Friend’s outburst at us about cost of living…

[thequeenoftheandals]

i don’t know whether I’m being unreasonable or not but I’m feeling pretty miffed/confused...

i got into a ‘thing’ with a friend of mine (T) over the weekend. I don’t know if this is relevant but we met at uni over a decade ago but she decided not to continue with the vocation like me (she didn’t want to do a post graduate diploma) and as such never qualified like I did. She threw herself into family life and unlike me, she has been blessed with beautiful kids (3 gorgeous children). Her husband inherited from a great aunt a little while ago which allowed them to buy a lovely house in a lovely area. We have a not so lovely flat in an even unlovelier area. Both our husbands work within the same(ish) field/role.

We (me, DH, T and T’s DH) all met up for dinner at ours and we got chatting about life in general and the conversation got onto the higher costs of living and how life in the UK just felt a bit dreary. T said something like ‘oh don’t try to complain like you and DH can relate to our problems’ in a really scoffy, dismissive, brash way. When she saw my very confused face, she continued that DH & I shouldn’t complain about the increases because there’s only two of us (no kids, no school fees/no childcare costs), we can better absorb the increases and she was bored of hearing ‘people like us’ complaining.

DH and I work really hard, and we have worked really, really hard, to get to where we are professionally and as such are riddled with student debt. Yes we are super blessed with having a decent salary and we do have less outgoings than most (I would LOVE to cry about school-fees and nursery costs but alas we don’t have kids) but that doesn’t mean the increase cost of living doesn’t impact us. DH tried to shut the convo down and say he couldn’t be bothered to get into the financial intricacies but she was wrong and that the cost of living was increasing so much for everyone that only millionaires wouldn’t feel the pinch. But she got visibly really pissed off that we tried to defend our positions. The whole time after she looked so annoyed, and didn’t really engage in the conversation with the three of us. T’s husband spent the rest of dinner looking like he wanted the ground to swallow him whole and he profusely apologised to both DH and I for T’s behaviour and the resulting awkwardness. They didn’t stay very long and T didn’t message to let me know she had got home (which she would have done normally) nor thank me for hosting. it’s been a few days and I still feel a little weird after T’s outburst.

Am I unreasonable for thinking, and saying out loud, the cost of living is shit for everyone? I know, once again, how lucky I am. I feel like we are doing as much as we can as a couple - we’ve upped our monthly charitable donations. We’ve offered to pay for DH sister’s baby’s nursery fees for the rest of the year so she’s not forking out. We always, always act as charitable wherever we can. But we know that we won’t be saving as much, and as such we too need to tighten our belt. Am I dick for feeling a bit miffed at my friend?

Wow - what a cow. Insults you & your fertility Then GASLIGHTS you to make you doubt yourself & worry if it’s your own fault for being over sensitive!!!

If that’s the case why was her DH embarrassed & apologising for her at the table - aware of how out of order she was being??

So my advice was to give a good friend a pass given stress etc she could be under but her actions now suggest she is resentful & jealous of your financial position & used something she perceives you don’t have (unlike financial security) - but that she does (ie children atm) to undermine & attack you.

No concern as to your feelings only prioritising her own in the situation “this has passed me off now” etc etc
True friends care about each other’s feelings even if they are going through a hard time.

So you’ve seen her true colours OP - unfortunately if this is the first/only time you’ve got to see it. At least you have now.

From what you’ve written, you ‘told her off’ for 3 things 1) snapping at your dh 2) being aloof and cold 3) telling you you’re ‘lucky’ you are ‘just the two of us’.

Did you say it like that? I’m not trying to defend her, I’m just asking because if you did, she won’t have taken kindly to that with the type of personality you’re describing. I get it, I have done the same in the past, expecting that if you explain what upset you, they’ll empathise and apologise.

Her response was not what you needed and were looking for. You are not prepared to listen to her rants and agenda. There doesn’t seem to be much left to say anymore.

She doesn’t sound a great friend, OP. I’m sorry.

When I was reading about the dinner it was hard to have a clear view of who was in the wrong, as a few different aspects/ nuances could have pulled the conversation in different directions.

Reading her reply to your message makes me think that she is either 1) not a good friend or 2) having something really big happening to her that you don't know about. Nonetheless, I would take a step back.

As my name states, I don't BS, I have in a few past occasions been too direct and hurt a friends feeling. If a friend comes to me and tells me I upset them, I might try to explain what I was thinking at the time. Nevertheless, they will always get an apology. If I care for someone and consider them my friend my moral code says I need to apologise for hurting them.

I've not lost many friends but I had one where out of the blue they sent me a pages long horrendous letter about how awful I was, listing all my flaws. I hadn't heard from her for a year, in spite of sending cards for birthdays and Christmas. Some points were fair, some really not. If I was the person in the letter I can safely say I would have no friends.

I wrote back to her but by email, addressing some points, leaving some manifestly unfair ones unaddressed and explaining why I had done some of the things I had done. All I got back was to ask why I thought it appropriate not to respond to all the points in the letter and how I hadn't given it adequate consideration. That was the end of that decade long friendship in 24 hours. I'm still hurt years on. I hope I recycled the letter but I'm not sure.

Sooo T's DH (M) called DH this evening. Apparently T had told him when he got home from work the messages we had exchanged and how upset she was that I hadn't messaged her back. M was annoyed and said he wanted to apologise to both of us separately but "knew if had called me directly, T would hit the roof...". To me it means shes not at all even willing to consider where she could potentially be in the wrong. M said he felt really embarrassed about what T had said, especially the thick skin comments as he knows that DH has severe psoriatic arthritis and has had patches of really thick skin on his body, and M said he felt ashamed to think DH could be upset about T making comments about his skin condition - to be fair, neither of us had thought that nor made any kind of correlation, until M had mentioned it. I think it is sooooo weird that M automatically assumes the worst in his wife (I mean who the fck would be so nasty to make bitchy comments about their “friend’s” visible health condition??!!) To be entirely honest, I was considering reverting to type and responding to T in a few days to keep it civil (we share mutual friends etc) but to be honest after hearing that possibility, I think absolutely fuck it, fuck her and fuck this friendship because I am beyond furious at just the thought of her making nasty comments about my DH’s health.

M kept repeating that he doesn't know what's gotten into T and why she's behaving like this and said it isn't just me/us she’s doing this with (which I thought was quite telling). DH asked if all was okay generally and M confirmed yes, all is fine. After this confirmation DH gently but firmly cut the convo, saying he sympathised with M but didn't think T would take too kindly if she found out that M had been confiding to us about his issues with T. M is smart enough to understand the 'not our circus; not our monkey' message that DH was conveying. I don’t want to get dragged into any issues they may be having, whether as a result of our disastrous dinner or not, and now that M confirmed there’s no ‘major problem’ (eg health issues) there is no desire or feeling of duty to reach out to T and engage further.

M said he really hoped that we would be able to forgive T for her bad behaviour and that in time things could go back to normal. I didn't say anything (why give the man false hope?) but did say I hoped that the two DHs could keep their friendship going if they wanted to (he and DH get on really well).

I really don’t I want to be friends with Tasha anymore and it feels super weird to say that! It’s bad enough that I think she’s behaved appallingly with me, but the fact she’s made my awesome DH uncomfortable (first for snapping at him in his house, eating his food, when we had the stupid COL chat, and then making him feel crap for the ‘you’re lucky it’s just you two’ comments and now (potentially) regarding his health condition), nope, not having that. Wishing the very best of luck to her, but I’m too old to be having a ‘friendship’ like this. 🖕🏽👋🏽

Hmmm I actually think your text was quite passive aggressive and made things much worse. It was the 'are you okay hun?' type of thing I see on mumsnet a lot and hate. I'm not surprised she turned it around to 'are YOU okay?'... which obviously annoyed you (as it did her!).

Well, if you don't want to be friends any more then that's the end of that, surely? It does all sound quite childish.

OP you may want to edit that last post. I think you named the other person in it...

If you don't want to continue the friendship just let slide. It's beginning to sound like you just want people to rip into her even more. Maybe ask to have your last post edited. You named her.

'having thicker skin' is a completely normal thing to say in the context that she did. It's not a positive thing to say to someone. But I think you're reaching on that. And her DH is too. He seems to not like her either.

Your friend was very rude whether or not she feels the rise in the cost of living more than you do. But it is a good sign that her partner gets it. Your friend will almost certainly soon realise that she was out of order.

It's not your fault she had 3 kids op.

Thanks everyone for the flag, have asked MN to edit the name out.

Nope I didn’t do the penultimate update for anyone to shit on her, I don’t even want to shit on her. Whether or not she meant what she said and whether or not her DH thinking the worst of her is fair, I don’t think I trust her friendship anymore. And as bitchy as it may sound I’m glad I’m being backed by the two others who were also there else.

Thanks a lot for everyone for commenting on this post. It’s genuinely helped me assess how I come across and what I should (and shouldn’t) say!

Wow! Does that mean people struggling now have been “unwise” and it’s all their fault, the silly fools?

And fwiw op I was with you till all the lady bountiful stuff at the end. Not cool. I’ll not surprised T was miffed.

Why assume OP has told T about the money to charity and SIL’s nursery fees, and that T was therefore miffed?

Weird assumption to make.

Apparently T had told him when he got home from work the messages we had exchanged and how upset she was that I hadn't messaged her back.

So after ending her text to you with “Let’s just move on from this because this is pissing me off and I don’t need this right now…”, she STILL expected you to be the one to make things right, and you were going to do it in a few days. M has saved you from reviving this friendship with the twat.

OP, your last long update is revelling a bit in the negative machinations of your friend's own relationship with her DH: its only purpose really is to Be More Right, which is a bit unnecessary since literally no one thinks T was anything other than U. It's not particularly necessary to mention again how her DH was on your side and not hers - you've mentioned it several times in various ways and its starting to sound unkind.

I also think the 'thick skin' thing is reaching - it's a very common turn of phrase.

Your friend was BU. I would suggest distance and a bit of time, and hopefully the drama can settle and everyone can move on, in whatever shape that takes.

Don’t think OP is reaching with the thicker skin comment at all.

She didn’t think it at the time but given that her friend’s DH was cringing on their behalf he’s just validated for her that she was right to feel poorly treated by her friend. Hence why she feels justified by what he he’s said to her about & I think anyone would feel validated & heard in similar circumstances.

And whilst it is a common expression possibly said innocently -.the context & what the friend meant by it is not. She was gaslighting DH telling him to not be so sensitive & have a thicker skin!!

Ie blaming him for being affected by things. Not pleasant! And IMO this so called friend seems to have an uncanny knack for indirectly hitting on her supposed friends’ vulnerabilities ie fertility & their skin condition. Again not cool.

Clearly she’s not ok about something in her life. It’s a shame she’s responding like this -interesting her DH is saying she’s being out of character.

Definitely think you’re right to keep your guard up around her - but it may come out what’s eating her - although by then I think that ship will have sailed.

@ReneBumsWombats
That’s a bit unfair. Op is talking of herself and not about friend’s feelings because friend has been insensitive to OP’s fertility issues in her rage over her resentment over OP’s better financial condition.

Why friend feeling the financial pinch more than Op has more weight than Friend being insensitive about OP’s but infertility. Friend is not struggling she has a nice house in nice area, op has a flat in not that nice area, friend sends her 3 kids to private school. Why should op worry about friend’s so called financial problems? Friend could’ve mentioned that rather than being unkind to op.

Op your friend seems like a dominant character. She can be insensitive to you but if you unintentionally, she would lash out to you ( at dinner party).
You texted her and her reply with lol and then lashing out in her text and finally saying let’s move on as this is pissing her off - seems like only she is allowed to express herself and her feelings not you. She is the one to decide what is allowed to say or not, what is worth being sensitive about. It is not equal relationship.
Next time only invite those people on dinner who like you. At least you learnt your position in the friendship.

You seem like a nice person. You are receptive of criticism and willing to be mindful of your own behaviour, but she is not.

You will feel resentful of her eventually if you continue to be friends.

second line should read - if you are insensitive unintentionally