To want to stay home with our daughter

[Autumnmoons]

My husband has landed a new job whilst I am on maternity leave (I am due to return to work in March 2023) and it has more than doubled his income (which was more than my full time wage) - is it unreasonable not return to work? We have survived off statutory mat pay so far and I think it’s manageable financially. My mother and father in law would be our childcare so no additional costs there. My husband is concerned with the cost of living crisis and bills and energy bills rising that it makes more sense for me to return to work so we can be more financially secure. I think we will be fine and I could simply get a new job if not. AIBU?

I always see on these threads “don’t be financially dependent on a man” would it make a difference for a lesbian couple? Is it ok to be financially dependent on a woman?

Do you need to decide now? I’m on mat leave with DC3 from quite a stressful job and was desperate to quit for a change of pace, spend more time with the kids etc etc but I would have to pay to not return! Actually now the baby is 11 months old, the prospect of putting her in childcare doesn’t feel so bad, and I’m starting to get brain rot and looking forward to going back to work.

It’s a moot point but we can just about afford for one of us not to work. However, with the economy as it is right now, we want that safety net of 2 incomes. Plus I’m mindful of my pension - although if you’re only planning to take a couple of years out it’s probably neither here nor there.

Previously I was the sole breadwinner for 18 months. I didn’t mind at all and didn’t really feel pressure. Until I got made redundant. Then I got another job and was really sick with Long Covid. That was extra scary and I definitely went back too soon because I was worried about our finances. So I can see where your DP is coming from too.

I can honestly say, if my 120k earner husband leaves me for another women, I can’t take that on 🤷‍♀️

he’s a an adult man who makes choices, nothing I say or do impacts that (working or not) but I actually see this comment coming from a place of kindness. It does happen and can leave some people in terrible position. I don’t fear this from a financial sense at all

I don't think you can do this without your husband being 100% in favour, and he's not. I wouldn't be happy if my DP unilaterally decided he was stopping work to stay home with our child and I'd be financially supporting all of us from now on.

Have another chat with him and go through his reservations, you should get a feel for what he truly thinks.

His resentment ultimately trumps OPs because you can't make someone fully financially support you if they don't want to. Which means if it comes down to it, the person not wanting the SAHP wins. Obviously it would be better all round if that weren't the premise for the decision to be made, but if it is then it's quite clear who has top trumps here.

But I agree with a lot of PPs, the obvious compromise to look at here is part time work.

So if you're confident that he will be on board, OP, what exactly are you looking for from this thread?

Of course it wouldn't

People shouldn't be financially dependent on anyone, posters add the man because the OP has made it clear she is in a relationship with a man

It's the issue of falling behind on current practice, and would probably apply to a lot of careers which require high levels of education and training.

For me, if I took 6 years out to get 2 children from birth to school, I'd be coming back into a work environment where standards and legislation had moved on, research would mean that what I thought was best practice is now outdated, and software would have developed to the extent that I'd need to relearn everything.

I might have left the industry at a point where I could supervise others and support their development, but would be going back so out of date that I couldn't answer the questions of more junior staff and would need a high amount of training.

If I were an employer, taking on a new graduate who is up to date would be a better and a cheaper bet than me.

It would be dependent on the profession, but a lot of high earning professional jobs may well be similar, particularly anything with links into using standards, legislation and technology.

The flip side is they will also be professions with good career prospects and salaries- I certainly wouldn't be putting my kids off them!!

Go back part time. You and your DH will benefit from two incomes.
Bur make sure he knows he will have to take some days off to cover illness too.

I haven’t remotely said he’s on board?

I’m referencing that currently, it works for us whilst I am on mat leave to be the main carer and it not being DH on long term pat leave. Two different subjects being discussed, the poster suggested I wouldn’t be happy if he were the main carer and I the BW. I disagree with that

I've seen a comment about not pulling your weight. Don't buy into this. What could be 'pulling your weight' more than raising your own child? Children grow quickly and the time can never come back. If you have a secure relationship with your husband, there should be no worries. He might just be anxious but should him how it could be affordable. Or could you go part time? That's what I've done and it's great.

Ok, sorry, I am confused then. I was referring to your post at 9.14am which seemed to be expressing confidence that your DH would get on board with the idea. Apologies if I misunderstood.

Anyway, if he isn't on board, then SAH clearly isn't an option for you, so I guess you'll need to think about Plan B.

I did this jump recently. There's a lot of tax between 100 and 120, as you also have to return your personal allowance. So good take home salary does not double at all.

On the first 60, you pay around 25% in tax and on the second 60 you pay around 50% tax. Which is an extra £15k on tax, which means it feels like earning £105k which is good but worth considering post tax affordability with prices rising.

Your husband might have imagined his hard work would translate to some nice perks

I stayed home after my eldest was born. Once I looked carefully at what would involved in going back - how much time we would actually spend with her, it was not a difficult decision. When she was a little older I did some part time and later FT childcare.

I never considered that somehow this meant that I was "living off someone elses work", since I was doing work that was necessary for the family and which made our QOL much better.

I'd keep the option of going back, in a different position or even sector, in mind, given the financial uncertainty of the moment.

Mat leave is totally different though. Taking a short time out of the workplace and then going back is not the same as opting out of the workforce for a much longer period and expecting someone else to take on the financial responsibility.

It was me that said you might not be happy being the main breadwinner if that was your actual reality and I stand by that. It's a massive responsibility to carry alone, and many people would find that very stressful. If it isn't a realistic prospect for you to have to take that on, it's pretty easy to say that you wouldn't mind, but you might well feel differently if you actually had to do it. I guess we'll never know.

I never planned to be a stay at home parent but life happened and it ended up being my only option for a few years. Parts I really enjoyed and others were so difficult. Once baby starts moving it's a whole new game. My son was crawling from seven months and walking by 10 months and stopped napping at 15 months so it was a very busy house! I'm now back working part time and prefer it overall just feels more balanced to me I have some independence, adult conversation and an identity outside of being a mum. Best of luck whatever you decide x

I would’ve loved to have gone back to work after having dds. We moved to Oz for a few years with dhs job, so had to give up my job. My confidence was very low and I found it hard to go back to working when we came back to the Uk. I found it very difficult and by that point my earning power dropped. I’m still not earning as much pre dc.

Can you not go pt for a bit?

Go back to work.

What if he lost his job? Your family would be in trouble.

Where would you be without adult interaction? It is good for you.

What about your pension etc?

With higher earning husbands that doesn’t have to be the case though.

One of the agreements with us was that we could afford to keep paying into my pension when I went part time, then eventually SAH.

that should be one of the costs taken into account when making the decisions.

Thank you for all the well wishes, I really appreciate it.

I can see it from both sides, being a SAHP and a breadwinner both have their burdens and heavy weights. Neither is easy. One does come with lunch breaks and solo trips to the toilet and a start and finish time however… but I digress.

I am not thrilled by the idea of not having access to my own money / career so it’s not a case of not wanting to work (I have since I was a kid) but solely about craving my time with my daughter. I don’t subscribe to the ‘they need time away from you’ theory for infants and small children. I know she will be in safe hands with her beloved grandparents but I resent having to go back to work. There may be a thousand reasons my DH might feel the same about me needing to return to work, both feelings can be valid.

if I return to work then he will need to step up in other ways too, I don’t think this is unreasonable even on PT hours.

my job is fast paced and stressful, I’m not sure how feasible PT but I know they are keen for me to return (I manage a team who are a brilliant bunch but it’s a very male dominated industry and let’s just say… I’m the peace maker?) but on a FT basis ideally. Perhaps I look for lower paid work PT but I’d resent working for less money and being away from my baby for essentially pocket change.

Still get used to MN so sorry for not replying and tagging peoples names!

I think part time is a good compromise.

DH is totally fine with PT, perhaps I trial this. It would likely mean stepping down at work (if they have the PT work to offer!)