Friend’s outburst at us about cost of living…

[thequeenoftheandals]

i don’t know whether I’m being unreasonable or not but I’m feeling pretty miffed/confused...

i got into a ‘thing’ with a friend of mine (T) over the weekend. I don’t know if this is relevant but we met at uni over a decade ago but she decided not to continue with the vocation like me (she didn’t want to do a post graduate diploma) and as such never qualified like I did. She threw herself into family life and unlike me, she has been blessed with beautiful kids (3 gorgeous children). Her husband inherited from a great aunt a little while ago which allowed them to buy a lovely house in a lovely area. We have a not so lovely flat in an even unlovelier area. Both our husbands work within the same(ish) field/role.

We (me, DH, T and T’s DH) all met up for dinner at ours and we got chatting about life in general and the conversation got onto the higher costs of living and how life in the UK just felt a bit dreary. T said something like ‘oh don’t try to complain like you and DH can relate to our problems’ in a really scoffy, dismissive, brash way. When she saw my very confused face, she continued that DH & I shouldn’t complain about the increases because there’s only two of us (no kids, no school fees/no childcare costs), we can better absorb the increases and she was bored of hearing ‘people like us’ complaining.

DH and I work really hard, and we have worked really, really hard, to get to where we are professionally and as such are riddled with student debt. Yes we are super blessed with having a decent salary and we do have less outgoings than most (I would LOVE to cry about school-fees and nursery costs but alas we don’t have kids) but that doesn’t mean the increase cost of living doesn’t impact us. DH tried to shut the convo down and say he couldn’t be bothered to get into the financial intricacies but she was wrong and that the cost of living was increasing so much for everyone that only millionaires wouldn’t feel the pinch. But she got visibly really pissed off that we tried to defend our positions. The whole time after she looked so annoyed, and didn’t really engage in the conversation with the three of us. T’s husband spent the rest of dinner looking like he wanted the ground to swallow him whole and he profusely apologised to both DH and I for T’s behaviour and the resulting awkwardness. They didn’t stay very long and T didn’t message to let me know she had got home (which she would have done normally) nor thank me for hosting. it’s been a few days and I still feel a little weird after T’s outburst.

Am I unreasonable for thinking, and saying out loud, the cost of living is shit for everyone? I know, once again, how lucky I am. I feel like we are doing as much as we can as a couple - we’ve upped our monthly charitable donations. We’ve offered to pay for DH sister’s baby’s nursery fees for the rest of the year so she’s not forking out. We always, always act as charitable wherever we can. But we know that we won’t be saving as much, and as such we too need to tighten our belt. Am I dick for feeling a bit miffed at my friend?

It sounds like she's stressed because they're financially stretched and she took it out on you. Very bad manners, obviously, but I'd find it hard to hold a grudge when obviously finances are weighing heavily on her mind. Yes, they're clearly not on their uppers if they're paying three lots of school fees, but it's not nice for them to contemplate potentially having to disrupt their children's education because they can no longer stretch that far.

It's not your problem either and she behaved badly. But if you can be the bigger person, I'd message her and say "Hi hope you're OK. I'm sorry to hear that things are stressful for you guys atm" or something like that.

I think you are both unreasonable tbh.
She sounds quite entitled and like she's had quite a substantial leg up anyway that makes her situation extremely lucky despite having children.
You are unreasonable for thinking that whilst being able to afford someone else's childcare bill and still save, that you even know what the cost of living rise feels like.
Yes, you work very hard for what you've got but spare a thought for carers on minimum wage working 12 hour days, 7 days a week, that are also working very hard but struggling to pay essential bills now, before it's even properly got going.

So she's got three children at private school and lives in a lovely house in a lovely area, while you are childfree not by choice and live in a flat. And yet you're supposed to be sympathetic to her situation and she's allowed to be envious of you.

Quite frankly she sounds awful and spoilt and I'm not sure I could give her the time of day. She does sound envious of your having completed your studies. But as you say, you made different choices each of you and there are advantages in each.

I think this is a valid point, so much envy over nothing from so many.

everyone like this seems to be looking at everyone else and thinking their own problems are way more severe .

none of us ever know what’s going on behind closed doors and it’s such a dumb thing to assume the grass is greener

@thequeenoftheandals you’ve done nothing wrong - you know this deep down, HER H knows how outrageous she was and apologised. Don’t you DARE make her feel better about being so ridiculously rude.

maybe he’s telling her she needs to get a job and she’s resentful of that… who knows but it doesn’t mean she can insult you.

The thing I've found, over very many years, is that very few people have any idea what other people's incomes are, and many people often vastly under- or overestimate other people's incomes and make absurd assumptions.

I first experienced this as a kid when I realised lots of people thought my mum was rich because she was a teacher (LOL!). She was also an NQT and a single mother, and didn't work full time, and she often had to borrow a fiver from her sister at the end of the month to see her through till payday. We went on 2 foreign holidays my entire childhood, both paid for by other family members, Chinese takeaway was a once-every-three-months treat. We drove around in an old banger that we were never quite sure would get us to our destination without breaking down. But still a lot of friends and neighbours assumed we were "rich".

Then again, when my mum found out I was dating a "scientist" (now my DH) she acted like she thought he was some sort of millionaire, and started questioning if I'd said I'd paid for anything. (He was on £28,000 a year, which was more than me at the time, but hardly loaded.)

Then again, I'm sure we all have thousands of examples of rich people not realising just how rich they are. The fact your friend thinks "school fees" are a hardship just makes me want to piss myself laughing. Oh, to have those problems when you're literally wondering how the hell you'll be able to turn the bloody oven on come the autumn.

She was also an NQT

She can't have been an NQT your entire childhood though?

I honestly don't know why you would think anyone would say YABU. Your friend was out of order behaving like that.

If I'm brutally honest, and only because you ask AIBU, your AIBU sounded a tiny bit martyr-ish... how incredibly hard you both work, how HARD you both work, how hard you worked before you worked hard, how much money you dish out elsewhere, how charitable you are to others... if you shared any/all of that, do you think it might have sounded a bit...well, martyr-ish I suppose, and that irritated your friend?

Generally, decide how much the friendship means, I guess. I wouldn't be chasing her to patch things up.

The fact your friend thinks "school fees" are a hardship just makes me want to piss myself laughing.

Agree with this. She may not want to put her kids in state school, but that's all she'd need to do to free up tens of thousands of pounds a year.

Of course you aren’t being unreasonable.

She was being a dick, it sounds like there might be some stress going on in their life that’s making her spin out, or perhaps the inheritance hasn’t covered the house, and they are overextended on house or school fees.

She’s in the wrong but if she’s normally sound let if rest while she sorts herself out.

Money does funny things to people.

If I'm brutally honest, and only because you ask AIBU, your AIBU sounded a tiny bit martyr-ish... how incredibly hard you both work, how HARD you both work, how hard you worked before you worked hard, how much money you dish out elsewhere, how charitable you are to others... if you shared any/all of that, do you think it might have sounded a bit...well, martyr-ish I suppose, and that irritated your friend?

I was thinking this. Would be interested to know the conversation from her perspective.

I think YABU tbh. She's a friend of lots of years standing so that should merit the benefit of the doubt and some patience. Plus living costs are more expensive for five people than two. In fact that's so obvious that I don't understand why you became defensive about it.
We have less DCs than our friends. I wouldn't feel insulted by them saying they have more expenses. It's blatantly apparent. On a very basic level, they need more rooms and will use more food, fuel, etc.

Just dont meet up with this person again. And dont give any more thought to what she said. She sounds a discontented, unfulfilled and unhappy person.

She doesn't sound like a very nice person, and/or there is more going on behind the scenes than you know and she is enonormously stressed.

She has no right to say what she said to you. She made those life choices and that is on her and her alone (well and her DH).

However, as the parent of a 4yo, I will be trying to increase my hours to get through this winter, but am limited on how much I can increase them due to childcare (no afterschool club at DDs school). Which obviously does impact on how much increased earning potential we have, whereas pre DD if an unexpected bill came in or I wanted a luxury item or big holiday I could hit the overtime as hard as I could cope with (Paramedic so there is often enough overtime available for staff to pretty much work everyday apart from turnaround days from days to night if they want/need to). I think not having kids/young kids does put people at an advantage of being able to increase hours or take second jobs, but the exhaustion that goes with that is hardly what I'd call a privilege.

Good on you for supporting you Niece/ Nephew, I hope your relationship with them brings you much happiness.

I'm sorry, but I think you came across a bit patronising as well.

Maybe they could afford their 3 children and private schooling when they had them. They probably don't want to have to move schools. Presumably they also have some student debt too - maybe they ran up more debts? Maybe the inheritance didn't cover as much of the "lovely house in a lovely area" as you think, and she may be stressed and overstretched. Maybe it would be kind to try to find out what lay behind that outburst, if it's come totally out of the blue?

I also think that people whose main 'sacrifice' in our current economic circumstances is saving less, while giving more to charity etc - then you are pretty much untouched by the whole thing.

She shouldn't have said what she did, especially if you've wanted children and haven't been able to have them - but I think there must be a reason behind it, if she isn't normally like this?

Me too. If ever there was a luxury …

What an absolute b. You said nothing wrong OP

I have bugger all sympathy with anyone moaning about school fees and having 3 kids- school fees are a choice, not compulsory and neither is having 3 kids- it's a choice.

You are perfectly entitled to have a moan- you clearly aren't exactly on your uppers though by paying someone else's childcare, however were they aware of this?

I think it's a good idea not to bring up cost of living stuff unless someone else does because there's an awful lot of problems at the moment for many people even ones with good salaries on paper and it may be a really touchy subject- maybe they are in big difficulties and it touched a nerve!!

Look at the number of posts on mumsnet from those in the squeezed middle

They have enough money for private school and you have enough to pay a family member’s nursery fees for a year?! It sounds like you are both doing better than many!

You all sound loaded, and like none of you will feel the pinch whatsoever. Nothing wrong with that. We won't feel the pinch either. However, I wouldn't even try to pretend otherwise, because I know how lucky we are, and it would be a slap in the face to anyone else who is really struggling.

How can you say you will feel the pinch, when you are paying your nieces nursery fees for the whole year? That's just ridiculous. And as for your friend paying school fees and then pleading poverty, there aren't enough eye rolls in the world....

I've no idea why some people have to pretend to be poor, in order to fit in/not look comfortable - I actually have a friend like this. Always saying she can't afford x/y/z, when her and her DH are genuinely loaded. And I mean, LOADED.

It's rubbish, and insulting and I just don't get it, at all.

I was with you until you said you'd upped your charitable donations and offered to oay someone else's nursery fees. I've cancelled charitable donations, last year actually, as was already struggling. Also you're saving kess? You are lucky indeed to be saving at all.

Yes the cost if living crusts will affect most, but it doesn't sound like you're going to struggle.

Everyone will be impacted but it's harder for someone who may be struggling more to listen to someone in a better financial position complaining rather than perhaps sympathising. I'm not saying that is reasonable but I've been the poor friend listening to a richer friend complain and compare. Sometimes there simply is no comparison, we all have our own situations.

She can feel however she feels (jealous, envious, scared about the future), but she shouldn't have let out her frustrations on you. She's only feeling sorry for herself, not taking a moment to consider that other people have it worse than she does. How would she feel if someone who hadn't had an inheritance and was struggling to feed five children basically told her to shut up because she doesn't know how hard it is?

Don't apologise. Let time do its thing.

If they can afford private school fees they are hardly living hand to mouth.

Me three. I am only marginally more sympathetic than I would be if someone was boo-hooing they were going to have to return their Range Rover and Tesla to the leasers.

Your friend is rude. Let her apologise and definitely don't run around after her trying to clear the air.