Friend’s outburst at us about cost of living…

[thequeenoftheandals]

i don’t know whether I’m being unreasonable or not but I’m feeling pretty miffed/confused...

i got into a ‘thing’ with a friend of mine (T) over the weekend. I don’t know if this is relevant but we met at uni over a decade ago but she decided not to continue with the vocation like me (she didn’t want to do a post graduate diploma) and as such never qualified like I did. She threw herself into family life and unlike me, she has been blessed with beautiful kids (3 gorgeous children). Her husband inherited from a great aunt a little while ago which allowed them to buy a lovely house in a lovely area. We have a not so lovely flat in an even unlovelier area. Both our husbands work within the same(ish) field/role.

We (me, DH, T and T’s DH) all met up for dinner at ours and we got chatting about life in general and the conversation got onto the higher costs of living and how life in the UK just felt a bit dreary. T said something like ‘oh don’t try to complain like you and DH can relate to our problems’ in a really scoffy, dismissive, brash way. When she saw my very confused face, she continued that DH & I shouldn’t complain about the increases because there’s only two of us (no kids, no school fees/no childcare costs), we can better absorb the increases and she was bored of hearing ‘people like us’ complaining.

DH and I work really hard, and we have worked really, really hard, to get to where we are professionally and as such are riddled with student debt. Yes we are super blessed with having a decent salary and we do have less outgoings than most (I would LOVE to cry about school-fees and nursery costs but alas we don’t have kids) but that doesn’t mean the increase cost of living doesn’t impact us. DH tried to shut the convo down and say he couldn’t be bothered to get into the financial intricacies but she was wrong and that the cost of living was increasing so much for everyone that only millionaires wouldn’t feel the pinch. But she got visibly really pissed off that we tried to defend our positions. The whole time after she looked so annoyed, and didn’t really engage in the conversation with the three of us. T’s husband spent the rest of dinner looking like he wanted the ground to swallow him whole and he profusely apologised to both DH and I for T’s behaviour and the resulting awkwardness. They didn’t stay very long and T didn’t message to let me know she had got home (which she would have done normally) nor thank me for hosting. it’s been a few days and I still feel a little weird after T’s outburst.

Am I unreasonable for thinking, and saying out loud, the cost of living is shit for everyone? I know, once again, how lucky I am. I feel like we are doing as much as we can as a couple - we’ve upped our monthly charitable donations. We’ve offered to pay for DH sister’s baby’s nursery fees for the rest of the year so she’s not forking out. We always, always act as charitable wherever we can. But we know that we won’t be saving as much, and as such we too need to tighten our belt. Am I dick for feeling a bit miffed at my friend?

You make it sound like OP is providing charity to a random child (nothing wrong with that either), she is not, she is supporting her Niece/Nephews through a very tough time. Also as a childless couple OP and her DH are likely to form a significant part of their life (more so than in other families) and if a good bond is formed, they will probably be assisting and supporting OP and her DH when they are elderly.

The fact that you're not able to have children is irrelevant here. What is relevant is that you don't have to pay for any children.
Are you sure you're not one of those people who feels poor when they're in fact well off, and insensitively goes on about how poor they are to people who have far less money?

It's possible they're having to consider removing the children from private school or downsizing.

I disagree with many posters, op made it clear that they will feel the effects of the rising costs, not as much as some but there will always be people struggling more. We will feel the pinch with groceries going up and energy prices, plus we have 3 kids. However we aren't on the bare bones of our arses so will prioritise meaning small monthly charity donations will continue but a holiday abroad (we haven't been for 7 years) is still looking unlikely as heating, eating and general life will take precedent. Doesn't mean I (or others in similar situations) can't complain just have to be mindful that some have it worse.

If the the child is 2.5 years old, they will be entitled to 3 year funding from the first term after their 3rd birthday and potentially 2 year funding too so she can use that for their hours at nursery so o need to pay if she can claim for those.

@thequeenoftheandals YANBU. Its hard to say however if your friend is being unreasonable either, depending on how the topic were discussed. She does sound quite rude. It's maybe her choice to send her kids privately, it doesn't mean she has plenty of money after each month. I'm not against anyone who sending their kids privately either, it could be the schools nearby are so bad or too difficult to get to all the state schools with all three. Of course it's their choice to have 3 kids, but doesn't mean they won't feel the pinch any less with current crisis (will probably even harder). We have quite decent salary between 2 of us, but with all of the outgoing and taxes going up at the same time, even just 10% rise in nursery fees for 1 child next month it's a massive hit for us. So I can totally feel for 3 kids.

I don't think you have done anything wrong op.
Everyone is feeling the pinch ( well not everyone but most people).
If you can't discuss such things with her then she is not a true friend.
It's very different if someone is an acquaintance, then I would say don't get into deep conversations.
Perhaps something else is going on in her life and stressing her out.
People are all different. I could give examples where I have inwardly thought "Seriously?" When people have said how much of a strain x and y is, but I just did and listen.

Tell her to fuck off everyone has less money
she turned it into the top trumps of race to the bottom

Just read your further posts about your friend sending her kids to private school. She clearly isn't struggling herself so it's unbelievable that she would have a go at you. There is no way I would keep this friendship. She sounds beyond dreadful.

T sounds horrible and you sound lovely.
You could suggest to her that she sell her lovely house and downsize. It’s as reasonable as moaning about the cost of kids to someone who would like to have them. V sorry, OP. It sounds v hurtful.

I'm disabled and on benefits, but will be OK. But I am so glad my children are grown up. I do feel for families though who will have to make tough choices, it's the guilt that you feel

My kids were early teens and were so good when times were hard for us (10 years ago ... no heating for two years as boiler had broken), but what was hard for me, was the guilt. But had they have been younger it would have been so much worse

I think that's why it feels so glum shopping, so many worried young families

I'm not saying things aren't going to be tough for people without children, but it is in general going to be tougher for families

Hope my waffling makes a bit of sense. I'm just so worried for the young

Absolutely not being unreasonable. Everyone’s situations and priorities are different. Just because you don’t have school fees, doesn’t mean you won’t be feeling the pinch!

I’d assume that because their incomings are higher, so are their outgoings but due to the cost of living increases, their disposable income has taken a hit and she’s jealous/ resentful that she now has to pay for things that others don’t.

Ignore her. Everybody has problems with price rises - why would they not? It might all be relative and in different levels - but everybody's petrol, gas, electricity and supermarket shop has increased. Sure - you might be a multi millionaire and never look at a till receipt, but most people who work for a living will have experienced some effect of it all.
She has made her choices, you have made yours - too often people just see the grass being greener elsewhere and this leads to jealousy and hurtful jabs. Ignore it, it's just ignorance.

We (me, DH, T and T’s DH) all met up for dinner at ours and we got chatting about life in general and the conversation got onto the higher costs of living and how life in the UK just felt a bit dreary.

tbh, if you are upping your charitable donations and paying for other peoples nursery care you are not in any conceivable way cash strapped. So you are complaining the poor people out there that are making the UK a bit dreary?

You sound like 4 very privileged people competing for a prize in a contest you are not eligible to enter. There are people who cannot afford to feed their children a nutritious meal, or can no longer afford the commute to work (and cant afford not to work) never mind paying for childcare for someone else or worry about sending their kids to private school! All of you have been a bit ridiculous.

She is being ridiculous to rant at you like that. However, I do agree that child-free people often don't realise the reality of childcare costs. My childcare costs almost £3k a month (2 kids close in age) so we are literally living month to month. My friends and family that don't have kids don't get that at all and are absolutely shocked if I mention that cost (or decline something because we just can't afford it right now). So your friend is being unreasonable but there is a grain of truth in what she says - I find it frustrating, for instance, when my brother moans about the cost of living increase... yes everyone is feeling it but I feel like he has picked thr wrong audience to moan to me (he has thousands more than us per month!).

She sounds awful. As well as being entitled! She doesn’t have a mortgage- she’s luckier than anyone!

Why are you friends with her? What happiness does she bring you?

If the the child is 2.5 years old, they will be entitled to 3 year funding from the first term after their 3rd birthday and potentially 2 year funding too so she can use that for their hours at nursery so o need to pay if she can claim for those

Ha. Yes, there is funding, but hardly the free hours advertised! It barely made a dent for us!

If she knows you’ve had fertility issues, then said the CoL crisis doesn’t affect you because you don’t have kids and school fees to pay for, then she’s absolutely vile. No excuses, even if she’s destitute (doesn’t sound it)

Who the heck's T ?

Even before this 'cost of living crisis' I recall nearly all my full time salary went on childcare costs. But that was my choice to have children - and the costs that go with it (forever it seems). Ridiculous of me to have a go at someone who doesn't have those costs or to imply they have no idea idea about how tough it is.

I think your friend sounds has behaved dreadfully to be honest. She is entitled and has been completely insensitive towards and dismissive of your fertility issues (and the potential financial burden that infertility can bring!)

I think she sounds quite smug and wouldn't want to see her again!

Well I could say the same to a mum who chooses to have 3 kids in a private school. She has a cheek being jealous of you when most other mums would be jealous of her.

Am I unreasonable for thinking, and saying out loud, the cost of living is shit for everyone?

There is varying amounts of shit though isn't there? Your shit, having to reduce the amount you save, wouldn't even register as being shit with lots of people. I don't know your friends shit because she isn't the one posting so can't comment on that. I would like to hear your friends side of the story, you are laying on your Mother Teresa act a bit too thick which makes your side sound very unbalanced.

I'm very careful not to complain, I can afford to feed my children and pay my bills, not much else but that's more than some people have. To them me complaining would be trivial. I hate the phrase 'check your privilege' but really I think that's what it comes down to right now. I will bitch and moan to dh but that's about it because I don't know what is going on behind the scenes with other people right now. So yeah I think you are unreasonable for saying out loud that it is shit for everyone, it trivialises what some people are going through/will be going through and is insensitive.

I was also with you till the end, going on about your little flat and how it’s hurting you, and then you say oh but we upped our charitable donations and offered to pay nursery fees. I could see if they are struggling why you may irritate her.

It's called lifestyle inflation.
We are all feeling it.

It doesnt matter how much you earn, your lifestyle seems to inflate and swallow up any increases in income- unless you act like misery like me ( which has come in really handy right now. Just when I was going to open up the purse strings and start spending this cost of living crisis starts)

Even on threads on here,.I see it all the time- op starts to complain about the cost of living, then someone who has it worse and starts saying how they cant complain as they have it even worse and so on.

E.g.person 1" I'm having to cancel my after school club for my kid, the cleaner is only coming twice a month now or cancel my nanny, and save less every month."

Person 2" Why are you complaining? You've had it good and can still save money every month. What about me who isnt able to save anything? Im having to use my savings up."

Person 3 " Why are you complaining? At least you've got savings that you can dip into, I'm in my overdraft and only just making the mortgage payments?"

Person 4 - " At least you've got a house, you can always sell it if you need, I've maxed out my overdraft and credit cards. I cant pay my rent and may be evicted. I'm having to skip meals, and keep the heating off when the kids are at school."