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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIUB to have woken my DH today ?

293 replies

trampolinegame · 27/08/2022 07:18

He works a lot. Has maybe one day off a week, sometimes one day every two weeks.

When he is home, he's not particularly helpful with the kids or forthcoming.

I take care of everything else. Nights/ days. We have a small baby and a toddler. On his days off I always let him sleep as long as he wants, while I wrangle the kids by myself. I sleep with the baby and he gets the nice bed to himself, every night. Uninterrupted sleep. While I slog it in the rubbish bed with the baby. Because he has to be up early for work etc.

I have to ask him to do everything if he does partake at all in family life. He'll never just change the babies nappy while he's home or play with the toddler really. He just retreats. Always has other stuff to do for work etc.

Anyhow, this morning I saw he had again closed his bedroom door on us. He fell asleep with the door open, but then obviously closed it when he heard the baby this morning or in the night etc.

It just pissed me off. He's done it before. One morning I was really losing it from lack of sleep and I was just shouting to myself and rather than coming to help / see what's happening, he just closed his door on us / me.

Anyway, so this morning I just opened his door and let the toddler go in. He's now really angry with me.

OP posts:
whynotwhatknot · 27/08/2022 13:32

like ive said before what is the point of him. doesn't engage doesn't help youre better off single

category12 · 27/08/2022 13:36

trampolinegame · 27/08/2022 13:29

Honestly, taking everything into account. It would be ok ish for me if he just allowed me time to go and stay with family as much as I needed during this difficult period for our family. Rather than accuse me of not holding the family together. That change alone would probably be enough for me to survive this period. He was OK with me going a while back, but has made it clear he's not keen on another visit.

So what. Go anyway.

Cherchezlaspice · 27/08/2022 13:36

trampolinegame · 27/08/2022 13:29

Honestly, taking everything into account. It would be ok ish for me if he just allowed me time to go and stay with family as much as I needed during this difficult period for our family. Rather than accuse me of not holding the family together. That change alone would probably be enough for me to survive this period. He was OK with me going a while back, but has made it clear he's not keen on another visit.

He doesn’t get to ‘allow’ you to do anything. This is what we’re talking about. He’s not the boss of your life. YOU ARE. So start acting like it.

Quartz2208 · 27/08/2022 13:40

Everything you say though is about him - and it still isn’t enough. His wants are your focus and it still isn’t enough.

Ypu need to go to your parents and stop feeling guilt that you aren’t strong enough to hold it together because you simply can’t without him and he is giving you nothing.

I would say you are going to give him time to work out if he wants to make it work because you have given him all you can and it’s simply not enough and you can no longer put him front and centre.

unicormb · 27/08/2022 13:43

trampolinegame · 27/08/2022 13:29

Honestly, taking everything into account. It would be ok ish for me if he just allowed me time to go and stay with family as much as I needed during this difficult period for our family. Rather than accuse me of not holding the family together. That change alone would probably be enough for me to survive this period. He was OK with me going a while back, but has made it clear he's not keen on another visit.

You don't sound very angry with this man who has completely opted out of family life. Going to stay with family? I hope you mean forever. The person that needs to fix up here is HIM, not you.

whynotwhatknot · 27/08/2022 13:50

allow you? thats abusive just go. what would he do

FancyFelix · 27/08/2022 13:51

Who gives a shit what he wants OP?? Stop thinking about him, he's not thinking about you and your needs, or those of your children. Go to your parents and leave him to it.

CatsandFish · 27/08/2022 13:58

LilacPoppy · 27/08/2022 13:11

So he has approximately 3 days off a month? It's right that you should be doing all the childcare and housework. It's him that has the crap deal not you.

But on his day off, @LilacPoppy , he doesn't even want to pay any attention to his family. He wants nothing to do with him. His children try to get their dad's love and attention and he just ignores them. That was a heartbreaking thing to read from the OP. Those children are strangers to him. He doesn't even want them, and the children know it. They will grow up with zero relationship with their own father. Then, he'll wonder why his kids don't know him and want nothing to do with him when they are older.

unicormb · 27/08/2022 14:03

Somebody who only has 3 days off in a month has some serious life balancing to do.

TheMilkyWeigh · 27/08/2022 14:13

It would be ok ish for me if he just allowed me time to go and stay with family as much as I needed during this difficult period for our family

Allowed you? Why do you need his permission? Just go if you feel that strongly about the situation to post a thread about it.

Original poster
trampolinegame · 27/08/2022 14:17

TheMilkyWeigh · 27/08/2022 14:13

It would be ok ish for me if he just allowed me time to go and stay with family as much as I needed during this difficult period for our family

Allowed you? Why do you need his permission? Just go if you feel that strongly about the situation to post a thread about it.

Not the best choice of language on my part. Of course I can do what I want. But I don't particularly enjoy making him unhappy because he gets grumpy/ passive aggressive and it's not much fun for me. Then we end up arguing all the time.

OP posts:
Topgub · 27/08/2022 14:22

@trampolinegame

Why are you not addressing why you're scared of making him angry?

Why are you continually putting your own needs last?

Cherchezlaspice · 27/08/2022 14:25

Is it fun for you now? Why is not making him ‘grumpy’ a valid reason to disregard your own wants and needs? Why is his happiness more important than your own?

There’s quite a lot that’s been said here that you’re just straight up refusing to engage with.

AhNowTed · 27/08/2022 14:33

I bet the kids would enjoy a few days away with family who want to engage with them, not tip toeing around daddy.

UpToMyElbowsInDiapers · 27/08/2022 14:33

I don’t understand what you’re getting out of this relationship. You’re sleeping in a crappy bed, on call with your DCs 24/7, feel like you can’t leave to go visit your family, and every interaction you have with your “D”H is filled with resentment and “who has it worse”. I feel really sad for you. He seems to have no consideration for your well-being whatsoever and doesn’t seem to give a crap about his kids. Would you not both be better off if you just separated? He could get on with working and vegging in front of the TV. You could sleep in a decent bed, get support from your family, and ditch the awful, resentful atmosphere.

I’m never one to say LTB unless there’s abuse, but my God this sounds grim.

Quartz2208 · 27/08/2022 14:45

@trampolinegame you aren’t though are you, there is actually nothing you can do apart from clearly sacrifice yourself and your children’s needs completely

What do you get from him. You are in a partnership /relationship where you get nothing but guilt

the truth is even in the happiest of relationships the only person responsible for their happiness is themselves. You cannot do anything here

please go to your parents and tell him he has time now to work out what will make him happy because you can do no more and it is making your unhappy

CatsandFish · 27/08/2022 14:52

OP, just go to your family while he's at work. Pack your bags, and go. What can he do? He won't know til he comes home to an empty house. He can't stop you, you just go when he's at work.

Then send a text that says something like: "I have left you and won't be coming back until you get your priorities straight. You are abusing me and treating me like a slave. You take me for granted. You ignore your wife, you ignore your children. Don't contact me until you're willing to either change your job or try couple's therapy. Things have to change and if you don't change your priorities now, and put your family first, I will be filing for divorce. Contact me only when you are willing to have an open, honest discussion without blaming me for you checking out of our marriage and family life".

GlueyMooey · 27/08/2022 14:55

trampolinegame · 27/08/2022 11:32

For what it's worth, for me, working full time is way easier than looking after small children. Why ? Because at least I get to sleep all night and can ignore emails if I want to.

Husband also acknowledges that he'd find it really hard to be home all the time and he finds looking after them hard in general. But that im ' the mum '. Apparently mums are superhero's, according to him...

If you had to be 100% honest would you rather work his hours or stay at home with the kids?

I love a lay in and I was really tired when my kids were all little but it's still a million times better than working 13 out of 14 days. I imagine he isn't doing his job for fun.

I had a similar set up with my DH. I think he was better than your husband in that he wasn't a know but he was absent and even when he was their physically he was exhausted. He earned a lot so that also made it a lot easier as we all have benefitted from it. I could have cleaners and gardeners etc. I didn't get a lie in and I didn't think I deserved one. Unless you have kids with SEN then this seems like you are being very unreasonable.

Imagine a AIBU from him. "I get two days off a month. My wife expects me to get up with the kids".

AhNowTed · 27/08/2022 14:58

@GlueyMooey

Unless he's toiling down a mine and physically exhausted, few jobs are more difficult than caring for small children.

We had a childminder for 15 years and I blessed the ground she walked on.

Orangello · 27/08/2022 15:01

If you had to be 100% honest would you rather work his hours or stay at home with the kids?

That's not the question though. When OP goes back to work, can she also sleep all night undisturbed and zone out in front of TV the rest of the time? Somehow I doubt.

Madamecastafiore · 27/08/2022 15:04

Jesus. This is bleak. How many days off do you get OP? Let me guess, none, you're on call 24th a day. I bet he's not.

You are getting a shitty deal and being controlled and abused and your poor kids are going to grow up with a wrung out miserable mum and a nasty disengaged father. Big old LTB from me.

Quartz2208 · 27/08/2022 15:05

@GlueyMooey was he ever angry or passive aggressive because it sounds as if you both respected each other and the role you played and understood both were hard. Plus the OP is on maternity leave not a SAHM

Mammabii · 27/08/2022 15:21

SunnyD44 · 27/08/2022 08:19

Just to be around and keep me company would be enough really.

So you woke him up early just so he could keep you company?
Can you not see why he’d be annoyed with that?

He works very hard for the family. And you say he can’t change his job so it’s not like he is choosing to work this hard.
He must be completely exhausted.

I’m a single parent working FT and even I have a lie in once a week.

Why not agree to a 9am lie in?

It’s only a couple more hours but his body probably needs it and then once he’s up he can take over childcare or keep you company for the rest of the day.

If I read this post correctly, this doesn't seem to be the main issue. His attitude towards family life seems to be what is bothering the op, sounds like she feels like his family is a nuisance to him. Very understandable, you can manage to get on even if it's hard work as long as you feel valued. What op is describing must feel extremely lonely.

HungryandIknowit · 27/08/2022 15:48

Life with a toddler and a baby is relentless, let alone with no support. Go and stay with your family.

MrsTimRiggins · 27/08/2022 16:34

Fuck him, honestly. What a selfish prick. If he’s working all the time anyway, why he’s getting arsey about you doing to stay with family?! Twat.