To want to stay home with our daughter

[Autumnmoons]

My husband has landed a new job whilst I am on maternity leave (I am due to return to work in March 2023) and it has more than doubled his income (which was more than my full time wage) - is it unreasonable not return to work? We have survived off statutory mat pay so far and I think it’s manageable financially. My mother and father in law would be our childcare so no additional costs there. My husband is concerned with the cost of living crisis and bills and energy bills rising that it makes more sense for me to return to work so we can be more financially secure. I think we will be fine and I could simply get a new job if not. AIBU?

I don't think it's boring, providing you are financially able to be out of the house quite a lot.

If you did this and your husband wasn't 100% on board, would be be stingey with money? That would be my concern.

The last thing you want is being at home all the time feeling like you have no money yourself to take her anywhere or to buy yourself anything.

I think it also depends in your job- it might be much harder to break back into a "professional" type of job after an extended period of not working than, for example, working in a supermarket in a role which doesn't need as much education and regular CPD etc to be able to stay afloat. And the former is also more likely to cover childcare costs with something left over.

And as others have said, if your DH isn't fully bought in then it's unlikely to work relationship-wise in the long run.

You might also find in the long run that it's nice to have a few days a week where you can feel more like your old self again- if your mat leav will run until March 2023 you've got a lot longer to go of being off, and your baby will grow and change and be much more independent by the time you need to think about leaving her.

Go back part time, I did 3 days a week whilst my dc were primary age, and back up to full time when they went to secondary school. For me it was the best if both worlds, I kept my financial stability but was around for my dc more, it didn't seem to impact my career either

I had 3 years off when I had my first 2.
The pressure my husband felt as sole breadwinner was immense. He never said it at the time, he was always "do whatever you want". But it was night and day for him when I went back to work. Just knowing there was something coming in if the worst happened with his job.
It sounds like a big step up workwise for your DH so planning like it's a forever salary might be a step too far for dh at the moment.
I think plan to go part time, look for something else etc but defo go back to some sort of work.

Is it an option to go back on reduced hours?

How long would he be the sole earner for?

Million's manage it whilst one parent look's after the children?

It always astonishes me when people talk about taking proper time out to raise their own children as a long term death knell for someone career?

In a career spanning 40 + year's...what's a couple of year's to give your child some quality care? If you want too?

Children grow up very fast and are gone in the blink of an eye.
I would make the most of it now.
I don't agree that extending mat leave or staying out will damage your prospects to a large degree.

It's different for women who have never worked in a marriage and leave all their financial decisions to their husband and have nothing in a pension or on a CV. The house isn't in their name...that's vulnerability.
Not op!!

And what the child might want always never seems to be considered?.

It has to be something you both agree to really. It's not fair to suddenly expect one person to be financially responsible for the whole family.

You also need to consider your own financial future and how easy it would be to return to work.

One thing to bear in mind, primary school is when you need the most flexibility. Working while kids are in nursery is pretty easy as they're open longer hours and during the holidays. Once they start school you have to factor in holidays and wrap around care which often doesn't offer the hours nursery does.
That might impact you returning to work.

If you are financially secure as a couple, I think you should do what you want. But coming from someone who's been a SAHM for nearly 3 years, it gets boring fast and I wish I had returned to work sooner. It's harder getting back into work after time away as well. I think working part-time is a good balance tbh.

I was a sahm until my youngest was 3 and got free nursery places. Eldest was 1 when youngest was born and it was the best option for us at the time.

There were times I regretted leaving myself financially dependent but tbh ultimately it worked well for us. I couldn't imagine leaving my first to go back to work but as I was in between a career shift when I became pregnant it didn't make financial sense for us. My partner and I are also neuro divergent and tbh having one person mainly managing the house/ child stuff made a big difference to how we coped day to day.

It's early days yet so give it some time. I was itching to get out and do something for me after the first couple of years but still had to wait a couple more for a free nursery place.

If your partner is dead against it though I'd tread carefully. People behave like being a SAHM is a holiday but (and tbh with one easy child who was to young for clubs and school admin it was for me.) It's easy for resentment to build on both sides so if you're not both up for it and aware how important both contributions are it can cause problems. Look at the costs of sending them to nursery vs your wage, but remember to include any drop in earning potential from a gap in discussions.

China's property market is collapsing, inflation is soaring as are utilities, energy companies are struggling to stay afloat. I can't blame your husband for being concern right now tbh.

Why would you need your mum and fil for childcare if you're not working?

Please consider the longer term implications to your career and pension.

It always astonishes me when people talk about taking proper time out to raise their own children as a long term death knell for someone career?

In a career spanning 40 + year's...what's a couple of year's to give your child some quality care? If you want too?

In some sectors it is a challenge to return after an extended time out. I wouldn't be able to return to my job if I took years out to do something else.
It depends on the sector and the job.

Why does his resentment trump ops?

Money comes and goes, but what about ops resentment if she goes back and deeply resents her husband?
You literally cannot buy back these younger years?
What value can you place on that?

Ops husband could be pacified as money starts to roll in again from op but op might never get over loosing that time?

There’s absolutely nothing wrong with staying at home to look after your own child.
That’s what I did. Me and dh are a partnership and all money goes into one pot for our family.

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with being a SAHP for a few years. But it has to be a joint agreement or it builds all sorts of resentment that can do for your marriage. Also he does have a point re recession. What if he lost his job?

Could you discuss a compromise and go PT, that’s probably better overall as you won’t loose earning power.

I don't think anyone is saying it's wrong. Just that it's not going to work if the working partner isn't on board with the idea surely?

It will do you and your baby the world of good to be away from each other now and again. Not wanting to leave her may cause issues later down the line!

I would never advise anyone to give up their job.

My DH had a good job in the NHS (no risk of redundancy!) but then developed severe anxiety & depression. He ended up resigning and was out of work for 4 years.

Thankfully I was still working so I was able to provide for all of us. He’s now back at work on a lower grade and doing well. I dread to think what would have happened if I didn’t have my job. Because I was established there I was also able to work flexibly during my DH’s illness. Do you know how hard it is to find a job nowadays? The application and interview process is ridiculous and time consuming. It would be terribly stressful to have to find a job quickly and I doubt I would have been able to ask for flexibility in a new job.

You have no idea what life might throw at you - redundancy, illness, death.

Also if your DH is a high earner he will be attractive to other women. You might think your DH would never do that but everyone thinks that! I’ve seen it happen to lots of my friends/colleagues.

Please talk to your work about PT hours but don’t give up completely.

Stay at home! Women are told that working is more important than looking after their family, it's a lie.

Also if he wants you to go back to work then is he prepared to share time off for when your child is sick?
Will he be sharing childcare on school holidays?
Will be doing equal childcare at weekends/evenings/nights?
Will he be doing his equal share of house work?

It doesn’t, it’s just that financial arrangements have to be a joint decision, so they need to discuss it, not play top trumps. Saying money comes and goes is a wee bit naive at the start of a recession.

They need to talk it through and maybe PT is the compromise.

Either parent staying at home should only happen by agreement.
You can't just say to your partner ok, I won't be working any more. I'll stay at home, you bring in the money.

Don't make any decisions now. You're daughter will be 6 months older when you are due back at work. That's a huge timeframe for a baby. You might feel completely different about her going to nursery then.

Mine went at 10 moths and it was a bit of a wrench but also a bit of a relief. Now he happily says bye bye to me when Daddy takes him to drop him off and yesterday he didn't want to come home with me, he's 20 months. I work part time which is the best of both worlds. I also love that he can do all the messy stuff at nursery and we don't have to clear it up!

I think if I was staying home with him full time I would need to have some sort of formal activity planned for every day, toddler group, swimming, meeting up with other children etc... In my experience toddlers need structure and plenty to engage their busy brains. It would be quite full on looking after him full time.

Brookstar if a career is that inflexible that someone could not take out one /two/three years to raise your own child to a verbal level where they can tell you about their day then it's not a career I would choose or choose not to have children

I'd be interested to know what it is because I'd like to alert my girls to never go into it because there is zero flexibility and it will be a prison sentence.

Sometimes people need time out for all sorts of reasons not just children. Seriously ill partners,burn out, mental health.

Does your work place allow you to take unpaid leave….I can’t think of the correct term but somewhere I used to work I knew someone who took 5 years off after her kids then returned once they were at school. She wasn’t paid but her job was kept open for her to come back to. I guess sort of like a sabbatical?

Don’t do anything you will regret when your child is at school.

DD’s friend’s mums who rattled out the “can’t bear to be away from/put my child in childcare” now rattling out complaints about “low salary/husband earns more/can’t find a job“. Some are trapped in unhappy marriages and can’t leave. You have to look at it from your future self perspective objectively (the same women said at the time “I know how I’ll look back on it and it’ll always feel worth it”. That sentiment has gone).

Money is freedom. My sister passed away last week (unhappy and complicated background) and her daughters needing support for funeral costs. I had the financial freedom to support. Hubby didn’t want to contribute (it’s really complicated) but it’s my money and my decision, I don’t need to run it past him. I’ve worked hard for that tiny cushion of security and freedom. I like getting nails done etc and eyebrows waxed. I wouldn’t do that with anyone’s money but my own. I don’t WANT to. No permission required. Why would I give that up for children? Men don’t.