Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIUB to have woken my DH today ?

293 replies

trampolinegame · 27/08/2022 07:18

He works a lot. Has maybe one day off a week, sometimes one day every two weeks.

When he is home, he's not particularly helpful with the kids or forthcoming.

I take care of everything else. Nights/ days. We have a small baby and a toddler. On his days off I always let him sleep as long as he wants, while I wrangle the kids by myself. I sleep with the baby and he gets the nice bed to himself, every night. Uninterrupted sleep. While I slog it in the rubbish bed with the baby. Because he has to be up early for work etc.

I have to ask him to do everything if he does partake at all in family life. He'll never just change the babies nappy while he's home or play with the toddler really. He just retreats. Always has other stuff to do for work etc.

Anyhow, this morning I saw he had again closed his bedroom door on us. He fell asleep with the door open, but then obviously closed it when he heard the baby this morning or in the night etc.

It just pissed me off. He's done it before. One morning I was really losing it from lack of sleep and I was just shouting to myself and rather than coming to help / see what's happening, he just closed his door on us / me.

Anyway, so this morning I just opened his door and let the toddler go in. He's now really angry with me.

OP posts:
neshtastic · 27/08/2022 09:58

MrsTimRiggins · 27/08/2022 09:14

Also!! I appreciate every second I can spend with my DC, and I appreciate my husband for facilitating me being at home… but it’s still tough and it’s relentless. Just because it’s one doesn’t mean it’s not the other!

I dislike this outlook.

My husband doesn't 'facilitate' me staying at home. We decided together that I'd work in the home, and he'd work out of it.

If women don't appreciate the hard work being a SAHM is, then what hope have we got

Pyewhacket · 27/08/2022 09:59

ExcaliburBaby · 27/08/2022 08:12

cut to the chase with him as you don’t want to waste years of your life on this shit situation if it’s not going to be the long term set up. Pretty sure you’d get more respite and be happier if you split up. I might be being harsh but he sounds selfish and has checked out of being a proper parent and supportive husband already.

Times are going to get tough and you're going to need every penny, so unless you are a high earner I would be very careful listening to advice like this or you'll be facing a whole new set of problems that will keep you up at night, and then some.

neshtastic · 27/08/2022 09:59

yes I am a single parent and work full time, I’ve always done both.
There’s a reason I look forward to Saturdays and Sundays because they’re much less taxing than my working days.

So you've never been a full time SAHM then? So you haven't a clue, have you.

AlmostSummer21 · 27/08/2022 10:01

padsi1975 · 27/08/2022 09:30

HE resents YOU? I am astonished at some of the posts on here. He chose to have children and looking after those children is part and parcel of that. We all felt exhausted when our children were babies, that's reality and it's incredibly selfish to put all of that on you. I can only imagine the posters who think you are being unreasonable don't have children or have forgotten how hard those early years are or are martyrs. I work full time, long hours and have 3 children. It is NOT harder to go to work. Being at home with 3 small children was, and remains, the most tiring and lonely time I have experienced in life (my husband works shift so was absent nights and most weekends). This is the stuff that breaks marriages. It's selfish to put it all on you and selfish to be disengaged when he is with you (and I do know what that feels like). These men that want children and then just want to act like nothing changed and it's all the Mother's workload to bear .... so unfair. I don't know how you get someone to change op but it's worth the battle I think or resentment will kill off your marriage eventually anyway. My sympathies to you.

@padsi1975

I can only imagine the posters who think you are being unreasonable don't have children or have forgotten how hard those early years are or are martyrs

or, you know, we liked having babies/young children, didn't find it a burden or harder than working in the city.

It is NOT harder to go to work. Being at home with 3 small children was, and remains, the most tiring and lonely time I have experienced in life

I'm sorry you felt like that, but not everyone does. Some of us feel the exact opposite. That doesn't make us martyrs or you... (you can fill in the blanks). Some of us enjoyed being at home with our babies & small children

if they OP doesn't enjoy being at home with hers, there's nothing to stop her putting them in nursery & going back to work, extended maternity leave is optional.

who knows what they discussed, if anything, before having children, but she can't change his work hours, SHE can't change him into being the partner/Dad she wants him to be, she can only change herself/her return to work, whether she stays in the marriage, whether she goes to live with family (he might not want it, but he can't stop her)

Topgub · 27/08/2022 10:01

Are you scared of him?

Why do you care if he's angry? You're allowing him to treat you like shit. you should be angry with him

You'd be better off a single parent.

And that's his fault. Not yours

ThirteenLuckyForSome · 27/08/2022 10:02

@padsi1975 the man is out working earning to keep the family afloat, are you really suggesting she leaves her husband because he's exhausted from working? When I had my second child my husband was doing a mad schedule, it nearly broke us as we were both exhausted, BUT he was working the mad hours to improve our lives, which 5 years on we are now reaping the rewards from. We knew the situation wasn't forever and realised how things were between us was because of the work situation and us both being tired, we were both the worst version of ourselves when we were together. I would never suggest someone left there husband in this situation, it isn't the person it's the current situation causing the issues (she said he was better with the furst child when he didnt have a crazy schedule), there is always a way to change things, move jobs for example, I'd be suggesting this before good old mumsnet leave him advise!

FirstAidKitNowPlease · 27/08/2022 10:04

neshtastic · 27/08/2022 09:59

yes I am a single parent and work full time, I’ve always done both.
There’s a reason I look forward to Saturdays and Sundays because they’re much less taxing than my working days.

So you've never been a full time SAHM then? So you haven't a clue, have you.

The op works full time too or did I mis-read that ?

SunnyD44 · 27/08/2022 10:06

So you've never been a full time SAHM then? So you haven't a clue, have you.

@neshtastic my apologies when my DD was very young I was homeless so had no job and was on benefits.

So not exactly a SAHM because I didn’t have a partner bringing in money but it’s very close to it and actually more difficult as income support was only about £70 a week.

category12 · 27/08/2022 10:07

ThirteenLuckyForSome · 27/08/2022 10:02

@padsi1975 the man is out working earning to keep the family afloat, are you really suggesting she leaves her husband because he's exhausted from working? When I had my second child my husband was doing a mad schedule, it nearly broke us as we were both exhausted, BUT he was working the mad hours to improve our lives, which 5 years on we are now reaping the rewards from. We knew the situation wasn't forever and realised how things were between us was because of the work situation and us both being tired, we were both the worst version of ourselves when we were together. I would never suggest someone left there husband in this situation, it isn't the person it's the current situation causing the issues (she said he was better with the furst child when he didnt have a crazy schedule), there is always a way to change things, move jobs for example, I'd be suggesting this before good old mumsnet leave him advise!

Nah, I'd suggest she leaves at least temporarily because he's an angry man, he's a disengaged man, and a selfish man, who puts his own comfort and sleep first while not wanting her to get support or respite elsewhere, despite being unwilling to give it himself.

Topgub · 27/08/2022 10:11

@ThirteenLuckyForSome

If you were working mad hours to support your family would you ignore your family when you weren't at work?

Brigante9 · 27/08/2022 10:12

Get a decent bed in the spare room. Your DH sounds like he’s totally checked out of parenting.

Nanny0gg · 27/08/2022 10:15

trampolinegame · 27/08/2022 08:56

It's interesting you mention staying with family. I did that already a couple of months ago and it helped a lot.

The other day I had a really bad day and told him that I'll need to go away again if I'm struggling again badly.

He said I don't want to keep the family together etc and have no loyalty to my family... I said no, it's about survival at the moment. If a few weeks with a bit of support helps me, you should be supportive of that.

He's not.

Show quote history

Did he want your youngest child? If so, why as he's clearly not interested?

Nanny0gg · 27/08/2022 10:15

FirstAidKitNowPlease · 27/08/2022 10:04

The op works full time too or did I mis-read that ?

Show quote history

You read right. She's on Mat leave at present

Alconleigh · 27/08/2022 10:16

Unfortunately it does sound like he doesn't want to be a parent. Which is heartbreaking, but you can't make him engage. I would go for some family support again and decide if you want to stay in this marriage. Because I can't see anything positive he brings to your life. And as they get older, the children will feel his lack of love and interest in them.

Somethingsnappy · 27/08/2022 10:18

SunnyD44 · 27/08/2022 09:45

@Somethingsnappy so are you honestly telling me that if DH was a SAHP and OP came on here and said she’d had her first day off in 13 days and DH woke her up at 7am to keep him company - you would say that’s fine?

You’d say good on DH as him being a SAHP means he is more entitled to a lie in than you who has just done 13 days?

I’m struggling to believe you would.

Yes, I am absolutely saying this. If he was a SAHP, up through the night with the babies, then if course I would say he should have an equal amount of lie-ins? If not more, in all honesty. The person who has had a full and unbroken night's sleep every day, will not need to catch up on their sleep in the same way as the parents who's been up through the night will.

fyn · 27/08/2022 10:19

My husband works 12 hour days in a very high pressure job where mistakes would have very large consequences. Sometimes he does 2 weeks straight too. We take turns on his days off getting up with the toddler who still doesn’t sleep through and having lay in. Why can’t he take it in turns with you, he’s getting full nights sleeps every night and you aren’t ever!

TooMuchToDoTooLittleInclination · 27/08/2022 10:19

trampolinegame · 27/08/2022 09:31

The bed. You're being a martyr. You chose to co sleep, you chose to go into the other room you're choosing to have the less comfortable bed, that's ALL within your ability to change.

Not at all. I don't co sleep for one, the baby is in its own bed. Secondly, he's the one who doesn't want us in the bedroom with him and he's the one who can't sleep in the spare room. I didn't choose it. I'm doing it to make his life easier, because he can't have it any other way. I tried recently to sleep in bed with him again and the baby woke him up and he was angry about it.

@trampolinegame

well you said:

I sleep with the baby and he gets the nice bed to himself, every night. Uninterrupted sleep. While I slog it in the rubbish bed with the baby

that, to me, definitely implies co-sleeping. However, it's not that important either way.

You ARE choosing these things! Sleep in the main bed, if HE doesn't like it, he can move into the spare room, if HE doesn't find it comfortable he can either cope with it, move back into the main bed or get a new mattress. He doesn't get to tell you where you can/can't sleep. He gets angry. So?? Unless you're physically scared of him, let him get as angry as he likes. If you're scared of him. MOVE OUT.

You ARE choosing to make his life easier, that's a CHOICE. He CAN have it another way.

if you're actually scared of him, make plans to move out, you have family you can go to. If you're not scared of him, stop pussy footing around him & stand up for yourself.

Topgub · 27/08/2022 10:21

I work long hours in a hugely stressful role.

I need time off from both work and parenting. Which I make sure I get.

However that does not mean I can completely absolve my self of any parenting responsibilities

Topgub · 27/08/2022 10:21

Oh, and my job is definitely absolutely much harder than being a sahm.

FirstAidKitNowPlease · 27/08/2022 10:22

@ Nanny0gg thank you

So many marriages break at this tricky time when kids are young.

I would like to know what kind of work he does. Is it the type of work where he can 'be busy' and 'need to attend to emails' all the time (ie can absent himself as he sees fit) or structured work, time shifts etc where he's out of the house all those hours (I know there's masses in between those however)

The former suggests he's using it as a coping / hiding strategy. The latter is a challenge. What will happen when OP returns to work post mat leave? I guess he won't be doing half the nursery drops and taking sick days when needed without notice.

Mamansparkles · 27/08/2022 10:22

OP it sounds exhausting (for you!) If he was trying to engage and had his lie in the morning of his day off and in exchange took the kids so you could have a good 3 hour nap in the afternoon that would be different, but from everything you have said he isn't doing that.
He works hard, but so do you. I think the posters saying 'work is harder than childcare so he should get a lie in' are missing the fact that not only are you working every day looking after 2 young children, you don't get to sleep at night - he does! You are far more sleep deprived than he is with the wake ups, he is making you sleep on a less comfy bed.... in this situation no he doesn't get a lie in! And I say this as someone who has done this the other way round, me working 13 long days a fortnight at one point and DH as a SAHD. Whoever does the night wakings gets the lie in.
The poster who is insisting he shouldn't be woken up to keep the OP company also seems to be missing that OP would like him to generally keep her company at weekends. She didnt say that is the reason she woke him up this morning, that was because she was exhausted and overwhelmed after a night of broken sleep and needed help!
Ignore him OP and go to your family for a few weeks. Get some sleep and support and think about what you want to do. If he says you are breaking the family up, tell him no, it is him who is breaking the family up by making your life impossible.

MrsTimRiggins · 27/08/2022 10:23

neshtastic · 27/08/2022 09:58

I dislike this outlook.

My husband doesn't 'facilitate' me staying at home. We decided together that I'd work in the home, and he'd work out of it.

If women don't appreciate the hard work being a SAHM is, then what hope have we got

Show quote history

My whole other post is basically saying that being a SAHM is fucking hard.. obviously I do appreciate what hard work it is given I do it myself. The very point of that post was that it’s hard work!! Anyway, DH does facilitate it, financially, given if he didn’t, we wouldn’t have a home, making being a stay at home mum pretty hard. Equally I facilitate him working the hours he does, because he couldn’t do it with DC in tow. He would be fucked without me and I’d be lost without him. Let’s not pick one word and take from that that I’m unappreciative of what SAHMs do.

FirstAidKitNowPlease · 27/08/2022 10:24

fyn · 27/08/2022 10:19

My husband works 12 hour days in a very high pressure job where mistakes would have very large consequences. Sometimes he does 2 weeks straight too. We take turns on his days off getting up with the toddler who still doesn’t sleep through and having lay in. Why can’t he take it in turns with you, he’s getting full nights sleeps every night and you aren’t ever!

This is the kind of work I'm referring to in that it's non negotiable and needs to be given space. If for example the Op partner is brain surgeon it's different to him being a management consultant (where many organisations are very family friendly these days)

Sushi7 · 27/08/2022 10:25

I would give him an ultimatum: he needs to reduce his hours to a max 40hrs per week/find a new job or you will leave. He has checked out of family life and values work more. Also, HE can move into the smaller room if he wants to sleep alone. You should have the main bedroom.

Thornethorn · 27/08/2022 10:25

Look you've got a huge point but if actions are a language, there were other ways to say this that wouldn't have made you look potentially petty. Sit down with him and actually talk.