Friend’s outburst at us about cost of living…

[thequeenoftheandals]

i don’t know whether I’m being unreasonable or not but I’m feeling pretty miffed/confused...

i got into a ‘thing’ with a friend of mine (T) over the weekend. I don’t know if this is relevant but we met at uni over a decade ago but she decided not to continue with the vocation like me (she didn’t want to do a post graduate diploma) and as such never qualified like I did. She threw herself into family life and unlike me, she has been blessed with beautiful kids (3 gorgeous children). Her husband inherited from a great aunt a little while ago which allowed them to buy a lovely house in a lovely area. We have a not so lovely flat in an even unlovelier area. Both our husbands work within the same(ish) field/role.

We (me, DH, T and T’s DH) all met up for dinner at ours and we got chatting about life in general and the conversation got onto the higher costs of living and how life in the UK just felt a bit dreary. T said something like ‘oh don’t try to complain like you and DH can relate to our problems’ in a really scoffy, dismissive, brash way. When she saw my very confused face, she continued that DH & I shouldn’t complain about the increases because there’s only two of us (no kids, no school fees/no childcare costs), we can better absorb the increases and she was bored of hearing ‘people like us’ complaining.

DH and I work really hard, and we have worked really, really hard, to get to where we are professionally and as such are riddled with student debt. Yes we are super blessed with having a decent salary and we do have less outgoings than most (I would LOVE to cry about school-fees and nursery costs but alas we don’t have kids) but that doesn’t mean the increase cost of living doesn’t impact us. DH tried to shut the convo down and say he couldn’t be bothered to get into the financial intricacies but she was wrong and that the cost of living was increasing so much for everyone that only millionaires wouldn’t feel the pinch. But she got visibly really pissed off that we tried to defend our positions. The whole time after she looked so annoyed, and didn’t really engage in the conversation with the three of us. T’s husband spent the rest of dinner looking like he wanted the ground to swallow him whole and he profusely apologised to both DH and I for T’s behaviour and the resulting awkwardness. They didn’t stay very long and T didn’t message to let me know she had got home (which she would have done normally) nor thank me for hosting. it’s been a few days and I still feel a little weird after T’s outburst.

Am I unreasonable for thinking, and saying out loud, the cost of living is shit for everyone? I know, once again, how lucky I am. I feel like we are doing as much as we can as a couple - we’ve upped our monthly charitable donations. We’ve offered to pay for DH sister’s baby’s nursery fees for the rest of the year so she’s not forking out. We always, always act as charitable wherever we can. But we know that we won’t be saving as much, and as such we too need to tighten our belt. Am I dick for feeling a bit miffed at my friend?

Your friend sounds rude, but she has a point. If you can afford to pay someone else’s child’s nursery fees and up your charity donations, you’re really not feeling the pinch. Especially not to the point that someone with three children will.

I disagree. Op feels obliged to help her niece/nephew due to the cost of living situation. She is supporting family not unlike 'T' who is forking out for private school. She is still less well off than if she didn't have to help out family.

Saying that, I feel very sorry for families who had budgeted x amount of school fees (although paying for 3 dc means the family is indeed very well off. probably due to the inheritance) and are now facing massive hikes. may won't be able to afford it.

She shouldn’t have got on her high horse like that, but if you can afford to INCREASE your charitable donations, and also have offered to pay MORE MONEY to pay for your relatives nursery fees, then that’s the exact opposite to “feeling the pinch”, surely? You are actively increasing your expenditure voluntarily when most other people are really trying hard to lessen theirs. So your argument doesn’t really make sense? Perhaps that’s what she was a bit confused and miffed about. But she acted rudely.

Sorry, but this is unhinged.

This is why you should never discuss money.

Maybe if T carried on with university instead of popping out kids, she wouldn’t need to rely on her dhs inheritance.

She was rude and quite frankly there is no excuse. Her comments knowing you've had fertility issues is below the very and I would reevaluate this friendship. We have 3 kids, I work part time and we have a good joint income. We will feel the pinch, I'll prioritise accordingly once I know how things are. Having 3 kids was a choice, the more you have the more expensive things are but that's just life anyway!

She needs to cut her cloth accordingly as do we all.

It sounds to me like T is jealous that you are doing well. That is her problem, not yours.

I agree with a lot of people up thread. It sounds like four very financially comfortable, and lucky, people arguing about something that’s not actually impacting anyone at that table, not in the way it is the rest of the country. Nothing to be ashamed of, generally speaking, but cos-playing as poorer than you are is the strangest trait of the British middle classes. I just don’t understand it all! You’re all doing fine. Enjoy it and appreciate it.

Urgh. Your friend sounds awful. She chose not to pursue a career. She chose to have children. Her husband wss lucky enough to inherit from a distant relative. You sound like you have worked for everything you have. Do you really want to maintain a friendship with such a nasty, self-centred person?

I'd tell T to get fucked quite frankly. She chose to send her kids to private school and she chose to make a dig about there only being two of you in your family, knowing you have fertility issues. Yeah she might be stressed, but who cares. T is a twat.

Your friend sounds like a bitch

cant believe anyone would think otherwise TBH

Does T know that you're paying your SIL's nursery fees and upping your charity contributions?

She sounds mean and the comments around kids definitely below the belt. However, I can see how listening to someone complaining about the CoL when they're clearly not being impacted to any significant degree (you're not) would get someone's back up, if they were actually struggling with their own bills.

I’ll definitely be more mindful about not speaking up if this type of conversation comes about again with others.

I don't think you should do this, personally, I just think this will separate the wheat from the chaff. Sometimes it is in the hard times that people reveal their true colours. If you can't talk to someone about stuff like this, they are merely an acquaintance not a friend - which is fine, but there is a big difference in the two categories and it is as well to know who is in which drawer.

I’d say think twice about being friends with someone who is basically using your infertility against you. They have chosen to spend tens of thousands on private schooling and they have every right, but you could also say it’s a bit rich for them to be complaining about the cost of living if they’re going to down the road of “ you’re not poor enough to be feeling it”.

Both your families seem well-off, albeit a lot of her families money seems to be from an inheritance ie. something they never worked for.

But either way unless she apologises I’d think very carefully about the friendship.

I think that we are all going to have to be aware that the old adage: 'never discuss money, religion or politics' is going to have to apply to modern day cost of living conversations too. We may feel that energy prices is an anodyne subject, and current and about the environment and science, really, but it throws up the worst kind of off-limits question: ' what will you be paying?'. Questions like that are really direct and awkward.

A lot of friends are going to have to stick to meeting up at quiz nights, or keep all conversations about the winter on the topic of folklore remedies against cold; foil behind the radiators.and how to unblock and resurrect a chimney - e.g. fun and constructive.

I think your friend was bang out of order making you feel uncomfortable.

I can't believe some posters are suggesting the OP should be checking in with her friend to ask if she is OK. She used the OPs infertility against her and tried to make out that the OP is lucky she hasn't been able to have children. That is disgusting and she is a shit friend, there is no reason for the OP to go crawling to her.

If the friend is actually worried about the cost of living she could always try working full-time, it's a luxury being able to work part-time. She could also send her young kids to state school. She's richer than the vast majority of people so I have no sympathy for her.

That's very life-affirming and warming to read how kind you are to your SIL.

She was rude and quite frankly there is no excuse. Her comments knowing you've had fertility issues is below the very and I would reevaluate this friendship.
this^ I absolutely agree with @Sceptre86
Her comments would be the end of the road for me. I wouldn’t reach out and check how she is and what bothering her and so on. I would never txt her or call her again.

it’s not about the cost of living at all, she could express her frustration differently but she’s chosen your personal vulnerability to hit harder. I wonder how long she was waiting for the opportunity and how much she resented that you were doing well at your job.

And even without all of these my uptake is that:
She has 3 children at private school and complains about cost of living? FFS!!!! Just send them to state schools and stop moaning. It won’t kill them.

She sounds really rude and I don't think I could get over that. There is an element of truth to what she said though. If you are able to up your charitable donations and play your sister's nursery bill then you really are quite a distance away from feeling the crisis up close. Still very rude though and undeserved.

@thequeenoftheandals you have stepped up to pay nursery fees to help out your SIL. A sensible & thoughtful thing to do to help out your little niece/nephew with their early years development.

Well done.

I don’t think it matters if that is small change to you or a considerable chunk out of your salary affecting your everyday food bills, the point is that you are doing something that requires a personal commitment & that you know full well how much it matters to your SIL & family. You are plenty aware of what is going on around you, taking action by putting your money where your mouth is.

We don’t need to be on our absolute uppers to get how awful it is for many at the moment, & it is going to get much harder very soon.

Maybe your friend would like to have someone like you as a relative who can step up to make a difference. It’s not the money, it’s not the kids, it’s having someone in her family who thinks of her & shows that they care. Maybe she is angry that you can think of others before you think of her?

That said, news headlines about 18% inflation by the New Year & possible interest rises to 7% are enough to jangle anyone’s nerves, even those who are makings ends meet at the moment. Maybe your friend is facing some major choices to make ends meet & her expectations or ‘happy ever after’ is being torn to shreds. No matters that onlookers may find that self-indulgent, it still hurts in the moment for that person as reality hits home.

YANBU to be miffed.

This all day long

yanbu. I'd be reassessing what I can get out of the friendship after this.

Your friend was very, very rude.
Wouldnt have liked to be a fly on her bedroom wall, her DH must have had something to say when they got home.
The comments about children were below the belt. Unforgivable in my eyes. I wouldn't contact her. Wait to see if she apologises, but personally I wouldn't accept it.

I think it's unfair to assume that just because op gives to charity and pays someone else's nursery fees she couldn't possibly feel the pinch. Not everyone who gives to charity or tries to help out family does so because they have too much money. Maybe op chooses to help even though it does make a considerable dent in her finances.

No, but she was an NQT the first time it came up though (she qualified when I was about 13), and then for the next couple of years after that she was in the lowest pay band but people still assumed she was some sort of millionaire (and sometimes got quite arsey about it too)