To want to stay home with our daughter

[Autumnmoons]

My husband has landed a new job whilst I am on maternity leave (I am due to return to work in March 2023) and it has more than doubled his income (which was more than my full time wage) - is it unreasonable not return to work? We have survived off statutory mat pay so far and I think it’s manageable financially. My mother and father in law would be our childcare so no additional costs there. My husband is concerned with the cost of living crisis and bills and energy bills rising that it makes more sense for me to return to work so we can be more financially secure. I think we will be fine and I could simply get a new job if not. AIBU?

I would go back to work. For the longer term career and pension benefits.

You never know what might happen and it's sensible to have an income.

I wouldn't make yourself completely dependent on a man, no. It's wiser to have some finances of your own as well as keeping your career going.

Is there any rule about returning to work having received maternity pay?

Don’t companies sometimes make you pay some of it back if you don’t return to work?

I’ve just done what you’re suggesting and loving it. I’d taken a sabbatical but DH got a new job and now earns more than we both did combined and has over my salary left disposable each month so I decided to enjoy my baby the most I can and take the time off with him. There’s a lot of anti-SAHM on mumsnet but if I needed to get another job I feel I could do I’m not worried. We have no debt other than our mortgage, own our cars etc, both have savings. Good luck whatever you decide to do! Xx

You would be extremely unwise to make yourself financially dependent on your husband. It’s like playing Russian Roulette in the best of circumstances.

But in this case:

a. Your husband is clearly uncomfortable with it and would become resentful very quickly if you weren’t pulling your weight
b. We are on the brink of a potentially severe economic situation.

You are asking for trouble both financially and in your marriage. Don’t do it.

I agree that you shouldn’t be financially dependent upon a man.
Have your own wage going into your own bank account, and keep paying pension.

You might feel v differently about returning to work in another 7 months. As well as short term affordability, think about long term prospects, pension etc. Would pt be an option?

This. It is wise to have both adults contributing financially. Go part time if you are able to.

Also, you may change your mind - looking after a toddler every day is very different to looking after an infant!

It's really early days. Looking after a baby is very different to looking after a toddler. You may find that you don't even want to be a SAHM next year. I would agree to revisit the discussion in a few months when we will also know more about cost of living/energy bills too.

Could you compromise by working part-time?

Talking about ‘own wage’ into your own bank account I do think is important- can your DH cover your old wage? If yes he can pay that into your account and you can cover your pension contributions, savings and expenses from there. I think aswell it does depend on the nature of your previous job - could you go back to work in your field easily? Or would you be prepared to do something else? X

It depends. If your dh's income has doubled from 15k to 30k, then you still need an income, you don't have sufficient to cover all your costs for three people in the current climate.

If he's moving up from 60k to 120k, then it's more doable.

How does your husband feel about shouldering the entire financial burden? Doesn't he want to spend any time with his child? It doesn't sound fair unless he genuinely doesn't mind?

Also a career break will hit your future earnings potential and your pension. Will you DH earn enough to contribute to your pension?

100% go part time if you can, its the best of both worlds.

In your position I'd look to go back part-time if possible.
Your husband isn't happy being the some breadwinner (I wouldn't be either) so it'll likely breed resentment in your marriage if you unilaterally decide to stay home.

I wouldn't want to be financially dependent on someone else.
Go back part time or find another role that's part time, that's what I did. Keep your hat in the ring, keep your career going and you get to be you- not just mummy

Thank you, I just can’t imagine wanting to leave DD with anyone for extending periods of time. I get upset just at the thought. I like working and earning my own wage so it’s a hard decision

Could you go part-time?

I would not give up my job to be a sahm mum but I would go PT so I have the option to increase hours if needed and keep my pension going etc

This is a big concern, the resentment. I have always had my own income and never relied on anyone for money so this would be a huge deal for me too. I am not thrilled at the idea of it whatsoever but the thought of leaving my baby feels me with anxious dread so I’m looking in to all options. He’s not an unkind man and I appreciate the burden being the sole earner would have too

It's a new job for your DH and while he is in the first 2 years he will not be eligible for redundancy and will be easy to get rid of if the company needs to downsize. There's also no guarantee that he will like the job.

I think it would be best to keep your job as a safety net.

It's perfectly viable option to want to spend a few years at home with your child, providing both you and your DH are both happy with thud and you are aware of the risks.( paying into your own pension if possible, potentially struggle to get back where you were in your career) most SAHM know all the risks and choose to be a SAHM despite that, but their DH are on board with it.

It doesn't sound like your DH wants to have the sole responsibility of being the provider, especially with difficult times coming up, which is perfectly understandable.
You can't force this responsibility on someone if they don't want it and it doesn't sound like you have had the discussion before hand.

I do understand wanting to be at home as before I even knew I wanted kids, I knew if I did have them, I would want to be at home with them until they started school, so we had the conversation early on and I married someone who was on board with that and I made sure I had my own savings to help get me through this period, so I understand this will be hard if you want to stay at home.

Sadly for you, I think you need to plan to go back to work.

Ask work if PT is an option that might be the perfect compromise

Probably but would likely mean a step down in responsibility and therefore, financially too. There are no working parents on my team so it’s unlikely to be received well

I was a SAHM. Believe me, it gets very boring and you will be desperate for some adult company.
Going PT is a compromise, and I think nursery would be best as they won’t let you down like relatives do if they are sick/on holiday.

Regardless of whether or not it’s doable, is it fair?