Friend’s outburst at us about cost of living…

[thequeenoftheandals]

i don’t know whether I’m being unreasonable or not but I’m feeling pretty miffed/confused...

i got into a ‘thing’ with a friend of mine (T) over the weekend. I don’t know if this is relevant but we met at uni over a decade ago but she decided not to continue with the vocation like me (she didn’t want to do a post graduate diploma) and as such never qualified like I did. She threw herself into family life and unlike me, she has been blessed with beautiful kids (3 gorgeous children). Her husband inherited from a great aunt a little while ago which allowed them to buy a lovely house in a lovely area. We have a not so lovely flat in an even unlovelier area. Both our husbands work within the same(ish) field/role.

We (me, DH, T and T’s DH) all met up for dinner at ours and we got chatting about life in general and the conversation got onto the higher costs of living and how life in the UK just felt a bit dreary. T said something like ‘oh don’t try to complain like you and DH can relate to our problems’ in a really scoffy, dismissive, brash way. When she saw my very confused face, she continued that DH & I shouldn’t complain about the increases because there’s only two of us (no kids, no school fees/no childcare costs), we can better absorb the increases and she was bored of hearing ‘people like us’ complaining.

DH and I work really hard, and we have worked really, really hard, to get to where we are professionally and as such are riddled with student debt. Yes we are super blessed with having a decent salary and we do have less outgoings than most (I would LOVE to cry about school-fees and nursery costs but alas we don’t have kids) but that doesn’t mean the increase cost of living doesn’t impact us. DH tried to shut the convo down and say he couldn’t be bothered to get into the financial intricacies but she was wrong and that the cost of living was increasing so much for everyone that only millionaires wouldn’t feel the pinch. But she got visibly really pissed off that we tried to defend our positions. The whole time after she looked so annoyed, and didn’t really engage in the conversation with the three of us. T’s husband spent the rest of dinner looking like he wanted the ground to swallow him whole and he profusely apologised to both DH and I for T’s behaviour and the resulting awkwardness. They didn’t stay very long and T didn’t message to let me know she had got home (which she would have done normally) nor thank me for hosting. it’s been a few days and I still feel a little weird after T’s outburst.

Am I unreasonable for thinking, and saying out loud, the cost of living is shit for everyone? I know, once again, how lucky I am. I feel like we are doing as much as we can as a couple - we’ve upped our monthly charitable donations. We’ve offered to pay for DH sister’s baby’s nursery fees for the rest of the year so she’s not forking out. We always, always act as charitable wherever we can. But we know that we won’t be saving as much, and as such we too need to tighten our belt. Am I dick for feeling a bit miffed at my friend?

I disagree. Dealing with infertility can be very expensive. Some people save for years/borrow etc to fund private investigations and /or fertility treatment such as IVF.

Op, so many are projecting on this thread. I understand what you meant. I'm in a fortunate production but it doesn't mean I'm oblivious to the current (and coming crisis), or than I don't care how it affects others. It isn't a race to the bottom.

@Toboggan

The fact that you're not able to have children is irrelevant here. What is relevant is that you don't have to pay for any children.

The post OP shared originally ended with the following: "Am I dick for feeling a bit miffed at my friend?"

So the fact that her friend did the following is entirely relevant to whether or not she should feel miffed at her friend:

"I just showed DH this post and he said he feels like her comments about us two being ‘lucky’ as there’s ‘just us’ to look after is what bothered him the most and he feels like she deliberately wanted to hit below the belt, as she’s well aware of the fertility issues we’ve had and how I much I have personally struggled."

Calling someone 'lucky' for not having kids due to infertility, especially when you have three yourself, is insensitive at best and a cheap shot designed to hurt the other party at worst.

Which is entirely relevant to OP's question as to whether she's right to be upset about what happened.

Thanks everyone for posting.

I’ve been feeling glum all day; part of me wishes she hadn’t said anything but also I’m glad that even though years and years of (what I stupidly thought was good) friendship is down the shitter, at least I know what she really thinks. I feel like a fool but hey ho, we move. I always give people the benefit of the doubt but I don't think I’ll be able to look past this now. I don’t know what she thought her last sentence would achieve… I dont need this right now…almost like she wanted me to be like oh no are you okay, what’s wrong….I asked her, instead she passively asked me back are YOU guys okay.

i’m going to cry into a bar of chocolate and be thankful for the non shit people in my life. 🍫

The thing is, I don’t see how OP could win with someone like that. If she makes sympathetic noises and tries to relate she’s wrong, but if she’d have said nothing she’d probably be accused to being thoughtless or looking down from a place of privilege.

she’s not angry at what OP said, she’s angry and envious of OP’s better financial position. No matter what OP said, this wouldn’t change that fact. She lashed out because she wanted to vent her hostility and frustration, not because of anything OP said.

anyway, OP made a comment not in the company of someone in poverty, but in the company of a friend who has three children in private school. If only those in dire straits are allowed to pass comment on this message particular current event, then the friend needs to hush herself.

And now you are a super sensitive one and need to grow thicker skin WTF???? Every time she opens her mouth she is insulting you and your DH.
OP , now you know for sure that she’s not your real friend and she really meant what she said she’s just pretending not to remember.
Stop texting her.

Yes this. It's not as simple as all childless people have lots of money and all parents are struggling.
Some people regardless of their relationship or reproductive status will be suffering more than others.
Some of the poorest people are those who are single and childless and working full time in a MW job but don't qualify for any benefits because they don't have children.

The middle classes represent a large variety of incomes these days and most people are struggling in some way. As people have said, it is not a race to the bottom. But maybe it is a wake up call for those who are struggling where they haven't before that there is so,etching fundamentally wrong with this country and that it is time to vote the Tories out when we get the chance.

Or let's just carry on fighting amongst ourselves shall we?

Yet another mumsnet “good friend” of many years which involves tension, knee jerk reactions, swearing and then down the drain. Unbelievable!

I'm amazed at how many women on here are friends with people they can't stand.

It’s astonishing

this scenario - on the space of 24 hours, the op feels like crying about this lost friendship of many years. So odd. All my good friends are just that…. Good friends

@thequeenoftheandals just seen your update.....there's only one dickhead here and it's her.
If I was you I'd ditch her. Friends are supposed to bring joy to your life. All she seems to bring is pain.
And I get about the charitable donations and being a Sikh.

@Endlesslypatient82
you are very lucky but in some other people’s friendships people f**k up & forgive. That’s sometimes how we grow and learn, just like un relationships

in relationships

@Endlesslypatient82 you’re luck then. Lots of other people like OP are not

In 24 hours.

good friendship for many years

to the op call her a shit person and friendship over.

Only on mumsnet does this seem to be a frequent occurrence. Sure as heck not amongst my friends colleagues or acquaintances have I ever been aware of this kind of drama between friends of many years.
thank fuck for that!

I’m glad that even though years and years of (what I stupidly thought was good) friendship is down the shitter, at least I know what she really thinks

talk to her @thequeenoftheandals youre going to discard a friendship of that many years over one evening? Talk to her! Ye May cry and it might not be pleasant but voices need to be heard. You have nothing to lose considering you’re already thinking of ditching her. If everyone dumped their DH the first time he hurt their feelings we’d all be single

@Forgiveitall it’s not just one evening though, she’s continued it today. The friend sounds like a bitch.

Sometimes you just realise you’ve had enough of someone, and OP has had that epiphany.

‘Omfg, are you serious? I didn’t even say anything that serious or bad, you’re making it out like I said something so uncalled for!!! I had a headache and couldn’t be bothered to chat shit with you all… how was I being aloof or cold?! FFS!!!

I’m sorry you and DH got upset but I think you and DH are being super sensitive right now, are YOU guys okay????

After this many yearsI expect you to know know whatever I say has no malicious in it and tbh you (and DH(!!)) need to get thicker skin so not to take to heart what you THINK people have said to you…..
Let’s just move on from this because this is pissing me off and I don’t need this right now…’

She sounds nice. I'd be tempted to respond that her husband obviously doesn't share her opinion as he apologised for her previous outburst the previous evening.

But I guess that would probably count as feeding it...

Wow! She’s horrible. She knew she came across as being rude and is now trying to put that back on you….gaslighting much?
Its no one else business how you spend your money or charitable donations, you don’t need to justify by saying you know how lucky you are etc etc.
Id leave her go tbh, maybe she will come back round and apologise or maybe she won’t either way, this is not a supportive positive friendship from what you have described.

@thequeenoftheandals

you need to speak not text

i cannot understand how she doesn’t know it was ‘that bad’ considering you said her husband apologised profusely for her over and over again ? That’s a big deal! Someone’s H is usually on their side… (if they know what’s good for them 🤣) I feel like there’s some information missing here @thequeenoftheandals tbh OP I go think some of what you wrote to her in the text sounds condescending. I’m NOT siding with her but I think in person or on the phone NOT in a text you should say that you were really hurt and still are. End of. Nothing else needs to be said. I don’t buy that she’s suddenly become a bitch or you’ve suddenly realised she’s a bitch. Surely ‘years and years’ of friendship are worth something ?! Don’t let the Mumsnet echo chamber ruin your friendship

Just shut it down and block her for a while and look after yourself. Your DH will support you as he knows you are not being over sensitive, he was there.

Some friendships hit a wall all of a sudden, it is not your fault.

I absolutely would ditch a friend for implying I was lucky not to have children to provide for.

As a friend I would be mortified to think I had implied similar to someone else (actually that would apply to people I don't like too!)

If I gave an opportunity to clear the air in the hope of reaching a better understanding and was told instead to grow a thicker skin I'd probably bin them too.

it’s not just one evening though, she’s continued it today. The friend sounds like a bitch.

So again...how has it gone on so long? If OP doesn't think the friend is the kind of person who didn't mean it, or made a mistake - if she doesn't think friend is good hearted and they don't have a strong history to carry them through a spat - what's she mourning? Why was she friends for so long with someone she doesn't like?

What would friend think if she knew OP had posted this thread?

Why are women so often friends with people they don't like and don't get on with?

She’s no friend.

In my group of friends, we can all have a moan about things without any of us feeling like others has no right to moan, despite us all having certain advantages or disadvantages compared to others in terms of finances, houses, children, families. We all love each other and feel no resentment. That’s what true friends behave like.

Fuck her. Some people are incapable of seeing things from anyone else’s perspective.

Yes I agree. For all we know the friend is about to have her house repossessed which would put anyone in a snappy mood especially when faced with all the 'super blessed' 'super lucky' super irritating waffle.

Ending a long friendship over an argument seems daft to me!

Some of my good friends have gone bonkers in the last few years, though with no warning. The pandemic, war, and then the cost of living crisis. Not easy to predict how friends will behave.