Friend’s outburst at us about cost of living…

[thequeenoftheandals]

i don’t know whether I’m being unreasonable or not but I’m feeling pretty miffed/confused...

i got into a ‘thing’ with a friend of mine (T) over the weekend. I don’t know if this is relevant but we met at uni over a decade ago but she decided not to continue with the vocation like me (she didn’t want to do a post graduate diploma) and as such never qualified like I did. She threw herself into family life and unlike me, she has been blessed with beautiful kids (3 gorgeous children). Her husband inherited from a great aunt a little while ago which allowed them to buy a lovely house in a lovely area. We have a not so lovely flat in an even unlovelier area. Both our husbands work within the same(ish) field/role.

We (me, DH, T and T’s DH) all met up for dinner at ours and we got chatting about life in general and the conversation got onto the higher costs of living and how life in the UK just felt a bit dreary. T said something like ‘oh don’t try to complain like you and DH can relate to our problems’ in a really scoffy, dismissive, brash way. When she saw my very confused face, she continued that DH & I shouldn’t complain about the increases because there’s only two of us (no kids, no school fees/no childcare costs), we can better absorb the increases and she was bored of hearing ‘people like us’ complaining.

DH and I work really hard, and we have worked really, really hard, to get to where we are professionally and as such are riddled with student debt. Yes we are super blessed with having a decent salary and we do have less outgoings than most (I would LOVE to cry about school-fees and nursery costs but alas we don’t have kids) but that doesn’t mean the increase cost of living doesn’t impact us. DH tried to shut the convo down and say he couldn’t be bothered to get into the financial intricacies but she was wrong and that the cost of living was increasing so much for everyone that only millionaires wouldn’t feel the pinch. But she got visibly really pissed off that we tried to defend our positions. The whole time after she looked so annoyed, and didn’t really engage in the conversation with the three of us. T’s husband spent the rest of dinner looking like he wanted the ground to swallow him whole and he profusely apologised to both DH and I for T’s behaviour and the resulting awkwardness. They didn’t stay very long and T didn’t message to let me know she had got home (which she would have done normally) nor thank me for hosting. it’s been a few days and I still feel a little weird after T’s outburst.

Am I unreasonable for thinking, and saying out loud, the cost of living is shit for everyone? I know, once again, how lucky I am. I feel like we are doing as much as we can as a couple - we’ve upped our monthly charitable donations. We’ve offered to pay for DH sister’s baby’s nursery fees for the rest of the year so she’s not forking out. We always, always act as charitable wherever we can. But we know that we won’t be saving as much, and as such we too need to tighten our belt. Am I dick for feeling a bit miffed at my friend?

You are right to feel miffed. But times are strange. Everybody is envious of everybody else. Best to avoid the cost of living topic as much as you can; I do!

It was her choice to have 3 DC and not study further though. Perhaps she is regretting her choices but she should not take it out on you.

everyone has their own problems with the raise in prices. It’s not just exclusive to parents.

She is being incredibly entitled to think you don’t have problems simply because you don’t have children.

Yanbu

Did you not point out to her that 1. She chose to have 3 kids, 2. She is choosing to pay for schooling, 3. She has benefitted from a massive inheritance and 4. How lucky she is to have been able to have kids?

She's a selfish insensitive person who doesn't realise how lucky she has it.

T sounds like a bitch.

I bet you are more generous to her.

Ignore her pls, don’t run around after her trying to make up.

If you’re able to donate lots to charity and pay your SILs’ nursery fees (wow!) then you must be on quite some salary. Maybe she feels like you’ll be insulated from the cost of living rises?

YANBU. She chose to have three children, and by the sound of it she has chosen to send them to private school. She has no right to complain when other people spend their money differently.

T doesn’t sound a very nice person. Insensitive and rude. It would put me off tbh and I would struggle to be friends with her.

having children is expensive though so she has got a point but it is probably best left unsaid and I try and avoid this subject from now on if you don’t want to fall out!

Having children is definitely expensive, but a choice.

If T's husband apologised, then clearly she was quite nasty.

I donate to charity -£10 a month - and in effect pay for my DDs nursery fees as I look after her children 1 day a week, thus saving her around £70 a week.
maybe the OP only pays for 1 day of nursery fees and bungs a tenner to the local food bank each month.

To be fair, if you still comfortably donate to charities and are paying someone else’s childcare fees, you probably aren’t feeling the strain of the cost of living. That being said, she’s very fortunate to have received an inheritance. Some people literally cannot put food on the table at the moment.
regardless of who’s worse off, she was rude to have an outburst and scoff at you, and rude to not thank you fir hosting.

Your friend sounds rude, but she has a point. If you can afford to pay someone else’s child’s nursery fees and up your charity donations, you’re really not feeling the pinch. Especially not to the point that someone with three children will.

That said, if the other couple were ever in a position to afford school fees and nursery for three children, I’m not sure they’re the most deserving of sympathy about the cost of living either.

I mean in fairness OP, whilst her behaviour was wrong, if you’re now upping your charity contributions and paying someone else’s childcare you’re probably less impacted by the cost of living increase than many others.

Sounds like she’s stressed about finances and has unfairly taken it out on you. I would re evaluate the friendship and see how you feel if she apologises.

Nobody knows the ins and outs of other people's financial situation, so generally I find it best to not discuss this sort of thing in detail. An example could be that from reading your post I might presume that you actually can't be finding things too difficult if you are upping your charity contributions and offering to pay relative's nursery fees.
In reality though that I only know those 2 things and therefore can't really comment.
Basically she was wrong to judge your situation. As an aside though, even if it's not your case, you don't have to feel guilty if by any chance you won't be struggling this winter. Sometimes it does seem a little off if people who "appear" to have lots of spare cash talk about the cost of living.

If OP is less impacted by the cost of living than others, it is because she has made sensible choices, no? She does not deserve snide comments.

Your friend was being a dick. Even if the cost of living increase isn't impacting on you as much as it will on her, it doesn't mean it won't affect you at all, and it doesn't mean it's not a valid topic of conversation. Also, just because someone is well off, that doesn't mean they can't be worried for the state of the country as a whole.

Also, school fees? Pretty sure a lot of people would think someone who can afford private education for their children is not likely to end up on the breadline any time soon. At worst, her child might have to move to a state school. It's not exactly an eat-or-heat style dilemma, is it? So if she thinks you shouldn't be mentioning the subject of cost of living increases because you're well off, she probably ought to consider keeping quiet about it herself, too.

It was also really insensitive or even downright cruel of her to suggest that you're lucky not to have the expense of children.

The point of this isn't really the ins and outs of your actual financial situation

The point is she came into your home, had a single agenda & was overly domineering in her views, didn't listen when your DH said he didn't really want to discuss it and then acted like a child afterward by not thank you for hosting.

We've all had a few heated exchanges over wine before I'm sure.. we all need to know when to let it go.
Doesn't really matter if it was sex, politics or money you were talking about, her handling of the social situation and conversation was pretty poor.

I wouldn't be dining with her for a while.

Yes because all poor people just made bad decisions

I'd keep that topic off the table in future. Is she normally one for comparing your lives?

I don’t think T sounds like she’s poor! 3 kids, lovely home, private education...

Maybe they have some financial problems you know nothing about and she got upset. It isn't worth falling out about money.

The reality is you are in a great position (I am too so no judgement and I still worry about it even though I know we can pay the higher bills) and you should feel happy that you can share that around.

If OP is less impacted by the cost of living than others, it is because she has made sensible choices, no? She does not deserve snide comments.

The second part of that comment is correct: the OP does not deserve snide comments at all and T was in the wrong to have a go at her.

But you're very naive if you think wealth is just for people who make 'sensible choices'. People can make perfectly sensible choices all their lives and still end up with bugger-all money (my mum is one of them), and people can be irresponsible pricks who are well off through sheer luck. So while I'm sure the OP has worked hard to get where she is, that doesn't mean she simply made choices that were more sensible than the choices of 'others' who are less well off.

Her friend isn't poor. She has 3 DC in private school. That is a choice.

I didn't say at any time that poor people made bad decisions!

Anyway, I think comparing lives over dinner is in bad taste. One never knows what expenses the other person may have, including some they may not want to talk about, like for ill health.

She sounds unhinged and jealous.

Just keep topics about money and bimls vague from now on. Don't get into conversations that can trigger another outburst. She's probably stressing about it. (I am too! But I'd never lose my shit about it and speak to a friend like that!)