AIUB to have woken my DH today ?

[trampolinegame]

He works a lot. Has maybe one day off a week, sometimes one day every two weeks.

When he is home, he's not particularly helpful with the kids or forthcoming.

I take care of everything else. Nights/ days. We have a small baby and a toddler. On his days off I always let him sleep as long as he wants, while I wrangle the kids by myself. I sleep with the baby and he gets the nice bed to himself, every night. Uninterrupted sleep. While I slog it in the rubbish bed with the baby. Because he has to be up early for work etc.

I have to ask him to do everything if he does partake at all in family life. He'll never just change the babies nappy while he's home or play with the toddler really. He just retreats. Always has other stuff to do for work etc.

Anyhow, this morning I saw he had again closed his bedroom door on us. He fell asleep with the door open, but then obviously closed it when he heard the baby this morning or in the night etc.

It just pissed me off. He's done it before. One morning I was really losing it from lack of sleep and I was just shouting to myself and rather than coming to help / see what's happening, he just closed his door on us / me.

Anyway, so this morning I just opened his door and let the toddler go in. He's now really angry with me.

Did you read my post OP ? Because this is the kind of controlling behaviour I was talking about. He treats you like hired help but he wants you to make a ‘show’ of being loving and attentive and is actually comparing you to someone else !! This is a form of abuse and the longer you tolerate it, the worse it’s going to get and the harder it will be to put right. If you can’t get his attention by trying to talk to him, try suggesting you see a counsellor together - that should make him sit up and take notice.

If you're staying with your family, you don't have to deal with his grumps and aggression, do you?

You're damned if you do, damned if you don't. Stay home and ask for his help/involvement in family life... he'll grump at you and resent you. Go to family for a necessary break... he'll grump at you and resent you. You can't win so you may as well please yourself.

I haven't encountered such passivity in an OP in ages, he's really done a number on you hasn't he? Would you want this life for your children?

Allowed???

The sooner you go back to work and start saving your own money the better

Do you want to live your (and your children's) life like this?

She could do with a counsellor. But definitely not a joint one

From what you have said @trampolinegame, the other thing that stands out is that he’s busy / working long hours because work is busy, rather than picking up extra shifts to make ends meet.

Fundamentally that’s a choice. There is no job in the U.K. where that choice is actually mandatory. He may be the most terribly important person in the whole U.K., but it’s still a choice. He is putting his work stress ahead of your time and your family.

Again, I say this as someone who has previously worked very, very long hours and still has to kick myself to get the balance right.

I’m sorry OP, it sounds like you both have it very tough at the moment, albeit in different ways. I’ve always been in a similar situation to be completely honest and it made me feel really shit, like a lesser human. I always excused my husband’s behaviour with the long working hours he did, because I could totally understand he was exhausted. But a few things you mentioned stood out to me as different and they would hugely upset me, as they have you:

• He needs to be equally grateful to you for the work you put in, as you are to him. - He cannot have a go at you for not showing enough affection, if he’s not showing you any. - He should be supportive of you getting help from family, given that you’ve made it clear you are burning out. Does he think you’re going away to slag him off? Is that why he’s reluctant? It sounds like a chance for both of you to get your needs met. Make it clear you’re incredibly supportive of his hard work and that you’re doing this so that he gets a chance to recharge as well.

For what it’s worth, my husband and I got through this very trying phase together as it does not last forever. Hang in there, you’re doing an amazing job.

This sounds really tough OP.

He has basically conditioned you not to do certain things because although you are "allowed" he punishes you with his behaviour when you do them. So you do them less and less until you don't do them at all.

Presumably it's more convenient for him to have you at home to cook/clean/do the washing? It doesn't sound as though he actually interacts with you or the DC much so presumably your presence (or absence) doesn't really impact him?

Is your sister's relationship similar? What about your parents?

Not the best choice of language on my part. Of course I can do what I want. But I don't particularly enjoy making him unhappy because he gets grumpy/ passive aggressive and it's not much fun for me. Then we end up arguing all the time.

He may not TELL you not to do something but if he gets grumpy/passive aggressive when you do do something then that is the exact same thing.

Exactly - it's coercive control.

I'm sorry but that's just bs. I frequently work 7 days a week, early starts and late finishes, I've worked 30+ days in a row before without a full day off, not regularly but not totally rare to happen. My dc are older now, both teens so it's not an issue but when they were small and my dh was sahp I never just abdicated everything to him, when I was at home I always did my fair share of looking after the children and doing housework.

Has he ever heard of coffee?

The audacity of a man getting a comfortable, uninterrupted night of sleep every single night but still being a 'tired' and moody grump the next day gets me right in the mood for a bit of Rightmove.

Imagine if you ever got exhausted? 😂 Oh but wait, you literally don't have the option to be exhausted and take it easy. You're The Mum, so you just crack on.

Your poor toddler, though.

The persistent absence of serve and return interaction acts as a “double whammy” for healthy development: not only does the brain not receive the positive stimulation it needs, but the body's stress response is activated, flooding the developing brain with potentially harmful stress hormones. - https://parenting.kars4kids.org/serve-and-return-parenting/

Maybe it's a good thing he's barely around.

He doesn't sound like he likes you very much OP.

You deserve better than this.

See this,on top of everything else is joy on.he will destroy that kid you know that right.he won’t feel good enough.will wonder why his dad doesn’t want to be with him.wonder what to do to get his attention and or try to be a perfectionist,leads to mental illness.or goes the other way and fucks him right off and rejects him and you back.goes off the rails and again often leads to mental illness.this level of not feeling enough for a parent almost always leads to issues then and later in life. This really is setting that child up for a lifetime of misery.right into adulthood.
I getnyou understanding his job.but that doesn’t go hand in hand with being able to substain this life. Because you can’t.
so you need to make a choice.this won’t change so why are putting up with it.you clearly can’t.your mind and body will make the decision for you soon.
I think you need to just go to your family.make it clear you are on the breaking point,no your past that.
you alos do need to then discuss the “him being a dad” thing. Exhausted people can not function.but that’s not you or your child’s fault. He still needs to feature in their lives and be a dad when he is home.if he can’t there is just no point.he’s not working for his family if he has no relationship with said family,if he’s destroyed said family.

I feel very sad for you, @trampolinegame He sounds disconnected, selfish and lazy at home. My partner works around 70 hours per week for reasons I won’t go into but engages at the weekend. He has one lie in at the weekend but then is with us and pulls his weight at home (he is not perfect at all but he tries which is what I care about). We agreed to this before having DC and knowing his work situation was unlikely to change. His work is ‘very important’ but family is more important and we agree on this.

This situation isn’t fair on you or the children and actually is very sad for him too though he might not realise it. To me, parenting should be almost equal at weekends or whenever the children partner is off work with allowances made for some downtime for one working long hours. I would try one more calm discussion with him and then begin considering other options if nothing changes. Can he be with his family one day/afternoon per week as a start? 💐

I have to say I am now massively appreciating my partner a hell of a lot more after unwittingly arriving at what seems to be an asshole husband section of mumsnet. OP your husband sounds like a twat!

You are not alone there🙄

Did you persuade your Dh to have children did you say you would do the childcare?
If you did, then you should have let sleeping dogs lie.

In any event, it was cowardly to get your toddler to do your dirty work.