AIUB to have woken my DH today ?

[trampolinegame]

He works a lot. Has maybe one day off a week, sometimes one day every two weeks.

When he is home, he's not particularly helpful with the kids or forthcoming.

I take care of everything else. Nights/ days. We have a small baby and a toddler. On his days off I always let him sleep as long as he wants, while I wrangle the kids by myself. I sleep with the baby and he gets the nice bed to himself, every night. Uninterrupted sleep. While I slog it in the rubbish bed with the baby. Because he has to be up early for work etc.

I have to ask him to do everything if he does partake at all in family life. He'll never just change the babies nappy while he's home or play with the toddler really. He just retreats. Always has other stuff to do for work etc.

Anyhow, this morning I saw he had again closed his bedroom door on us. He fell asleep with the door open, but then obviously closed it when he heard the baby this morning or in the night etc.

It just pissed me off. He's done it before. One morning I was really losing it from lack of sleep and I was just shouting to myself and rather than coming to help / see what's happening, he just closed his door on us / me.

Anyway, so this morning I just opened his door and let the toddler go in. He's now really angry with me.

He genuinely feels hard done by, by me. He thinks I'm completely unreasonable.

This

I was fully expecting to tell you YABU but you're really not. He's a complete arse.

YABU to put up with this.
LTB.

I just have more tolerance for discomfort at night time..

Was he like this after the first child?

Sadly, many men agree to having children to make their partner happy. Along they come and suddenly it wasn't such a great idea...

When do you go back to work OP?
You really need to sort this out before then or you're going to really struggle.

Sit down with him with pen and paper. Calmly discuss a plan so you both get equal lie ins and full nights sleep, share drop offs and pick ups from nursery, bath and bedtimes. Sorry but he's using work as an excuse, sounds like it suits him to work ping hours, but what's going to happen if you also do that? Make him be involved in making suggesting, drawing up a timetable.

You've got to nip this in the bud now OP or you never will.

Have a discussion and set expectations though you shouldn't have to do that with a grown adult.

You are both responsible so therefore he needs to step up. Don't feel bad about it.

long hours not ping hours!!

YABU

He gets a maximum 1 day off a week and you want to wake him early - that’s not fair.

I always make sure I have a lie in once a week and I have 2 days off every week.

Why not agree to a certain time of what’s an appropriate time to wake up at?
Waking someone up at 7am is not a lie in.

I just have more tolerance for discomfort at night time

According to who?

Women are generally socialised to put others (men) first, but there should be some chivalry here at least. You're on duty as mum 24/7, you're not a second class citizen because he's currently doing paid work. (Although you know you'd still be in the shit bed if maternity leave was over too).

What hours do you work?

His work is just not compatible with family life.

Can you increase your hours so he can get a different job?

I can’t believe he goes 2 weeks with only 1 day off.

My DH never did a nappy or feed at night as he worked and I was a SAHM. I did all the kids/cleaning/shopping/cooking/garden, and he just worked, frequently with overnights in hotels.
I thought it was what I was meant to do. Bollocks to that, I was on my knees.
Please, please please, get this sorted before baby arrives. OP, you need to sit down and have a calm conversation about what you both think is fair, and stick to it.

When you go back to work, I’d hope he pulls his finger out his arse and parent his fucking kids.
Don’t give up your job, you might need it.
Leave the toddler with him and then later throw baby st him. He’s burying his head in the sand. He thinks he can get away from parenting.

When do you go back to work? What kind of work does he do? Do you have any daycare anywhere you can get them into earlier than planned?

I have a lot of questions!

@SunnyD44 op gets the grand total of zero days off in the week.

This is bullshit. You just know what needs to be done and do it, because it's less bother than trying to get him to do his share.

What is going to happen when you go back to work? Will you be working and doing everything else?

just have more tolerance for discomfort at night time. so what? Still doesn't make it right or fair

Sounds like he wants the family man image, just without the work, input or responsibility

"You're moaning again"

"ugh there's an annoying whining noise coming out of my domestic appliance"

I've seen that a lot. Even when they say they want them, my advice to their partners is to fully explore what they mean. Usually they expect to do very little in the first four years of parenthood. OP what were the discussions like pre pregnancy? Remind him of that. What was he like with the first? Absolutely don't have a third baby. This might end your relationship, or might be something that you have to live with. I've seen women stay and I don't know how they've got passed such selfish behaviour tbh.

He's ineffective those men who thinks women being on mat leave means they can just duck out of family responsibility.

He's a dick. Has he always been a dick?

Let him know which of the weekend days will be your lie in and which will be his.

Get him to read 'this is how you marriage ends'.

I usually work full time.

His work is not changeable at the moment, for reason I don't wish to go into.

In terms of whether I can up my hours, I can't, as it's already full time.

His work wasn't always this intense, certain factors have made it worse. His schedule is really bad. this is why I try to give him a break. But I just think he could be a bit more willing when he's actually here. Just showing that you want to be with your family and are enjoying your time, would be enough. I don't expect him to do night wake ups or clean toilets. Just to be around and keep me company would be enough really.

cut to the chase with him as you don’t want to waste years of your life on this shit situation if it’s not going to be the long term set up. Pretty sure you’d get more respite and be happier if you split up. I might be being harsh but he sounds selfish and has checked out of being a proper parent and supportive husband already.