · 27/08/2022 08:32

What is his job? Are you sure he's obliged to work these hours? I've heard it's common for men to offer to work away overnight when their children are tiny, or offer to work late so they get out of doing bedtime. Did he work these hours before you had children?

Was he hands on with your first? Or were there already signs he might be a bit useless?

He's not engaging at all with family life & doesn't seem to be interested. Unless he's prime minister I can't see that he can need to work that many hours. Or is that you posting Carrie?

Velvian · 27/08/2022 08:32

How much is he working and how much is just avoiding coming home?

savethebeesandthecees · 27/08/2022 08:32

trampolinegame · 27/08/2022 07:29

I think he can't be bothered. Even if he didn't work as much. I can see it when we have family time when he does have time off. Always trying to get out of stuff / disengaged from us. I have to ask everything. Even when he does it, he doesn't seem happy.

This is the real problem then. He doesn't like family life.

SunnyD44 · 27/08/2022 08:37

I understand with his schedule I will do most of it. I just wish when he was here, he actually wanted to be and showed more interest, willingness and passion for his family.

Instead he seems bored, fed up and we argue all the time.

Absolutely!
But that doesn’t mean he should be waking up at 7am on his one day off.

But what he is doing is practically slave labour and he must be exhausted, which is going to take a massive toll on your relationship.

What time does he get home?
He should absolutely be involved with parenting and helping with bedtime etc.
He would want to do this too.

buckingmad · 27/08/2022 08:38

He’s a dickhead.

OH and I sleep separately at the moment as I co sleep, but I have the nice bed with the baby and he has the worse one. We see it as equal as possible then. I’m up during the night but I’m at least on the comfier mattress with my favourite pillows.

Yes he works hard but so are you and you’re not getting a day off at all! Honestly you may as well get rid of him. At least that would be one less person to tidy up and clean after.

can you tell on him to his mum?

Dery · 27/08/2022 08:38

He needs to understand that the early years of parenting just are extremely hard work and in those years working parents are generally either at work or parenting. You don’t get days off - or only very rarely. It does get less demanding as your LOs get older, particularly once they’re old enough to potter round a child-friendly house without constant adult surveillance but that’s a few years off for you yet.

Immaterialatthispoint · 27/08/2022 08:39

I’m guessing he wasn’t like this with the first child? What changed do you think- I’m wondering if there was a catalyst for this. Not that jr makes it excusable.

Original poster
trampolinegame · 27/08/2022 08:39

SunnyD44 · 27/08/2022 08:37

I understand with his schedule I will do most of it. I just wish when he was here, he actually wanted to be and showed more interest, willingness and passion for his family.

Instead he seems bored, fed up and we argue all the time.

Absolutely!
But that doesn’t mean he should be waking up at 7am on his one day off.

But what he is doing is practically slave labour and he must be exhausted, which is going to take a massive toll on your relationship.

What time does he get home?
He should absolutely be involved with parenting and helping with bedtime etc.
He would want to do this too.

He's now off for a whole week. It's not his one day off this time and it's the first time I've ever done it.

OP posts:
AverageJoan · 27/08/2022 08:44

SunnyD44 · 27/08/2022 08:37

I understand with his schedule I will do most of it. I just wish when he was here, he actually wanted to be and showed more interest, willingness and passion for his family.

Instead he seems bored, fed up and we argue all the time.

Absolutely!
But that doesn’t mean he should be waking up at 7am on his one day off.

But what he is doing is practically slave labour and he must be exhausted, which is going to take a massive toll on your relationship.

What time does he get home?
He should absolutely be involved with parenting and helping with bedtime etc.
He would want to do this too.

You're completely missing the point. DH isn't pulling his weight with DC, leaving OP to do everything. I would've woken him up much earlier than 7.

Original poster
trampolinegame · 27/08/2022 08:45

Immaterialatthispoint · 27/08/2022 08:39

I’m guessing he wasn’t like this with the first child? What changed do you think- I’m wondering if there was a catalyst for this. Not that jr makes it excusable.

It was a bit better. We managed better. He wasn't working in the first lock down, which is when the first was a tiny baby, so I did have some help then.

His work has become a lot more intense because of complications caused by brexit / covid etc.... so he didn't have much time before, but it's worse now.

I managed better with just one child, the second one makes it all a lot harder of course.

OP posts:
Original poster
trampolinegame · 27/08/2022 08:46

@AverageJoan I was awake at 2-3 and then again since 5 with the baby. I only let the toddler loose when toddler woke up at 7.

OP posts:
AverageJoan · 27/08/2022 08:48

trampolinegame · 27/08/2022 08:46

@AverageJoan I was awake at 2-3 and then again since 5 with the baby. I only let the toddler loose when toddler woke up at 7.

That's what I mean, it's out of order your DH just shut the door probably aware that was happening. YANBU to be annoyed x

Somethingsnappy · 27/08/2022 08:48

@SunnyD44. You still haven't answered the question from a few PP; when do you propose OP gets a lie-in? Considering she is up every night with the babies? Or is it only men who are allowed a lie-in?

SunnyD44 · 27/08/2022 08:49

He's now off for a whole week. It's not his one day off this time and it's the first time I've ever done it.

Drip feed.
That obviously changes your OP massively.

Your first sentence was that he works 6 or 13 days straight.
There was no mention of him having a week off.

Well obviously if he’s off for a whole week then he doesn’t need to be having lie ins or you should be taking in turns.

Livelovebehappy · 27/08/2022 08:49

Tbh if he works such long hours and rarely has a day off, he’s probably knackered. Constantly. So I think he needs to be cut a bit of slack. Presume the hours he works will cut down once you return to work after mat leave, and this is when you have to make sure the workload is split equally.

Somethingsnappy · 27/08/2022 08:51

Livelovebehappy · 27/08/2022 08:49

Tbh if he works such long hours and rarely has a day off, he’s probably knackered. Constantly. So I think he needs to be cut a bit of slack. Presume the hours he works will cut down once you return to work after mat leave, and this is when you have to make sure the workload is split equally.

And what about op being 'probably knackered'? As she is working nights as well as days?

loves2plan · 27/08/2022 08:52

@SunnyD44 are you always like this or did you just wake up on the wrong side of the bed today?