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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIUB to have woken my DH today ?

293 replies

trampolinegame · 27/08/2022 07:18

He works a lot. Has maybe one day off a week, sometimes one day every two weeks.

When he is home, he's not particularly helpful with the kids or forthcoming.

I take care of everything else. Nights/ days. We have a small baby and a toddler. On his days off I always let him sleep as long as he wants, while I wrangle the kids by myself. I sleep with the baby and he gets the nice bed to himself, every night. Uninterrupted sleep. While I slog it in the rubbish bed with the baby. Because he has to be up early for work etc.

I have to ask him to do everything if he does partake at all in family life. He'll never just change the babies nappy while he's home or play with the toddler really. He just retreats. Always has other stuff to do for work etc.

Anyhow, this morning I saw he had again closed his bedroom door on us. He fell asleep with the door open, but then obviously closed it when he heard the baby this morning or in the night etc.

It just pissed me off. He's done it before. One morning I was really losing it from lack of sleep and I was just shouting to myself and rather than coming to help / see what's happening, he just closed his door on us / me.

Anyway, so this morning I just opened his door and let the toddler go in. He's now really angry with me.

OP posts:
MummyJ36 · 27/08/2022 08:53

Did you have any discussion about childcare when you agreed to have a second child? I’m assuming he works in a government role of some sort which is maybe why things are affected by covid/brexit?
As others have said you need to have calm chat with him about how you’re feeling and take his issues on board too. If there really isn’t a way around this Id suggest moving out for a bit and staying with family (who are in a position to support you) or look into some form of childcare for both kids so you can at least get a break in the daytime to catch up on sleep.

Creepymanonagoatfarm · 27/08/2022 08:54

Ask him genuinely what sort of relationship he sees himself having with his dc long term. Ime the parent who does the Dkn

NightDreaming · 27/08/2022 08:54

trampolinegame · 27/08/2022 07:47

I just have more tolerance for discomfort at night time..

Show quote history

There clearly needs to be a change in your relationship, how he views his & your roles. But being honest could take time and involve open conversations that you seem to be trying to have but he is closed off to.

However, for now, i think you need to focus on this issue. Can you improve your second bed? Get a new mattress or something? There is no need to have a rubbish bed, particularly one that is being slept in every night. And once it’s improved he should be sleeping in it. You & baby get the double.

(He should be sleeping in it now but I understand being the partner so is better on less sleep and therefore puts up with worse sleeping arrangements)

xx

Original poster
trampolinegame · 27/08/2022 08:56

MummyJ36 · 27/08/2022 08:53

Did you have any discussion about childcare when you agreed to have a second child? I’m assuming he works in a government role of some sort which is maybe why things are affected by covid/brexit?
As others have said you need to have calm chat with him about how you’re feeling and take his issues on board too. If there really isn’t a way around this Id suggest moving out for a bit and staying with family (who are in a position to support you) or look into some form of childcare for both kids so you can at least get a break in the daytime to catch up on sleep.

It's interesting you mention staying with family. I did that already a couple of months ago and it helped a lot.

The other day I had a really bad day and told him that I'll need to go away again if I'm struggling again badly.

He said I don't want to keep the family together etc and have no loyalty to my family... I said no, it's about survival at the moment. If a few weeks with a bit of support helps me, you should be supportive of that.

He's not.

OP posts:
SunnyD44 · 27/08/2022 08:59

@Somethingsnappy There are no days for OP to have a lie in which is why I said his work is incompatible with family life.

OP has said he’s not choosing to work these hours or only have 1 day off.

If he had 2 days off a week and wanted a lie in on both days then it would be different, but he doesn’t.

The person who works 6/13 straight trumps the person who stays at home for lie ins.
It is mentally and physically more taxing working every day.
If you’re at home all day then you can nap or have a lazy day. You can’t do that at work obviously.

I do not believe that if OP came on here and said she works 13 days straight and DH woke her at 7am on her one day off ‘to keep her company’ she’d have the same opinions as everyone has shared.

But of course it’s MN so the man can do no right and the women can do no wrong.

Somethingsnappy · 27/08/2022 09:05

@SunnyD44. How can she be lazy or have a nap with both a baby and a toddler?

And why should the person who works 6/13 trump the needs of the person who works 14/14, and through the night too?

Goldbar · 27/08/2022 09:07

It's all about him, isn't it? You're just there to serve him.

Go to your family and have a rest. He's made it clear he doesn't care about 'family' or you.

GlueyMooey · 27/08/2022 09:07

YABU

Working long hours 13 days straight must be exhausting. I know having little kids is tiring too but it's very different. You are at home and unless the kids have serious issues you get plenty of time to relax and have fun.

You can do things when you like and you aren't goring to get in trouble.
You woke him up to spite him. That was immature and unkind.
He needs to engage when he is not working but you are doing it the wrong way.
What hours does he work?

RunningSME · 27/08/2022 09:09

The thing is the early years with children are really fucking boring and the parents that are in the middle of it, I see this with my family they think that everything their three-year-old does is massively fascinating and sadly it really really isn’t it’s tedious.
but if you love that three-year-old and you’re actually emotionally invested in it everything they do is magical. he really does need to have a big sit down and I think about what he wants from his life.

perhaps go to your mothers for the weekend to give him time to think about whether he misses you all or not.

ChristmasSirens · 27/08/2022 09:09

🤣🤣🤣
“The person who works 6/13 straight trumps the person who stays at home for lie ins.
It is mentally and physically more taxing working every day.

If you’re at home all day then you can nap or have a lazy day. You can’t do that at work obviously.”

@SunnyD44 - You are absolutely joking, now. I will not call you a troll as it’s against the rules but that’s hysterical. Up with a baby all through the night then running round 24/7 after a baby and a toddler, or working long hours in an office but getting a full night’s sleep - anyone who has done both knows the 24/7 baby wrangling is a much tougher gig.

ChristmasSirens · 27/08/2022 09:10

And I say this as someone who currently works full time, pretty long hours.

MrsTimRiggins · 27/08/2022 09:13

I really feel for you. My husband works stupid fucking hours (he had a half day off Thursday but before that his last full day off was 31st July… and he still did an hour or two in the morning, organising the guys who work for us. A normal day is 7am-11pm/12pm/1am… or later. We have our own business, in agriculture, and the hours are what they are, as shit as they are. So I feel your pain with the feeling that you’re on your own BUT when he’s around, my husband is present. He doesn’t have lie ins and he mucks in with our family life. It doesn’t sound like yours is present or remotely helpful really, and that’s shit. It also sounds like you’ve spoken to him about how you’re feeling numerous times and this hasn’t got you anywhere at all. He also sounds a bit unkind, laying into you saying you don’t want to keep the family together is so unfair!!
I wish I knew what the answer is, but if he really won’t take on board your opinions, recognise the issues and actually step up… your options are, I would say, somewhat limited… put up and accept it or leave.

MrsTimRiggins · 27/08/2022 09:14

Also!! I appreciate every second I can spend with my DC, and I appreciate my husband for facilitating me being at home… but it’s still tough and it’s relentless. Just because it’s one doesn’t mean it’s not the other!

Womblealongwithme · 27/08/2022 09:15

SunnyD44 · 27/08/2022 08:37

I understand with his schedule I will do most of it. I just wish when he was here, he actually wanted to be and showed more interest, willingness and passion for his family.

Instead he seems bored, fed up and we argue all the time.

Absolutely!
But that doesn’t mean he should be waking up at 7am on his one day off.

But what he is doing is practically slave labour and he must be exhausted, which is going to take a massive toll on your relationship.

What time does he get home?
He should absolutely be involved with parenting and helping with bedtime etc.
He would want to do this too.

Are you missing the part where the OP does everything else? That she sleeps with a baby every single night on an uncomfortable bed so that he gets proper sleep? That he doesn't engage with his family when he is there?

What a shit way for any parent to behave for their children. How can you think that's ok?

SunnyD44 · 27/08/2022 09:15

And why should the person who works 6/13 trump the needs of the person who works 14/14, and through the night too?

It’s completely different.

Mon-fri I’m much more tired than sat & sun.

Because with work you have to be up, dressed, smiling, on the ball etc.

Whereas at home you can just stay in your PJs if you need to. If you’re not feeling great or tired you don’t need to do the washing, hoovering etc and have much more flexibility in your day.

I’m not saying being a parent isn’t difficult because we all know it is but OP has said that DH cannot change his hours.

This isn’t someone who has days off but goes and does a hobby all day.

Of course when he’s home he should be present and do his fair share of the parenting but there’s absolutely no need to wake someone up at 7am when you know how exhausted they are.

category12 · 27/08/2022 09:16

He said I don't want to keep the family together etc and have no loyalty to my family... I said no, it's about survival at the moment. If a few weeks with a bit of support helps me, you should be supportive of that

Oh so he would rather you struggle and makes emotionally blackmailing threats (you're not keeping the family together) than actually let you get respite or , heaven forbid , show an interest or help himself?

Nice. 🙄

Womblealongwithme · 27/08/2022 09:16

SunnyD44 · 27/08/2022 08:59

@Somethingsnappy There are no days for OP to have a lie in which is why I said his work is incompatible with family life.

OP has said he’s not choosing to work these hours or only have 1 day off.

If he had 2 days off a week and wanted a lie in on both days then it would be different, but he doesn’t.

The person who works 6/13 straight trumps the person who stays at home for lie ins.
It is mentally and physically more taxing working every day.
If you’re at home all day then you can nap or have a lazy day. You can’t do that at work obviously.

I do not believe that if OP came on here and said she works 13 days straight and DH woke her at 7am on her one day off ‘to keep her company’ she’d have the same opinions as everyone has shared.

But of course it’s MN so the man can do no right and the women can do no wrong.

You're either on the wind up or don't have children and haven't a clue. One or the other.

Maireas · 27/08/2022 09:17

It's another dad who doesn't really want to fully engage in family life, like others on these boards, the Brazilian holiday one being a recent example.
I do wonder what discussions were held when these couples were planning children, and how some of these men imagined it would pan out.

SunnyD44 · 27/08/2022 09:19

@Womblealongwithme please don’t put words in my mouth.
I never said any of that was ok.
OP asked if she should have woken her DH up at 7am which I think she’s BU for.

@ChristmasSirens yes I am a single parent and work full time, I’ve always done both.
There’s a reason I look forward to Saturdays and Sundays because they’re much less taxing than my working days.

Do you find your working days easier than your weekends or do you find the weekends more difficult?

Original poster
trampolinegame · 27/08/2022 09:19

GlueyMooey · 27/08/2022 09:07

YABU

Working long hours 13 days straight must be exhausting. I know having little kids is tiring too but it's very different. You are at home and unless the kids have serious issues you get plenty of time to relax and have fun.

You can do things when you like and you aren't goring to get in trouble.
You woke him up to spite him. That was immature and unkind.
He needs to engage when he is not working but you are doing it the wrong way.
What hours does he work?

I appreciate a different view and I don't usually wake him up. I think if he was more present and just generally helpful when around, it wouldn't be as big of an issue for me. I also think if he said it's fine for me to go and get support from family for a few weeks, without accusing me of breaking up the family - I also would resent him less. His hours are relentless.

But I take your point on board. I usually spare him the mornings because I do feel his schedule trumps mine. I just get frustrated when he can hear I am at my limit and he still won't step in and just shuts the door on us.

I try my best to help him with his schedule. I take care of everything house and child related and I don't even push us to do family days out ( we never have them because he just wants to chill on the sofa on his days off ).

OP posts:
Maireas · 27/08/2022 09:21

Can you start a conversation about parenting and work and shared responsibility? Is he in the mindset to work things out?

LannieDuck · 27/08/2022 09:22

On his days off I always let him sleep as long as he wants, while I wrangle the kids by myself. I sleep with the baby and he gets the nice bed to himself, every night.

This is a problem. I do agree that he should get a lie in one day a week... but so should you. If he's so adamant he needs to recover after a 6-day week... why doesn't that also apply to you?

Why does he always get the nice bed to himself when you're the one having broken sleep?

It sounds very much as if he just wants to ignore the kids and be comfortable. He doesn't give a second thought about you, as long as your discomfort and exhaustion doesn't impact him.

TooMuchToDoTooLittleInclination · 27/08/2022 09:22

Well I'm going against the grain a bit, but not entirely.

I'll start by saying that waking him up early by opening the door & letting the toddler rampage was an own goal. A ridiculous move on the first day of his weeks holiday. You should have let him sleep today & then discussed the plans for sleep ins for you both this week.

you say he's not choosing these days/hours he working, you don't want to discuss it, so we'll just take that as a given. Then one day off work a week or a fortnight, isn't much at all and so yes, I DO think he gets to lie in on that day.

The bed. You're being a martyr. You chose to co sleep, you chose to go into the other room you're choosing to have the less comfortable bed, that's ALL within your ability to change.

yes, it would be nice if he wanted to be more engaged with you & the kids when he was home, but I don't believe he's had a personality transplant since before you had the kids. You still chose him to be your DH & father of your children.

it's not surprising he doesn't want you to take the children away for weeks. He might not be exactly Daddy Daycare when he is home, but he's working very long hours for your family, so...

I'm not surprised he's 'in a mood' now, I would be too, having a toddler thrown at me early on my first morning off. It was a dick & daft move by you.

move back into the bed with him, put the baby in a 'next to you' type thing. Start reconnecting as a couple. While he's off talk ti him about what he needs to deal with this work schedule, what you need as a SAHM & what the kids need from you both. Work as a team, not you & the kids v him.

see if you still want to be in this marriage or not.

ChristmasSirens · 27/08/2022 09:22

SunnyD44 · 27/08/2022 09:19

@Womblealongwithme please don’t put words in my mouth.
I never said any of that was ok.
OP asked if she should have woken her DH up at 7am which I think she’s BU for.

@ChristmasSirens yes I am a single parent and work full time, I’ve always done both.
There’s a reason I look forward to Saturdays and Sundays because they’re much less taxing than my working days.

Do you find your working days easier than your weekends or do you find the weekends more difficult?

Actually, without help, I find weekends a lot harder. At work I can plan my time, take a (short) break.

SunnyD44 · 27/08/2022 09:23

It sounds like you’re both a breaking point.

What is he like after work?

He obviously can’t help during the day if he’s not there but there’s nothing stopping him helping after work.