Friend’s outburst at us about cost of living…

[thequeenoftheandals]

i don’t know whether I’m being unreasonable or not but I’m feeling pretty miffed/confused...

i got into a ‘thing’ with a friend of mine (T) over the weekend. I don’t know if this is relevant but we met at uni over a decade ago but she decided not to continue with the vocation like me (she didn’t want to do a post graduate diploma) and as such never qualified like I did. She threw herself into family life and unlike me, she has been blessed with beautiful kids (3 gorgeous children). Her husband inherited from a great aunt a little while ago which allowed them to buy a lovely house in a lovely area. We have a not so lovely flat in an even unlovelier area. Both our husbands work within the same(ish) field/role.

We (me, DH, T and T’s DH) all met up for dinner at ours and we got chatting about life in general and the conversation got onto the higher costs of living and how life in the UK just felt a bit dreary. T said something like ‘oh don’t try to complain like you and DH can relate to our problems’ in a really scoffy, dismissive, brash way. When she saw my very confused face, she continued that DH & I shouldn’t complain about the increases because there’s only two of us (no kids, no school fees/no childcare costs), we can better absorb the increases and she was bored of hearing ‘people like us’ complaining.

DH and I work really hard, and we have worked really, really hard, to get to where we are professionally and as such are riddled with student debt. Yes we are super blessed with having a decent salary and we do have less outgoings than most (I would LOVE to cry about school-fees and nursery costs but alas we don’t have kids) but that doesn’t mean the increase cost of living doesn’t impact us. DH tried to shut the convo down and say he couldn’t be bothered to get into the financial intricacies but she was wrong and that the cost of living was increasing so much for everyone that only millionaires wouldn’t feel the pinch. But she got visibly really pissed off that we tried to defend our positions. The whole time after she looked so annoyed, and didn’t really engage in the conversation with the three of us. T’s husband spent the rest of dinner looking like he wanted the ground to swallow him whole and he profusely apologised to both DH and I for T’s behaviour and the resulting awkwardness. They didn’t stay very long and T didn’t message to let me know she had got home (which she would have done normally) nor thank me for hosting. it’s been a few days and I still feel a little weird after T’s outburst.

Am I unreasonable for thinking, and saying out loud, the cost of living is shit for everyone? I know, once again, how lucky I am. I feel like we are doing as much as we can as a couple - we’ve upped our monthly charitable donations. We’ve offered to pay for DH sister’s baby’s nursery fees for the rest of the year so she’s not forking out. We always, always act as charitable wherever we can. But we know that we won’t be saving as much, and as such we too need to tighten our belt. Am I dick for feeling a bit miffed at my friend?

I think there's a difference in effect.

Like you we don't have children. We have a decent joint salary. Yes we'll feel the difference, we won't be able to save as much, it will slow down plans etc., but it's not the same as if you're going to struggle to make ends meet, which with 3 children they might?

People lash out when they’re scared and stressed and it doesn’t matter whether it’s all of their own making there’s no benefit in saying that or pointing out to someone it is what it is.

The thing is it all turns out okay in the end and that’s what people need to really hold sight off I remember in 2008 feeling like the world was gonna bloody end when DH lost his job but you know what it’s all fine everything is fine.

Having 3 children is a massive lifestyle choice that she has made. She sounds pretty unbearable.

I think her comment was unnecessary and unfair. However I wonder if your friend is really struggling financially and is stressed and lashed out because of that. I’m not saying that would be ok, but maybe it’s an explanation for her behaviour.

politics/finances are always a bit of a dodgy subject to being up unless with people who are capable of a reasonable and calm discussion.

You're both extremely well off from the sound of it. You will both be largely insulated from the effects.

The fact that she's sending her three kids to private school tells me that she isn't going to need to worry.

She would have lost me at "school fees."

Are her children in private school? If so, I may change my vote.

I voted YABU because there’s no point engaging or ‘ defending’ your position.
I think the only reasonable response is a mournful look and ‘ yes it’s really worrying’ and then change the subject

No one who privately educates their kids is in a position to bleat about the impact of the cost of living rise.

She sounds unbearable. Is she also someone who comments about how easy and spontaneous and relaxing life is for anyone without kids?

You say you're blessed with high salaries but as you say, you've worked really hard & gained extra qualifications so you should expect to earn well.
(I know it's not always the case but it is for OP)
I bet you weren't full of mean comments when they were spending the inheritance. Sounds like they've overstretched themselves but not your problem.

She sounds terrified of what's to come.
Sounds like despite the inheritance they're completely stretched, and this might tip them over the edge.

She's being unreasonable, but may be expecting some belt tightening that may mean 'visibly embarrassing (for her) changes.

the cost of living is having an impact on everyone. That you’re not feeling it as keenly as she is doesn’t mean that you’re not feeling it. She may have it worse, but it’s not a competition.

I don’t get the impression that you were trying to compare or claim that you’ve it worse either. Tbh I’d be inclined to let her get on with it.

Are you childless not by choice OP? If so her comments are even worse.

Don’t let her make you feel guilty that she has three kids . Her choice. You keep doing what you are doing . We all cut our cloth accordingly .

She obviously not ok. She's having a wobble and she's taken it out on you. Hopefully she will realise she's been a dick and apologise.

Well she’s got a bee in her bonnet hasn’t she?
She can have whatever opinion she likes but reacting with anger to being politely challenged seems inappropriate.
Agree it’s odd…do you think she’s envious of you or something?

It's not a bloody competition! I would never invite the rude bitch again.

@thequeenoftheandals

Oh come on. Give yourself some credit please.

You aren't really "lucky" are you?

I expect you worked bloody hard in university for your first degree and certainly for a post grad degree. You deserve as much success and money from those hard won commodities as you have. She chose not to continue her studies and to have three children: she directly impacted her own earning power (and spending power). Children are expensive little joys.

There is nothing wrong whatsoever with her choices, but getting stroppy because your lives are not economically equivalent, given widely different life choices, is, well, not very enlightened is it?

How was the atmosphere between T and her DH? I suspect there may be unhappiness elsewhere in her life and she was letting steam off at you. Regardless, you have nothing to apologise for and if it were me, I would not be making the first move to repair her damage.

I absolutely would not be making the first move.

I was thinking the same. Does she see her life as much harder than yours because of her children maybe?

Nevertheless, rude and ott reaction and up to her to make amends to you.

Yanbu and if she's paying private school fees she doesn't have a leg to stand on

They're privately educating three kids and have benefited from a large inheritance.

You and your DH can afford to pay someone else's nursery fees and increase the amount you give to charities.

Two very privileged people arguing about who is going to be "feeling the pinch" more..sounds like the dinner party from hell to be honest. You just need to avoid the topic of money in future.

This sums it up!

god i really dislike it when people with children do this,same as those that seem to think because they have kids should trump having Christmas off and school holidays

i would not make the first move
and you dont need a friend like that
and what a enerouse thing to do regarding your niece

I agreed with you until you got to this part
Am I unreasonable for thinking, and saying out loud, the cost of living is shit for everyone? No YANBU

I know, once again, how lucky I am. I feel like we are doing as much as we can as a couple - we’ve upped our monthly charitable donations. Wait? You have more cash to spare?

We’ve offered to pay for DH sister’s baby’s nursery fees for the rest of the year so she’s not forking out. Wait again, you’ve still got hundreds of £ extra a month to just give away?

But we know that we won’t be saving as much, and as such we too need to tighten our belt.. So all the cost of living crisis impact on you is, you’ll be giving away more money and saving less? That’s it? No debt. No wondering about heating or eating. Wondering if your DC can do homework by candlelight? Deliberately going without because you can’t afford petrol or bus fares? No change to your lifestyle, just a slower increase to your savings account?

So, I’m a bit YABU because yes cost of living crisis is shit for everyone, but for you it appears to be only a teeny tiny bit of bird shit, and you’re apparently still able to give away lots of spare cash and build up your savings. Not really a crisis for you is it?

If she wants to act like it's a race to the bottom, she's certainly not struggling compared to some. It sounds like she regrets her decisions and took it out on you.