To want to stay home with our daughter

[Autumnmoons]

My husband has landed a new job whilst I am on maternity leave (I am due to return to work in March 2023) and it has more than doubled his income (which was more than my full time wage) - is it unreasonable not return to work? We have survived off statutory mat pay so far and I think it’s manageable financially. My mother and father in law would be our childcare so no additional costs there. My husband is concerned with the cost of living crisis and bills and energy bills rising that it makes more sense for me to return to work so we can be more financially secure. I think we will be fine and I could simply get a new job if not. AIBU?

@Autumndays123 that isn’t what I said… also my DH works a ‘highly stressful, senior, well paid etc etc’ job and prefers me looking after our children than someone at a nursery or a nanny from an agency…funny that! Depends what you want doesn’t it

Depends on the type of person you are . Some people actually like to work it’s stressful juggling a baby and work . I think if you can afford it stay at home you will never get this time back .

Yes, I appreciate children may need looking after until aged 3 or 4, but after that? I think there are very very few people who truly don't mind working themselves to the bone whilst their OH engages in their hobbies most of the day whilst the children are in school and most of the evening too if they are teenagers. Those who actually don't mind their OHs living a life of luxury whilst they work as hard as possible probably have quite an old fashioned and probably slightly power hungry/controlling way of thinking. Preferring the situation of having a subordinate wife. I suppose working isn't for everyone though. They idea of being 'looked after' by my husband like a small child makes my skin crawl.

And yet some women disagree- how odd that your view is not shared by everybody. There is no shame in staying at home as a mother. It doesn't necessarily follow that it's controlling or exploitative.

Will you continue to be a SAHM once your kids leave home? What title will you give yourself then?

Stay at home wife I suppose

@Foxglovers

yep spending all day every day with my kids would bore me

i don’t just want to be ‘mum’

plus I don’t want to give up the security of earning my own money independently of my husband

Autumndays123 - it's nothing to do with anyone being subordinate. It's just personalities really. My husband is the way he is. He's an entrepreneur and he lives and breathes it. He needs that type of "buzz" - it's always the next thing. He's extremely driven in that way. Some people are. I think I'm someone who lives in the moment more and I get my motivation in a different way. Couples often balance each other out and maybe that's why we gravitated together. It's hard to say. But when it works, it works. It's absolutely fine.,

Of course he doesn't think he's "bankrolling me." What an odd thing to say. He is a father to four children. Of course he would want their mum to be around for them. He's very grateful for all I've done with the kids over his years. He wanted his kids to have the best schools and I helped them get into those schools and steered them through, day to day. Not to mention all the ferrying and support I've given to all their other hobbies and interests and the emotional support over the years. Not to say he hasn't been involved. (he has), but I've been the mainstay. Honestly, I could not have paid a nanny enough to do even half of what I've done. He knows this full well. We organised ourselves like this because it was best for our kids (in our case). He doesn't need money from me. He literally doesn't care about that. He sees other inputs as more valuable.

I’ve just had the same situation as my job wouldn’t allow me back part time and on certain hours due to child care they wanted me back every weekend and long days too plus days in the week. I wasn’t happy to return full time and be away from my daughter that long so I’ve got a part time evening job in a little pub and that more than suffices with my partners income too!! Look at other job alternatives just to have some sort of additional cash income

So dramatic. I work full time, my first born went to a childminder from 10 months. It didn't kill me or my child. Both thrived from having more people and variety to our days.

OP whatever you decide to do good luck, I needed to get back to work as the higher wage earner but by 10 months I was also ready to.

@Rubyupbeat

you world have survived im sure

OP, I encourage you to go for it. Your DC are only little once. They will love it, you will love it. Sounds like you can well afford it, so no concerns there. You have the rest of your life to work. Growing and teaching little minds is a beautiful and important occupation. Who better to do it than a parent?

@LuckySantangelo35
and that’s totally fair enough enough - we all enjoy different things. Although suggesting someone must be not stimulating their mind because they are a SAHM parent is slightly unfair. Becoming a SAHM doesn’t mean you suddenly don’t do anything but change nappies and stack bricks on the floor. Also plenty of jobs aren’t intellectually stimulating either and probably very few are all the time.

Exactly this. Describing someone as being bankrolled is so strange. No one in our family considers themselves bankrolling anyone or being bankrolled by anyone else.

I also think a common mumsnet assumption to jump to is - oh you’re just not working any more as you have decided that your husband can provide for you, you think your relationship will never struggle and you want to kick back and spend the money. When actually plenty of people who are single parents also give up working to be a SAHP. I get why someone might not want to, until I had my own children I used to think it was strange and somehow “relying on someone financially” but now I don’t really see that. If my crystal ball told me my husband was going to have an affair at work and leave me in 5 years time - I still wouldn’t be going back to work yet as I’m enjoying being a full time mum and I don’t actually find it boring. I have varied hobbies and interests I indulge at evenings and weekends, in exactly the same way as I did in ny old career.

Not read the full thread but my husband who earns triple my wage only brings home just over double the take home due to tax. I'm sure you've done the maths but perhaps with cost of living increases and a little one who may one day want to go to university it might be best to stick it out or find something PT?

At least return PT….Multiple reasons:

*keep your career
*grow your pension (women have a gender gap of 40% on average)
*You have family for childcare - most of us don’t!
*childcare settings are great too for childrens development - mine learns far more than I can teach him and has great social skills. they also install good routines like napping that when a child is alone with no one to copy is not as good at.
*double the gross income is not the same as take home pay - tax!
*your husband could put more into a pension for both your futures if you earn at basic tax rate - all of his assuming at 40% is wasted if taxed that much, plus you will lose child benefit!!!!! Get him to put enough pension in to be 50k taxable pay
*have a life away from your child your sanity will thank you!
*toddlers are hard, particularly 2yo’s! They test your patience all day.
*be eligible for maternity pay again if you have another child

You're on mumsnet so know you should already be preparing for your divorce.

However if you both are happy for you to be a sahm then why not. My mum was a sahm and it was fairly normal then.

You won't have childcare costs and will be able to spend more time with your child/children. You can go back to work when you're ready.

Dies really need you both to be on board with it.

Stay on in work even PT. It will be a nightmare going back if you do not.
You should not put all your eggs in one basket.