Friend’s outburst at us about cost of living…

[thequeenoftheandals]

i don’t know whether I’m being unreasonable or not but I’m feeling pretty miffed/confused...

i got into a ‘thing’ with a friend of mine (T) over the weekend. I don’t know if this is relevant but we met at uni over a decade ago but she decided not to continue with the vocation like me (she didn’t want to do a post graduate diploma) and as such never qualified like I did. She threw herself into family life and unlike me, she has been blessed with beautiful kids (3 gorgeous children). Her husband inherited from a great aunt a little while ago which allowed them to buy a lovely house in a lovely area. We have a not so lovely flat in an even unlovelier area. Both our husbands work within the same(ish) field/role.

We (me, DH, T and T’s DH) all met up for dinner at ours and we got chatting about life in general and the conversation got onto the higher costs of living and how life in the UK just felt a bit dreary. T said something like ‘oh don’t try to complain like you and DH can relate to our problems’ in a really scoffy, dismissive, brash way. When she saw my very confused face, she continued that DH & I shouldn’t complain about the increases because there’s only two of us (no kids, no school fees/no childcare costs), we can better absorb the increases and she was bored of hearing ‘people like us’ complaining.

DH and I work really hard, and we have worked really, really hard, to get to where we are professionally and as such are riddled with student debt. Yes we are super blessed with having a decent salary and we do have less outgoings than most (I would LOVE to cry about school-fees and nursery costs but alas we don’t have kids) but that doesn’t mean the increase cost of living doesn’t impact us. DH tried to shut the convo down and say he couldn’t be bothered to get into the financial intricacies but she was wrong and that the cost of living was increasing so much for everyone that only millionaires wouldn’t feel the pinch. But she got visibly really pissed off that we tried to defend our positions. The whole time after she looked so annoyed, and didn’t really engage in the conversation with the three of us. T’s husband spent the rest of dinner looking like he wanted the ground to swallow him whole and he profusely apologised to both DH and I for T’s behaviour and the resulting awkwardness. They didn’t stay very long and T didn’t message to let me know she had got home (which she would have done normally) nor thank me for hosting. it’s been a few days and I still feel a little weird after T’s outburst.

Am I unreasonable for thinking, and saying out loud, the cost of living is shit for everyone? I know, once again, how lucky I am. I feel like we are doing as much as we can as a couple - we’ve upped our monthly charitable donations. We’ve offered to pay for DH sister’s baby’s nursery fees for the rest of the year so she’s not forking out. We always, always act as charitable wherever we can. But we know that we won’t be saving as much, and as such we too need to tighten our belt. Am I dick for feeling a bit miffed at my friend?

Thanks all, really appreciate unbiased thoughts.

TMI maybe but we offered to pay for SIL toddler’s nursery 2 days a week because SIL (hopefully soon to be ex!) DH walked out on her leaving her with a 2.5yo and a 12m old. The piece of shit was cheating on SIL throughout her pregnancy. She’s been a SAHM since eldest was born and is in a fragile AF state right now so has moved into DH parent’s home (she doesn’t want to stay in her marital home with the memories). She was going to pull her 2.5yo from nursery but DH and I felt like it would be good for him to have a little normality in his life (until the end of the year anyway) as he’s already been removed from all he has known (his room, his family and his routine) because his dad is a dick. We have made it clear we wouldn’t be able to do it for another term or for more than 2 days a week anyway but felt that was one way we could help his sister out.

Lots of people have commented that we are super lucky to be able to continue with our charitable donations so we can’t be feeling the pain like far too many other people are, and it’s true. I can’t deny that. But that doesn’t mean we don’t feeling anything and that the cost of living increases don’t impact us negatively.

Re, T and her past behaviour, she’s never acted or said anything that made me think she feels a resentful that she didn’t continue and qualify. She works hard and I know she is good at her job; due to childcare, she decided to work part time. I don’t know whether she’s acting out because she’s nervous about the future, maybe she feels like she has an image to maintain now. Her kids do go to private school but I think that was decided more because the kids secured places in different schools and logistically it didn’t work.

I just showed DH this post and he said he feels like her comments about us two being ‘lucky’ as there’s ‘just us’ to look after is what bothered him the most and he feels like she deliberately wanted to hit below the belt, as she’s well aware of the fertility issues we’ve had and how I much I have personally struggled.

I don’t know… I’ll definitely be more mindful about not speaking up if this type of conversation comes about again with others.

Perhaps T & I’s friendship has run its course, which is sad, and I hope she’s okay, but I don’t think it’s fair for her to project and I’m quite annoyed she’s annoyed DH with her comments (cus he never gets annoyed!)

Thanks everyone for your comments. X

I just showed DH this post and he said he feels like her comments about us two being ‘lucky’ as there’s ‘just us’ to look after is what bothered him the most and he feels like she deliberately wanted to hit below the belt, as she’s well aware of the fertility issues we’ve had and how I much I have personally struggled.

This was what wound me up. How dare she say someone is "lucky" not to have to worry about school fees when they are experiencing infertility!

She was undoubtedly very rude. But I'd wonder if something particularly bad has triggered this. If she's generally a good friend, I'd be tempted to reach out and check if everything is OK. If they have 3 kids in private school maybe she's freaking out about having to move them.

She acted completely out of line and sounded very rude but you must know that you have much more disposable income than they do, so it was a little insensitive.

You saying you’ve worked hard to get where you are and racked up student debt does sound like you’re saying other people haven’t worked as hard or that student debt is comparable to proper debts.

It sounds like they’re having massive money worries.
It’s still no excuse to be rude though.

If you want to salvage this friendship then I would reach out and apologise if what you said sounded insensitive as you didn’t mean it to come across that way.
Her response would help me decide whether to continue the friendship or not.

🎻

but you must know that you have much more disposable income than they do

The friend has tens of thousands of disposable income at least, she just chooses to spend it on private school fees.

Your friend is awful. It sounds like you wanted/want kids and haven't had them for whatever reason. I know that when battling infertility ever telling me I didn't understand something because I didn't have kids made me want to punch someone.

She sounds like a bitch to be honest.

Saying to someone who she knows has fertility issues, that they are 'lucky' they don't have kids, is wildly insensitive at best and nasty at worst.

And if she has 3 kids in private school, I doubt she is exactly struggling to put food on the table.

Unless you were being insensitive e.g. saying that you're having an awful year as you will only have 3 long haul holidays instead of 4 and she should feel sorry for you...it sounded like she wanted to create an argument out of nothing. It sounds like there is maybe something else going on with her and she took it out on you...but that's still shit, she could have asked to talk to you about her issues otherwise or declined the invite if she couldn't face socialising

For those who have said my post came across martyr-ish, I’m sorry that wasn’t my intention. What I wanted to do was convey that we know how lucky we are which is why we are trying to do more for those who unfortunately can’t (e.g. my siblings have stopped their monthly donations) so I feel like if I upped mine to somewhat cover theirs, then the charity doesn’t feel the pain too much? I feel hot with anger at the Government/the whole situation that far too many people are struggling and far too many more are going to continue to struggle. That was actually what the conversation was more about during dinner and then T got annoyed at us. We didn’t even make it about ourselves more so what a shit situation it is.
But yeah I take on board what you’re saying. avoid topics like this henceforth.

My two cents: T is a myopic idiot.

What I wanted to do was convey that we know how lucky we are which is why we are trying to do more for those who unfortunately can’t (e.g. my siblings have stopped their monthly donations) so I feel like if I upped mine to somewhat cover theirs, then the charity doesn’t feel the pain too much?

In the nicest possible way, OP, (genuinely) your explanation about accidentally sounding martyr-ish, sounds somewhat...martyr-ish.

Your friend behaved badly here, that's a given, but your responses here do make me wonder if you do this ^^ in rl, and it maybe just wound your friend up a bit, given the loaded subject matter?

You and your DH sound lovely, but personally am left wondering why you are still in touch with your, 'friend,' who appears to lash out really inappropriately.

Most people have a moan about the cost of living even if it's just, 'omg, the price of Marmite...' It's very British like talking about the recent heatwave.

Seems as if they are taking themselves way too seriously but doesn't seem as if it's anything personal, so I wouldn't take it as such.

Not that you owe your friend anything, but maybe just a text message in a week asking if everything is OK? She may have different problems, but they are her problems so if she won't even meet you half way, I'd sort of drift away....

OP, you don’t need to justify yourself to us on here. Likewise you don’t ever have to apologise for earning a good salary/being in a good financial position.

I wouldn’t bother with T again. If she gets in touch just tell her that green is a very unflattering colour and to rein her jealousy in. She’s made her choices in life and you’ve made yours. That’s all there is to it.

From your OP, it sounds as though your DH did attempt to claim that the two of you would feel the pinch. So I'm not sure how accurately this conversation is being represented tbh.

I find it bizarre that you view private school as the obvious solution to solving the logisitics of children being allocated places at different schools. You don't see how insanely privileged that is?

You both sound out of touch with the real world, so maybe you should both stop cos-playing at "feeling the pinch". Express concern for others or talk about the politics, but please don't pretend that you are going to struggle in any way.

You don't need to apologise to us, we're not offended. You asked what we thought, and that's what some of us thought.

I agree with @Baoing . It might be this way in RL and your friend may find it a bit grating. I don't know, I wasn't there. But there'll be some reason, and something about the way you're speaking about her makes me wonder if you're a bit martyr-ish with her. It's all about how apologetic and low down you are but nothing about what she might have been feeling.

Wow, I'd be cooling off on that friendship.

YANBU

You're right and she's unreasonable.

But I would not get into a tit for tat with her about who is most disadvantaged.

People can be very sensitive about their financial situation in the best of times and at the moment a lot of people feel downright panicky about it. Drawing any kind of comparison with anyone else's situation is a fool's errand at the moment.

I would just leave her to stew in her own juices for a bit. I'm sure she realises she's been a twat and is embarrassed.

but you must know that you have much more disposable income than they do

That depends on a lot of factors to be honest. Many families are better off than single people like me. Even with kids, two incomes give an element of security that a single earner doesn't have. If I lose my job (always a possibility even in the NHS) that is it, financial ruin and I lose everything.

I'm also responsible for paying the rent on my father and brothers house because they can't manage between them and also help out with food and bills.

I have no savings due to an ex husband who stole money from me, took out loans and credit cards in my name and didn't pay anything off - so I have been unravelling that for a long time and paying everything off. Said ex husband is also causing problems elsewhere in my life so I'm back at the solicitors with more expense...

Yet to colleagues and even most friends I, well off. In truth, some months I barely make it through. I've had all the comments, but as they saying goes, can't argue with stupid.

I don’t think you sounded martyrish at all.

of course you feel the impact of the rising costs.
it was very insensitive for her to bring in the costs of children. I would never mention or moan about how expensive children are whilst in the company of someone who is childless unless I knew for certain it was by choice. I certainly would never do it to a friend who had fertility issues.

i can’t imagine one of my good friends being this insensitive and opinionated. But if they had been my friend for decades and there is lots of love there then as well as being shocked I would most likely be concerned as to what was going on for them. I certainly wouldn’t pull away from a friendship based on one bad time. I’d probably reach out and explain it hurt my feelings but that I was concerned.
I have few friends and the ones I keep close I love. So I work within those parameters. Like family, things go wrong but you seek to understand and forgive. But it all depends on how solid the friendship is, how unusual it is and how they respond to the attempt to repair the rupture.

Had she been drinking? I find some people can be a bit like this when they have had too much and all of their frustrations and worries spill out. Unfortunately this time you were the target.

Comparisons are odious.

And never very helpful.

You can always find someone who is worse off, and someone who is better off. Don't bother comparing.

This sounds like an extension of the entitled martyrdom that some parents do to other women who don’t have children.

I find it a weird passive aggressive thing. You couldn’t possibly understand/ experience financial stress / other etc because you don’t have kids. Kind of a veiled put down at the same time for not having used your womb to be able to then be exclusively entitled to suffer the slings & arrows.

But if she’s a good friend & going through her own shit then she’s allowed a pass to fuck up every so often.
Maybe their financial situation is in fact going to be very dire & this is an expression of that - she’s really very worried about how they’ll manage.

You could approach her & say look let’s have a coffee - are you ok? Not like you to have lost it like that. Are things going to be really bad?? Can I do anything even if just moral/practical obvs not financial support?

She might have had time to cool down & realise she was over reacting & taking it out on you?

And let you in to what’s going on with her…

Your 'friend' is being unkind and has lost respect for you otherwise she would never have said something so tactless and nonsensical.

This thread is a useful reminder that cost of living is not the best topic for small talk.

I was with you UNTIL the end bit.

You are fortunate enough to choose to donate lots to charity and to pay other peoples bill then you are NOT struggling... it does feel like a slap in the face to complain that you are 'tightening your belts' then in the same breath say you have so much spare money you are LITRALLY giving it away here, there and everywhere.

Tightening your belt litrally refers to people who had to carve extra holes into their belt due to starvation anorexia (a kin to people relying on food banks now)... your clearly not anywhere near 'tightening your belt'.

It comes across like you have no concept of the reality for most right now.

sorry to hear this, you must have not expected this !
A bit much for her to come to your house and start criticizing and being rude to be honest !

I do hope she apologises. Pushed her friend away.
She sounds bitter and entitled, probably not very happy?